First post — trying to navigate family wedding

[musiceveryday]

I am new here, hi! My therapist has often suggested I research BPD based on stories I’ve told her about my mom and sister. I still have some work to do, but my impression is that they both have undiagonosed BPD.

This week, I am really struggling with anxiety around my sister’s upcoming wedding and would love some tips.

My sister’s wedding plan set some pretty high expectations for the guests. Every guest has to stay at the $1000 hotel or no one will get the group rate. The event is multiple hours away from airports, etc. I was really proud of how I communicated boundaries. In particular, I’ve learned that simple statements “I can’t afford that” or “I am only able to stay one night” don’t open the door for her to argue until she wears me down.

Recently, I gave another short response to a big ask I genuinely couldn’t do  (“I’m sorry, I’m not available”), and she launched into  a long tirade about how I am so selfish and don’t care about family. She even said that she looked up my Venmo and wished I cared as much about my family as I do about spending money out with friends. Not that this needs to be said, but it’s particularly wild because I have done like 6 Venmo transactions this year. It’s a weird card to play. Since then, she has given me the silent treatment.

At this point, I’m worried about two scenarios that fit patterns in my sister’s behavior and my family’s response and would love advise on how to respond:

(1) Scenario 1: she has lied to family members (including kids) about what happened and they are ignoring me or uncomfortable at the wedding

(2) Scenario 2: she makes a mean joke about my appearance or  reveals something mean I said years ago about my husband at the wedding that my family will excuse

For context, my family all recognize that my sister can be difficult/manipulative/selfish at times, but that hasn’t changed any of the patterns. I’d love any advice so I can rehearse responses or bring tools with me.

[livednlearned]

Welcome and pull up a chair 

Weddings and BPD. There should be a whole section just for family gatherings and personality disorders.

Congratulations on setting a boundary. $1000 for a hotel room is just, wow. Great that you could let her deal with the consequences of the group rate problem. That's her bed, for her to make.

My first move would be to set Venmo to private so she can't snoop on you there. 

This is a small tip but I find BPD projection is so primitive that you can pretty much swap out pronouns and it's them talking about themselves. "I'm so selfish, I don't care about family." Because expecting family to pay that kind of money plus flights and whatnot is not exactly thinking of you.

As for scenario 1, how do you feel about checking in with people to check your hypothesis. "Are we good?" That at least gives you an opportunity to find out if your fears are founded. I know people recommend to not care about these things and take the high road. That's also really hard to do.

Scenario 2 is something I worry about with my sibling (uBPD). He likes to humiliate me in groups, preferably during a lull in conversation. He has an uncanny ability to make it seem like a joke, so if I don't lighten up I come across as overly serious.

The bigger issue is that these are probably things that are painful for you for some reason, and so carry emotional weight. Either your sister says many mean things and these are the ones that are particularly painful, or she knows these are painful and goes for the jugular.

Depending on which one it is, you have different options.

I wish I could say I've been successful over the years at learning how to handle these moments. Sometimes the best I can do is get myself to safety. Often I'm overcome with physical issues that make it hard to rise to the occasion, or shrug things off. I was watching a female politician being public humiliated by our former president in a way that was similar to what my sibling does, and the female politician simply said, "Please do not mischaracterize my achievements." It struck me because she kind of neutralized things without getting into a pissing match.

I try to go for those types of responses. "Please don't mischaracterize me."

As for how you look, would a shrug work? For BPD people in my life, I try to not show much emotion otherwise it gives them ammunition.

Or changing the topic. "It's your day. Let's talk about how lovely you look." (I mean, I wouldn't be able to do that, but it's a strategy).

When it comes to things you said about your husband, I would get ahead of that and tell your husband. I've had to do that with my current H. My brother likes to drag things out of the closet I would like hidden. There is nothing my sibling can say about me my H has not already heard, and we've been able to discuss the context from my point of view.

Is he in your corner? I would also ask him to help you throughout the event. My H stays by my side as much as possible, and he also helps me when I regress. My sibling likes to whip up anxiety and discuss negative things. He thinks and talks fast and I end up on my heels. H watches for these interactions and kind of pulls my shirt to remind me to talk a walk or get some air.

[Notwendy]

In a similar manner, BPD mother tells stories about what I did as a kid- the times I misbehaved.  That said- these were rare- I was not a bad kid- but she recalls the few things I did that probably many kids have done as sometimes kids test limits.

I think the point of telling your H what may come up is something to think about doing if this is something you fear, because this gives emotional power to your sister. I have always liked the wording of the 9th step (12 step program) "be willing to make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”


The idea of these steps is to let go of the emotional issues that take up our focus and making amends generally repairs relationships but the last statement- will it do more harm than good is important to consider. If what you said is so hurtful that it would harm him or your relationship- better to take this to a counselor who can help you with what to say or do about it. If your sister does say something- it will come from her, and he will consider the source. My BPD mother lies a lot, twist things, and even if there's some truth in what she says, it's not always accurate. Then you can explain. But if it is something you can talk about with your H- consider doing so and that alleviates the fear.