Not sure how to handle this. I know I need better boundaries but I get worn down

[Blurr]

This happened 2 months back, and while it isn't the biggest fight we've had by any stretch, it is one of the ones that made me think maybe there is something different going on in our relationship. I guess I am just looking for validation that this was some sort of manipulation and that I wasn't being a total jerk to my wife as she said. I want to improve things, but she can go on and on so long that eventually I break down and am somehow apologizing for things that don't make sense to me.

I (40m) recently helped my parents pick up a trampoline for my nieces/nephews. It was going to be about 2 hours total including driving, and my mom was going to make burritos for anybody who came. I brought it up a few days ahead of time and while my wife(37f) was annoyed it was happening in the middle of the day, she accepted me helping as we didn't have any other plans.

As the time to leave approached she started getting upset. She complained that she would be hungry because I was leaving right at lunch time. I suggested various items in the house, but she turned them all down. I reminded her that she could just come with me and have a burrito as well. She said no, it would be too awkward to go because she couldn't help moving the trampoline (twisted ankle).

I asked her to please let me know what food she wants, and I'll get it, or get ingredients from the store. She still didn't know what she wanted and told me to figure it out. Finally, she said she wanted... a burrito. I suggested she have a snack and I'd just bring back a burrito for her. I was told this is unacceptable because she didn't want to wait 2 hours to eat.

Time now running short I foolishly said she is being unreasonable and is an adult woman who can handle her own lunch situation if no options I suggested work. She started crying and telling me I was putting everybody else's needs above hers. Fine, whatever, I'll go buy ingredients and make a burrito. I grumpily headed to store to buy burrito ingredients. She immediately started texting saying there's no need for me to do that and asking why I'm making her feel so bad.

I came back and cooked up a chicken burrito for her. Of course, she didn't want it, she felt too bad that I had called her unreasonable. I practically begged her to eat it and put it next to her on the table. An hour later texts start coming in saying she is getting a headache from hunger implying it is my fault. She again says I am putting everybody's needs ahead of hers. Being a knight in shining armor to the world but not to my partner. (These 2 hours were the only time we spent apart the whole weekend). I arrived home with some leftover burrito 20 minutes later than originally expected. She was upset with me and ignored me the rest of the afternoon aside from saying that I should have thought of going to Moe's and bought her a burrito rather than making her one, as if I was stupid for not thinking of that and the occasional comment about how a better partner wouldn't have made her seem like the crazy one for just wanting a burrito. In the morning it was all sunshine and butterflies. I tried bringing it up again in case she'd just been hangry or something, but it was turned back on me and I think I eventually was apologizing for not being better at validating her emotions.

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[Smedley Butler]

I believe I would have just left it at "you are an adult human who can figure out your own lunch situation" and left it at that.  I would have ignored all follow-on accusations and guilt tripping.  I definitely would NOT have made her a burrito or even gone to pick something up for her unless there was zero food in the house and she was physically incapable of driving. 

Sounds like you went above and beyond what could be reasonably expected.  Just my two cents.

[Pricklypickle]

Hi blurr,

You must remember that the complaints of a person with BPD never end, because they do not originate from your behavior towards them or any other external circumstances, but from the dissatisfaction they have within themselves. That is something that will not change on a short time frame (ie, less than a few years of therapy).

You inflicted unnecessary pain on yourself because you believed that the fact that your wife is upset means that her complaints are valid.

Some of us have a very hard time enforcing boundaries on loved ones. Perhaps it will become easier for you when you realize that your wife's criticism or you is a result of her illness and not a result of your shortcomings, and that if she were to continue treating you this way your entire life, then this marriage is not something that deserves to be in your life. Perhaps then, when you are no longer bothered by the risk of losing your wife if you don't cater to her every unreasonable request, then you will be able to put some boundaries in place, regain your existence as a human being, and in turn, also gain more power in bettering your marriage.

[livednlearned]

I am just looking for validation that this was some sort of manipulation and that I wasn't being a total jerk to my wife as she said.

Manipulation, meaning an adaptation developed in childhood, when it solved a problem successfully, and grew into a persistent part of her personality, where it no longer serves its function and in fact seriously impedes her ability to form stable relationships.

Like Pricklypickly wrote, the fact your wife is upset does mean her complaints are valid.

Before you leave she begins to get upset (fear of abandonment).

For her this is a challenging feeling to express because it requires a sense of self to recognize that the self is not there. Your leaving simply draws attention to a feeling she experiences as near chronic because the abandonment is one of her abandoning herself.

You are the closest person so it must be you generating this feeling and you agree the problem exists outside her so therefore the fix must also be out there too.

It's hard to not jump through hoops if you were trained to do that.

You: "You know I'd love for you to come with me if you want, and we can have burritos there. And you know I'll bring one home if you'd prefer. Just let me know."

Her: Those aren't the answers I want. Now I'm mad about how you answered. You're a jerk. You didn't read my mind. I want choice F, you're mean to me. You never think about me."

You: "I'm leaving in 10 min if you want to come with me."

Her: "How can I go with you when my ankle is broken in 45 places and you're so mean to me."

You: "I'm putting my stuff in the car. Want to come with me?"

Her: "You hate me and I hate you. I won't be here when you get back."

You: "I'm heading out, I love you. I'll bring a burrito back for you, I know how much you love them."

Her: "Don't even bother. I'll be gone by then."

You: "I love you, I'll text you when I get there."

Staying in your lane is just as much about managing your own irritation and resentment. It won't fix or cure her reactions, which are now hard-wired.

Too much rescuing or fixing or pandering can also send a message that you agree she is incapable. Then she gets mad about that on top of the heap of things she's mad about.

[Blurr]

That really makes sense, it is so hard in the moment to sidestep my natural urge to treat the stated problem as an actual problem we can work together to solve, like I would in any other relationship I've had.

I think where I run into a self-defeating snag is that when I try this sort of approach, she will circle back to it over and over saying how awful I was to leave her in such a "dysregulated state". I try to let it slide off my back, but eventually it does get to me, and I find myself just jumping through the hoops the next time because that's easier in the moment. I have had some success in techniques I picked up over the last month from books like Walking on Eggshells and this board especially, but it is so, so tiring.