Struggling to be a human being

[NarcsEverywhere]

I've developed a good attitude, great coping strategies, a lot of acceptance. But I think the worst part is not feeling very human. Between the poor concentration, the struggling through pain and confusion, the huge life changes, and feeling more disconnected from everything and everyone because of it all, it's a struggle to feel human, to have a life back, this is the worst part, and it's the part that I don't think I can change or even accept per say, it's the part that I just need to show compassion for myself about.

There's nothing I want more right now than to feel myself, to watch tv with good concentration, to be in a good mood reasonably often, to listen to music naturally, to connect to people naturally, to live a life, to feel less lonely. The suffering is super hard. We were treated like disposable garbage, like we're sub human, of no value, and we didn't deserve it. It doesn't matter how hard you learn from it, you just have to bide your time, and struggle through each day, trying to be more human, and more yourself, trying to heal. I guess that's my goal for today, to be as human as I can be, to connect to other humans the best I can, to treat myself as human as possible. I'm a human being, no one can take that away. I know that's what I deserve, no matter how anyone treats me.

[capecodling]

Remember that your assessment of yourself should never be about how someone else treated you, especially not a BPD / NPD ex.  The more you focus on “how could they do this to me” the more you give away your power to feel human to someone else.  It definitely helps at first to understand how BPD results in such toxicity, that’s part of the healing process — its also good to also move past that and figure out the things you can do for yourself to feel human again.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Yeah, I know, I normally do, but I have so much trauma, that if I neglect it, then it kicks my butt. Anger is a part of the healing process, it allows you to assert your value in the situation. If I neglect it, then I become too passive. I have like 7 traumas layered on top of each other of varying degrees, and since I am actualized, I see it all in detail, so it can be overwhelming. I am doing meditation at night sometimes, and it seems to help mend the splitting, because the softer emotions come up more, from this baggage. It's a hot mess of emotions to be honest.

For a long time, I find anger to be one of the most important emotions to feel, because if you stifle it, it'll cause you to feel very depressed and internalize stuff.

I agree though, self worth is called SELF worth for a reason,.

[tina7868]

But I think the worst part is not feeling very human. Between the poor concentration, the struggling through pain and confusion, the huge life changes, and feeling more disconnected from everything and everyone because of it all, it's a struggle to feel human, to have a life back, this is the worst part, and it's the part that I don't think I can change or even accept per say, it's the part that I just need to show compassion for myself about.

My heart really goes out to you. What you are going through is difficult. I certainly don't have the ultimate answer as to how to get through it. I would argue, however, that all the messy emotions, the feelings and struggles and pain and confusion you describe, are altogether very much a part of the human experience. In the anonymous setting of this forum, we all come together in that we feel these raw, distracting feelings that we are trying to make sense of.

That being said, I am of course only expressing my point of view. What makes someone human, to you?

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hey Tina, thanks for your response and kind words. Oh, to me, being human is just having a decent level of fulfillment, and being able to do a decent amount of things we need and want. Basically not being deprived and having some authenticity. When trauma eats up so much of your life, the struggle is there daily, even if you make the most of it. And then the bad days completely throw you for a loop. I dunno, I am so used to knowing most parts of myself, that the estrangement is super hard.