Mom pretends that she doesnt know about my SA

[almalma]

Hi, everyone   
This is my first post. I've started to write it many times, but I've gotten overwhelmed, triggered and discouraged. But here I am, again. Hopefully this time I pressed "Post". Hopefully my post makes sense to read. There's so much to unload. I feel unsure about sharing any of this as my mothers voice in my head tells me that I'm lying and being dramatic, but here goes nothing.

My family situation is complex to say the least. The past few years I've been a target of escalating abuse mainly by my mother (age 71) and older sister (age 42). Both have very strong cluster b traits and they have a habit of ganging up against me. Neither have been diagnosed with a PD.

I have significant trauma from childhood due to family scapegoating. I was also SA'd sadistically by a male "friend" at age 18. When it happened I had no one to go to for support. I never thought that I had a right to go to the police so I was forced to push it out of my mind and go on with my life. I remember how scared and alone I felt. My world was so cold and I repressed the pain until it caught up with me suddenly when I turned 34. I crashed emotionally and physically and I could no longer escape the past or unsee the family dysfunction. The abuse literally made me sick.

During the crash I made the mistake of telling my mother about the assault I had experienced. Her response sickens me to my core. She insists that I have never told her anything - even though I know that I did tell her TWICE (to refresh her memory after the first time she "forgot" that I told her). She still insists that she does not remember. She told me that she has an excellent memory and she would surely remember if I ever told her something significant. So, in a way she is admitting to knowing/remembering, but is refusing to validate me. I can't bring the issue up with her again because I'm afraid she will cause me more pain. I feel like I'm losing my mind about it. To add to my pain my sister told me (yelled) that she does not care about my "f*****g trauma".

The experience of the assault was soul crushing by itself, but my spirit feels crushed by what they said to me. They have made me feel worthless and I have myself started to doubt my overall worth as a human being. I even doubt if the assault ever happened. I have a hard time having faith in the future and I can't imagine ever moving on or someday getting away from the situation OR to gain any distance from my family. I feel stuck and hopeless as I write this today. Why would they say things like this? How can anyone be so cruel? These are the questions I obsess over and over on daily basis and I get no answers.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share <3

[Methuen]

Hi almalma,  

I am sorry for your suffering and for you doubting yourself.  

Do not doubt yourself.  

Many of us on here also see a counselor/therapist.  You don’t mention this, so I’m speculating you’ve never sought this support.  Counselling helps us to feel validated, but also to get “unstuck” and be able to move forward with supports. We go to a doctor for help when we have physical ailments but it’s also important to deal with the trauma and emotional struggles. This forum is amazing, but a multi pronged approach is also a good idea.

When you told your mom about the sexual assault, she made it about her by saying you had never told her before.  She acted like the hurt one, and then attacked and blamed you because she was hurting.  She’s the center of the universe. That’s the PD.  They don’t have the capacity for empathy.  And a BPD parent is really a child trapped inside an adult body.  They simply don’t have the skills to help us.

They say things to make us doubt ourselves.  I have secretly recorded my mom during a rage, just so I would have evidence and not doubt myself, and also to use with my counselor.  

Your mom isn’t going to change.  We have all gone through a stage of wanting a mother who loves us and supports us unconditionally.  As long as we want that, we also want them to change.  This means we JADE, and they react terribly to jading. 

Have you heard of radical acceptance, or checked out the links at the top of the Parent, Sibling, In-law page?  The knowledge and strategies there are what I’ve used to help get unstuck and slowly move forward.

It can get better than it is now.  You can do this, and we’re here to cheer you on in support.  

[lm1109]

Hi Almalma! Welcome to the board... I haven't posted in a while but I checked back on the board today because I was feeling very emotionally lonely and tired today. Your post resonated so very deeply. Our stories are very similar... you're not alone in the pain or the shock of the "awakening" to the severity of abuse and manipulation.

I was raped when I was a teenager and I  was also sexually assaulted in other ways as well during my teen years. After the rape .. I didn't tell anyone. I knew that I didn't have a safe adult... I knew that my npd/bpd mother would make it about her and find a way to use the information to hurt me later. When I met my husband at just 18 years old... I was a hot mess. I didn't want to lose my husband so I finally felt safe enough to tell someone (my husband) about the rape.. I got help in the form of therapy and medication. Along the path in my healing I also told my brother and my mom that it had happened. My Mom made it about her, of course, and she DID also ultimately use it to hurt me later...to make a long story short(okay reading this back...not so short)...

A little over two years ago my Mom pulled an abusive stunt and I, with the help of my counselor at the time, wrote an email stating my boundaries, like my refusal to be the target of her rage. I told her I didn't deserve to be treated the way she treats me and I told her that no one else in my life sees me the way she does, etc. I also set the boundary that for a time I would only be communicating to both of my parents through email or text. The raging happened over the phone(at that time I was LC) I told them that while I know I can't force anyone to go get help for our families trauma... I will not continue a relationship unless they learned to stop being abusive towards me. I also admitted that I need more help as well and that we ALL needed to show up differently for one another. Well .. my Mom's mask fully fell... because to her my email indicated abandonment, so she came out with her wounded npd/bpd guns swinging. There was ZERO accountability, outright lies, manipulation, and COMPLETE scapegoating. It was the first time I had it all in writing...like you said about doubting yourself. It was there in black and white and it was absolutely disgusting. She completely denied that she ever called me and was suicidal...she did TWICE...it's in my therapy records... I couldn't sleep a full night for months! My C-PTSD was in fully triggered mode! My brother (only sibling) killed himself...so you can imagine I took the threats to heart and was retraumatized and to her...it never happened! I still haven't worked through the anger fully. Especially since my Dad sided with her even though I had a conversation after the second time where I cried and begged him to take the loaded gun out of her nightstand. I begged him to stand with me in getting her help...but he refused...my whole life...he just wasn't and never will be strong enough to stand up to her...even if it ultimately kills her. He gave me a disgusting speal that went something like this:
Dad: " guns don't kill people...people kill people...and if someone wanted to kill themselves they could do that with a car, or anything! She's an adult and I'm not going to take her means of protection away from her"

Me: "This is not a gun control debate. This is about her being mentally ill, suicidal, and having a loaded gun in her nightstand. My brother shot himself. All it takes is one second of being out of your mind...she is out of her mind...what don't you understand about that!"

Dad:*changes subject to scapegoat me as the "problem"

Me:"If she ever threatens suicide to me again I will have her committed and take legal action about her gun"

After this .. I had to walk back into my house and push my fear and pain down and pretend to be okay as I took care of TWO babies under 3 and a five year old!

Years of therapy later...it never happened in their narcissistic world. The worst of the scapegoating, however, came in the form of weaponizing my rape. She told me that ALL of the family problems are my fault and the reason I am so messed up is because of my rape. Therefore... I was the only one who needed help and the only help she needs is in dealing with ME... in that moment I realized that my brother and I had been scapegoated my whole life. My family trees are filled with addicts, abusers, suicides, and mental illness for generations. There was much much more abuse in the email also...but that was the nail in the coffin. She had fully let her mask fall and I had it in black and white...she could never lie or gaslight it away. I will always have her refusal to change saved in my inbox. I (nor my kids) have heard from them in over two years. They stopped sending my kids cards for holidays, etc. They CHOSE to live on an island of two in complete chaos and completely miserable(they act like they hate each other as well) for the rest of their lives. They have no friends or family. It has been really brutal having to integrate the many many many childhood and young adult wounds...but it stopped there...they no longer abuse me. I keep healing and getting better each day(with backslides of course) I grieve and get sad but I also feel intense joy and gratitude. I just keep trying to be better and better for my kids, husband, friends, family and finally myself...little me and teenage me...she deserves the love most. I'm mothering her right alongside my kids(one of which is now a teenager) I keep getting help, keep admitting when I mess up, I  say sorry, and I unconditionally love. Some days I'm completely drained...so I admit that, even to my kids, and I rest of I do restorative yoga, meditate/pray and read... LOTS of reading has been crucial to my healing. Other days I feel overwhelmed by the love I have in my life and by how much better I'm doing. I feel content so much more than I ever felt was possible for myself...that's enough...those small moments of contentment add up to a pretty beautiful life. Or as a favorite author calls it "brutifal" since life seems to be equally brutal and beautiful when we learn to feel it all. I wish that for you too! Some here can do this with LC or boundaries and some go NC. There is definitely no one size fits all...so the best advice I can offer is to put your emotional self first for a period of time. If you need a break from abuse...take it...you deserve it. Maybe even just a few days, a week, a month, etc...however long it takes to regulate your nervous system before allowing more hurt or resentment to pile up. I found out that there was no prize at the end for enduring my mother's abuse and my father's neglect...no daughter of the year award...in fact I was told that I was already the worst daughter...soo no matter what I do I get that title ... So I may as well put myself first.

Your abuse was real. You matter. Your feelings matter. You're not alone! Keep posting and getting it out and on the page. Also...keep reading...there is so much wisdom here! Sending you support 

[zachira]

Your post totally makes sense to read, and we believe every word of it. There is hope and you can feel better. The first step is to face that you can no longer tolerate the abuses which is what you are doing. I am very low contact with a large extended abusive family and one of six generations of scapegoats. You are welcome to post here as often as you would like, sharing the difficult moments and when things are getting better. Sending you a hug!

[lm1109]

To add to my pain my sister told me (yelled) that she does not care about my "f*****g trauma".

The experience of the assault was soul crushing by itself, but my spirit feels crushed by what they said to me. They have made me feel worthless and I have myself started to doubt my overall worth as a human being. I even doubt if the assault ever happened. I have a hard time having faith in the future and I can't imagine ever moving on or someday getting away from the situation OR to gain any distance from my family. I feel stuck and hopeless as I write this today. Why would they say things like this? How can anyone be so cruel? These are the questions I obsess over and over on daily basis and I get no answers.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share <3

I meant to address this part of your post but ended up forgetting once my post turned into a rant  **I've also found that writing and journaling are amazing tools to work through and integrate abusive experiences!

I wanted to mention Al-Anon to you. I do have an alcoholic father, however, Al-Anon is not just for family of addicts. Having a FOO with someone with a PD like npd and bpd create co-dependancy and caretakers just the same. We actually have to LEARN how to even acknowledge our own needs...let alone take care of ourselves. I'm just really beginning this 12 step chapter of healing myself...but so many of us are in need of a healthy support system. You can even do zoom meetings if you're more comfortable opening up that way rather than in person. I don't think it's for everyone but I think it's a great tool to get support and learn to untangle ourselves and our emotions from sick or invalidating people! 

[almalma]

Apparently, I'm also having difficulties in working out how to use this platform. Please ignore the random replies 

[almalma]

Your post totally makes sense to read, and we believe every word of it. There is hope and you can feel better. The first step is to face that you can no longer tolerate the abuses which is what you are doing. I am very low contact with a large extended abusive family and one of six generations of scapegoats. You are welcome to post here as often as you would like, sharing the difficult moments and when things are getting better. Sending you a hug!

zachira, thank you for your words of encouragement. They mean so much to me I feel relieved now that I finally shared here and I feel less alone while trying to make sense of it all. Scapegoating is a cruel form of abuse. I'm sorry that you had to go through it as well. I think only those who go through it themselves can really know how damaging it is. I've also started to map out a family tree and identified a few scapegoats like me. Many things that have been confusing to me before started to suddenly make sense! It's like breaking through to a different reality once you identify the patterns.

[almalma]

  lm1109!

Maybe there was some force at work when you came to check the board after a long time 

I'm glad I posted and I do feel less alone. Sounds like you've had terrible and frustrating encounters with your mother and father! I'm sorry that someone thought they were entitled to violate you and I'm sorry that the people who are supposed to protect you from harm chose to re-traumatize you. Also, I am so so so sorry about your brother.. It must be overwhelming to process grief while dealing with chaos and drama.

It's truly crazy-making to talk with people who refuse to listen.. Having your experiences, reality and feelings validated by others is vital in recovering from any kind of trauma. It gets so much harder if someone denies it all and refuses to show any empathy. It is dehumanizing and the anger feels overwhelming, I know. For me it sometimes feels like I'm about to burst or just go mad. In the past I've kept the anger in and because of that I have suffered from severe migraines. After I started being honest about the abuse and minimized contact with my family, I felt a relief pain-wise. Only afterwards I read that suppressed anger can cause so many physical symptoms. I've started to journal about my angry feelings and at this point of my healing my journal is full of expletives and rants. I'm allowing myself to purge it out without shame. I remind myself that my journals are only for my eyes and that I'm allowed to be pissed. I've also done a lot of reading and for the past 3-4 years I've been practicing meditation. I feel like I'm getting to know myself better through it and I can calm myself better when I feel triggered.

You are breaking the cycle by being there for your children and also for the teenage version of yourself! I'm happy to hear that you have a loving husband and you had the courage to confide in him about the rape. And WELL DONE for confronting your mother and setting boundaries to protect yourself. I know it's not easy and you can never totally be prepared for the toxic responses they tend to have. But you did it anyway. After the mask falls, we have to accept their true nature and we can't unsee it ever again. Sometimes I wish I'd kept quiet, but then I remember how it feels to not have a voice at all. Every time I've tried to talk with my mother I been called aggressive and made out to be the bad guy.

My father has been under my mothers thumb for decades and he has not protected me even though my mother is abusive towards him as well. He doesn't see it as such and he sticks with her. I suppose it's also safer for him that way. Like you, I have also begged my father (crying my eyes out like a baby) to see the truth. I've pleaded for his help, but he's not willing/able to see the truth.The last time I tried to communicate with him, he laughed at me. I was shocked, but not surprised. I finally saw him for what he has always been. I know my parents were both abused as children, but I do think that they chose to pay it forward to the next generation.

My mother used to scold me for just about anything. I now know that she was projecting her self-loathing and shame onto me. Knowing doesn't make it easier though. It makes me sad and angry that I thought I needed to change to make her happy. My mother never believed that I was being honest. She accused me of things and refused to listen if I tried to defend myself. To this day, I need to remind myself that I'm not lying all the time. I've had to keep everything inside for a long time and it amazes me that for nearly two decades I was telling myself that the rape never happened. I was in therapy in my mid-twenties and I never even told my therapist. I was shut down, dissociated and ashamed. I've also felt that I have to protect my mom even though she failed to protect me when I needed her the most.
I'm trying to unlearn the things I was taught and I try to remind myself every day that there are good people in the world. The desolation I felt at "home" with my family was the norm for me as far as human connections go and I just went on with life never knowing what it means to be loved and cared for. It's not my reality anymore.
It's crushing to come to terms with family scapegoating and the fact that our families hurt us. What's even harder for me to admit is that I never questioned being treated like that. I've been trying hard to make amends for all the "terrible things" my family said I've done. So, no wonder I became a doormat. But maybe the one positive side of being the family scapegoat is that we know what it's like to be bullied and terrorized for just existing- so we are determined to never treat others the same way and to never become like the ones who abused us. The scapegoating led to me not having self love and never learning to assert myself or defend my rights.
Some days are very hard and I feel like nothing has changed for the better. That's why I like the term "brutifal". I recently read Pete Walkers book on C-PTSD and he says that without all the so-called "negative" feelings and emotions we are unable to feel true happiness and love. It's a beautiful thing to feel fully, or to live a brutiful life
I have decided to remain LC with my family because even minor contact derails me emotionally for days. I hope that eventually I do feel safe enough to go NC and make big changes in my life.
Baby steps. There's so much to share and this was just the tip of the iceberg. I appreciate your reply and that you have taken the time to share your story with me. You and your feelings also matter. The abuse you have endured was and IS real. Sending you lots of hugs!  

[almalma]

  Methuen

You are right, my mom is not going to change. I think when I told her about the assault I was trying one last time to get her to "see" me and care for me. It failed miserably, but now I know for sure. She is not who she sometimes appears to be. Day by day I'm getting closer to fully accepting her for who she is but it's a struggle. It takes every piece of strength that I have to protect myself and I'm exhausted. She seems to be able to hurt me without really even trying. Even staying silent is effective in hurting me. Usually, if I'm off guard with her, she strikes and she does not apologize to me. And it goes on and on. So, it's a cycle. But I've stopped reacting to her in my usual ways and things are now eerily quiet with her. She has not reached out to me since the last drama and I'm not waiting for her to do so. For me that's a big step, but it still hurts. I feel like I have been responsible for making amends with her since I was a kid, but I can't do that anymore. Like you said, they are immature and my mom is no exception. She doesn't talk things through and doesn't like to "feel her feelings" - not to mention other peoples feelings.

So, with her in my life I'm left to feel a deep sense of sadness for not having a mother and also for her not having me. I know it's not my job to take care of her, but there are days when I just really need a mom who I can call and talk to (like you describe). Only way to have my mom in my life is to do things her way. I'm able to snap out of that thought loop by reminding myself that I never had a mom in the first place. Then the feeling turns into a different kind of sadness. I suppose it's slowly turning into grief.

I need to look into JADE. Maybe it'll provide me with tools to distance myself emotionally while dealing with my mom.

But I will not doubt myself anymore when it comes to my reality. Thank you!