Need Support

[lovingsmk]

Hello!
I am new here...so thankful I found you!
My 31 year old daughter has BPD.  She has always been verbally abusive to me, and only me!  I haven't spoken to her in 7 months.  She won't return calls and has blocked me from everything!  At first it felt like a much needed break, now, since its been so long, my heart is breaking!
She was adopted as a newborn and was diagnosed at the age of 5 as early onset bipolar disorder.  After many medication trials and hospitalizations she was diagnosed with BPD.  She won't see a therapist or take any medications whatsoever now.
She is my child, I love her and I miss her.  Do you think she'll ever come back?
It was only a minor argument that caused her to completely alienate me!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi lovingsmk, welcome to the group  we're glad we can be here for you!

So much of your story will ring true to parents here -- one parent being the target of verbal abuse, the cutoff, early signs of challenges, stubborn refusal to engage with treatment, and a seemingly minor conflict leading to a blowup.

It does make sense that while you have tried to treat being blocked as a break, you also miss your D31 and care for her.

Is she your only child? And are you married/in a relationship, and if so, how is your partner/spouse doing with the situation?

Where is your D31 living at the moment? Does she have any children?

...

While not impossible, it seems unlikely that she will block you forever. Many parents here have experienced a child ending contact at one time, but reaching out after a while. Or, even though the child initiated the blocking, sometimes after a while, a parent reaches out to make sure the child is alive and surviving (especially in situations where the parent and child live far apart, for example).

If that can give you some hope, then perhaps you can add another "frame" to how you view this cutoff right now -- not only as a much-needed break from the verbal abuse, but also as a chance to do a deep dive into new ideas for communication. A lot of the tools and skills it takes to communicate with a pwBPD (person with BPD) are pretty unintuitive. In fact, we have a "Tips" menu up top, with a section on When a teen or adult child has Borderline Personality Disorder. Take a look at some of those articles, and let us know what you think.

Again, glad you're here;

kells76

[MLA1]

Hi Lovingsmk
you are not alone. My 25yo son has cut me off because his sister and I painted his childhood room. we have not spoken in 6 months except a couple totally brief connections. It is utter agony. I have been using this forum to stay strong.

it is true that the approaches that work are not intuitive. It may be months or a year or more I am sorry to say, but what I am learning is emotional 'intensity' scares them. so staying very cool, connecting occasionally with no ask, just a breezy hello and maybe a line or two that may interest them, is your best bet. Eventually the switch likely will flip back. But prepare for a long time. Your goal is to be the safe object they always know is there. It is helpful for them even if we can't really feel it.

we are here for you. I'm sorry it is such agony, but again, you are not alone.