Suggestions Needed For Finding Therapist Specializing In BPD loved ones

[TelHill]

Hello,

I haven't posted in a while. To let you know, my elderly mother was diagnosed with bpd 10 years ago. She's had it all my life though.

I have seen a therapist for almost two years who told me she had experience with family members of those with BPD.   I told her I have trouble trusting people and making friends. I have lots of acquaintances. My mom forbid from having friends growing up.

Things have not gotten better but worse despite doing my best in therapy.  I'm still self-isolating quite a bit.  I have a very hard time with housekeeping since this was a way my mom shamed and ridiculed me. That's gotten much worse in the last year.

I thought she may not really know BPD through some things she has said.  Recently I was at my parents house and had planned a rare an overnight stay. I'd scheduled a virtual therapy session there. The therapist lives nearby and suggested I see her in person. She suggested I tell my parents I was seeing a friend. I told her my mother would start raging if I said that or even by leaving the house if it wasn't for shopping.

The therapist told me she never heard of something like that and had no idea that's how it was. I was taken aback. I told her many times about my mom's problems with me having friends. I said haven't you listened to anything I said or my issues making friendships?  The therapist ignored what I had said.

I feel so disappointed and feel angry with myself for sticking with this therapist.  Does anyone have suggestions on how to know a therapist can help you? I truly feel stupid.
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Edited to add I had a difficult long term marriage to a man with strong NPD/BPD tendencies. I divorced him and he passed away a few years later.  She helped me with that. I think I'm too agreeable at times and swing back to being angry. I am very low contact with my mom. Am older and should know better. I feel like I'm back at square one.

[Methuen]

Hi Telhill.  I am not sure where you live.  Where I live, there is a regulation body that registered counsellors belong to.  I wouldn’t see a counsellor that isnt registered with a professional association.

You could probably google something like “professional counsellors associations “ or “registered clinical counsellors association “ .  Once you have the names of professional organizations, they list registered members.  Where I live, each one has a little online blurb where they also list their areas of interest, and the modalities they like to use .  I’m also searching for a new T right now, and this is how I’m going about it.  I’ve narrowed it down from 500 to 7. I eliminated all the ones that didn’t specifically list “borderline” on their page.

Many of them will offer a free 10 min or 20 min consult, so you can both get an idea if it would be a good fit. 

Maybe it’s different where you live, but I would start your research on the internet if you don’t have a way of finding someone another way.

Don’t beat yourself up over it.  Just acknowledge that if you had a feeling earlier that something wasn’t right, then your intuition was right and you can learn to trust your intuition even if you’re not comfortable trusting other people.  It’s ok.

I’ve been without a T for a few months now.  It’s a process to find a new one.  Keep at it.  We’ll get there.

[zachira]

Welcome back! I remember you.
I finally found the right fit with my last therapist after going through a couple of therapists who helped me yet were not quite right for me. One of my main requirements when interviewing for a therapist the last time I did, was I wanted a therapist who was happily married, had healthy relationships with her children, was successful in her career, and was not too young. Sometimes the therapists who understand BPD are ones who come from a family with BPD, and they are still working on their own problems. I have avoidant attachment and wanted a therapist who had healthy relationships. A previous therapist came from a narcissistic family like I do, and I found some of the transference not to be a good fit.
What do you want in a therapist? You might think about looking for someone who is knowledgeable about personality disorders in general while being sure that the therapist is capable of having healthy relationships. It sounds like your last therapist has no clue with what was said to you that felt so badly to you. I would think a healthy therapist would notice your feelings and try to repair the therapeutic alliance. Repairing challenges in communication are a major part of sustaining a healthy relationship with anyone. I tell my friends we are not friends until we have had a disagreement, and see if we can handle not seeing eye to eye on everything.   

[GaGrl]

My experience has been similar to Methuen's...the blurb available on each counselors bio should list their areas of expertise. BPD should be listed specifically.

You also might want to prepare several standard questions for initial interviews...

Have you encountered family systems where (the BPD) presented one way to the public and another behind closed doors? Did this include rages, emotional abuse, verbal abuse?

[TelHill]

Thank you all for the suggestions!  notwendy, I believe I'm still operating from shame (& wanting to be liked; it's so painful to live with the fact your own mother will never show you much love) when it comes from many areas of my life, including getting therapy. Not that anyone should have to go through 500 names but it makes me feel better that it takes some effort.  btw, I'm in the US, in California. People here usually consult the Psychology Today therapist finder for a list of names in a geographic area.

Zachira, I remember you, too! Those tips are good ones. I never thought of eliminating those with a so-so relationship with children. My therapist seems exasperated with her adult child.  This child is a therapist also and has a young family.

GaGirl, yes, that's my mom. She would be very quiet in public and appeared mentally balanced. However, she isolated herself and never had friends. She would rebuff any neighborhood mom who tried.   My father was always putting a good spin on our family (denial), ignoring my mother's rages/cruelty towards and ignoring my needs.  I was the scapegoat.