Hello all,
I really didn't want to have to put my situation to a forum like this but I'm struggling with understanding it all and knowing what to do to get past it in a healthy manner.
Hoping for some advice, perhaps signposting, though I will be browsing more of the forum. Please be advised this will be a long post as I want to try and make it clear what the situation, the background and my understanding of everything is.
TL;DR - ex broke up with me, accusing me of things that I didn't do / misinterpreting actions and behaviours and making me doubt myself due to my own struggles with mental illness, not sure how to keep a belief in myself and stop being so hurt by the situation.
Background on me: I didn't grow up around any representations of healthy relationships, where my parents/siblings were physically and emotionally abusive to each other. I avoided the majority of direct incidents but internalised a lot of discomfort and developed (diagnosed) depression and anxiety as a result and also was emotionally neglected throughout my childhood and teenage years. I am also diagnosed as autistic, so there have been further complications with friendships/relationships, where I didn't make many, and ones I did make lead to me being fairly obsessively attached though I have been in and out of therapy and am currently back in treatment. It is suspected that I also have PTSD.
I've been having regular therapy sessions for a while and the therapist has remarked that I'm vulnerable in relationships and seem to overextend myself in being forgiving of when people hurt me, that I have really low self esteem but also that I'm fairly self-aware and seem to have a good sense of self. I do have very strong morals, I work really hard towards contious self-improvement and I'm often rethinking my actions, behaviours, their potential interpretations and such, though this is heavily driven by intense anxiety.
Background on relationship/critical instances: I was friends with this person for over half a year, from which then it developed into a strictly sexual relationship and then a romantic one that lasted only a few months before I was dumped.
We would occassionally drink alcohol when we would meet to have sex. One time I bought alcohol and they asked if we were going to drink - I said no, unless they wanted to. I made it clear I bought the alcohol to put in my fridge and there was no expectation to drink. Whenever we did, it was always together. We did end up drinking and having sex that night. There was no problems, they left the day after and I thought nothing of it. A few days later a mutual friend said that my ex (who was just a casual sex partner and friend at that point) came to them and was wondering if I had bought the alcohol with the intention of getting them drunk for sex and was questioning if it would count as assault. I was apalled and really uncomfortable, though ultimately it was discussed and resolved insofar as much as I repeated that no I explicitly did not buy the alcohol for that and that I had even told them there was no expectation, and never any pressure to drink/actually have sex. They were glad it was cleared up - though I never understood why they claimed it wasn't, and they didn't tell me - and wanted to continue the casual sex. It made me feel really gross to be accused like that though and the mutual friend suggested that I reconsider the relationship, but I've always done my best to be considerate and understanding, and I thought it was just a really bad instance of exactly that - a misunderstanding and continued along with the casual relationship.
At one point when we had established we had romantic feelings, we spent time in different cities during which they told me that they were splitting on me. I had a very basic understanding of BPD at that point so whilst it was distressing I chalked it up to being a mental illness struggle that I couldn't/shouldn't try to understand fully, though I did ask how to be supportive and did as advised. No problems, we come together again and resume to casual sex/burgeoning romance. Eventually they tell me despite feelings they don't want an actual established relationship and it upsets me so we cut things off. Time apart again and they don't want to speak to me. I'm missing them and upset about it and wanted them back in my life so I was pushy in my messages. In hindsight this was a form of emotional manipulation and I violated their boundaries, which I acknowledge and apologised to them for with full accountability.
*At the time I didn't understand that that was what my actions were - the full understanding of how I was abused by others and my family's abuse to one another and its impact is still being developed as I go through therapy - and changed my behaviour accordingly. I felt horrible about it and never wanted anything like that to happen again and so from then on was much more open and considerate of my own actions and what they meant, and things were good between us again.*
Another time we have sex and I assumed implied consent for rubbing myself on them (assumed because this act was consented to on another occassion and no discomfort was expressed at the time though I know this still does not = full consent). Only after that I saw they were uncomfortable and asked what was wrong, where they told me they didn't like or agree to what happened. I sat elsewhere and was trying to understand what happened/what to do. I had no idea what they were thinking at the time and was also extremely disgusted at myself. I apologised to them, asked what they needed, what I should do/how I could help but they didn't want to talk to or be around me and they left. We have time apart again but eventually talk it out (apologised again, explained what I thought but made sure to acknowledge that implied consent is not actual consent and what I did was still wrong) and then we are just good friends for some time. The feelings are still there however and from then on we do very romantic things, though at the time I was a bit shocked they had changed their mind on wanting a relationship, but I also agreed to date them.
Relationship and aftermath: It was established that they had issues trusting me and they would sometimes assume unusual motivations for things, when I would reiterate I just liked them a lot, and my ways of showing my affection would usually be through gifts and acts. I'd buy them stuff, cook for them a lot, do their laundry etc. They weren't often open with me about these concerns so I genuinely didn't think anything of it or that anything could be wrong. I was fully in love with them and it was mutual! There was a heavy focus on sex though and at times it would get very exhausting for me but I would agree to it because they enjoyed it so much, and also I would find it a bit stifling at how much time we spent together but I was more than anything just happy being around them so would brush it off. They sometimes said questionable things, that there was things about their past they were scared of telling me because they thought it would change how I thought about them - implying it would be so bad I would dump them? I still have no idea, but there was one unnerving incident where they said something to a long-term friend of theirs that was so uncomfortable that person never spoke to them again, but I never found out what was said.
We ended up spending so much time together however it starts to affect our studies and we try and spend more time apart to focus but are still together. A day or two before we part, they said to me they kept worrying that I was going to break up with them. I was really confused because I didn't think there was any issue. We behaved as usual, I said I loved them and they said it back, as usual. Days later, they proceed to break up with me through text.
They said that they have to focus on their studies and can't be with me at the same time but also suggest that we could MAYBE reconsider in a few months. I'm completely blindsided and upset, especially because of the method of breakup and what they said that essentially alluded to trying to shelve me because it was inconvenient but keep me around until later with no regard or respect for me as a person or my feelings. There's no contact for several days, until one day I reach out to ask to discuss why they broke up that way/how they were doing, but nothing helpful came of it so I never said anything beyond that. I really wish it would end there but this is where the accusations come into play: I looked at one of their social media accounts (I acknowledge I shouldn't have and I really wish I didn't) where I find out they're labelling me an abuser. They think I'm a narcissist, that I lovebombed them and emotionally and physically abused them, never actually cared about them and have outright said I did things that literally never happened.
When upset I once threw a lollipop at a wall, another time when they did something that upset me, I with genuine lighthearted frustration (though I recognise it was still unneccessary, and at the time I apologised for it) kicked at their leg. At those instances when I became aware it was upsetting, every time I accounted for it and said sorry and changed my behaviour. What they said on social media about the kick, how much it upset them and other stuff is more than they ever expressed to me in the relationship at any time, and they said they only realised the extent of my abuse after we broke up. Several other claims about things that happened are completely and entirely untrue. They also said that they're scared of me, was terrified of seeing me and broke off the relationship out of fear of how it would escalate, none of which I could have even imagined them thinking of me in a million years.
I completely abhor violence and they know about my history and family history of being exposed to it, that I'm constantly questioning myself even to the point of detriment to make sure my words, actions or anything else is never intentionally (or unintentionally) hurtful. They know about my own mental health struggles and my devastatingly low self esteem, and that I've never once exhibited abusive narcissistic behaviour.
If I didn't know about these claims I know completely that I'd still really be missing them and wishing we hadn't broken up, but since I found out I just feel utterly bewildered and also a mix of horrified and disgusted. I'm afraid of what other things they think, and can't understand how it makes any sense when I am not and have never been cruel like they've described. I do have a tendency to doubt myself at times due to my low points of struggling with my self esteem/sense of self and because of the fact my memory can be
PLEASE READty, but the breakup was recent and I'm absolutely sure I didn't do the majority of what they said I did, and the things I did do, I explicitly discussed.
My friends and family agree, my therapist too but ultimately I'm finding it really really hard to make sense of the fact that someone I loved so much and thought the world of could dump me so suddenly and change their opinion so drastically. My care for them hasn't gone away despite all of this and it's making it really hard to know what to do.
