Lost with 2 small children and a BPD mother

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So, the children of my mother has BPD.  When I first met her she was strung out on meth, had recently gotten off of heroine and had a family that only enabled and never really supported her.  I helped her get off of the meth and get clean for the first time in 6 years.  During this process I fell madly in love with her - I'd never been in love prior to that and always just thought I was broken in the love department.  She claimed she was in love with me and expressed interest in getting married.  Our first child was conceived about 6 months after I met her and was planned.  I should also point out that there's a large age gap between she and I.  I'm 49 and she's 24. 

A month into the pregnancy she had a meltdown in the local grocery store where she started hitting me, throwing merchandise and knocking over displays.  She was asked to leave and then once we were back into the car she repeated kept trying to jump out of the moving car or grab the steering wheel in an attempt to run us off the road - while on the freeway.  Whatever was going on eventually stopped and we talked.  I never got a clear explanation about what was going on and I didn't understand the depths of her illnesses at the time.  Plus she denied them as being misdiagnosed because of drug use.

A few days later she pretty much disappeared all while telling me I wasn't the father of the baby and that she never loved me.  She went back to the same family that had always abused and enabled her.  They were no help to me because she had convinced them that I was this horrible abusive monster.  Plus they have some weird family loyalty focused on the bonds of blood all while ignoring all the sexual abuse.

A few months later I tried writing her a letter to reconnect some and find out what was going on with our baby.  Her uncle had advised in me to give her some space and reach out after a period of time.  That's what I did.  About a week later she filed a order of protection against me.  This is how I found out that she'd left the state altogether and was living with the same uncle again.  This uncle is a huge problem.  He helped her mother keep her from her father all while standing by and allowing her mother to abuse and neglect her.  He lived with them for most of her childhood.

This stated a nearly year long legal battle to be in the life of my son and to try and protect him.  For her part in the battle she claimed that our child was a product of rape, that I was a domestic abuser and that I had been the source of her drug problems for the entire  6 years she was addicted to meth - I've never been involved with meth and had only known her for about a year by that point.

Once I was able to get the OOP quashed, she and I were free to communicate again.  Things stayed very tense but eventually I was able to convince her to start seeing a family therapist with me.  I pursued this for our son's sake because even at 7 months, he was being impacted deeply by what was going on with us.  Further, he barely knew me as I was forced into supervised visits for 12 hours a month where I had to fly to the state that she'd fled to. 

Family therapy eventually let to us reconciling fully some 10 months later.  Shortly thereafter our second child was planned and conceived.  During family therapy I had been led to believe that she didn't have BPD, that is was a misdiagnosis because of the drug use and even our therapist suggested she saw no sign of a personality disorder in my partner.  So, I spent the second pregnancy thinking she was fine but also walking around on eggshells terrified something would happen that would cause her to leave again.  I'm now realizing that this walking on eggshells pretty much defined our entire time together and not just the pregnancy.

Our second child was born in April of 2022.  It was really hard on all 4 of us.  We were getting little sleep and everyday was defined by just surviving the day inorder to get the kids down and try to get some rest.  It wasn't easy, but I thought we were doing ok because she would tell me daily just how much she loved our family.

In August of 2022, when our baby was 4 months old, she stopped breastfeeding because she wanted the ability to drink and go out without limitation.  I tried to be supportive all while missing the signs that things were turning for her.  From August to December her drinking increased more and more while she seemed to be making the family less of a priority.  She got involved in a NSFW group on discord and this let to her being seduced and cheating on me - she'd tell you she hadn't cheated because 4 days before she told me she wanted to take a break - to focus on her. 

A week after this, pictures of her and this guy postcoitus and naked poped up on our kitchen Alexa screen while our 3 year old was sitting next to me on the counter.  This was how I found out she was cheating. I later found out that evening by going through her Discord conversations that she'd been discussing taking the kids to move into this 19 year old boys apartment who she'd known for less than 2 weeks with no consideration of what that meant for our boys or me.   She'd also had another violent episode on Thanksgiving.  Not as bad as the car incident, but still really scary that involved trying to tug-o-war pull our baby from my arms by his feet which had she actually done, his skulled would have cracked into the floor or nearby furniture. 

She never came home again after this.  Initially, after finding the picture and other related details, I asked her not to come home for a couple of days until we could see our family therapist.  I was scared of what she and this guy were going to do.  I asked her to stay with a specific friend of hers for the time being.  She chose to move in with the guy she'd cheated with.  This was the middle of December last year.

I tried to get her to go to see our family therapist with me because I was concerned she was having some sort of an episode.  Also, just the month prior, we finally had a psych eval done where drug use could not be looked at as a factor by her.  BPD was confirmed again along with bipolar, ptsd, adhd, alcoholism, meth addiction, heroine addiction along with a few other minor things.   

Family therapy was a waste of time.  Instead every session was about blaming me and that I was the reason she cheated.  She claimed that she never loved me, never wanted to be with me and only got back with me because of our first son.  These were all in stark contrast to all the things she'd told me after we'd gotten back together.  Our family therapist didn't help much.  She just kind of sat back and watched with little to no input.  I understand that she was worried about not pushing her or betraying her trust.  Meanwhile I was screaming inside for her to tell her the truth of her actions since I was the only one telling her the truth of what she was doing but I couldn't be believed because I was devalued.

About a month after leaving home the guy she got with threw her away and she admitted that he'd just used her.  Initially I'd hoped this would help my family.  Instead, she just maintained the same line that I was this horrible monster that she could never be with. 

If not for the kids, the minute she cheated I would have just walked away.  Especially with all the horrible lies that were being said to me and factoring in that everyday of our relationship I had to convince her I wasn't or would never cheat on her.  But, we have two beautiful children that were suffering tremendously because of all of this.  Because of her past actions and my fears, I refused to let her be with the boys alone.  This began this months long ordeal where I had to supervise her time with the kids everyday so as to not be accused of keeping the kids from her and so my boys got to see their mama.  Our oldest knew something was off with his mom as he was frequently asking me "why mama mad" or "why mama change." 

So, I continued to push that we go to family therapy even though we were making no progress and her treatment of me was getting worse.  She half heartedly agreed to not get lawyers involved as long as we kept going to see our family therapist.  Our family therapist had helped us reconcile the first time and for the kids sake, I was hoping she could do that again. 

I was also trying to avoid another legal battle.  The first one decimated my life savings and we'd been struggling financially since the birth of our second.  So, when all this started I was broke with only $300 to my name.  I couldn't afford an attorney and she has an uncle with deep pockets that would rather pay for lawyer instead of admitting any psychological problems on his side of the family and getting her real help.  I ran into the same issue when trying to help her get clean.  He wouldn't pay for rehab but he sure was willing to pay for her lawyers during the first custody battle as well. 

3 months after leaving home she hired an attorney.  This forced me to take a modest loan against my home and hire a lawyer within a matter of days.  I'd written our original settlement agreement for the first case and put in language for mandatory mediation or else the other party had to pay all legal fees.  I wish I'd understood this illness more when I wrote it so I could have included more protections for me and the boys while considering this possibility.  I honestly never thought, while I was writing it, that I would ever be going through almost the same exact thing again.
 
Lawyers know almost nothing about BPD other than some offhand comments and shared experiences.  But, I tried to heed his advice and be agreeable to mediation.  He told me we couldn't do supervised visits because she would just fake it for a couple of visits and then she'd be off the hook.  He suggested instead a Guardian Ad Litem (GAL) explaining that their job was to investigate both parents fully to make a determination as to which parent was more fit.  This seemed perfect and ideal, but I forgot just how good she lies and manipulates people.  I spent 4 hours telling our GAL everything.  By the end of it, she was really worried about her and the boys.  A week later, she spent an hour or less with the GAL and the GAL was convinced that this was just a bad break up nothing more, and I was the cause.

In the last two weeks she's gotten mildly violent with me in front of the children twice now.  From my experience, it's this sort of mild aggression that is the precursor to one of her truly intense violent eruptions.  I truly am terrified what this means for the boys since she now gets them alone because of our mediation - alone but under the same roof as the uncle. My lawyer is no longer making any effort on my case because I have no more money to give him.  Our GAL is not really looking at her as a problem but rather, has been convinced by her that I'm the monster that she has to worry about.  She's even turned all of our parent friends against me with her lies of domestic and sexual abuse.  All things I've never done and could never imagine doing to another person, let alone her. Yes I still love her and can't seem to shut that off no matter the horrible things she does.  But, I'm now completely alone. I have no family of my own for support and she is systematically turning anyone that we know mutually together against me.  Right now I'm just absolutely terrified for my two children.  They don't deserve this and I feel that if only she would admit that her illness is real, we might be able to find some way back from this mess or at a minimum, she' be able to see how she's hurting the boys and make changes for them.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  I sit her in a pool of anxiety when the boys are gone and then when they are home it's a whole new pool of anxiety wondering how to keep them safe, at home and protected from all the truly awful things she's done and is still doing. 

   

[Trying2bagooddad]

So, the children of my mother has BPD.  When I first met her she was strung out on meth, had recently gotten off of heroine and had a family that only enabled and never really supported her.  I helped her get off of the meth and get clean for the first time in 6 years.  During this process I fell madly in love with her - I'd never been in love prior to that and always just thought I was broken in the love department.  She claimed she was in love with me and expressed interest in getting married.  Our first child was conceived about 6 months after I met her and was planned.  I should also point out that there's a large age gap between she and I.  I'm 49 and she's 24. 

A month into the pregnancy she had a meltdown in the local grocery store where she started hitting me, throwing merchandise and knocking over displays.  She was asked to leave and then once we were back into the car she repeated kept trying to jump out of the moving car or grab the steering wheel in an attempt to run us off the road - while on the freeway.  Whatever was going on eventually stopped and we talked.  I never got a clear explanation about what was going on and I didn't understand the depths of her illnesses at the time.  Plus she denied them as being misdiagnosed because of drug use.

A few days later she pretty much disappeared all while telling me I wasn't the father of the baby and that she never loved me.  She went back to the same family that had always abused and enabled her.  They were no help to me because she had convinced them that I was this horrible abusive monster.  Plus they have some weird family loyalty focused on the bonds of blood all while ignoring all the sexual abuse.

A few months later I tried writing her a letter to reconnect some and find out what was going on with our baby.  Her uncle had advised in me to give her some space and reach out after a period of time.  That's what I did.  About a week later she filed a order of protection against me.  This is how I found out that she'd left the state altogether and was living with the same uncle again.  This uncle is a huge problem.  He helped her mother keep her from her father all while standing by and allowing her mother to abuse and neglect her.  He lived with them for most of her childhood.

This stated a nearly year long legal battle to be in the life of my son and to try and protect him.  For her part in the battle she claimed that our child was a product of rape, that I was a domestic abuser and that I had been the source of her drug problems for the entire  6 years she was addicted to meth - I've never been involved with meth and had only known her for about a year by that point.

Once I was able to get the OOP quashed, she and I were free to communicate again.  Things stayed very tense but eventually I was able to convince her to start seeing a family therapist with me.  I pursued this for our son's sake because even at 7 months, he was being impacted deeply by what was going on with us.  Further, he barely knew me as I was forced into supervised visits for 12 hours a month where I had to fly to the state that she'd fled to. 

Family therapy eventually let to us reconciling fully some 10 months later.  Shortly thereafter our second child was planned and conceived.  During family therapy I had been led to believe that she didn't have BPD, that is was a misdiagnosis because of the drug use and even our therapist suggested she saw no sign of a personality disorder in my partner.  So, I spent the second pregnancy thinking she was fine but also walking around on eggshells terrified something would happen that would cause her to leave again.  I'm now realizing that this walking on eggshells pretty much defined our entire time together and not just the pregnancy.

Our second child was born in April of 2022.  It was really hard on all 4 of us.  We were getting little sleep and everyday was defined by just surviving the day inorder to get the kids down and try to get some rest.  It wasn't easy, but I thought we were doing ok because she would tell me daily just how much she loved our family.

In August of 2022, when our baby was 4 months old, she stopped breastfeeding because she wanted the ability to drink and go out without limitation.  I tried to be supportive all while missing the signs that things were turning for her.  From August to December her drinking increased more and more while she seemed to be making the family less of a priority.  She got involved in a NSFW group on discord and this let to her being seduced and cheating on me - she'd tell you she hadn't cheated because 4 days before she told me she wanted to take a break - to focus on her. 

A week after this, pictures of her and this guy postcoitus and naked poped up on our kitchen Alexa screen while our 3 year old was sitting next to me on the counter.  This was how I found out she was cheating. I later found out that evening by going through her Discord conversations that she'd been discussing taking the kids to move into this 19 year old boys apartment who she'd known for less than 2 weeks with no consideration of what that meant for our boys or me.   She'd also had another violent episode on Thanksgiving.  Not as bad as the car incident, but still really scary that involved trying to tug-o-war pull our baby from my arms by his feet which had she actually done, his skulled would have cracked into the floor or nearby furniture. 

She never came home again after this.  Initially, after finding the picture and other related details, I asked her not to come home for a couple of days until we could see our family therapist.  I was scared of what she and this guy were going to do.  I asked her to stay with a specific friend of hers for the time being.  She chose to move in with the guy she'd cheated with.  This was the middle of December last year.

I tried to get her to go to see our family therapist with me because I was concerned she was having some sort of an episode.  Also, just the month prior, we finally had a psych eval done where drug use could not be looked at as a factor by her.  BPD was confirmed again along with bipolar, ptsd, adhd, alcoholism, meth addiction, heroine addiction along with a few other minor things.   

Family therapy was a waste of time.  Instead every session was about blaming me and that I was the reason she cheated.  She claimed that she never loved me, never wanted to be with me and only got back with me because of our first son.  These were all in stark contrast to all the things she'd told me after we'd gotten back together.  Our family therapist didn't help much.  She just kind of sat back and watched with little to no input.  I understand that she was worried about not pushing her or betraying her trust.  Meanwhile I was screaming inside for her to tell her the truth of her actions since I was the only one telling her the truth of what she was doing but I couldn't be believed because I was devalued.

About a month after leaving home the guy she got with threw her away and she admitted that he'd just used her.  Initially I'd hoped this would help my family.  Instead, she just maintained the same line that I was this horrible monster that she could never be with. 

If not for the kids, the minute she cheated I would have just walked away.  Especially with all the horrible lies that were being said to me and factoring in that everyday of our relationship I had to convince her I wasn't or would never cheat on her.  But, we have two beautiful children that were suffering tremendously because of all of this.  Because of her past actions and my fears, I refused to let her be with the boys alone.  This began this months long ordeal where I had to supervise her time with the kids everyday so as to not be accused of keeping the kids from her and so my boys got to see their mama.  Our oldest knew something was off with his mom as he was frequently asking me "why mama mad" or "why mama change." 

So, I continued to push that we go to family therapy even though we were making no progress and her treatment of me was getting worse.  She half heartedly agreed to not get lawyers involved as long as we kept going to see our family therapist.  Our family therapist had helped us reconcile the first time and for the kids sake, I was hoping she could do that again. 

I was also trying to avoid another legal battle.  The first one decimated my life savings and we'd been struggling financially since the birth of our second.  So, when all this started I was broke with only $300 to my name.  I couldn't afford an attorney and she has an uncle with deep pockets that would rather pay for lawyer instead of admitting any psychological problems on his side of the family and getting her real help.  I ran into the same issue when trying to help her get clean.  He wouldn't pay for rehab but he sure was willing to pay for her lawyers during the first custody battle as well. 

3 months after leaving home she hired an attorney.  This forced me to take a modest loan against my home and hire a lawyer within a matter of days.  I'd written our original settlement agreement for the first case and put in language for mandatory mediation or else the other party had to pay all legal fees.  I wish I'd understood this illness more when I wrote it so I could have included more protections for me and the boys while considering this possibility.  I honestly never thought, while I was writing it, that I would ever be going through almost the same exact thing again.
 
Lawyers know almost nothing about BPD other than some offhand comments and shared experiences.  But, I tried to heed his advice and be agreeable to mediation.  He told me we couldn't do supervised visits because she would just fake it for a couple of visits and then she'd be off the hook.  He suggested instead a Guardian Ad Litem (GAL) explaining that their job was to investigate both parents fully to make a determination as to which parent was more fit.  This seemed perfect and ideal, but I forgot just how good she lies and manipulates people.  I spent 4 hours telling our GAL everything.  By the end of it, she was really worried about her and the boys.  A week later, she spent an hour or less with the GAL and the GAL was convinced that this was just a bad break up nothing more, and I was the cause.

In the last two weeks she's gotten mildly violent with me in front of the children twice now.  From my experience, it's this sort of mild aggression that is the precursor to one of her truly intense violent eruptions.  I truly am terrified what this means for the boys since she now gets them alone because of our mediation - alone but under the same roof as the uncle. My lawyer is no longer making any effort on my case because I have no more money to give him.  Our GAL is not really looking at her as a problem but rather, has been convinced by her that I'm the monster that she has to worry about.  She's even turned all of our parent friends against me with her lies of domestic and sexual abuse.  All things I've never done and could never imagine doing to another person, let alone her. Yes I still love her and can't seem to shut that off no matter the horrible things she does.  But, I'm now completely alone. I have no family of my own for support and she is systematically turning anyone that we know mutually together against me.  Right now I'm just absolutely terrified for my two children.  They don't deserve this and I feel that if only she would admit that her illness is real, we might be able to find some way back from this mess or at a minimum, she' be able to see how she's hurting the boys and make changes for them.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  I sit her in a pool of anxiety when the boys are gone and then when they are home it's a whole new pool of anxiety wondering how to keep them safe, at home and protected from all the truly awful things she's done and is still doing. 

   

[ForeverDad]

Sadly, you can't fix her.  You may be able to reduce the conflict and flying monkeys for a while at this distressing time but it won't last, just as before.  You'll have to Let Go of your love for her and focus on what is left as being important in a practical way... yourself and your children.

You can't most effectively advocate for your children if you don't take care of yourself.  Protecting your children starts with protecting your own parenting ability.  I often comment here that when I first came here I had struggled for years to save my marriage.  But my ex too had refused therapy.  It reached the point where she was contemplating disappearing with my preschooler and claimed I'd never find her.  Whether she would actually do that, who knows?  But I was faced with a dilemma, how could I preserve my parenting?  That too should be your focus, take care of yourself both emotionally and legally so that you can continue to parent as best you can.

Gather and preserve all your documentation of the facts.  In this approaching legal struggle you need to counter her compelling emotional claims with solid facts of the reality.

Do you have the results of her psychological testing?  In some written form?  This would be helpful to some extent, better than claims flying back and forth, but be aware that just because someone is documented with mental illness the court may not view a person's mental status as necessarily impacting the person's ability to parent.  This is where the documented poor behavior patterns take on more meaning in a legal scenario, whether defending oneself from abuse allegations or ending the adult relationship.

Returning to describing my failing marriage, I didn't perceive a way to salvage the relationship for a consistently positive future together.  The ups and downs of the roller coaster of our marriage was still heading downward.  So we separated and in time filed for divorce.  I had to (1) protect myself from unsubstantiated allegations and (2) protect my parenting future.

Yes, this will be difficult to accomplish.  Many here have "been there, done that".  Take advantage of our peer support site's collective wisdom and its time tested strategies and resources.

A question... has she only made allegations of DV but not claims of child abuse?  Beware that she may later add claims of child abuse.  Ponder how best to use that to your advantage if she hasn't yet done that.  Often when the first allegations are disproved then new expanded ones will follow.

[Trying2bagooddad]

@Foreverdad. There have been no claims of child abuse as of yet.  I think she's tried to imply or entrap me with some questioning in one of her emails.  But, outside of that, nothing yet. 

[healthfreedom4s]

Trying2bagooddad,
Background: Married to uBPDw for 15+ years, have 2 kids in elementary school, living separately for 1.5 years, filed for divorce 8 months back.
I relate to your situation very closely on 2 things 1) I have struggled to let go off the relationship. Being conflict avoidant, thinking being together is good for the kids etc.. made it difficult for me to let go off the relationship. I am slowly getting there - that divorce is the best way forward. I am getting firmer on the divorce while she is doing back-and-forth now (while she initiated the divorce). 2) I have felt (and feel) very sad and cried thinking of my kids. They see all of the conflict, her dysregulation etc.. It breaks my heart.
It is a difficult learning and growth process. I am hopeful that I will come out of this strong and make things better for my kids. I want you to give you the same hope - and the support that I understand what you are going thru and how you feel.

[Trying2bagooddad]

@healthfreedom4s  Thank you.