After 3 years, it's finally over and I am struggling to make sense and recover

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I will spare everyone the common details that we all experience - the 7 stages of being in a relationship with a BPD woman.  What seems to be hitting me the hardest right now is the way it finally ended.  Three times in the past, I had begun packing up my things to move out and I was pretty resolved in it.  But when I started moving packed boxes to the basement to get ready, then within a few days she starts saying things, "I miss you, I don't want to live without you, we have to figure our how get better..."  The usual.  And me being an empath crusader type of man, of course, my heart-strings are pulled and I come back in. 

Also, there were many times that I was completely done with her, but was concerned about what she might do if I actually moved out.  I can even remember times thinking to myself, "I wish she would just find another guy and fall in love with him."  Well...

Two and half weeks ago (Wednesday the 3rd) in the morning, she got naked to take a shower.  We had a fight the night before because she came much later than she said she would - again - leaving me to deal with the dogs and everything else and of course she was mad because I was upset about it.  Anyway.  So she's there naked and, being a guy, I came in and said, "I'm not mad anymore" and I hugged her tightly.  She made her happy cooing sounds and melted into me.  Later that morning I sent a text saying how great that morning hug was and she responded with "I absolutely love it when you hug me so tight" with hearts and kisses emoji's.  That night she said we need to break up.  Wait, what?

Yup.  That very night.  She tells me that she started seeing a "specialist" weeks ago and didn't tell me or anyone else.  You see, our couples counselor (and I) strongly recommended she see a true trauma specialist.  Several of us were aware that she was borderline.  Well, she said she tell me or anyone because we were pushing that and she didn't want to appear to be just doing what we said.  So, that night she tells me that she was talking to her new therapist and that she has decided we need to break up.  Same day as that text message.  We had a brief talk that night - I asked her if there is another man involved and she said no.  The shock hadn't even sunk in yet.

I didn't get to talk with her again until Saturday because she made sure not to be home while I was home.  On Saturday we are talking about who's moving out and what not.  I asked her something like if she had been talking to any new guys and she tells me she talked with a guy the night before (Friday) but she thought he was gay.  Turns out she didn't tell me she also made out with a guy from work that night.  Selective truth.

She goes away for a whole for work and there is no contact.  When she gets back the following Saturday, we talk again.  I asked her again about another man, and she finally admits there is a guy at work she has always admired that seems really great.  I asked her, so when was the first time you kissed him?  My question shocked her.  That's when she told me that last Friday but swears up and down nothing happend before then.  Whatever.  This part is important, because she didn't break up with her last "abusive" boyfriend until she knew I was in the picture.  I'm quite certain it's the same case here.  As soon as she knew the new guy was for real, time to break up with me.  I'm guessing something happened between them that Wednesday between the naked hug and the "we need to break up."

Here's the kicker, during that same conversation she is now telling me that her "specialist" told her there is nothing wrong with her ("she validated me that there is nothing wrong with me") AND that I am abusive to her and she needs to get out of the relationship.  What??  I am the abusive one?  I admit that when she is in the zone, as I call it, she will push me until I explode.  And I say mean things.  I have NEVER touched her or anything like that.  She has spit in my face, hit me, beat up my car, kicked in doors when I try to get away from her, block me from trying to get away punched walls, tried to jump out of moving cars, destroyed things, relentless criticisms, screaming at the top of her lungs in fits of rage, and saying the most horrible things anyone has ever said to me (things I never heard in previous relationships; PLEASE READ you, I hate you, I wish you were dead, I hope I never see you again... and all in a screaming rage one inch from my face and over and over in every fight), but when she drives me to lose my PLEASE READ and I say something mean or yell, that makes me an abuser?

Well, the rest of the weekend was actually calm and cordial.  She finished moving her things upstairs and we actually had a couple more talks where she broke down and cried.  She told me she just realized that she has been lonely and alone her whole life and that I was the best relationship she ever had.  We even hugged and cried together.

Then, this past week, she goes completely no contact.  Like she has been advised to do so.  Yes, that's an assumption, but I have had to do that.  So if she and her "specialist" think I am abusive, then go no contact.

So I am struggling.  This is like combat.  All the gaslighting and building me up to trash me.  I keep thinking if only I had moved out of my own volition first, it wouldn't hurt so much.  But who knows how she would have handled that?  The whole relationship began with her obsessive, stalker pursuit of me while I was with another girlfriend.

Now, I'm dealing with abandonment/rejection, betrayal, being lied to, and absorbing the messaging that I was abusive, which makes me think even worse of myself and then there's the no contact to make it even worse.

I am probably just rambling at this point.  Anybody have any words of wisdom to help me start recovering?  The thing is, several girlfriends ago, I was involved with an NPD psychopath and the circumstances of the end were quite similar.  My therapist has told me that I have to choose better.  Yeah, easier said than done. 
 

[thecrusader]

I will spare everyone the common details that we all experience - the 7 stages of being in a relationship with a BPD woman.  What seems to be hitting me the hardest right now is the way it finally ended.  Three times in the past, I had begun packing up my things to move out and I was pretty resolved in it.  But when I started moving packed boxes to the basement to get ready, then within a few days she starts saying things, "I miss you, I don't want to live without you, we have to figure our how get better..."  The usual.  And me being an empath crusader type of man, of course, my heart-strings are pulled and I come back in. 

Also, there were many times that I was completely done with her, but was concerned about what she might do if I actually moved out.  I can even remember times thinking to myself, "I wish she would just find another guy and fall in love with him."  Well...

Two and half weeks ago (Wednesday the 3rd) in the morning, she got naked to take a shower.  We had a fight the night before because she came much later than she said she would - again - leaving me to deal with the dogs and everything else and of course she was mad because I was upset about it.  Anyway.  So she's there naked and, being a guy, I came in and said, "I'm not mad anymore" and I hugged her tightly.  She made her happy cooing sounds and melted into me.  Later that morning I sent a text saying how great that morning hug was and she responded with "I absolutely love it when you hug me so tight" with hearts and kisses emoji's.  That night she said we need to break up.  Wait, what?

Yup.  That very night.  She tells me that she started seeing a "specialist" weeks ago and didn't tell me or anyone else.  You see, our couples counselor (and I) strongly recommended she see a true trauma specialist.  Several of us were aware that she was borderline.  Well, she said she tell me or anyone because we were pushing that and she didn't want to appear to be just doing what we said.  So, that night she tells me that she was talking to her new therapist and that she has decided we need to break up.  Same day as that text message.  We had a brief talk that night - I asked her if there is another man involved and she said no.  The shock hadn't even sunk in yet.

I didn't get to talk with her again until Saturday because she made sure not to be home while I was home.  On Saturday we are talking about who's moving out and what not.  I asked her something like if she had been talking to any new guys and she tells me she talked with a guy the night before (Friday) but she thought he was gay.  Turns out she didn't tell me she also made out with a guy from work that night.  Selective truth.

She goes away for a whole for work and there is no contact.  When she gets back the following Saturday, we talk again.  I asked her again about another man, and she finally admits there is a guy at work she has always admired that seems really great.  I asked her, so when was the first time you kissed him?  My question shocked her.  That's when she told me that last Friday but swears up and down nothing happend before then.  Whatever.  This part is important, because she didn't break up with her last "abusive" boyfriend until she knew I was in the picture.  I'm quite certain it's the same case here.  As soon as she knew the new guy was for real, time to break up with me.  I'm guessing something happened between them that Wednesday between the naked hug and the "we need to break up."

Here's the kicker, during that same conversation she is now telling me that her "specialist" told her there is nothing wrong with her ("she validated me that there is nothing wrong with me") AND that I am abusive to her and she needs to get out of the relationship.  What??  I am the abusive one?  I admit that when she is in the zone, as I call it, she will push me until I explode.  And I say mean things.  I have NEVER touched her or anything like that.  She has spit in my face, hit me, beat up my car, kicked in doors when I try to get away from her, block me from trying to get away punched walls, tried to jump out of moving cars, destroyed things, relentless criticisms, screaming at the top of her lungs in fits of rage, and saying the most horrible things anyone has ever said to me (things I never heard in previous relationships; PLEASE READ you, I hate you, I wish you were dead, I hope I never see you again... and all in a screaming rage one inch from my face and over and over in every fight), but when she drives me to lose my PLEASE READ and I say something mean or yell, that makes me an abuser?

Well, the rest of the weekend was actually calm and cordial.  She finished moving her things upstairs and we actually had a couple more talks where she broke down and cried.  She told me she just realized that she has been lonely and alone her whole life and that I was the best relationship she ever had.  We even hugged and cried together.

Then, this past week, she goes completely no contact.  Like she has been advised to do so.  Yes, that's an assumption, but I have had to do that.  So if she and her "specialist" think I am abusive, then go no contact.

So I am struggling.  This is like combat.  All the gaslighting and building me up to trash me.  I keep thinking if only I had moved out of my own volition first, it wouldn't hurt so much.  But who knows how she would have handled that?  The whole relationship began with her obsessive, stalker pursuit of me while I was with another girlfriend.

Now, I'm dealing with abandonment/rejection, betrayal, being lied to, and absorbing the messaging that I was abusive, which makes me think even worse of myself and then there's the no contact to make it even worse.

I am probably just rambling at this point.  Anybody have any words of wisdom to help me start recovering?  The thing is, several girlfriends ago, I was involved with an NPD psychopath and the circumstances of the end were quite similar.  My therapist has told me that I have to choose better.  Yeah, easier said than done. 
 

[thecrusader]

Has anyone heard of Michael William Denney and his book, "How I Survived My Borderline Girlfriend"?  He is big on his 4 step approach to deep healing which includes the traditional 12-step within it.  I do want to heal deeply and I do not want to be exhibiting borderline characteristics myself in future relationships.  He speaks of the fact that the trauma they impose on us, "infects" us.

[Pook075]

Hey brother, so sorry you're going through this and thank you for posting.  If we swapped a few minor details, your story could easily be my story or the story of hundreds of others here.  The patterns are so shockingly similar.

I'm almost 10 months out from ending a 24 year marriage and at times, I still miss her terribly.  But I've gone through the grief stages and now accept that no matter what I do, she will still be broken and my feelings will never actually matter to her.  It's just no way to live and even though you're devastated at the moment, you're going to come out of this okay.

To answer your question specifically, the best way to start healing is to focus on your own physical and mental health.  Not one or the other, but both at once since they both play roles in healing.  Get outside or go to the gym, hang out with old friends and family, and maybe get back into a hobby that you once loved.  Be selfish for a bit, focus on your own feelings and needs, and try to build healthy habits to work through them.  For example, church was a huge help for me right from the start.

I won't sugar coat this; you're going to hurt for awhile.  We all did/do.  Check out the resources on this site to better understand BPD and the chaos that it brings to relationships.  And keep posting here, keep talking out your feelings and emotions.  Some days early on will be tough, but eventually you'll gain some acceptance and realize that this breakup has very little to actually do with you.  The guy she's seeing- that will fail too.  And so will the guy after that.

Again, I relate to so much of your story, it's my story as well.  We're here for you brother- good luck!

[thecrusader]

Thank you for your reply, Pook.  It is comforting to know that the patterns seem to strikingly similar as I read books, watch YouTube vids and read message board posts.  I am having a tough day.  Primarily it's because I am feeling what I believe is guilt and shame.  She blamed me for so much.  When I was still dating the other girl, and my BPD and I were emailing and it was so intense.  She says I would ghost her but then when I told her I needed time, she told me later that I broke her when i said that.  But then why did she start up with me when I finally was able to break free from the first girlfriend?  It's all so confusing. 

And now she and her friends and her "specialist" think I am an abuser or something.  I swear the only time I ever raised my voice to her and/or said mean things was after she was berating me or in some instances, spitting at me, telling me she hates me, she never wants to see me again, and all the rest.  I never was physical with her.  No woman I have ever been with, including two severe alcoholics said anything nearly as harsh and cruel and hateful as my BPD.  And now with her no contact, she has her new guy and her group of friends and I know in my heart, she is just living it up while I am trying to pick up my pieces.

I remember her telling me that when I was still with my other girlfriend and we were having our intensely emotional cycles via email (soulmates, love of our lives, etc.), but I was confused and needed more time, her friends were pushing her to go out with other men and even to just have some sex with other guys.  She told me she never did, she didn't date anyone or have any sex or anything like that.  The crazy thing is I believe her, but why would she do that?  Why not date other guys if I'm saying I need time?  It's like she stuck it out just so she could crush me. 

[thecrusader]

While we were emailing, I would even say to her,  "you live in [City 1] and I live in [City 2], how would this even work?  We have such a huge age difference and I don't know if this is more like a professor/student crush.  How can we be sure?  You say we are soulmates and you love me but do we really know each other yet?"  When I asked her those things she would get highly offended.  

Look, I admit, I am empathic, I have self-esteem issues in cycles.  I'm not going to lie, when she was filling me up with all her words and the intensity of her emotions, I got really caught up in it and I reciprocated the comments, i thought I was falling in love, but I was still confused and wondering if it was healthy or even real.  I should not have expressed those words to her at the time, but I was really feeling it.  And then when we got together finally, I really thought we were soulmates and the loves of our lives.  I was blind to the red flags during the email period.  

[Pook075]

While we were emailing, I would even say to her,  "you live in [City 1] and I live in [City 2] , how would this even work?  We have such a huge age difference and I don't know if this is more like a professor/student crush.  How can we be sure?  You say we are soulmates and you love me but do we really know each other yet?"  When I asked her those things she would get highly offended.  

Look, I admit, I am empathic, I have self-esteem issues in cycles.  I'm not going to lie, when she was filling me up with all her words and the intensity of her emotions, I got really caught up in it and I reciprocated the comments, i thought I was falling in love, but I was still confused and wondering if it was healthy or even real.  I should not have expressed those words to her at the time, but I was really feeling it.  And then when we got together finally, I really thought we were soulmates and the loves of our lives.  I was blind to the red flags during the email period.  

Every single one of us saw red flags and ignored them.  I remember thinking about breaking up with my ex while we were still dating- something was off, can't remember what.  But I ignored it and was engaged a month later.  I'll say it again, this is not your fault brother.  Stay strong, keep busy, and you will come out of this okay.

[thecrusader]

Thanks, brother.  I really appreciate the support.  I am doing my own work/therapy to heal my deepest issues so I will not attract a BPD/NPD into my life again.  It means I have to learn healthy self-love and dig out the deepest hurts. 

[kells76]

Hi thecrusader, just joining in with Pook075 to welcome you here. We're so glad you found a safe spot to land as you work through what you experienced in your relationship.

One thing that stood out to me in your posts was the idea that your ex told you the absolute truth about "what her specialist told her about you". I think I'm seeing that here:

Here's the kicker, during that same conversation she is now telling me that her "specialist" told her there is nothing wrong with her ("she validated me that there is nothing wrong with me") AND that I am abusive to her and she needs to get out of the relationship.  What??  I am the abusive one?  I admit that when she is in the zone, as I call it, she will push me until I explode.  And I say mean things.  I have NEVER touched her or anything like that.  She has spit in my face, hit me, beat up my car, kicked in doors when I try to get away from her, block me from trying to get away punched walls, tried to jump out of moving cars, destroyed things, relentless criticisms, screaming at the top of her lungs in fits of rage, and saying the most horrible things anyone has ever said to me (things I never heard in previous relationships; PLEASE READ you, I hate you, I wish you were dead, I hope I never see you again... and all in a screaming rage one inch from my face and over and over in every fight), but when she drives me to lose my PLEASE READ and I say something mean or yell, that makes me an abuser?

...

Now, I'm dealing with abandonment/rejection, betrayal, being lied to, and absorbing the messaging that I was abusive, which makes me think even worse of myself and then there's the no contact to make it even worse.

and here:

And now she and her friends and her "specialist" think I am an abuser or something. I swear the only time I ever raised my voice to her and/or said mean things was after she was berating me or in some instances, spitting at me, telling me she hates me, she never wants to see me again, and all the rest.  I never was physical with her.  No woman I have ever been with, including two severe alcoholics said anything nearly as harsh and cruel and hateful as my BPD.  And now with her no contact, she has her new guy and her group of friends and I know in my heart, she is just living it up while I am trying to pick up my pieces.

 I want to challenge that a bit -- check out this thread on the concept of "she told me that the therapist said XYZ".

We're wired to believe what others tell us, especially loved ones. That's just part of being a real human being.

It is really difficult to come to terms with how many pwBPD don't operate like that.

It is very possible that the "specialist" didn't say anything of the sort -- but because your ex so wanted to believe that you were to blame, due to her strong inner shame and "allergy" to blame, she may have taken a benign statement from the specialist like "well, it's likely that both of you contributed" and taken that one grain of truth -- that you contributed too -- and inflated that into "obviously it's all your fault". Instead of using that time to focus on her own contributions. And, instead of realizing that just because two people contribute to a relational dynamic, does not equate to it being a 50-50 contribution.

So, an idea could be, instead of giving any weight to your ex's statements, by engaging with them to justify that you aren't an abuser... what if we took it back a few steps before that, and questioned whether she was telling you the truth about her sessions anyway?

I seriously, seriously doubt that your ex was telling you exactly what the specialist said, at all.

Food for thought... and you're not alone.

kells76

[thecrusader]

I want to thank all of you for the replies.  I'm still trying to sort throug all the carnage.  I no longer accept the narrative that I was abusive.  I think she was twisting a narrative.

[once removed]

I no longer accept the narrative that I was abusive.  I think she was twisting a narrative.

she has a narrative, for sure, as we all do. two people breaking up rarely agree on the reasons for the breakup, tend to have different versions of events and perceptions, and their reasons for breaking up often change with time, especially as the ice thaws.

while not all perceptions are valid, hers is as real (to her) as yours, and i wouldnt be so quick to completely dismiss it. what i would do, is put it in a more helpful context. let me explain what i mean.

"abuse" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, along with other terms like "gaslighting" and "boundaries". i dont say that to make light of one abuse vs another, but that there is nuance to it, and people will not always agree on what it is.

i think if you polled most of us here, we would generally agree that shouting in someones face is an abusive act. i also suspect many of us have done such a thing, or similar, and i suspect that most of us would also agree that having done so does not necessarily make one "an abuser".

i think that looking at it through this lens, whether you are/were an abuser (or who was the worse offender), is probably not all that helpful.

I admit that when she is in the zone, as I call it, she will push me until I explode.  And I say mean things.  I have NEVER touched her or anything like that.

at the end of the day, i think the question to ask is "how did i get here? how did i get in this dysfunctional situation/relationship, how did i get into this situation where i found myself saying and doing things that are unlike me, that i dont like doing, and that im not proud of? how did i get so far away from my own values?"

my relationship was a powder keg. we fought all the time, from day one. we fought hard, and ugly. there were many times that i tried to break up with her because we were just so clearly dysfunctional and i knew it. but i couldnt bring myself to pull the lever, in part because of my own dysfunction.

anyway, there were a number of times during those fights that i would certainly consider things i said or did "abusive".

1. once, she was being a jerk about some gifts i got her, so i smashed them with a hammer, which she responded to by destroying a gift shed gotten me.
2. once, she started a jealous fight, i went into a fit, and she locked me out of her apartment. i demanded to get my belongings and she wouldnt let me. she got in her car to leave, and i got in front of it, shouting at her, demanding my belongings, and threatening to "beat the  out of" her car. someone, rightfully, called security for that.
3. i remember one of our last, big, blow out fights, screaming, insulting each other, and at the top of my lungs telling her that she was a psycho, and that i "HATE BEING YOUR BOYFRIEND".
4. i punched a hole in my own wall in the middle of demanding she leave my place

i could go on, but those are some of the worst.

those things happened 12 or more years ago now. they are not things that i go around beating myself up for. they are not things that have happened since. they arent things that had happened before. i didnt take myself to anger management (which is not to suggest i couldnt have used the coping skills!) or start some 12 step program.

but they are things that are hard to admit, even in anonymous forum where most can identify. they are things i am not proud of, but can only take responsibility for. with the benefit of hindsight, they are things i no longer recognize; i cant believe that was me.

it pains me when i read members describe how theyve never had these kinds of problems in any other relationship before (i hadnt either) and how they were pushed to it, and that otherwise, theyre a saint (im not saying you said this OP, i just see it all the time). our ex loved ones often say the same thing.

everyone is a great driver in an empty parking lot, including those who have never driven before. put up obstacles, lanes, other drivers, and suddenly you have a different picture.

the fact is, this is the dysfunctional environment (it was not peaceful, it was not loving) we found ourselves in, remained in, and this is how we coped with the stress.

it was a lot of stress. perhaps an extreme amount. but thats life; we dont have control over everything that happens to us, only how we cope, and we will be tested again. how will we cope next time?