Ex husband coming into kids life after 3 years

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am not new to this site.  I wasn't able to recover my old account, but it was under the name Frankee, for any administrative that read this.

I left my ex 3 years ago, this month. We finally got our divorce finalized a couple months ago. My ex husband with the bpd is going to set up a supervised visit.  I had prayed this day would never come, but also prayed for the strength to stay strong when it does.  He gets 1 hour with the boys, in a public place, while the hired supervisor for the visit watches.

I am worried about what this is going to do to the emotional state of the boys. How they will react, what my ex husband will say, what things he is going to put in their heads.  What lies he will tell them.  I am worried that it is going to wreck all the happiness I have worked so hard to provide for my boys.  I am worried that he will lie to the boys and say all this is my fault and they will get angry with me.

I am also dating someone who means the world to me. I am worried that when my ex husband comes back in our lives and disrupts everything we worked so hard for, will all be ruined, including my current relationship.  The man I am seeing, I don't think he is like that, but I've learned to prepare for the worse. My oldest son is also best friends with the man I am seeing (they became friends after we starts dating) and my boy's are very close with him.

All of this has set me of the verge of tears and I figure that no other place would understand this better, than the community that helped me through so much already.

[Frozenimages]

I am not new to this site.  I wasn't able to recover my old account, but it was under the name Frankee, for any administrative that read this.

I left my ex 3 years ago, this month. We finally got our divorce finalized a couple months ago. My ex husband with the bpd is going to set up a supervised visit.  I had prayed this day would never come, but also prayed for the strength to stay strong when it does.  He gets 1 hour with the boys, in a public place, while the hired supervisor for the visit watches.

I am worried about what this is going to do to the emotional state of the boys. How they will react, what my ex husband will say, what things he is going to put in their heads.  What lies he will tell them.  I am worried that it is going to wreck all the happiness I have worked so hard to provide for my boys.  I am worried that he will lie to the boys and say all this is my fault and they will get angry with me.

I am also dating someone who means the world to me. I am worried that when my ex husband comes back in our lives and disrupts everything we worked so hard for, will all be ruined, including my current relationship.  The man I am seeing, I don't think he is like that, but I've learned to prepare for the worse. My oldest son is also best friends with the man I am seeing (they became friends after we starts dating) and my boy's are very close with him.

All of this has set me of the verge of tears and I figure that no other place would understand this better, than the community that helped me through so much already.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi, Frankee/Frozenimages!

It’s great to hear from you.

I totally understand what you’re going through; I’m in a similar situation as my ubpdxh is now pursuing supervised visits with my kids.

What type of supervisor will be monitoring the visits? If it’s someone from an agency that provides this type of service, the supervisor will likely be trained to intervene if they recognize emotional abuse, manipulation, blaming the other parent, or dumping his feelings on the kids as you described. Supervision of visits is to protect the children from emotional as well as physical harm, and generally, the supervisor is trained to coach the parent in how to interact with the children in an appropriate manner.

It could help to have your children in counseling so they have some extra support while they work through their feelings about their father re-entering their lives. A counselor for the children could also be a great resource for you, as they can help you navigate the best way to support your children, help them process their emotions, and maintain boundaries with your ex.

Is your ex allowed to contact you at all? Keeping firm boundaries around communication from him should minimize the impact he might have on your current situation, especially if contact with the children is limited to the supervised visits.

This is a transition, and it’s hard. It’s much easier when the ex is out of the picture and there’s no communication or contact. Navigating reunification is really difficult, for you and for the kids. I’ve had many of the same fears you have; still do, tbh. I’m working through that and getting support and advice from my T and the kids’ T, and that support is absolutely crucial in this situation.

Are you able to contact the agency proving the visitation? It may help if you can talk to the agency about your concerns and find out exactly how the visitation supervisor will handle it if your ex does start blaming and badmouthing you or dumping his feelings on the children.

[GaGrl]

I agree that contacting the agency prior to supervised visitation can help alleviate your concerns.

Does your ex understand the terms of supervised visitation? Who has explained it to him?

Nothing related to the divorce should be discussed during the visit.

[Frozenimages]

The supervised visits were court order through an agency.  I've spoken with the lady who runs the facility a few times in regards to the supervised visits. She even told me she would personally oversee our case.  I guess something I said in our conversations, struck her interest.  I have voiced my concerns and told her I honestly do now know how the boys will react.  She assured me that she is assigning one of her top trained supervisors that has done this for years.  I still find my stomach churning and my emotions on the brink of collapse.

He is fortunately not allowed to have any contact with the boys outside the supervised visits.  The lady also running the agency has assured me that she has told my ex the guidelines of the visit and he seems to understand the rules. Whether or not he'll be able to adhere to them strictly, is another matter. 

This may be selfish, but the longer that he stayed out of our lives, the longer I could just act like he was locked up and the key was thrown away.  Not having to deal with him has brought me peace I haven't known in years.  Now, I feel the energy shifting and the dark clouds coming.

I have been assured through the agency that he understands the rules and that a very trained professional will be watching him, but I still can't shake this pit of my stomach, upset feeling.  I feel like everything I have been trying to keep away from the boys, will all be unleashed and the boys will fall back into a distressed emotional state.  I need counseling, but unless I can get it through the state, I won't be able to afford it.

[ForeverDad]

Is this supervised status and schedule expected not to change?  Is there some "hopeful" schedule where it will ramp up if he meets certain criteria or can he file to increase his time with them?

I too agree that the only communication with him, if any, is only what the court outcome allows and limited to parenting matters only, details of your life - and you Moving On in your life - ought to be outside the scope of these visits.  But that's in a perfect world, but even so, don't worry overmuch.

[Frozenimages]

If I remember the paperwork correctly, he has to to the visitation this way for a year straight.  If he can do the visits this way. I believe he gets more time after a year.

[Frozenimages]

I did something that I don't know if I should of done.  I told my youngest son the truth about his bio dad and what he's done.  Not everything, but enough to let him know that he isn't to be trusted and not to tell him anything about our lives or talk about the people close to us.  It led to my son asking me if his dad ever hit me.  I said yes.

It really tears at me that I had to have this type of conversation with my son. But I felt like I was lying the whole time to him.  I am scared that even with supervised visits, my son will let slip some valuable information that will led to my ex being able to find me and stalk me or even worse.  I didn't have this conversation with my oldest son, because he remembers a lot and doesn't want to see him.

I know the judge granted supervised visits, but I still feel that it will never be in the best interest of my son.

[I Am Redeemed]

You have a protective order that is in place for years, correct?

I would reiterate that to the visitation supervisor so they can intervene in conversations that might consist of your ex fishing for information that he might use to find you.

In the event that he does, report any suspicious activity on his part. That could mean he violated the protection order.

I think it’s ok that you explained certain details to your son. I’ve had to do this with my own children. It’s sad that we have to do this, but it’s necessary because children won’t understand why the visitation has to be supervised if they don’t know at least six of what took place.

[Frozenimages]

I have a lifetime PO and the boys are covered until they are 18.

I am glad that you told you kids about it.  It was super hard after the visit where S7 was so excited he got to see his dad and wanted to stay with him.  I tried so hard to explain why he couldn't in ways he would understand.  Having my ex back into the kids lives has cause severe disruption already and it's only been one visit.

On the way home, S7 kept talking about how his dad wouldn't do anything to hurt him, said he was being so nice and that he misses him.  I had to try to hard not to burst out the truth with an emotional response.  I feel like I am going crazy all over again. My ex is playing the good guy role because he's being etched like a hawk and I know the truth of this act.  I know it's all manipulation to get the kids to warm up to him so he can eventually push for unsupervised visits.  The only way that will ever happen is if the court over rules my request to not allow it.

[I Am Redeemed]

It’s hard for young children to understand the concerns of the adults protecting them because they only see the face value of their situation.

Once, we ran into my ex in a local store. This was the first contact I had had with him since the divorce. I was really hoping that day would never come so I didn’t have to deal with it. But it did, and after that my ex started having phone conversations with S7 because the divorce papers said I had to allow it. We had no grounds for a protective order then because my ex had not done anything current to warrant a continuation of the original one-year PO.

A few months later, S7 asked if I remembered seeing his dad at the store. I said I did, and he said “but nothing bad happened”.

His counselor and I had explained that we felt that it was not safe for him to see his dad because of some problems his dad had. He thought since nothing bad immediately happened upon seeing his dad, that it should be safe now.

I had to explain further to all my kids that there was a time when their father did things that were harmful, such as hurting me and doing things that put them in danger, and that is why I was protecting them by not letting them around their dad.

It’s tough because we want to protect them from knowing the details of the brutal truth. But children will come to their own conclusions without necessary details, sometimes even blaming themselves for the situation. It’s better to be honest in as age-appropriate a way as possible than to let them wonder and draw their own conclusions. Children who have experienced traumatic events also can have magical thinking and they may believe that the other parent will change their behavior if only the child is good enough or lovable enough.

I had to take care to explain that some people have a mental illness, just like having a physical illness, and that sometimes this can lead to the person acting in ways that can be harmful to others and so that means the contact we have with them has to be carefully considered and done in a way that keeps us safe.

I don’t think S7 fully understands, but it helped him to know that just because something bad didn’t immediately happen doesn’t mean it was completely safe to see his dad without another safe adult there, and that the problem wasn’t with him.

If you don’t have a counselor for your kids, see if you can get advice from the supervision agency on talking to them. I would also contact the local DV shelter and see if they provide free counseling for families affected by DV.