Parents and Sibling have strong BPD Traits...

[Jose2120]

I have always been the calm one in a family of tumultous relationships. I have felt like an outsider all my life. I have made it my life's work to figure out why I have felt broken in my youth and to heal from it. Now I help others do the same.

This is my first post.  I came across this site because of continued difficulty with my parent and sibling. Continued invalidation, subversive + aversive condescending language, outright attacks to my character when their insecurities are triggered, almost complete absence of any positive language towards me throughout my life and on and on…

I am here searching because I am continued to be emotionally triggered. I am somewhat estranged from my sibling because she has repeatedly avoided having a healthy, restorative conversation after she grossly attacked by character. I am present for my parent, but it is incredibly difficult because she repeatedly criticizes almost everyone around her and says almost nothing positive about others, including myself who is always there to help her. She expects me to always be there to help her, but then criticizes my help, and then only says thank you after I have guilted her for treating me poorly.

I have done a lot of work on myself and continue to do it. I wish I could have a healthy relationship with my family, but it is minimally possible.

[So Stressed]

I have always been the calm one in a family of tumultous relationships. I have felt like an outsider all my life. I have made it my life's work to figure out why I have felt broken in my youth and to heal from it. 

I could have written this to describe myself.  I have always said that I was the only one in our family who wanted to acknowledge the elephant in the room.  Everyone else was good with just ignoring the dysfunction...or, maybe they couldn't see it.

I am somewhat estranged from my sibling because she has repeatedly avoided having a healthy, restorative conversation after she grossly attacked by character. I am present for my parent, but it is incredibly difficult because she repeatedly criticizes almost everyone around her and says almost nothing positive about others, including myself who is always there to help her. She expects me to always be there to help her, but then criticizes my help, and then only says thank you after I have guilted her for treating me poorly.

I have done a lot of work on myself and continue to do it. I wish I could have a healthy relationship with my family, but it is minimally possible.

Sadly, my sibling attacked my character in two angry rages spaced about a year apart.  I was scared of the anger and I don't know what happened to said sibling, who didn't used to be so violent.  I don't see how this relationship can ever be repaired.  I pray for a miracle of God because I think that's about the only thing that might repair it.

Your description of your parent's ungrateful and critical behavior toward you is like my relationship with my mother.  I valued my family, but it is in such disrepair now. It is very sad. My mother also disparages just about everyone she knows.

I am relatively new to this site also. I didn't really know what was wrong with my family dynamic. Didn't know about BPD and somehow, I stumbled on a book about Mothers with BPD, and I am pretty overwhelmed with all that I now am learning.

And, it seems like things are getting worse.  I am so exhausted and stressed and traumatized.

[PinkPanther]

I could have written this to describe myself.  I have always said that I was the only one in our family who wanted to acknowledge the elephant in the room.  Everyone else was good with just ignoring the dysfunction...or, maybe they couldn't see it.

Sadly, my sibling attacked my character in two angry rages spaced about a year apart.  I was scared of the anger and I don't know what happened to said sibling, who didn't used to be so violent.  I don't see how this relationship can ever be repaired.  I pray for a miracle of God because I think that's about the only thing that might repair it.

Your description of your parent's ungrateful and critical behavior toward you is like my relationship with my mother.  I valued my family, but it is in such disrepair now. It is very sad. My mother also disparages just about everyone she knows.

I am relatively new to this site also. I didn't really know what was wrong with my family dynamic. Didn't know about BPD and somehow, I stumbled on a book about Mothers with BPD, and I am pretty overwhelmed with all that I now am learning.

And, it seems like things are getting worse.  I am so exhausted and stressed and traumatized.

I think people see dysfunction. I know I always did even as a child. But, everyone enters survival mode as a way of surviving the disordered person. Someone on here said that dysfunctional families are so to keep secrets...and that resonated so deeply with me.

My parent has done such a good job at triangulating me and my siblings against one another that we don't even talk to one another anymore. When I was enmeshed with BPDmom, I raged once at my sister because my mom had been complaining about her not calling her. I couldn't see at the time that what was really going on was my sister was likely protecting herself from mom. Even though I highly suspect same sister to be cluster B herself. Part of my anger with my sister was really an accumulation of frustration built up from navigating our mom's craziness alone and the triangulation my mom enforced between us. We all know my mom is off but I am the only one that has to this point addressed mom's diagnoses and I don't even know if my mom has told my siblings what she has.

Before the diagnoses I was the only one to call mom's behavior out to her. Everyone else would ride my coattail but would never address her directly. Mom is just that scary and vindictive. But now that I see the light and have detached, my brother who still lives with BPDmom is on her side and speaks for her in the few conversations I have with him and the only time I hear from sister is holidays and that's usually a text.

It's all a mess and yes it is definitely frustrating. Family dysfunction is hard to bring to a head because peoples vulnerabilities come to surface and they have to make a choice. Protect the secrets or bring them to the surface to be worked on.

To this point I am the only one to do the dirty work. My siblings both continue to placate and enable BPD parent and make themselves feel better for whatever childhood issues they feel we had against one another.

It's a very, very troubled and sick situation to navigate. I can see why many people stick to NC.

[Riv3rW0lf]

My parent has done such a good job at triangulating me and my siblings against one another that we don't even talk to one another anymore. When I was enmeshed with BPDmom, I raged once at my sister because my mom had been complaining about her not calling her. I couldn't see at the time that what was really going on was my sister was likely protecting herself from mom. Even though I highly suspect same sister to be cluster B herself. Part of my anger with my sister was really an accumulation of frustration built up from navigating our mom's craziness alone and the triangulation my mom enforced between us. We all know my mom is off but I am the only one that has to this point addressed mom's diagnoses and I don't even know if my mom has told my siblings what she has.

My brother just cut me off because of this. I've been no contact with my mother for a year now, and he kept saying he understood, because he also had been no contact with her for two years when he was younger and to take the time I needed, but kept calling me to ask why I hadn't called her yet, or he would text me to say things like : I was thinking of you, we are on our way to my wife's mother one year funeral anniversary.

His texts and pressure kept increasing and increasing, and I held my ground. Until he asked for a picture of my children. I said no, but come have diner with us. And he exploded and cut me off. The pictures were for my mother. I told him to make peace about the fact I'd never get back into her life. And so he cut me off... I don't blame him, he has to protect himself from her, but it really put to light what a hypocrite he is (he is a life coach and keeps talking about "my scar", acting like he has none, coaching people to go back to their abuser, exploiting empathy, shame and guilt like our mother..).

We don't have the same father, him and I, yet he called my father to talk about it (!) I finally saw all his dysfunctions and crazyness. He was painting himself as the hero and reasonable one to my father... whom had seen his texts and heard his recorded voice messages, which were constituted of gaslighting and emotional manipulations, accusing me of being aggressive and putting oil on the fire, telling me I would rot inside because of this and urging me to pacify my relationship with my BPD mother. I shared everything with my father and his wife, wanted some form of support. Showed my own responses. There was no attacks on my end. Father told him nothing other that he wouldn't discuss me with him, then called me to let me know... Crazy situation.

Anyway...

Jose2120,

I guess I am sharing this to let you know you are not alone with a shattered family. My brothers (I have two) haven't been talking to each other for many years. One of them plays hero, the other ended up so traumatized he developed a bipolar disorder and severe drug addictions. He is functional-ish, but very reactive. We seldom talk anymore since I went no contact. He still texts me on Hollidays... And I'm fine with it. It was only drama, our mother's drama, using us as pawns against one another to get the role of being the best and closest to all of us... Ressources guarding against her own children. God forbids her children love each other, that would be less love for her, you see...

To be honest, I made peace with the fact I don't really have a family. This whole thing i.e., finally seeing my mother or who she is, made me realize just how lonely I've been all my life with them. No contact is the safest I've been in a very long time. And it's like it doesn't change anything, because none of them actually know me, and I'm not sure I truly know them either.

There was never any secure emotional attachment with any of them. Ever. And if this bond couldn't be built when we were young children hardwired for it, then it won't be built now.

I think it is possible to stay in contact and manage those kind of relationships, but it does take a lot of energy to not engage in the drama. Have you read on the Karpman Triangle yet? This truly described ALL my interactions with my family when I was still in contact. I know some people on here were able to step out of the triangle without cutting contact, and it was a lot of help for them. For me, I just never got to the point of working on it... I ended up severing the link to protect my children from the crazyness and from my own stress. Life is complicated enough as is without a mother stirring drama and pain in it constantly.

[PinkPanther]

I think it is possible to stay in contact and manage those kind of relationships, but it does take a lot of energy to not engage in the drama. Have you read on the Karpman Triangle yet? This truly described ALL my interactions with my family when I was still in contact. I know some people on here were able to step out of the triangle without cutting contact, and it was a lot of help for them. For me, I just never got to the point of working on it... I ended up severing the link to protect my children from the crazyness and from my own stress. Life is complicated enough as is without a mother stirring drama and pain in it constantly.

It is a lot of work to navigate the relationship. I enjoyed NC immensely and now that I am VLC I really feel like it's not worth it.

My mom is diagnosed and in therapy. I guess there are things she has improved on but that benefits her not me.

There is no resolve with them, it's really just a matter of what you are willing to deal with in terms of dealing with parents and siblings, OP. People who are able to navigate this stuff with their siblings in a united front are so fortunate.

[So Stressed]

My parent has done such a good job at triangulating me and my siblings against one another that we don't even talk to one another anymore. When I was enmeshed with BPDmom, I raged once at my sister because my mom had been complaining about her not calling her. I couldn't see at the time that what was really going on was my sister was likely protecting herself from mom. Even though I highly suspect same sister to be cluster B herself. Part of my anger with my sister was really an accumulation of frustration built up from navigating our mom's craziness alone and the triangulation my mom enforced between us. We all know my mom is off but I am the only one that has to this point addressed mom's diagnoses and I don't even know if my mom has told my siblings what she has.

Yes, ,my mother has traingulated and split my sibling and me, so that my sibling raged at me and now is not talking to me, and I am struggling with whether I ever want to talk to my sibling again because of the violent anger and rage and awful things that were said and can never be unheard. I tried to lean on my sibling for support by phone and I think that maybe I should not have done that as sibling was not able to deal with that and was also getting phone calls from mom, and I am sure that our family dysfunction pattern dictated that he believe her and be on her side.

Before the diagnoses I was the only one to call mom's behavior out to her. Everyone else would ride my coattail but would never address her directly. Mom is just that scary and vindictive. But now that I see the light and have detached, my brother who still lives with BPDmom is on her side and speaks for her in the few conversations I have with him and the only time I hear from sister is holidays and that's usually a text. 

It's all a mess and yes it is definitely frustrating. Family dysfunction is hard to bring to a head because peoples vulnerabilities come to surface and they have to make a choice. Protect the secrets or bring them to the surface to be worked on.

To this point I am the only one to do the dirty work. My siblings both continue to placate and enable BPD parent and make themselves feel better for whatever childhood issues they feel we had against one another.

It's a very, very troubled and sick situation to navigate. I can see why many people stick to NC.

Yes, sick and heartbreaking, for sure.  My mother is not diagnosed but I have done enough reading and sought therapy for myself to cope with the situation, and I know that it is BPD and maybe some other stuff, like dementia on top of it. Other family members have wondered about what mental health issue Mom has and considered that she might be bipolar. But, no official diagnosis.  However, she has blown up at least 2 families and other relatives, as well. She is the common denominator in all situations.

Nonetheless, it is a very sad situation. I have been Mom's primary care giver and family member for the past 15+ years and it has engulfed me. I work as well, so I am very depleted and concerned about my own health.

Now, my sibling and Mom have decided that I don't do a good enough job, so my sibling is taking over.  I have done my very best and as Mom has aged and failed, have tried to get assistance from outside services, such as homecare, but that was not acceptable to either my Mom or sibling. Now, she needs more help and it is time for her to move, and so it will probably be good that someone else is in charge...because really, no one is in charge except the BPD person.  What is hurtful is that it is all being undertaken in a manner that the message is that I have not been a good enough daughter and they are mad at me for my inadequacies.

Interestingly, my friends hear me say that I am going to Mom's or taking her somewhere, or baking her something...whatever...over the years, and many have said that they hope that their children will be as good to them as I have been to my Mom. So, isn't it sad that my own family cannot recognize this?  And, it is not even that I want any special recognition...she's my Mom and I love her despite these challenges...but I don't want to be shunned by my family, which is very cruel.  I have already taken a lot of abuse from Mom and now in the last couple of years from my sibling, too.

[livednlearned]

I am present for my parent, but it is incredibly difficult because she repeatedly criticizes almost everyone around her and says almost nothing positive about others, including myself who is always there to help her.

It sounds like you see her often? That's tough, and can take a real toll.

Is she dependent on you for taking care of her?

Sometimes incremental changes can help, like setting small boundaries if you aren't ready for the big ones.

Have you tried things and found any success?