Brother 54 suffering from BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have a younger brother with BPD who doesn’t believe anything is wrong with him. He can pretty much live his day to day life but keeps running into conflict with people he interacts with …he shows all the classic symptoms.
With me I try to be the elder brother he recently had a surgery and I was the care giver things went well and he called me over to discuss our inheritance …he was discussing something and I said no to a point …he just flew of the handle and he start abusing in the restaurant and even accused me of killing our mother. I left in disgust later that same evening and then multiple times over the past week he has called and I have not responded am healing.
How should I communicate with him a. In the personal space and b. Regarding the inheritance
Would be grateful for any help

[Robbie67]

I have a younger brother with BPD who doesn’t believe anything is wrong with him. He can pretty much live his day to day life but keeps running into conflict with people he interacts with …he shows all the classic symptoms.
With me I try to be the elder brother he recently had a surgery and I was the care giver things went well and he called me over to discuss our inheritance …he was discussing something and I said no to a point …he just flew of the handle and he start abusing in the restaurant and even accused me of killing our mother. I left in disgust later that same evening and then multiple times over the past week he has called and I have not responded am healing.
How should I communicate with him a. In the personal space and b. Regarding the inheritance
Would be grateful for any help

[Notwendy]

I am not sure what this entails but I think pwBPD have a skewed sense of "fairness".

There's an emotional aspect of money and inheritance that is separate from the amount and people experience things emotionally. For someone with BPD, this is possibly skewed. They see themselves as victims.

When you discuss this with your brother, you are probably talking logically, math, numbers. Your brother is experiencing this through his emotional filter which is not logical.

Emotions are high when it comes to inheritance. You may be thinking a 50-50 split is fair but if your brother has a greater financial need, he may feel he needs more. If you are putting in more work to care for your parents, or helping them financially, you may feel your share should include reimbursement. None of these feelings are "wrong" but they make this kind of thing messy and emotional.

You may even need mediation assistance if it is a large estate.

[livednlearned]

I have a younger brother with BPD who doesn’t believe anything is wrong with him.

My BPD brother is the same.

His whole life people have suggested he needs anger management and that makes him ... angry. He does nothing to change.

To be fair, it's hard to accept something is wrong with us. For someone with BPD who lacks a clear sense of self, it's that much harder. There is no real self to take responsibility. Lacking a self means there are no boundaries. That makes it hard to tell where the source of anger or hurt or sadness or fear is coming from so pwBPD locate it elsewhere, usually on people close to them.

Is there something about the inheritance that needs to be discussed? He may be drawing you into a conversation that doesn't need to happen.

The people I've known in my life with BPD often use topics of interest to others knowing it's a way to engage.

I'm low contact with my BPD sibling. When we are in the same space together I tend to use non-verbal boundaries since they are less likely to stir up conflict. If I disagree with something he's saying and there is no consequence for me, I acknowledge (versus agree) and move on.

For example, my brother does not want my 80-year-old mother to drive. He's tried to enlist me in a caper to prevent her from getting her license renewed. While I agree she is in no shape to drive, I am not prepared to get involved in the issue. I don't say no, but I don't say yes either. It isn't a matter of not caring, it's a matter of figuring out ways to be effective and being realistic about what isn't.

It isn't effective to try and reason with him.

I find validating questions are the most helpful. I ask him what he thinks, I express some curiosity (trying to not get wound up, which is hard), I nod my head, I say Huh, yeah, hmm, interesting when he says something nuts. If he presses me, I have a handful of things I try to say to buy me time. He likes to bring up failures in my life, so I say things like, "Yeah, that's yesterday's chapter" and try to move on.

Do you need your brother's agreement on anything in particular when it comes to your inheritance?