Requesting feedback for navigating conflict with sister who has BPD

[chironic]

Dear BPDFamily Message Board,

It's been over a year since my sister, who was diagnosed with BPD when hospitalized after her second suicide attempt (and almost dying in my arms...), deeply harmed me after I confided in her about being hurt by someone who I thought was a friend of mine. I won't go into detail about the situation between me and the person who I thought was a friend (long story short: it involves this person showing prejudice toward the marginalized aspects of my identity), but I will say that my sister sided with this person in ways that she emphasized she knew would hurt me... and when I told her that it did, indeed, hurt me, my sister became victimized, rageful, and emotionally manipulative by shifting the focus to how she has always supported me in the past and was upset with me for being hurt because she had good intentions and "didn't want" to hurt me. She blasted me with long angry texts defending herself and why she believes she did nothing wrong... and said she was sorry at the end of these texts, which came across to me like insincerity because from my perspective a sincere apology must acknowledge wrongdoing whereas my sister appeared to be trying to convince me that she did nothing wrong but was still somehow allegedly sorry. My mom also ended up siding with my sister by communicating the same messages (e.g., your sister has always supported you!), which deepened the harm on my end.

Shortly after this conflict erupted between my sister, one of her (very few) friends called me because he was concerned about my sister returning to an abusive boyfriend. I was very upset with her at this time and vented to this friend of hers, which I regret doing and know was not appropriate. This friend let my sister know about what I said, which deepened the harm between us.

I had a panic attack on Christmas of that year and left my parents house (where she still lives and has never moved out from) to stay with friends, at which point my sister texted me saying that it was painful for her to hear me sobbing but that she had been taking psychiatric medication in order to stop herself from killing herself because of what I had said to her friend. I responded by saying I was not in a good enough place to talk about this but that someday we would talk though it.

It's been over a year since this happened and we still haven't talked about what happened. Time and space have helped me get distance from the pain of what happened, and my sister and I slowly began talking more, but still haven't directly addressed what happened. On my birthday she wrote in a card that she knew we still needed to clear the air and that she still wanted to be my pen pal (I am currently living away from my hometown for school); recently in her birthday card I acknowledged that we will hadn't cleared the air but that I was sorry for hurting her. She hugged me and said, "I'm sorry too," which felt great to hear. However, the deeper pain of what happened still lingers as betrayal and I find that I am stuck in a conflict between wanting to address how she harmed me and continuing to remain distant from her.

I do not feel capable of trusting my sister until I know that she understands the mistakes she made in that situation and commits to not doing it again. I want to write her a letter explaining what harmed me and why it harmed me... but I am concerned that her response will involve more rageful aggression, victimization, and gaslighting. I cannot afford to deal with that kind of response from her but also value our relationship and want to move forward. I've been avoiding her after coming across like I had moved forward from what happened and I'm sure she notices it, which I feel sad and guilty about.

I love my sister and am also frankly afraid of her rage and capacity to be emotionally abusive. I am also afraid of her apparent unwillingness to be accountable for her mistakes. I don't feel safe being honest and direct with her, but am not sure whether this has more to do with my own trauma or the actual situation.

It's probably worth noting that my sister puts me on a pedestal and in fact mentioned this as part of defending herself (I think it was her way of saying she admires me?). I actually hate being on a pedestal (it's lonely up there and a long way to fall down...) and wish we could have a more egalitarian relationship because it seems to me that being put on a pedestal is part of what triggers her rage whenever I am disappointed in or upset with her, so I find that I am adapting to this unhealthy dynamic by fawning, suppressing my concerns, and surrendering my needs for safety, which isn't working for me. I feel truly stuck in this situation because it seems like I have to choose between fawning to prevent my sister from becoming emotionally abusive at the expense of abandoning myself or standing up for my needs by defending myself at the expense of being pulled into drama and subjected to emotional abuse.

I am thus asking for any feedback you might have regarding how best to approach this situation. I really don't know what to do and want to release the tension. Ideally I'd like to have a good enough relationship with my sister, but the only way I can get there is by standing up for myself, which seems like something that would prevent the relationship from becoming good enough because of how she responded the last time I let her know that she had hurt me.

Is it better to keep a distance for my own safety, or is it worth it to try to compassionately confront her about how she harmed me? If I do confront her, it would be via a handwritten letter, and I would appreciate feedback about what to say and/or how to say it to reduce the likelihood of making things worse. I realize that I am not responsible for her responses or reactions, but also acknowledge that it is very difficult for me to not be pulled into a horrible place whenever she acts out after I try to hold her accountable for harmful behaviors. Withdrawing and avoiding also doesn't feel good, however, which is how I am stuck.

Thank you for your time and effort spent reading this. I appreciate any feedback you might have.

[livednlearned]

That had to be quite traumatic to see your sister in that state of mind. I'm so sorry you had to go through that, and imagine much of the trauma from that experience must linger. Were you able to get any support for your own experience?

I do not feel capable of trusting my sister until I know that she understands the mistakes she made in that situation and commits to not doing it again.

It might sound strange to say this, but I try not to take it personally that I can't trust my pwBPD. Does that make sense?

Untreated BPD means she doesn't really have a sense of self to trust, so I can't expect her to be trustworthy. Mostly she does what she can to survive the moment, and that puts her needs first, always. That's not someone I can trust. Knowing that makes it easier for me to check myself. It's up to me to decide what I share and don't. The boundaries are mine. They're for me. They can't guarantee her behavior, they can only make it less likely she will harm me.

I want to write her a letter explaining what harmed me and why it harmed me... but I am concerned that her response will involve more rageful aggression, victimization, and gaslighting.

It sounds like you have good instincts and know how she's likely to respond.

I love my sister and am also frankly afraid of her rage and capacity to be emotionally abusive. I am also afraid of her apparent unwillingness to be accountable for her mistakes. I don't feel safe being honest and direct with her, but am not sure whether this has more to do with my own trauma or the actual situation.

Could it be both?

One challenge with BPD is that you experience emotional abuse and want validation from her, except her needs for validation are greater. She will have very little to no capacity to validate you given the kind of emotional firestorm and arrested development she lives with daily.

I feel truly stuck in this situation because it seems like I have to choose between fawning to prevent my sister from becoming emotionally abusive at the expense of abandoning myself or standing up for my needs by defending myself at the expense of being pulled into drama and subjected to emotional abuse.

Can you share an example of what you mean by fawning?

Is it better to keep a distance for my own safety, or is it worth it to try to compassionately confront her about how she harmed me?

Many of us seek support from a trusted source like therapist, or come here, and learn skills to try and manage the safety issues.

Does your sister acknowledge her BPD diagnosis, and is she receiving any treatment?