wife had breakdown and involved the kids for the first time

[Notwendy]

I read that book as a parent to a teenager. Another one I liked is this one: Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall: A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager,

One of the tasks of being a teen ager is to differentiate themselves from their parents, especially the same sex parent. Teens don't know who they are yet, but they know they are not their parent, so they go through a phase where they dislike anything about their parent. This was very scary for me, as I didn't want my child to feel the same way about me that I felt about my BPD mother and so the "normal" dislike was upsetting until I realized this wasn't the same situation as with my mother.

This takes a lot of emotional maturity and rationalization on the parent's part. It does hurt your feelings when your teen ager tells you they don't want to be seen with you at the mall. It's also a phase that should end once the teen has matured and is more comfortable with who they are. However, if a disordered parent is enmeshed with them, then the process of differentiating is difficult. Also if the child is too afraid of upsetting the parent if they disagree. I finally realized it was because of a secure relationship that my teens could assert themselves, within boundaries of course. Teens need some space and strong boundaries. This may be lacking in a parent with BPD.

Adolescence can be a challenging time for even the best of parents and well behaved kids. Understandable that it's also challenging when a parent has BPD.

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[jaded7]

she would never in a million years consider it an act of selflessness.  to my knowledge, nothing i have ever done has been considered an act of selflessness.  she always thinks i'm somehow playing an angle or scheming against her.  
 

THIS.

You cannot know what their interpretation of events will be, and even in the most selfless and thoughtful actions/offers my ex would 'tell' me what my intentions were, and they were BAD. Very bad. Never good. Never my actual good intentions to help, assist, do something nice.

I have no doubt in this situation you would have then been punished in some way for ruining the weekend if you were home...because you were 'mad' that you two couldn't go (which would not be true), or even you 'ruined' the chance for you both to go (untrue), or you don't make enough money for you both to go, or..., or...

It's this story-telling quality that I first brought up with her, early in our relationship. I told her "you seem to have stories about me that aren't true, then you react to those stories." This is long before I knew anything about bpd or cptsd.

Naturally I would explain my intentions, which then would be me 'making excuses' and 'I don't want to hear your excuses!'. To something I didn't do.

Baffling.

[Smedley Butler]

You cannot know what their interpretation of events will be, and even in the most selfless and thoughtful actions/offers my ex would 'tell' me what my intentions were, and they were BAD. Very bad. Never good. Never my actual good intentions to help, assist, do something nice.

I have no doubt in this situation you would have then been punished in some way for ruining the weekend if you were home...because you were 'mad' that you two couldn't go (which would not be true), or even you 'ruined' the chance for you both to go (untrue), or you don't make enough money for you both to go, or..., or...

oh MAN.  this is so accurate.  we know a thing or two 'cause we've seen a thing or two, huh?

she will never assume altruism or neutrality when she can assume malice.