It's That Time of Year Too Many Flying Monkeys Trying to Find Out My Plans

[zachira]

I own a modest summer cottage. A lot of my disordered relatives have homes nearby. Every time there is a big family gathering, I get contacted by the flying monkeys to find out if I am going to be around. Previously I wrote about a family member trying to force me to rent my cottage to them during a Celebration of Life later in the summer and how mad the family member was when I refused. Now Fourth of July weekend is coming, and I am being contacted as usual by the flying monkeys as several family gatherings are planned including my NPD sister's annual big birthday party. Nobody else in the large extended family has a birthday party like this, and different relatives plan it. My sister is one of many golden children and I am one of many scapegoats in the large extended family.
This year the flying monkeys are really too much! I have had several people I usually do not hear from send me emails wanting to know if I am going to be around this weekend, the ones from family members signed with "love (their name"). It is all about if I am going to be around and how to help my NPD sister feel freer to do whatever she is going to do. I am not telling anybody my plans. I have blocked on my phone one of the flying monkeys who usually calls me and I am letting my phone go to voicemail.
I do not go around trying to find out what my sister is doing. My sister has been running a smear campaign against me for most of my life. It is never good for me for her to know anything about my life. I believe I am the only person to ever stand up to her and win, including my legal battle with her. I think she will never get over this, and make trouble for me as long as she is alive. She is a very unhappy person. I am at peace with myself most of the time, a big change that has come about after I finally put an end to allowing my sister and her flying monkeys to abuse me.
I am sleeping well at night and I am feeling at peace for most of the day. It is hard being the target of so many flying monkeys, yet I am doing well. I am following my most important boundary in giving as little information about my life as possible to everyone in the summer community.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Zachira,

I am so very grateful to read your post today. Your ability to keep in your lane, keep your boundaries and especially to keep your peace of mind through those all those baits is an inspiration for me. Thank you for sharing.

[Methuen]

Zachira, you have done the right thing to not reply to these people.  On mommydocs thread I spoke about having a metaphorical boundary around our physical life space - our community- and outside this boundary prowls the lion , grizzly bear or your flying monkey.  Your boundary is not interacting with the toxic relatives.  You kept the flying monkey on the outside.  It would not be logical to break your own boundary and let the predator in to attack you. 

This is clear progress, and shows you have the fortitude to resist the manipulations and emotional push-pulls. 

Good gor you for exiting from the dysfunction.

[GaGrl]

Zachira, way to go!

I'm just curious...did you change the locks to your cottage? I remember someone had a key and an excuse to let herself into the cottage.

[Mommydoc]

Thanks for always setting such a clear example Zachira. We have so many similarities with our sisters!  Methuen’s imagery around boundaries was so helpful to me, in not giving in, and it sounds like you are doing a great job with your boundaries with the flying monkeys. 

My therapist has suggested that I also use a “distancing” image to allow myself to reconcile boundaries with my values. So, it is fine if our sisters want to celebrate and it is wonderful that there are others who can be part of it, but we have to maintain a safe distance from it. We can wish them well, even have kind or positive thoughts, but we have to avoid getting pulled in their drama triangle. Maybe like an allergy, no matter how much someone loves shellfish, if they know they are highly allergic, they won’t partake. Others can but be have to maintain a safe distance from it. Recognizing that our own personal safety and mental well being are at risk, makes it easier to stand strong and  not allow ourselves to get pulled in.

One of the lessons I am grateful for and have learned from you Zachira, is around self awareness. You are very good at recognizing and articulating how you feel in response to your sister, flying monkeys and others in your life, and have an uncanny strength to be able to separate your feelings from others actions. I see it here. Thank you so much for modeling that consistently on this forum. You make it almost seem reflexive, and yet it’s really hard! We all learn so much from your example. It inspires me consistently. Thank you.

My sister is trying to use my mothers upcoming bday to plan some sort of celebration (I think, since she only sent texts and never actually sent an email with the urgent moms bday message, )  . Truth is I am going to celebrate with my mom early, and not be here on her actual bday. I feel good about it but am no longer sharing any of my plans with my sister. It has been repeatedly backfiring when I did so in recent months. The same thing is going to play out, she will keep texting me, I won’t see them because she is blocked, then she will end up finally emailing me, and won’t like my answer. If she happens to be here when I am here, it’s fine, but I am not adjusting my plans or boundary to meet her needs. You are firmly there already with your sister and the flying monkeys. I know you will maintain your boundary, so it helps me stay firm with mine. They will move on to something (Hopefully someone) else eventually. Happy 4th all!

[Notwendy]

Way to go! I keep any plans or personal info to myself.  I also know the Flying Monkeys are informants for BPD mother so anything I share with them would get back to her.

[livednlearned]

I never tire hearing of these wins. It takes so much effort and concentration and consistency and commitment and certainty to hold these boundaries. To do this with so many family members must take extraordinary strength. I admire you so much Zachira, like others have said you're an inspiration. These are hard journeys.

Something I'm learning is that these actions (holding boundaries) are hard to do when the so-called train wreck hasn't even happened. You can see the train wreck but they can't, so they don't understand why such resistance or force must exist. For them, the train wreck is actually a bullet train reaching its destination. Why would anyone stop them? Makes no sense to bullies.

I want to also say I know it hurts to exist outside a family. My FOO is not large like yours so I have to imagine that it took a tremendous amount of healing to feel better about being outside the family than in.

Sometimes I wonder whether my family loves me or likes me and I get confused. But a few days ago it was my son's birthday -- their firstborn grandchild, their only grandson -- and no one sent a card. No one texted him. Yesterday was my uBPD brother's oldest daughter's birthday, a day after S22. They sent a picture of all them sitting in front of the cake, smiling. It really did a number on me. Yet none of them have changed, they are all whirling around in those same dynamics that set me up for a BPD marriage to someone genuinely dangerous. I think back to my court appearances, how the judge started to have two bailiffs instead of one when it was our turn. These are the moments that remind me that no amount of abuse is worth being included in a birthday photo with FOO.

I hope you have plans to do something wonderful for yourself and put your needs front and center when the crew gathers in your summer community. 

[zachira]

Riv3rWOlf
I like your expression about keeping in my own lane. I struggle with trying to change/fix people. I have had to recognize that while constructive criticism has helped me to become a separate decent person from my family, disordered people become extremely defensive with any feedback that is not what they want to hear.

[zachira]

Methuen
Yes, it makes no sense to ignore my own boundaries, and let the predators attack me. I do not regularly seek validation like I used to from people who have no capacity to validate me. In my large extended family, the narcissistic people put the golden children and the family on a pedestal, no matter how badly the revered members behave. I often hear/read online family members talking about what a great exceptional family we are, and nothing could be further from the truth. It seems that the predators know deep down inside that they really don't like themselves, and when faced with their true feelings, they attack the family scapegoats. If the scapegoats are not around, than the disordered family members have to find new targets.

[zachira]

GaGrl
Yes, I did change the locks to the cottage. You have a good memory.

[zachira]

Mommydoc
I am going to keep in mind what you have said about how some people cannot eat shellfish while others can. I see the disordered people in my large extended family, as people whose identities are so tied up in maintaining their place in the family by enabling the dysfunction that any family member trying to change how they interact with the family is extremely threatening to everybody directly participating in the system. It is as if they are allergic to healthy relationships and they will be unless they do the kind of hard work so many members are doing here on self reflecting and setting healthy boundaries.
I like your plans for your mother's birthday. Lots of respect for accepting your sister will never change and for setting the boundaries you have with her while keeping your mother out of it. I did my best to not involve my mother in my problems with my siblings before she died, and sadly mom figured it out, as I could not visit her because of my siblings. I am glad your mother is in a facility which allows both you and your sister to see her when you desire and to be able to each see your mother on your own.

[zachira]

Notwendy
You have been an example to many members here in not sharing personal information with your mother and the flying monkeys.

[zachira]

Livednlearned,
Yes, it takes a train wreck to realize we can no longer allow ourselves to be around our disordered families when we are a target for their dysregulated emotions and are a family scapegoat. The train wreck came for me when I realized I had to hire a lawyer to protect myself against my sister. It was extremely costly and I am living on a limited income. I felt like I was going to die, if I did not stand up for myself and I think I might have.
You understand what is is like to be a family scapegoat. My heart hurts for you when you describe how your son's birthday was ignored by the family and how you got a card with the family celebrating your niece's birthday. So tone deaf! I often wonder how nobody notices that my sister is the only person in the family who has a yearly family birthday party since childhood organized by different family members, yet nobody else gets one. Like you, I am relieved to not be attending the birthday party. I just dislike the constant attempts to contact me, to find out if I am around, and if they will have to do the birthday party at a more remote location.
Yes, it hurts to not be a part of the family and it hurts a thousand times more to be a part of the family and to be a scapegoat.

[zachira]

I had an amazing Fourth of July! I was invited to a party by a long time friend who has adolescent children. I was the oldest person there! Many of the guests were at the party with their children. It was an extremely joyous evening for me; it felt somewhat like a celebration of my ability to finally surround myself with people I enjoy and who genuinely enjoy me and other people, especially the parents who enjoy their own children.
The week of the Fourth of July was a little hard in the beginning as I really hate all the people (especially the new ones) my sister recruits to contact me to find out if I am going to be around for her yearly birthday party. Apparently the plan is to take the party to a more remote location if there is any chance I might appear. I contacted two of the innocent new flying monkeys and I asked them not to share any information about me. I did not respond to their requests to tell me when I would be around, The two responded positively that they would not share with anybody my plans, and they have nothing to share as I did not give them any information. I like both of these people, and I did not want to ignore their emails. After my sister's birthday party, I did not get any more emails asking about when I was going to be around.
I have a few great friends these days. It really feels good to be able to choose who I can be myself with most of the time, and to be able to distance myself from undesirable people without becoming more upset than any normal person would be by being disrespected and mistreated. Most of all, I am happy and feeling peaceful most of the time. I do have my moments though, and will continue to do so, as the family will never give up on targeting me, and unfortunately I cannot go fully no contact.
Thank you for your support and responses! I have responded to each one of you separately above.

[GaGrl]

GaGrl
Yes, I did change the locks to the cottage. You have a good memory.

I remembered because I thought it was especially egregious that this person thought she had the right to let herself into the cottage -- or that your sister implied it was okay.

[zachira]

Just heard from one of the worst flying monkeys who has repeatedly abused me. The flying monkey included me in a group email which surprised me. I privately thanked the flying monkey as I was genuinely glad to receive the info sent. I validated the valid while at the same time know that when I see this person I will keep the contact as limited as possible. My reasoning is it makes sense to be genuinely nice when I can, so there will be less antagonism towards me, while knowing I want to basically grey rock the flying monkeys as much as possible. I cannot go fully no contact with the flying monkeys, though low contact and healthy boundaries are forever. I certainly do not want to be obsessed with getting revenge, as I could never lower myself to do the things my disordered family members and the flying monkeys do. It is not who I am.