BPD mother that I went NC last year.

[Auggie]

Hi
I have a BPD mother who i stopped talking to last year.  She has somatization disorder and extreme narcissism. I am an only child in my early 50’s and my dad died three years ago.  I tried to take care of her but she has been extremely abusive. Co dependent and in capable of communicating with two way dialogue. She has extreme political views and is controlling of everyone she meets.  I can only imagine getting close to her again with a therapist as a mediate. Either she sees one or we do together.  She is totally against it and doesn’t even think she is mentally ill anymore. She was diagnosed bipolar and taken drugs for years, she will not let me speak to her doctor either.

I dont want to abandon her, but I have been having panic attacks around her and extreme anxiety waiting for the next reckless episode. I couldn’t physically or mentally take it anymore. I didn’t know how sick she was until my dad died and now she is unhinged.  I have been in therapy for a year now and am dong better.  Much better not speaking to her.  If i were to speak to her,  i imagine anger and fighting which is probably what she wants.  

Has anyone used the silent method before, in order to change behavior? She says she is happy not interacting with me, but sends me things every month.  She does not want to change and thinks i should submit to her needs like a dog.  

Just interested in others opinions on behavioral change with the silent treatment. Sometimes silence can be loud.

[Notwendy]

Welcome- there are several of us here in a similar relationship situation. Your story is similar to mine in that I tried to be of assistance to my parents when my father was ill and passed away and my BPD mother's behavior was so abusive, I had to maintain a distance.

Yes, going silent is an option that posters here have done. It's called "no contact" (NC). Another option is low contact (LC). What you decide to do is entirely up to you- what you feel you need to do to protect yourself.

I also have moments of panic around my mother. IMHO, trying to do any kind of therapy with your mother is not going to be effective. My mother is resistant to therapy and if yours is too, it won't work. The more effective thing for me has been to go for myself and I recommend it for you, for your own support.

I don't seek a "relationship" with my BPD mother because, I think she's only as capable as her disorder allows it. Radical acceptance is accepting that the person is who she is.

At the time my father passed away, I was "discarded" by them. So I had the choice to not communicate with her. However, there were circumstances that I chose low contact. One is that she's an elderly widow and it didn't feel OK to me to do that. Submit to her needs like a dog is an accurate description of how she relates to me too. I don't have any illusion that she feels any affection for me. Others here have gone NC with their BPD parent because they feel it's the right thing for them to do. You can decide.

[NarcsEverywhere]

I get it, my Dad and other people in my life, who had these types of disorders abandoned me, and screwed me, and sucked me dry, at the worst possible moments, it really proved who they were, because it's pretty low to target people when they are down.

Ignoring only goes so far, it might work, but it might not. The only reason ignoring works for me against my neighbor and Dad is because I've both asserted myself to them a ton, and fought like hell, until they know that I will do that. And because I don't try to get their attention or control them more than is warranted. The last time my Dad tried to sit in the living room, plotting against me, I just told him straight up that it's not worth it to trust him, if he's going to intentionally hurt me, because it causes so much anxiety.

So, it sounds like your Mother might be very detached from reality then, my exBPDgf was. In that case it's going to be harder to get through to them. I feel like the best way to get through to someone with the disorder is to both assert what you will and won't put up with, and why and assert some sort of unconditional love. This doesn't mean you have to kiss their butts at all. But you may not be ready for such a letter, at one point the thought disgusted me. I just think in however you interact, it's important your mental health is valued first, like you pretty much said. Letters and e-mails work great because you can take your time to write exactly what you want to say, without the back-and-forth interactions that might cause issues.

But the less controlling you are in your interactions, the better chance it'll work in your favor. I find it's important to trust yourself rather than the mental patient, if they are guilt tripping you, or doing all this invasive disingenuous stuff to you. It's hard when you've been trained for a lifetime to buy into it, because you'll feel pissed or crazy afterwards. But just take a look at her, and look at yourself, and think... yeah, I trust me, just look at her!

It's easy to feel a sense of duty to your parents, hell, I do, even after all he's done. Sounds like you're still in the FOG quite heavily.

[livednlearned]

 Has anyone used the silent method before, in order to change behavior?

Is the silence for you, to help you get your feet under you and learn skills to help tolerate her? That is one way we take a break from abusive relationships. To get centered and learn ways to take care of ourselves, often one very small step at a time.

Some people will go silent in order to punish or make a point. I think the psychological and emotional costs of that can be high for both. Patricia Evans wrote a book called Verbal Abuse and in it she refers to the silent treatment as the worst form of verbal abuse. You will probably suffer less than her, yet still suffer, in ways that are hard to measure.

The difference between the two is a matter of intention though the outcomes might be similar (i.e. distance).

For me, estrangement was a time to figure out how to keep myself safe. Appeasing someone who viewed me as a scapegoat had become too risky. I simply stopped behaving the way I always had.

In dysfunctional or pathologic families, roles tend to be quite rigid. Family members are expected to conform to those roles because the conditions for spontaneous expression of healthy, real selves is too foreign. Vulnerability and intimacy are required for spontaneity.

How do you feel when you receive her small gifts/notes?

Is there a way you can have people check on her without direct involvement?

[Auggie]

The longer version of the story. My mother has found a new boyfriend and has been “adopted” by his family. She says she happy with this new family and really doesn’t care about having a relationship with me.  She wants to talk to my children, but thinks our political views are too extreme to have a relationship. I dont believe that is really true, but the “NC” is seeing what is real and what is not. I am trying to get my feet underneath me and would help her if she desired. But I will not break the law for her, nor will i be treated poorly.
I agree that the silence is hurting me too.  I tried to speak to her about her behavior for six months with emails and phone calls.  She hung up on me, kicked me out of the house, and said she is not interested in change. She wants her way or the highway. I cannot go back to that dynamic. It is what I was brought up with and it is too abusive for me.  If this new boyfriend and his family can tolerate her, then great!  I know it wont last and I will have to help her when the pieces crumble. They always to with all her relationships. 

[Jgsmama]

I can relate to this. If you haven’t read Understanding the Borderline mother, please do. The author breaks up BPD subtypes into witch, hermit, waif, and queen. My mother is a queen/waif, which it sounds like your mother is as well. Another great book is Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist. B/c my mother resists any type of relationship with me that has boundaries/isn’t enmeshed or co-dependent, I have gone NC. For 7 years, I brought her to periodic therapy sessions with 3 different therapists where I laid out boundaries etc. She bulldozed them days later every time. When I withdrew from her, she somatisized everything: her migraines, her breathing, her ability to walk. (She is only 71 and no doctor can find anything wrong with her.) The last straw was this winter she stopped eating, drinking water, drank tons of wine and took tons of pills, until I had to call her an ambulance. She was 5150’d at the hospital and was sent to a two-week geriatric mental hospital, which she takes her way out of in two days. My aunt returned her home and she fell and broke her ribs, and was sent to assisted living for 3 weeks to rehab her body. Her doctor and I had pleaded with her for years to exercise, go to physical therapy etc. she refused. Just sits in her apartment watching tv and ruminating about her terrible daughter (me). I have been NC since she accused me of lying to the social worker at the hospital who 5150’d her. I have a 4-year-old to take care. I cannot deal with her lunacy.

[Notwendy]

After my father passed away, I wondered if my mother would find someone else. Although she was elderly, she was attractive and surely would catch the eye of someone. She didn't do that but I would have been OK if she had. She had "discarded" me at the time.

She also somehow wanted a relationship with my kids, but not one with me. But my kids are wary of her. She tells others that I am "keeping her from her grandkids". The kids are adults now. They make their own decisions about who they want to visit. She tells me that she wants to see them, as if I have any control over that but I don't control my children's decisions. They have boundaries with her.

Her only interest in a relationship with me is that I am useful to her. I don't have any illusions about that. I didn't go NC with her- on the basis that it didn't seem ok with me at the time to go NC with an elderly widow. If she were younger and found someone else, she'd have no use for me and would have discarded me but she didn't - so she later "reowned me" but our relationship is entirely based on her needs and what I am willing (or not willing) to do for her.