HPD Mother of My Children in Denial - Is this a loosing battle, was it all fake?

[ClaritySeeker]

So as per my earlier post my GF of 15 years and mother of 2 kids has shown a new side to her this last year, caught inappropriately messaging an old friend (as we got engaged even - admits now teasing and emotional support) and then further inappropriate behaviour out and about. All I knew about her changed. She tried to downplay it all but I realised something was amiss.

Personality disorder was the only logical explanation with her, unfortunately I got her to a Psychiatrist in a hurried appointment whilst we fell out the night before making her defensive and he just said "I just see a relationship issue no disorder" despite not having half the picture really.

So we went off on a wild goose chase looking for what was wrong with our seemingly great relationship before this lot happened with me being told to bury it even by the councillor the cheating/flirting stuff and pay her more attention (nonsense), until more recent childish mood swings have lead me to believe maybe he missed the mark, whilst not being so familiar with HPD as supposed to BPD – with many HPD being high functioning holding down jobs etc – one of his questions he asked about.

I fear this is to end badly now as she won't listen to me,  is in complete denial citing her behaviours as normal (so how can I trust her?). I want the best for my children of course I worry she will rub off on them.

Even if I do get her to diagnosis and treatment, will she ever perhaps now be the mature adult partner I perhaps thought I had that is always there for me?

I feel like she has been fake all along in some way now - I read how people with HPD are sort of faking it, not sure who they are and are just shallow people (the lack of empathy has been mind blowing lately).

Could she have been in remission and buried this side to her?

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[kells76]

Hi again ClaritySeeker -- thanks for updating us on what's going on.

To address your last question first:

Could she have been in remission and buried this side to her?

I think I've seen on the boards here that yes, some members' spouses seemed "mostly normal" for a while, and then traumatic/stressful events seemed to trigger strong PD features. I am not a professional so I couldn't tell you the why or how, or whether she "intentionally buried" that part of her or not, but I can say, yes, this has happened to others. At minimum it seems related to how pwPDs struggle to healthily manage stress.

I don't think I saw in your posts if something unusual, stressful (in her perspective), traumatic, or different happened? Or am I remembering that there was a house move involved?

I think I do recall you mentioning that she'd moved into a different room in the house. Is that still going on?

And how old are your kids, and how are they coping?