Never a good idea to tell your uBPDp they have BPD? If it’s affecting the kids?

[Joaquin]

Our daughter is still only a toddler and so far my uBPDw has been a very loving mother, but lately her anger has been getting the better of her and I’m starting to worry about how her BPD might affect our daughter (and any other kids we might have) when they’re older and it’s easier to see them as people with agency instead of innocent babies. My wife very easily feels negatively towards others and sees them as wronging her.

I sometimes wonder if it might ever be justified to tell my wife she has BPD and needs to treat it for the sake of the kids, like if it affects the kids really negatively. I know the rule is to never give the diagnosis bc they’ll just get super defensive and it won’t work. Are there any exceptions to that? What if it’s hurting your kids? What if you’re ready to end the relationship and have nothing to lose?

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[Notwendy]

My reply to this, from the child perspective, is- that "for the kids" does not have any more impact than for you, or anyone else. The issue is their own denial/projection mechanisms. Telling them they have BPD may not be effective because of the emotional response they have to this- it won't work. There are some people who have BPD who are motivated to get help- they can hear it- from a therapist, but only because they are motivated themselves.

Your child is young but I think at one point it would help the child to know their mother has BPD, when they are old enough to understand what mental illness is. I think it's a good idea to have a counselor explain this to them. I would recommend counseling for children to help them deal with the dynamics in the family- and with their BPD parent.

Yes, this affects the kids in some way- to what extent could vary and depends on many factors. A counselor can help with recommendations of how to mitigate this with the positives- education, positive experiences, time away from the disordered parent such as summer activities, school, sports, staying with relatives, and their relationship with the non disordered parent- all these things were helpful to me as a child to provide positive interactions with adults and peers.

Rather than attempt to change the person with BPD, perhaps focus on the factors that will help your child. If their mother is abusive, then it's important to protect the child from abuse. That was a difficult aspect because it is hard to prove emotional abuse, especially when the kids are well cared for in other ways- a home, clothing, school- the abuse may not be visible. In our family, I think we were somewhat protected but a big focus was on protecting BPD mother and keeping her issues secret so as to not upset her. I also didn't learn about BPD until much later, as an adult. Since she blamed me for her feelings, if she was upset, this affected my self esteem and our relationship. I think it would have been good to have known it was due to her mental illness and not something I did. It don't think even my father knew my mother had BPD at the time because it wasn't a well known condition and without internet, hard to find as a topic.

[thankful person]

Joaquin, I am also walking this road but in a lesbian marriage with three small children. My wife was diagnosed bpd before we met and completed some dbt therapy. It helped her to beat the self harm and eating disorders. She does not consider that she still has bpd. She says dbt taught her mindfulness and distraction. If they mentioned anything about how your relationships may be difficult due to your disordered paranoia and somewhat delusional thinking, being very controlling of your partner and fear of abandonment, she has not shared this with me. She has not mentioned anything specifically about controlling her anger or expressing yourself calmly (I think that’s part of the mindfulness aspect). It has helped me to view my wife as delusional because it’s closer to dealing with a psychotic illness like schizophrenia at times. If you confront your wife, she will only see that you are attacking her and her parenting and this won’t go down well. She may have a secret desire to be less angry and to be a “better” parent (or this may come if she does start becoming more angry with your child). I say secret because it seems in my wife’s case she does not admit to any character flaws. Ever. This is the shame that is such a huge part of bpd. She is happy to criticise her body. But not her self or her behaviour. If your wife decides she wants to improve her behaviour then maybe therapy could help her. But she needs to make that choice herself and you won’t convince her. I’m focussing on supporting my children through their childhood and also standing up for them and myself is a large part of this. Becoming a better role model for them was part of why I started this journey which found bpd family. There’s a good book called raising resilient children with a borderline or narcissist and I highly recommend it.