Wedding Lynch pin

[Neverenough2023]

On a good day, my daughter is a kind, organized, energetic nurse. On a bad day she is throwing things, crying, sleeping all day, hurtful, and driving impaired. It seems that the success and upcoming marriage of her younger brother is escalating things. After several years of disastrous summer  parties, we have set a boundary around her coming and she is threatening to never speak with us again and not participate in her brothers wedding. While the positive side to this threat is that she can’t disrupt the wedding , we would certainly miss her tremendously. I am on my way to try to speak with her about the reason she is not welcome at the summer party but invited the days after the party. Not sure how to approach this discussion so as not to lock her mind into cutting off all communication. Any help would be appreciated

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi Neverenough2023, welcome to the group. You've found a good place to talk through the challenges you're having with a BPD family member plus large family events -- many, many members here are familiar with the stress of weddings and BPD!

I hear where you're coming from, that there are many parts of your D that you can appreciate. Yet, when it's bad, it's pretty bad.

How old is your D? Is she living at home?

And walk me through what's coming up a little more. Am I tracking with you that someone (you? her brother? someone else?) has set a boundary around your D and her brother's wedding -- not that she isn't allowed go, but some other kind of boundary -- and she is responding by threatening not to go to the wedding at all? Did I get that right?

And there is a separate party also happening before the wedding, and she has been un-invited to that party?

Lots of moving parts -- rest assured we can walk and talk with you through this. Communication skills with pwBPD aren't intuitive and need to be learned and practiced, and often are pretty different from skills we'd use to communicate with "generally normal" people. Take a look at our Tools and skills workshops, especially the thread on how to communicate to listen and be heard, and keep posting here, whenever works best for you.

Will keep an eye out for your reply;

kells76

[Neverenough2023]

Thanks so much for your response. my daughter is 32 and living alone as she has gone through 3 live in boyfriends and at least 4 female roommates with disastrous outcomes where they no longer speak. She is the older sister and was part of the wedding. We were all worried about the wedding so we met a few days before as a family and in the upcoming weeks she and her brother had strong discussions however we were concerned when she was insisting that after the wedding the attention went back towards her needs. She was out all nite the day before the rehearsal and seemed ok at the rehearsal but when leaving started insulting the other bridesmaids and ended up punching her father and kicking
me. When she continues at the hotel her brother asked her to sleep in a room away from the bridal party. She went ballistic even more and left before the wedding. Now we have no idea what to do. I will read your tips in hopes it helps somehow.

[wendydarling]

Hi Neverenough2023 

I'm so sorry, after all your careful preparation.   

Has your DD received a diagnosis, if so does she accept her diagnosis, or received any treatment at anytime?  Just wondering what her history is as a starting point.

however we were concerned when she was insisting that after the wedding the attention went back towards her needs.

Did your DD explain what her needs are?

Sending you a big hug

WDx

[Pook075]

Welcome to the forums, I can add a bit of insight as well.

As others have said, BPD causes breakdowns in communication and requires healthy boundaries to stabilize relationships.  Your kid has done whatever she feels like doing for awhile now, so of course she's not going to like it when you put boundaries in place.  Nobody would.  It ALWAYS gets worse before it gets better because you're telling an unstable person that they have to behave.

For the wedding, this is very simple.  All guests are expected to do x, y, and z.  They aren't special rules just to punish your daughter, these are standard things we do in society to celebrate a special day together.  If your daughter doesn't feel like she can do x, y, and z...then take away her threat of "I'm not coming" and simply tell her that she's not invited if she's bringing bad behavior.

Again, that will push her buttons and you'll be called all kinds of unpleasant names.  But that's okay because you and I are stable, responsible adults and we can spot a temper tantrum from a spoiled kid when we see one.  Sticks and stones...let her rant.  The expectations have to be crystal clear that the day is not about her and bad behavior will not be tolerated.  If she shows up and acts like a fool, you need to ask her to leave.  But you MUST establish those boundaries before she arrives so she knows what to expect.

I do agree that you might "miss her dearly" but again, the day is not about you or about her.  If she's not there, then you'll be missing her because of her own actions and decisions, not your own.  Remember that, not a single bit of this is on you or your family...it's solely on your kid and her insistence of being the center of attention.  Deny her that request and enjoy the wedding.

[Neverenough2023]

My daughter was first brought to therapy in her early teens for a brief period for anxiety. She stopped wanting to go and seemed to be working through it. I’ve asked her when she started to get more anxious and her response was when a boyfriend of 3 years broke up with her. It seems this may have triggered something. After this she moved to take her first job and had risky behavior and broke up with a live in boyfriend and started with DUI’s, anorexia and self medicating. This continues and while she has not disclosed any diagnosis it’s pretty black and white. I’m humiliated after her behavior at the rehearsal dinner as many people witnessed her outburst and absence at the wedding. I want to give her space to calm down and collect herself but I fear she will never speak with us again because she believes we attacked her and that simply is not true. After a week my bruises have faded but my astonishment remains over the animal like outburst I endured.  Should I try to set up a group therapy session? Would she go? Do I I wait for her to come to us? 

[memom23]

I want to give her space to calm down and collect herself but I fear she will never speak with us again because she believes we attacked her and that simply is not true.

I'm curious about your fear of her reaction. She behaved horribly, embarrassed your family and physically attacked you at a very special occasion. And yet you are afraid that she will reject you...

I lived in similar fear of my daughter and her reactions for many, many years. Thanks to a lot of support and therapy, I've learned that I was enabling really horrible behavior. Things started to change when I stopped fearing her reaction and started defining clear boundaries over what is acceptable and what is not. To answer your question, no I don't think you should reach out to her. I think you should get very clear under what terms she can engage with you again, and when she finally gets in touch (because she absolutely will), you can communicate your terms for engagement. I wouldn't revisit what happened at the wedding at all.

I'm so sorry it went badly. How very disappointing for all involved . This isn't easy...

[Neverenough2023]

I appreciate the support from people who have lived through this horror show and tried their best. I believe my next step is family therapy for those who will engage. I know my daughter has changed therapists when they tell her to listen to her family and I also know they are able to diagnose her quickly. Unfortunately she is not at a point of accepting her diagnosis and has taken the advice of one therapist to remove any negative influences in her life and focus on the positive. She said in the past few months that she is allocating 1% of her effort in her family and so I will need to stop allowing her to occupy 98% of mine. It’s a tough journey for sure.