Hi usagi and welcome
so much of your story sounds so familiar, so you're in the right place to get some support and tools with your challenging relationship.
It is very common to read here other members' stories that sound just like this:
But recently, I've tried to hold to a boundary I've struggled to maintain. She's out of town with her son and mother. She had been asking me if I would attend an event that would keep me from seeing her for a bit longer (half day?) when she gets back in town and it is too much for her to handle. Additionally, this activity of mine has always been a source of friction. I feel like I need to hold this boundary because it's something that I feel is part of my identity. I've already cut back on how often I attend since moving in with her. Even that seems to be not enough. I want to try to maintain our relationship but I'm afraid that she can't accommodate my needs.
I'm wracked with guilt and feeling that I should just abandon this activity just to please her. But the rational side of me knows that it will just lead to her stepping over more of my boundaries and possibly lead to me losing my identity.
I'll be seeing her in a couple days and I'm not sure how to talk with her about this. I'm assuming she'll continue with her argument that I'm choosing this over my family. But I don't see it that way. From what I've read I should definitely recognize her painful emotions and not minimize them. At the same time, I feel I need to hold to my boundary and my decision to attend the event. I'm afraid that she'll just kick me out of the house and that will be that.
In a "generally normal" relationship, one partner making a one-time concession to the other partner would be appreciated, and would be seen as a one-time thing.
With a pwBPD (person with BPD), however, "generally normal" relational approaches aren't always effective, and can sometimes make the dynamic worse, just like your rational mind is suspecting.
People with BPD struggle with "all or nothing" thinking especially when it comes to relationships. It seems difficult for them to realize that there isn't a finite amount of love to go around. You can love your family and love doing an activity, and it isn't "stealing" family love to do the activity. The "love pie" doesn't stay a static size; it isn't "robbing" love from one person or area when you love more.
But
explaining that doesn't help, as BPD isn't a disorder of "lack of awareness" where if you just explained it more or better, your loved one would finally understand.
So, the responsibility generally is on the non-BPD partner to learn more tools and skills specifically for these high-conflict, non-standard relationships -- and the tools and skills are often non-intuitive. We have to be "emotional leaders" that have firm and loving boundaries, inviting the pwBPD to follow our solid emotional paths but leaving the door open for them to make their own choices.
That's a challenging stance to have when you fear losing a relationship.
...
My first thought is that based on my own experience, some pwBPD are a lot of talk and little followthrough.
A "generally normal" person would probably not threaten, suggest, or imply kicking a partner out unless that person meant to do it.
A pwBPD may say all kinds of really intense, heightened things, not to communicate a factual plan (like a normal person might), but as emotional expression. The "trap" is that we approach the things the pwBPD says as factual communication, and make decisions off of those statements.
It's normal to fear that if a partner has somehow communicated "I'll kick you out if you go to the event", that the partner will actually do that. She may, though, have communicated that as "emotional venting" vs "this is my real and rational plan". That doesn't make it okay, and long term you'll have some decisions to make about if you want that in your relationship, but short term one way to approach those kinds of outbursts could be:
while it would be sad if she followed through on kicking you out, you accept that you have no control over what she says or does, and you plan to live your life regardless.
She could still threaten to kick you out even if you didn't go, right?
It may take a lot of inner strength to maintain You in this relationship, and only you can decide what you are up for.
You can also decide if what she's saying is true -- is it really true that you are choosing your event over your family? It isn't, though, like you said, she doesn't see it that way. You can decide to make choices based on what's true, versus based on her perceptions. It is stepping out on a limb, yet it allows you to be the "emotional leader", modeling healthy balance and individuation in the relationship.
...
So, trying to tie that in to your specific situation, there might be two levels you're working on.
One would be private and internal, where you decide what you want rationally, work out your own explanations for yourself internally, and decide privately what you'll do. Involving a pwBPD in a process of explanation, making arguments for something, justifying something, etc, typically isn't very effective (I think I linked to our thread on
Don't J.A.D.E. above).
The other would be what you say to her, which could look like (one of many examples):
"Babe, I'll be at event XYZ from 6:00-11:00, then I'll be looking forward to seeing you at home. What would you like to do together after I get home at 11:00?"
You make a statement about what you'll be doing (not an explanation or justification), and you invite her to share time together. You don't try to convince her to be okay with it, try to justify why it isn't a big deal, etc. Kind of like you're thinking -- you try to recognize some of her emotions without giving up your self.
The hardest part for you may be navigating the fear that she will follow through on her threat to kick you out, and you may feel like you "caused her" to do that, and "if only you had made one compromise", she wouldn't have done it. If that's true for you -- if that is maybe your core fear -- we can work through that here.
...
Lots of food for thought, so I'll wrap it up here. Glad you found us -- keep us posted on your story.
-kells76
