Input welcome about my Dad.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Things that have been happening lately:

I've felt really anxious often and had a terrible time resting. I've been renting out my energy to my Dad in the last few days, like there was a boundary breakdown here. It didn't feel good, like he'd dump, or talk to me, and I'd feel like crap and I'd think it'd my own personal issue that it feels so crappy to talk to him, I guess because there's a lot of baggage there. Gonna take a break from him for a few days probably.

It's like we've been alternating feeling like crap and helping each other, with cooking and responsibilities, this doesn't seem healthy at all, since I think it's excessive. Gonna address this.

Anyways, he knows we have financial concerns, and he wanted to spend money going out to eat, that we don't really have, I've been foggy, and went with it, but it hasn't been too bad. Also, he wanted to go on some charter fishing trip and acted devastated when he couldn't, and it costed too much for where we are at financially. I mean, I know he's irrational, but it feels like he is prodding the issue a bit much.

When I tried to bring up how he treated me when I was injured, he shut me down and threw it back in my face, and guilt tripped me about it. Because I was trying to address my fear of getting injured being excessive, because of how he treated me, but the discussion ended there. Also I brought up him helping me a bit with agoraphobia by driving to places nearby, since I don't even do that, and he got this smug smile on his face that kind of disturbed me. At least that's how I interpreted it.

Often times I struggle to even look at him again, like I used to, because it feels that uncomfortable, and honestly, maybe scary? My mind wants to disassociate around him, which I originally thought was just baggage, but he has seemed awfully irrational lately, complaining way more than normal. And one time when we ate, he like did this weird boundary crossing thing of nagging me about the food while I was eating, like he needed to constantly check in on how I was enjoying it, which he never does. It felt like harassment.

I dunno, it's hard to live life and remember manipulation tactics and such, I've been able to do it in the past, but it's like, I get consumed by them, out of paranoia, and often times, my instincts about how I feel about things, tend to have a similar result, as I know it feels crappy to be around him. But I woke up this morning, feeling like I don't trust him and finally assessed things he's been doing recently, and it feels/looks like a lot of boundary crossing stuff, some guilt trips, prodding of financial issues, and even one time he seemed to prod something that upset me about animals.

He still claims to be this innocent guy who does nothing wrong. I wish he was a more extroverted type of person with NPD, because being the covert type, he always has plausible deniability to rely on, and it's too exhausting for my sanity to constantly question the crap out of every little thing. I just wish he'd own up to some stuff, but he still doesn't. He wants to keep his cards to himself, especially his manipulations.