Wife in meltdown mode

[garthaz]

  She was in the kitchen downstairs. Everything was quiet. My son and dogs were downstairs. All was peaceful.

All of a sudden I hear BOOM! Then glass breaking. The dogs ran upstairs and onto the bed. Both of them wanted me to hug them. I hear screaming in Portuguese (She is Brazilian, but I do not speak it well.) The dogs and I are safe, so this must involve my son. I am afraid to go downstairs, so I text my son. He says she is babbling in Portuguese and not making much sense. All this time, the glass breaking and destruction is continuing. It sounds like she is swinging a bat at anything she can see.

She is a clean freak to the extreme. When everything quiets down, I go downstairs. She tells me to stay out of the kitchen because glass is all over the floor. She is back in clean freak mode cleaning the kitchen. I think she is just in coverup mode, trying to get rid of the evidence, so she can deny this ever happened. I don't know how she is going to explain the huge dent in the metal sink, but she'll find a way.

My son revealed to me that she was mostly yelling because my son and I don't help her clean. We have tried, but she just gets mad because we don't do it as good as her.

The next day when things have quieted down a bit, she admits she had a meltdown. She said she almost committed suicide. All this happened about 10 days ago. I have been walking on eggshells ever since. Tonight she is finally in a good mood again, as long as I only stay on "Safe" conversations.

Any suggestions?_

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Chief Drizzt]

Maybe help with cleaning… Also hold your son accountable if he has chores to do.  I realize the BPD reaction was over the top and she shouldn’t have blown up - however in spite of that her concerns are valid.  That’s when this gets tricky - when they are in the right - but take things to an unacceptable level.

[garthaz]

Thanks for your advice. It is working so far!

[goodjus]

I think its a bit unfair to just say "start cleaning". The OP talked about how he tries but perfectionism in his wife doesnt allow for any effort to be recognized as help and thus starts the conflict cycle. He is both the rescuer and perpetrator.

I think validating for her that it can be frustrating for things to be dirty and feeling like no one helps are real emotions and anyone would be frustrated by it. The hard part, I say this from my own experience is knowing that you factually do try and help clean and are trying your best when you clean. Then she is, in fact, invalidating your effort. So to stand in that, accept her invalidating you for what you are doing(despite you knowing thats false), not take it personally or be triggered, then in same moment, be able to validate her feelings takes heroic effort and advanced level emotional regulation and leadership. I wanted to affirm to you how hard that is and how awesome you are for trying to do that. But if we want to stay with out BPD partners, its what has to be done.

But its not just that, theres the additional emotional attunement you can gain from this conversation. After validating, asking open ended questions with regards to how she feels. "What would a clean kitchen look like to you?" "How can we help out more so you don't feel so overwhelmed?" To let her respond and lay the ground work. It wont be straigh forward, she may just say "don't live like pigs" or something unhelpful. But, this opens the lines of communication to let her know you care about her feelings and are willing to do something actionable. Anyway, I am new here but thats my 2 cents.