What does a normal, healthy relationship feel like after a BPD relationship?

[TheRedLion]

So this past relationship was my first ever. That fact probably made me more susceptible to be abused/manipulated/gaslit, and less aware of the projection/blame shifting. Now, as I'm recovering from the abuse that I've endured, I'm realizing how atypical this relationship really was. I'm looking around and seeing my friends shocked at my descriptions of what has happened. I'm still very, very far away from getting into a romantic relationship. I need extensive therapy, lots of time and support, and stability to recover.

One of the things I fear is that, eventually, in my next relationship, I may initially be overly defensive to protect myself from the perceived abuse that's "coming". I'm worried that I'll be suspicious of the normalcy, and be disappointed by the lack of extreme highs.

So, what does a normal, healthy relationship feel like after an abusive one with a BPD partner? How long did it take for you to trust? Did you miss the extreme highs? Were you suspicious of the lack of extreme lows? Was the grey unsettling? If any, what stories do you have that might be relevant to these questions?

[UnbalancedForce]

First date was at about 5 months. Let's just say they were the OPPOSITE of my ex. Started to get touchy feely and I clammed up! Thought I was going to hurt them. So far they are being an excellent friend and we are going very slow. Yes, no toxic fireworks. More like a little candle flame that is growing. I can tell you I got my boundaries set, I know what I want, but I am really scared I am going to hurt them. Confidence definitely will take a while as I am nowhere close to who I used to be yet.

[Mutt]

Hey TheRedLion,

So, what does a normal, healthy relationship feel like after an abusive one with a BPD partner?

I was thinking about my exuBPDw the other day and the difference with my current r/s. I don't experience long dysregulated episodes but I've also learned from my ex that I was a trigger. I've used the lessons that I've learned here into the next r/s.

There's still conflict in a healthier r/s, with time the periods where there us conflict us shorter and further apart. At least thats what Dr Jordan Peterson advises ( I'm not there yet thats years into a r/s )

How long did it take for you to trust?

I was hyper vigilant during my healing and it took time to trust. I was going out on dates and I was seeing someone briefly before meeting my fiancé. It took time and a few dates until I felt like I trusted my myself and the other person.

Did you miss the extreme highs?

I didn't miss it at all. After my break up with my exuBPDw and coparenting our kids together a goal was to have a tranquil house with a routine that I still carry on to this day. Peace and quiet is what I strive for.

I just wanted a less dramatic and chaotic house to raise my kids and a house for them to be an emotional safety net for them from spending their time with their mom.

Were you suspicious of the lack of extreme lows?

No I wasn't because this time I had picked up the skills that I learned from this forum. Before whereas I had no boundaries or floating boundaries now I have boundaries and they protect you.

Also I've been separated from my exuBPDw for 10 years and divorced for 8. This September will be 6 years that I've been with my fiancée and we moved in together about 14 months or so now.

That may not be normal by today's standards, she is from a different culture than mine and I respect that. We took a long time to get to know each other and we weren't in a rush to move in together etc. There were no surprises when we started to live together.

Was the grey unsettling?

Can you rephrase that?