Anyone have any success stories of getting over the pain?

[SurvivalGuy]

Hi guys,

I know I’ve been spamming a lot of the last few days but I’m 9 weeks out of a 6 month BPD relationship. NC at all other than me sending a few emails with no response (as I expected). I’ve basically been dysfunctional as a human being. I’ve seen a psychologist about 9 times in this period and am 3 weeks into anti depressants (lexapro).

I wasn’t in a real good place before meeting my BPDex (drinking, unsatisfied with my career, isolation). Meeting such a person was the worst possible timing. It has absolutely ripped my life apart. I was going to check myself into a mental retreat in Queensland Australia at about the 4 week mark but I feel like I don’t need that anymore (maybe that’s some progress) but god damn

I would like some success stories of people feeling better after several months. Thanks all for your support so far.

[tina7868]

Hey SurvivalGuy  . My heart goes out to you. I’m sorry that you’re going through this.

I know I’ve been spamming a lot of the last few days but I’m 9 weeks out of a 6 month BPD relationship.

No need to explain yourself, that’s what this forum is for!

I was going to check myself into a mental retreat in Queensland Australia at about the 4 week mark but I feel like I don’t need that anymore (maybe that’s some progress) but god damn

That absolutely is progress. Fully recognize it.

I would like some success stories of people feeling better after several months. Thanks all for your support so far

Success can look different for everyone. I learned to better regulate my emotions, and to know, accept and love myself. I still have a lot to learn, especially when it comes to letting go, but I’m patient with how I feel. I’m in a place where I wouldn’t go back to change anything that happened, in regards to the separation, because it allowed me to grow into the objectively healthier person that I am today.

Hang in there, and be patient with yourself. As hard as everything seems now, what happened can be the catalyst for positive changes in your life. You deserve to be happy.

[SurvivalGuy]

Thanks for the kind words Tina. My psychologist thinks I’ve made progress but still says it’s fresh and that I should be patient.

Glad you have made progress. Being at a place where you wouldn’t go back and you can see how much you have grown must be such a great feeling. Can you talk more about what you have done? Is time and NC enough? I hope so.

[tina7868]

Thanks for the kind words Tina. My psychologist thinks I’ve made progress but still says it’s fresh and that I should be patient.

Taking the initiative and regularly seeing a psychologist is yet another step in the right direction.

Glad you have made progress. Being at a place where you wouldn’t go back and you can see how much you have grown must be such a great feeling. Can you talk more about what you have done? Is time and NC enough? I hope so.

Your questions are making me reflect! I appreciate the exchange.

I'd change your first question into ´what haven't you done´  ? I've explored new hobbies, gone to therapy, journaled, meditated, focused on my career, spent time with friends, exercised, gone for walks, posted on these forums, tried my hand at manifestation (which didn't work out the way I wanted thankfully   ). In the beginning, there was a lot of crying. A lot of oscillating. Waves of sadness, and regret, and not feeling good enough.

I think things started to change for the better when I was able to integrate what happened into my life's story. Give it a meaning to it that I decided on, and have an idea of what my future actions would be based on my values. There are a few posts from this forum that brought up points which really hit home when it comes to that :
- I should want better for myself, I deserve to be happy and not have my inner peace compromised
- People are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. So, even if the relationship with my ex was difficult, the reason behind it happening was that I grew and became a better person
- I myself am a sensitive and empathetic person. No contact doesn't work for me, and that's okay, but with the intention of kindness towards myself I need to remain distant so as to protect my feelings and not undo the progress that I put a lot of work into

Recently, I met someone who I had a nice connection with.  I was able to recognize that it wouldn't lead to anything serious because they are not emotionally available. It gave me hope to feel that way again. It was also nice to be able to let my brain think first before letting my heart have free reign. I will not torture myself over someone, and it isn't up to me to prove myself.  These realizations apply to everyone, including my ex, who I used to categorize separately.

This experience has allowed me to extend even more compassion towards people who are going through breakups. It's a humbling and hard and confusing experience that is intensely human. Yes, time and distance help, but so does patiently working towards piecing yourself back together with love and kindness. It sounds like you're already off to a good start.

[cranmango]

I’ll second Tina’s excellent post. They put it far more eloquently than I ever could.

One more thing to add: the breakups taught me how strong I am. Three years ago today I was in the immediate aftermath of the first breakup. It almost broke me. Couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat. Lost 50 pounds. Didn’t see a reason to go on. Was in pain every second of every day.

But I endured. Slowly, piece by piece, I got my sanity back. Reading these forums every day helped immensely. So did opening up to a few close friends. Going back to treatment with my therapist. Getting back in touch with folks from earlier chapters of life.

I still hurt. But the pain is a dull ache rather than a bullet wound. Today I see the strength of my resolve. I know this feeling will pass, and a new day will come.

I could not see that three years ago. I see it now.

Keep posting, friend. You are not alone.

[NarcsEverywhere]

I mean, after my ex-girlfriend destroyed me completely over 10 years, I learned to love myself, which has slowly caused a lot of growth. It's not easy to heal from these things, but I think I wasted a lot of time, trying to journal to my abuser and make peace with her, when I really needed to focus on myself, because I don't need people like that in my life, and when I finally decided to go no contact and not look back, it was the best choice for me.

I find that since I got so enmeshed with her, all the loving poems and loving journaling and focusing on her, and the nostalgia, was probably just bad for me, because what happened is, I was constantly empathizing with her, and her disorder, and not myself and the trauma I went through.

Most of us, that end up in these relationships, seem to get into them because we feel under appreciated, unloved, and not seen and understood. So I like to focus on giving those things to myself, although I think having it externally is important too, just not as essential as I once thought.

Remember, grief is a process too, that's why there's hope, because it's a natural process that you can go through and come out on the other side. I'm not gonna say it's easy, no it's hard as hell, in fact, it's one of the hardest things you deal with, but if you are a bit smart, you can learn from it all and come out better than before.

[ParentingThruIt]

I hope you’re in a better place now. Thank you for posting this thread. I am in the first year of separation from my uBPD ex and dealing with custody stuff for our kids

The grief was far worse early on, just massive sadness at the loss of the relationship and everything I had hoped for, as well as worry about him and anger.

My functioning now is better but still not really normal levels, particularly at work. I am struggling to accept that I can’t fix everything and that I didn’t cause everything. It helps to read what people have written here.

I am doing the Quit Walking on Eggshells workbook and it’s helpful to explore these difficult feelings. I go to a support group for abuse survivors that has been helpful. Just having community contacts, neighbors etc is very helpful. And my kids.

[Under The Bridge]

A very difficult situation to be in. All breakups cause pain but it's worse when the ex has BPD, as the attraction is usually far stronger and thus the loss is much harder to cope with. Time is definitely the factor here, it will get better but of course that's no consolation while the breakup is still recent and hurting.

In my own case, I found that keeping myself occupied was a great help in not letting my mind dwell on what had happened. I've been a musician all my life and I used that to fill my time. Keep the mind busy and hopefully it doesn't dwell so much on the bad things. Having friends around you is also important and I kept doing all the things I used to do with them before I was in the BPD relationship. Basically trying to get some sort of 'life before I met the BPD person' normality.

It takes effort I know but I think it's vital to see the relationship with the BDP person as just one of the many relationships we have in life, albeit definitely one of the hardest. The one positive thing is that hopefully we will now be able to recognise red flags in future relationships and avoid being in the same situation again.

Things will definitely get better with time, but each person's length of time is different. Stay strong. Your family, friends and hobbies are your rock now.

[jaded7]

This is a good question and will be good for everyone who reads and shares. Thanks for the prompt SurvivalGuy.

Yes, we've all been there and and we've all wondered when it will end. It is a very common part of the healing process.

I think it's important to take small steps, a win or two each day. Be easy on yourself, accept that this is hard and has touched something really deep inside. Because that's exactly what's happened.

We who get involved in these relationships learn to put ourselves second, we caretake the partner and walk on eggshells. We give up little parts of ourselves, bit by bit. We become attached to the person, in a profound way. And then that attachment is broken, shattered. Often with really harsh words and blaming us for our own confusion and pain.

I was walking around last night thinking about how I was going to check myself into an emergency psych facility a couple years ago. I was in so much pain, having really dark thoughts. And as I was walking I realized how intense that was, and how I don't feel I need to do that now.

Like for you, that is progress. And I count it as progress. Another thing I do is remind myself that I never had any intention to hurt her, with my words or my actions. It was always love for me, and I can be proud of that. If she didn't see me, didn't understand that.....well, that is not my fault. She chose to create the weirdness and confusion, she chose to use me for her needs and dismiss mine.

Like underthebridge above, music has been a real salve to me. I bought an electric guitar and have spent at least an hour a day teaching myself music theory and scales and modes.....complex stuff that occupies my brain, and more importantly, makes me feel good about learning things. I learn licks from famous players, and that gives me immediate positive feedback.