Just had our first separation talk, need support

[Joaquin]

BACKGROUND
Marriage of 4yrs with uBPDw, we have one toddler daughter. First 2 years were me living on eggshells in extreme FOG and hypervigilance, internalizing her criticisms and demands and absorbing a lot of damage to my health. 3rd year I snapped and we had a lot of conflict, some couple’s therapy, some messy limits were set and the dynamic changed. I then learned about BPD and this last year was overall the best but dysfunctional patterns still emerge when she’s emotionally unregulated and copes via blame/control towards me.

PRESENT
We’ve had a few arguments over the last couple weeks which she views as me persecuting her and treating her badly. Yesterday morning we had a new babysitter and uBPDw asked me to get her started for breakfast. I clarified that I’d need to do the whole breakfast myself as soon as our daughter sees me. I was just tryna agree to the plan but wife took this as me complaining and talking to her wrong. I left WFH early to try to help wife after babysitter left, was caring and supportive, but wife was heavily dysregulated. She started on about how I don’t treat her well or talk to her nicely. I stayed calm and nonreactive but held my boundary that I felt that wasn’t an accurate portrayal and I can’t take ownership of the difficult emotions she has a hard time managing.

We spent the rest of the day disconnected (I periodically checked in on her to see how she was) and at night things took a new turn when we talked. She was confidently convinced that all this is a function of me being a bad uncaring partner and not talking to her nicely or meeting her needs. I tried to stay focused on my truth about ownership but probably fell into some JADE.

She eventually started saying things that can’t be unsaid, ie that we’re not compatible (something I’ve felt but haven’t said bc of the damage it would do) and how we should maybe take physical distance or just be roommates. My boundary on emotional ownership is one she never reacts well to and apparently can’t live with. I let her statements ring in the air and she had a huge crying fit during which I consoled her.

 I’ve tried hard to hold things together for the sake of our daughter, but it feels like this put us past a point of no return. Idk if she’ll try to patch things up today but I may not be able to pretend like these things weren’t said. No idea how I think I should proceed, just trying to get back to dry land internally rn. I’m feeling flooded, unsure of anything, raw, used up, alone, unsettled. Didn’t sleep. I know being alone would be healthier for me but I’m afraid for our daughter and also of the financial implications (she can’t work or do home care or take care of our daughter without help bc of health issues so I work 2 jobs and pay for home/child care — I used to do it all myself but the strain broke my body). If it came to divorce I think she would try to keep things amicable for the sake of our daughter but then again who knows.  

Feel like I’m falling trying to hold onto something. Any guidance or insights would be appreciated. Has anyone tried the roommates/parenting marriage thing with a pwBPD?

[ForeverDad]

People with BPD (pwBPD) have selective memories, especially when it deals with what you've said or done that triggers.  A common pattern is that you have to abide by the other's rules but those rules don't apply to the other.

It's possible that she won't remember (or even deny) saying such unrepeatable things.  Or she may be nice for a while.  Or she may paint you even worse than before.  Hard to predict which will happen.

Similarly, pwBPD can remember (or repeatedly accuse) the smallest things that you said years before that you've already discussed and apologized for numerous times.

[livednlearned]

I stayed calm and nonreactive but held my boundary that I felt that wasn’t an accurate portrayal and I can’t take ownership of the difficult emotions she has a hard time managing.

It takes a lot of strength to not be emotionally injured in these relationships. Some days are harder than others to find that strength.

When you talk about ownership and truth are you referring to validation or SET (support, empathy, truth) statements?

feeling flooded, unsure of anything, raw, used up, alone, unsettled. Didn’t sleep.

This might be a good time to focus on what your needs are right now, and less about what she's doing on her side of the street. You have a young child and are working a lot to support the family. Your wife has a severe mental health issue and it's taking a toll. Being an emotional leader in these relationships is no joke, it's priority #1. While you heal, it will be hard to get the validation you need from someone whose needs surpass yours by a factor of 10.

know being alone would be healthier for me but I’m afraid for our daughter and also of the financial implications

What do you think of journaling or documenting to help track patterns? You're a loving, supportive husband. You take really good care of your wife and it sounds like there are small improvements with some whoppers thrown in. Have you been working on validation and SET skills to see what impact they have? A lot of the skills discussed here are not intuitive and must be learned.

They're also much easier to tap into when your own needs for validation are being met, even if it's through a therapist you pay.

Looking back, my ex divorce kind of like a kid having a tantrum. The bigger the dysregulation, the more quickly he went to divorce. It kind of became a way to say "I'm at a 12 on a scale of 1 to 10."

When we finally divorced, it was a shock to him. He didn't want it, didn't understand how we got to that point, how could I do this to our family, etc.

If your wife is generally cooperative, not dangerous you may stand a better chance of turning this around and get your boat to safety where you can take a breath and think with a clear mind. It's ok to give yourself time to get sorted. It's shocking when someone threatens suicide, and same when someone threatens divorce. Doesn't mean they want to do it or plan to do it, it mostly means they're so hurt and angry and suffering in that moment and don't have other solutions to manage intense feelings in that moment.

You two might be incompatible and might not make it, because this is BPD after all. But try to let your own emotions return to baseline first. A lot of us try to make decisions when we're least likely to make good ones.

 

[Joaquin]

Your reply really speaks to what I’m going through rn. Thank you. You ain’t kidding re: her needs surpass mine tenfold. Her needs are infinite and mine are extremely small (I love being alone and take care of myself emotionally), which itself fuels her viewing me as a threat of abandonment.

My SET skills have gone down since I tried to focus less on the BPD (to try to feel more natural and less clinical), which I think has left me more reactive and less prepared for dysregulation which fuels my wife splitting me black lately. I think the lesson if we continue is that I unfortunately must keep a continuous conscious focus on the BPD to stay prepared for hiccups so I can SET well. Do you have good SET resources with examples?

Haven’t considered journaling patterns but prob a good idea. Do you have resources on this?

Wife isn’t dangerous or explosive. I see her as a fundamentally good person whose intense abandonment fears and infinite needs make her emotionally dysfunctional in a way that demands unhealthy, boundaryless ownership and caretaking from me. That makes it hard to say we’re compatible (is anyone compatible with a pwBPD?), but I think more in terms of just having something reasonably sustainable enough to remain a family if only for the sake of my innocent baby daughter. The thought of hurting her or being away from her is honestly too much for me to bear.

Wife saw me crying today and consoled me as I did her last night. There’s a feeling of mutual compassion rn which may give us enough ground to work our way back. I know the patterns will keep repeating so idk where anything will land long term. God this is hard business.

Thank you for talking. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this and feel quite alone, so you’re helping immeasurably.

It takes a lot of strength to not be emotionally injured in these relationships. Some days are harder than others to find that strength.

When you talk about ownership and truth are you referring to validation or SET (support, empathy, truth) statements?
 

This might be a good time to focus on what your needs are right now, and less about what she's doing on her side of the street. You have a young child and are working a lot to support the family. Your wife has a severe mental health issue and it's taking a toll. Being an emotional leader in these relationships is no joke, it's priority #1. While you heal, it will be hard to get the validation you need from someone whose needs surpass yours by a factor of 10.

What do you think of journaling or documenting to help track patterns? You're a loving, supportive husband. You take really good care of your wife and it sounds like there are small improvements with some whoppers thrown in. Have you been working on validation and SET skills to see what impact they have? A lot of the skills discussed here are not intuitive and must be learned.

They're also much easier to tap into when your own needs for validation are being met, even if it's through a therapist you pay.

Looking back, my ex divorce kind of like a kid having a tantrum. The bigger the dysregulation, the more quickly he went to divorce. It kind of became a way to say "I'm at a 12 on a scale of 1 to 10."

When we finally divorced, it was a shock to him. He didn't want it, didn't understand how we got to that point, how could I do this to our family, etc.

If your wife is generally cooperative, not dangerous you may stand a better chance of turning this around and get your boat to safety where you can take a breath and think with a clear mind. It's ok to give yourself time to get sorted. It's shocking when someone threatens suicide, and same when someone threatens divorce. Doesn't mean they want to do it or plan to do it, it mostly means they're so hurt and angry and suffering in that moment and don't have other solutions to manage intense feelings in that moment.

You two might be incompatible and might not make it, because this is BPD after all. But try to let your own emotions return to baseline first. A lot of us try to make decisions when we're least likely to make good ones.

 

[livednlearned]

Your reply really speaks to what I’m going through rn. Thank you. You ain’t kidding re: her needs surpass mine tenfold. Her needs are infinite and mine are extremely small (I love being alone and take care of myself emotionally), which itself fuels her viewing me as a threat of abandonment.

This might sound a bit extreme, but this is what was suggested to my H (he has a BPDx wife and BPD adult daughter, SD26). Because SD26 (who, like your wife, is more of an internalizer) spun out when H even left the room, it was hard for him to go to dinner with me and/or friends because SD26 blew up his phone. The psychologist recommended giving SD26 lots of reminders. "Saturday I'm going to be out. I'll leave money here for you to order dinner." Then the day before, "Remember I'll be out Saturday. That's my night to hang out with friends/LnL, so I won't be here. You've gotta watch xyz so we can talk about it blah blah." Then the day of, "Let's have brunch together and go for a walk. If you want to join me to work out, I'll probably head to the gym at 3pm. I'll be out tonight so if you need anything, now's the time. I won't have my phone on for 90 min so I can be present with friends. I'll text you when I'm done." Then another pep talk before heading out. "Remember I'll have my phone off for 90 min so if you text I won't see it until 9 o'clock when we're done.

I know it sounds excessive and your wife might not be that needy but we were blending our family and being a step parent was really tough for SD26. I had started to say no to going out to dinner with H because why? He would end up on the phone texting SD26 all night. He'd cut dinner short or we'd skip dessert or cancel our after dinner plans because of suicidal ideation or whatnot from SD26 to get him to pay attention to her.

Do you have good SET resources with examples?

I think Shari Manning's book Loving Someone with BPD is good, and so is Valerie Porr's book Overcoming BPD.

I will say that I leaned too hard into validation and SET at first and kind of ended up with boot prints on my back. With SD26, and probably due to my own deficits from having BPD in my family of origin (brother), then marrying/divorcing someone with BPD, I was on an empty tank tbh. My ex had BPD/bipolar but I didn't learn about BPD until after the divorce so didn't really get a chance to try SET skills in a husband/wife relationship. He was not cooperative + dangerous so my efforts were focused more on safety.

Another good book is the Lundstrom's You Don't Have to Make Everything All Better, especially the part on asking validating questions. I internalized this skill so much it has had an impact on my career. Difficult people are everywhere, this skill won't go to waste.

Haven’t considered journaling patterns but prob a good idea. Do you have resources on this?

I kept a running doc in Google, so not super high tech. It's been 10 years since I journaled what was happening and it's fascinating. I don't even recognize the person I was. It also confirmed for me that I made the right choice to leave. I think a lot of us have parts of us not entirely visible until you sit down and write it. For you, it might help you spot patterns. Like whether or not your wife dysregulates during specific times of day, or after the babysitter leaves/arrives, baby wakes up/goes to sleep, etc.

Wife saw me crying today and consoled me as I did her last night. There’s a feeling of mutual compassion rn which may give us enough ground to work our way back.

Your wife is unique and her BPD traits will present in different ways, mixing with her personality in ways unique to her.

If there's an NEA-BPD Family Connections support group near you, that can be helpful (depending on who else is in the group). One of the things they said in the sessions I attended is that you can't change your pwBPD but you can change yourself, and that can in turn change some of the BPD behaviors. I found this to be very true. My BPD relationship right now is an adult step daughter and because of my long history with BPD I get really triggered by her, but triggered less. I am more skilled now. My boundaries are way better. And at times I sense a speck of respect from SD26. I think having compassionate boundaries makes her feel safe from being an @sshole.

But it's different than having a spouse with BPD. You are in a much more intense interpersonal give and take.

I do think it's reasonable to assume you will have a bit more skill when it comes to emotion regulation and have to expect she'll be emotionally less mature if she doesn't get diagnosed and treatment.

These are not easy relationships. It will just as hard if not harder for her to make changes as it is for you.

[Joaquin]

Thank you for all this info. It's scary to hear about how many pwBPD you've had to navigate throughout your life but it's also inspiring because you sound really emotionally mature and not bitter at all.

What you said about leaning too heavily on validation/SET and having bootprints on your back resonates with me. Keeping myself nonreactive, zen, and compassionate enough to SET also makes me err on the side of over-accommodating and maybe letting too much go. Not like I used to when I was desperately trying to please her out of pure FOG and hypervigilance, but still. It's just so exhausting to raise an issue knowing how much dysregulation it'll lead to, and my uBPDw is so hypersensitive that even controlled, caring discussions about limits or problems throw her into immense physical and emotional pain, sleeplessness, etc. If I breathe too heavy because I ate too much she thinks it means I hate her. When I actually talk about something I'm not happy with in the relationship, oh boy.

That said, we've made a lot of progress and I have to work much less hard now to reassure her. In the beginning I had to be hypervigilant about how I sat, eye contact, holding her hand 100% of the time while driving, not falling silent for too long, etc. because everything was seen as abandonment. We're now at a point where I can spend a big chunk of the day working alone without a problem and, to her credit, she even takes our daughter out for a few hours here and there just to give me alone time bc she knows I need it. She is able to make progress, which gives me hope. It just has to be done with a lot of finesse.

The most confusing area for me rn is that space between my limits and still trying to fulfill her needs. I get great advice on this site but a lot of the emphasis is on holding my limits and not giving in too much, so I struggle a little with knowing how much I can or should give; I'm just trying to listen to my inner voice and hold onto my sense of self as much as I can while still giving enough to keep things going.

*One thing I'm feeling somewhat conflicted about: we had some nice reconciliation this weekend with a lot of mutual empathy and even discussed how to keep things peaceful moving forward, but afterward she pushed for her needs again as always happens after a conflict. She kept pressing me on "can you give me the love I need? I'll die without it it's like oxygen to me. Can you do it? I can't go on otherwise." She was being honest; that's how it feels to her. I said yes but she could tell I was conflicted. It's another attempt at making me responsible for her feelings, not my actions. I amended to "I can give love and care." She said "I'll be nice! It's not possible for me to be mean to someone giving me love and care." I replied with a pained "It is possible" [because it happened a lot in our relationship]. To her credit, she didn't deny it and even accepted it, joking about how men forget but don't forgive. I'm hoping this was enough for me to hold the boundary on emotional ownership, especially after I repeated it a bunch during the conflict, but I'm slightly afraid I enabled her a little too much moving forward. Actually now that I write it out it doesn't seem as bad.

Anyway, I started journaling her moods with very short, abbreviated notes in my phone calendar (e.g., "Friday heavy dysreg, bad. Sunday great mood"). I'm wondering if this is something I necessarily need to hide from her? I sort of tracked her moods early in our relationship (before I knew about BPD) and mentioned it and she didn't seem to react too badly to it. She has awareness of her emotional instability (she takes Paxil), though she may not admit it if she's feeling accused or abandoned.

This might sound a bit extreme, but this is what was suggested to my H (he has a BPDx wife and BPD adult daughter, SD26). Because SD26 (who, like your wife, is more of an internalizer) spun out when H even left the room, it was hard for him to go to dinner with me and/or friends because SD26 blew up his phone. The psychologist recommended giving SD26 lots of reminders. "Saturday I'm going to be out. I'll leave money here for you to order dinner." Then the day before, "Remember I'll be out Saturday. That's my night to hang out with friends/LnL, so I won't be here. You've gotta watch xyz so we can talk about it blah blah." Then the day of, "Let's have brunch together and go for a walk. If you want to join me to work out, I'll probably head to the gym at 3pm. I'll be out tonight so if you need anything, now's the time. I won't have my phone on for 90 min so I can be present with friends. I'll text you when I'm done." Then another pep talk before heading out. "Remember I'll have my phone off for 90 min so if you text I won't see it until 9 o'clock when we're done.

I know it sounds excessive and your wife might not be that needy but we were blending our family and being a step parent was really tough for SD26. I had started to say no to going out to dinner with H because why? He would end up on the phone texting SD26 all night. He'd cut dinner short or we'd skip dessert or cancel our after dinner plans because of suicidal ideation or whatnot from SD26 to get him to pay attention to her.

I think Shari Manning's book Loving Someone with BPD is good, and so is Valerie Porr's book Overcoming BPD.

I will say that I leaned too hard into validation and SET at first and kind of ended up with boot prints on my back. With SD26, and probably due to my own deficits from having BPD in my family of origin (brother), then marrying/divorcing someone with BPD, I was on an empty tank tbh. My ex had BPD/bipolar but I didn't learn about BPD until after the divorce so didn't really get a chance to try SET skills in a husband/wife relationship. He was not cooperative + dangerous so my efforts were focused more on safety.

Another good book is the Lundstrom's You Don't Have to Make Everything All Better, especially the part on asking validating questions. I internalized this skill so much it has had an impact on my career. Difficult people are everywhere, this skill won't go to waste.

I kept a running doc in Google, so not super high tech. It's been 10 years since I journaled what was happening and it's fascinating. I don't even recognize the person I was. It also confirmed for me that I made the right choice to leave. I think a lot of us have parts of us not entirely visible until you sit down and write it. For you, it might help you spot patterns. Like whether or not your wife dysregulates during specific times of day, or after the babysitter leaves/arrives, baby wakes up/goes to sleep, etc.

Your wife is unique and her BPD traits will present in different ways, mixing with her personality in ways unique to her.

If there's an NEA-BPD Family Connections support group near you, that can be helpful (depending on who else is in the group). One of the things they said in the sessions I attended is that you can't change your pwBPD but you can change yourself, and that can in turn change some of the BPD behaviors. I found this to be very true. My BPD relationship right now is an adult step daughter and because of my long history with BPD I get really triggered by her, but triggered less. I am more skilled now. My boundaries are way better. And at times I sense a speck of respect from SD26. I think having compassionate boundaries makes her feel safe from being an @sshole.

But it's different than having a spouse with BPD. You are in a much more intense interpersonal give and take.

I do think it's reasonable to assume you will have a bit more skill when it comes to emotion regulation and have to expect she'll be emotionally less mature if she doesn't get diagnosed and treatment.

These are not easy relationships. It will just as hard if not harder for her to make changes as it is for you.

[ForeverDad]

If you share that you've been tracking her poor behaviors, then she is very likely to demand you delete them.  I did it, so have many others here, and then when - predictably - things got bad again we had to start documenting all over again.

If you need to prove anything in family court then understand now that vague and unspecific statements such as "he always..." or "she always..." usually are disregarded as hearsay.  If you wish to point of certain incidents then you'll need some sort of log, calendar or journal to help you recall the details.  That is considered documentation and that is what can influence a court's decisions.

Please, save your records thus far to a couple places where she does not have access.  But that will only succeed if you don't weaken your boundary and agree to delete it.  This means you do NOT volunteer or "confess" you're tracking the bad times.  This also needs to be a boundary for you.

Too often family court doesn't care about the sources of conflict such as a personality disorder getting diagnosed.  For example, I was two years in divorce and six years post-divorce seeking an order that worked and during that time court sought only to deal by minimizing conflict and zero about WHY there was so much conflict.

[livednlearned]

It sounds like things stabilized a bit and the talk of separation is now settling?

One thing to watch for is that she may start to equate "let's separate" with "he came closer."

It can be the same with suicidal ideation when that feature takes root (doesn't for everyone). You take the thing seriously but you don't necessarily reward it with a change in behavior either.

The most confusing area for me rn is that space between my limits and still trying to fulfill her needs.

This is a high needs relationship. People with untreated BPD are high needs. In a normal relationship, one person might like to ride the roller coaster once a month. The other person might hate it but goes to be supportive. Or goes but doesn't get on the ride. In a BPD relationship, she's riding the roller coaster daily. She wants you to Get. On. It. Every. Day. Part of being in this relationship is recognizing that she wants something to a degree that means you will be holding steady more than if you were in a non-BPD relationship.

If you get on the roller coaster one day, she will want you to get on it even more the next day.

The compromise may be that you go with her to the ride, and reassure her you will be there waiting for her. Two feet on the ground. Waving, encouraging, supporting, staying put. In real terms that could mean saying over and over things like: I promise to try my best. I'm here. I'm staying. I'll not going anywhere. Let's talk when we're rested. Let's hug and not speak.

If she's saying "I'll die if you don't come on the ride with me next time" she's mostly expressing feelings in that moment. "I want this feeling to be here all the time."

Not realistic.

She's anxious (a form of imagination). People with BPD tend to have high anxiety. It will express itself in normal language but it's a feeling in a moment and we witness it without getting swept up in this imagined scary future. She has a problem trusting people and wants a hundred percent certainty you can be trusted, even when you're telling her "I don't ride roller coasters."

Anyway, I started journaling her moods with very short, abbreviated notes in my phone calendar (e.g., "Friday heavy dysreg, bad. Sunday great mood"). I'm wondering if this is something I necessarily need to hide from her? I sort of tracked her moods early in our relationship (before I knew about BPD) and mentioned it and she didn't seem to react too badly to it. She has awareness of her emotional instability (she takes Paxil), though she may not admit it if she's feeling accused or abandoned.

It might be worth journaling your moods too. How you respond is an important part of understanding what's going on too (if you're not already). And also, what was happening that might contribute. For pwBPD, it's often the person in closest relationship, which is you.

You have a better sense of your relationship when it comes to the journal and whether you hide it. I don't know many women who would love finding out a partner was tracking their moods, instability or not. That seems like a bit of dynamite there.  

[Joaquin]

Thanks for this. I'm currently in the admittedly naive mindset that I want to and can work things out in good faith and that if we did split we would both act maturely and cooperatively, so I'm not really thinking about building a case. For all the harm her BPD has done to me, I see my wife as a good person with good intentions who has demonstrated the ability to act ethically. Her religious values help a lot with this. That said, your advice is still valuable because I know things change and people can act very differently in the context of a divorce, so it doesn't hurt to hear your advice. I just downloaded a password protected journal app and I won't be volunteering its existence on your advice.

If you share that you've been tracking her poor behaviors, then she is very likely to demand you delete them.  I did it, so have many others here, and then when - predictably - things got bad again we had to start documenting all over again.

If you need to prove anything in family court then understand now that vague and unspecific statements such as "he always..." or "she always..." usually are disregarded as hearsay.  If you wish to point of certain incidents then you'll need some sort of log, calendar or journal to help you recall the details.  That is considered documentation and that is what can influence a court's decisions.

Please, save your records thus far to a couple places where she does not have access.  But that will only succeed if you don't weaken your boundary and agree to delete it.  This means you do NOT volunteer or "confess" you're tracking the bad times.  This also needs to be a boundary for you.

Too often family court doesn't care about the sources of conflict such as a personality disorder getting diagnosed.  For example, I was two years in divorce and six years post-divorce seeking an order that worked and during that time court sought only to deal by minimizing conflict and zero about WHY there was so much conflict.

[Joaquin]

Your rollercoaster analogy is very apt, and your explanation of her anxiously expressed needs as a feeling expressed through normal language is really insightful and helping me understand it better. Thank you. I am wary of setting bad precedents or rewarding bad behavior. I know it's a messy process, but I am committed to moving the needle in the right direction if only because I've been so used up by now that I no longer have any extra capacity or resources to spend on being an enabler like I used to be.

The key for us seems to be my staying in a nonreactive, caring state which she does seem to be able to see and appreciate on some level, even when dysregulated. From that position I'm able to more effectively communicate limits or hard truths, which she has demonstrated some ability to accept over time (if with a lot of resistance). Her deciding limit seems to be whether I'm meeting her infinite need for love, which you aptly describe as an anxious emotion. When there's conflict between us and my limit-setting feels to her like she'll never get what she needs from me, she hits a wall where she says she feels trapped and can't bear being in a relationship that deprives her like this. I'm sure we'll hit that wall again and I don't know what the outcome will be, but I know I no longer have the physical capacity to return to hyper vigilance and try to endlessly twist myself to meet her needs which will never be fulfilled. I guess I'm hoping that if I can stay nonreactive and keep things as cool as possible, we'll be able to communicate our way through.

It sounds like things stabilized a bit and the talk of separation is now settling?

One thing to watch for is that she may start to equate "let's separate" with "he came closer."

It can be the same with suicidal ideation when that feature takes root (doesn't for everyone). You take the thing seriously but you don't necessarily reward it with a change in behavior either.

This is a high needs relationship. People with untreated BPD are high needs. In a normal relationship, one person might like to ride the roller coaster once a month. The other person might hate it but goes to be supportive. Or goes but doesn't get on the ride. In a BPD relationship, she's riding the roller coaster daily. She wants you to Get. On. It. Every. Day. Part of being in this relationship is recognizing that she wants something to a degree that means you will be holding steady more than if you were in a non-BPD relationship.

If you get on the roller coaster one day, she will want you to get on it even more the next day.

The compromise may be that you go with her to the ride, and reassure her you will be there waiting for her. Two feet on the ground. Waving, encouraging, supporting, staying put. In real terms that could mean saying over and over things like: I promise to try my best. I'm here. I'm staying. I'll not going anywhere. Let's talk when we're rested. Let's hug and not speak.

If she's saying "I'll die if you don't come on the ride with me next time" she's mostly expressing feelings in that moment. "I want this feeling to be here all the time."

Not realistic.

She's anxious (a form of imagination). People with BPD tend to have high anxiety. It will express itself in normal language but it's a feeling in a moment and we witness it without getting swept up in this imagined scary future. She has a problem trusting people and wants a hundred percent certainty you can be trusted, even when you're telling her "I don't ride roller coasters."

It might be worth journaling your moods too. How you respond is an important part of understanding what's going on too (if you're not already). And also, what was happening that might contribute. For pwBPD, it's often the person in closest relationship, which is you.

You have a better sense of your relationship when it comes to the journal and whether you hide it. I don't know many women who would love finding out a partner was tracking their moods, instability or not. That seems like a bit of dynamite there.  

[livednlearned]

One thing that might work with your wife is to help her build skills in the spirit of extreme validation.

Meaning, validate that her anxieties are real, you find uncertainty challenging too, anxieties are about the future, be in the moment, be in the moment together, breathe (like boxed breathing or something). I'm sure there's all kinds of hacks you can pull from DBT that might help  too.

I haven't read it, but Alan Fruzetti's book High-Conflict Couple might also be useful. It's written for two high-conflict people, which doesn't apply to you, but I read a small section and it's helpful for presenting examples of helpful relationship skills when things are in the red zone. So, even if you aren't high-conflict, there might be examples for how to take care of yourself or communicate with her when she's dysregulating.

With SD26 (my stepdaughter with BPD), my husband is her sounding board for near chronic anxiety. He did martial arts with her as a kid so there's a foundation for this, but he does breathing techniques with her. So he's still there, still listening, but he's doing boxed breathing and holding his palms up (so she knows he's doing it), and this can sometimes lighten her up and redirect her without him getting pulled into drama she's spinning up in her head.

I have a child on the autism spectrum who also happens to be alarmingly smart. He experiences tremendous social anxiety. I stopped telling him what to do and started modeling ways of managing anxiety. I don't feel anxiety like he does but I can imagine how it felt when I was younger, not having a clue (about anything, really). For example, we decided to volunteer. I knew there would be some social awkwardness going in and meeting people and then it would smooth out. So I say these thoughts out loud, describe how I need a minute to pull myself together. Make plans for how long I'll do something. How I can always come back to the car for a breather if I need, or go to the bathroom. There's a thing to fidget, that always help, I'll take that with me.

For someone with BPD, the anxiety is about managing insanely bonkers feelings and distorted perceptions about where those feelings are coming from, who is causing them, are they real, how to stop them.

Maybe some of these things will help bring the intensity down a bit. Not cure her, of course, but model ways she can manage that include you (you're not abandoning or invalidating or dismissing her) while showing her some moves