Before and After

[Depression = 72% of members]

Seven weeks have now passed since our breakup. I almost feel like sending my ex a thank you card for her extreme overreaction to our breakup, as it totally eliminates the possibility of ever encountering a reconciliation. 

It’s truly miraculous, as it was highly probable that I’d waver if she held out the olive branch a month ago. Fortunately, she was blocked everywhere, thereby eliminating that temptation.

Isn’t it remarkable how slave-like one becomes due to the intermittent reinforcement of the illness?

Anyway, I was thinking about the type of person I was before meeting her, versus who I became at the 3/4 mark, and who I am today, just to illustrate the poisonous nature of these relationships.

Perhaps you followed a similar path?

Before:

- Never fitter in my life.
- Loved going for long runs, doing calisthenics, and weight lifting.
- A very healthy diet.
- An active social life, with many friends.
- Abstained from drinking, smoking, or drugs.
- An active life hiking, sailing, rock climbing, going to plays, and live jazz and classical music performances.
- I loved reading.

3/4 Mark:

- I hadn’t visited the gym in years.
- No longer ran, and just getting dressed was a calisthenic challenge.
- My diet consisted of easy-to-make processed foods.
- Thirty-forty pounds overweight.
- Not uncommon to get through a bottle of vodka per night.
- No friends, no social life.
- Never went out, and became a recluse.
- Odd pains in my chest.
- Cultivated a “Yes Dear” attitude.

Today:

- Thirty-five pounds lighter.
- Eating healthily again.
- Stopped drinking.
- Reading again.
- Planning a future for myself that will never allow for my soul to be compromised ever again.

I’m fortunate, as it was clear to me by January that my interest in her was rapidly waning, and it wasn’t going to take a great deal of effort to topple the house of cards. 

[Augustine]

Seven weeks have now passed since our breakup. I almost feel like sending my ex a thank you card for her extreme overreaction to our breakup, as it totally eliminates the possibility of ever encountering a reconciliation. 

It’s truly miraculous, as it was highly probable that I’d waver if she held out the olive branch a month ago. Fortunately, she was blocked everywhere, thereby eliminating that temptation.

Isn’t it remarkable how slave-like one becomes due to the intermittent reinforcement of the illness?

Anyway, I was thinking about the type of person I was before meeting her, versus who I became at the 3/4 mark, and who I am today, just to illustrate the poisonous nature of these relationships.

Perhaps you followed a similar path?

Before:

- Never fitter in my life.
- Loved going for long runs, doing calisthenics, and weight lifting.
- A very healthy diet.
- An active social life, with many friends.
- Abstained from drinking, smoking, or drugs.
- An active life hiking, sailing, rock climbing, going to plays, and live jazz and classical music performances.
- I loved reading.

3/4 Mark:

- I hadn’t visited the gym in years.
- No longer ran, and just getting dressed was a calisthenic challenge.
- My diet consisted of easy-to-make processed foods.
- Thirty-forty pounds overweight.
- Not uncommon to get through a bottle of vodka per night.
- No friends, no social life.
- Never went out, and became a recluse.
- Odd pains in my chest.
- Cultivated a “Yes Dear” attitude.

Today:

- Thirty-five pounds lighter.
- Eating healthily again.
- Stopped drinking.
- Reading again.
- Planning a future for myself that will never allow for my soul to be compromised ever again.

I’m fortunate, as it was clear to me by January that my interest in her was rapidly waning, and it wasn’t going to take a great deal of effort to topple the house of cards. 

[Pook075]

Today:

- Thirty-five pounds lighter.
- Eating healthily again.
- Stopped drinking.
- Reading again.
- Planning a future for myself that will never allow for my soul to be compromised ever again.

I’m fortunate, as it was clear to me by January that my interest in her was rapidly waning, and it wasn’t going to take a great deal of effort to topple the house of cards. 

That's awesome!  Just keep it up- I lost 45 pounds the first few months after the breakup, just staying busy and eating healthy.  But as I adjusted and realized that I was much better off without all the chaos, I began to eat the same old crap and I've gained around 25 pounds back over the following nine months.  Not the end of the world or anything, but I really liked being lighter.

[capecodling]

I love this as its probably the single greatest way to see through a lot of the gaslighting to the truth of how unhealthy the relationship actually was.

Before:
Extremely healthy diet
Excellent sleeper, 8+ hours every night
Regular exercise
Rare colds and flus
Zero anxiety

During:
More and more junk food, its mostly what she and her kids ate, I got swept up in in it, I’ll admit.
Poor sleep for the entire time we were together, 5 hours per night
Stopped exercising
Constant colds, flus, stomach upset
Constant high levels of anxiety all of the time

After: (almost 3 months out)
Much healthier diet, still not back to like before.
Sleep still suffering but having good nights of sleep 2-3X per week which is an improvement
Daily exercise every day
No more colds and flus, also thanks to wim hof breathing
Almost zero anxiety

The area where I am still suffering the most is with sleep.

[Augustine]

The area where I am still suffering the most is with sleep.

Yes, the exercise fully encapsulates the wretched experience, doesn’t it?

We’re just extremely fortunate to have all of that in the rear-view mirror now. 

Sleep…yes that element completely slipped my mind.  I was in an identical state then, and now, almost two months since I ended the relationship.

Another issue regards individual identity.  My relationship was eight years in length, and eight years ago I was me.  I’m no longer me anymore, but that individual is my only normal reference point now, and so much has occurred in the interval that I can no longer identify with that person.

It’s early days yet, and I’m sure that this problem will sort itself out, but it’s presence cannot be disputed.

I’m blessed that my emotional bond to her was severed many months ago.

[ConflictedWalrus]

Before I met my uBPDstbxw (married 13 years), I was honestly pretty emotionally immature and primed for codependency. I didn't have a good grasp on what a "normal" or "healthy" relationship was because I suffered a lot of abuse as a child.

Throughout the marriage, I lost a lot of what little self esteem I had and definitely built up more and more negative self perceptions. A lot of these were false, but were built up nonetheless in response to constant reinforcement by my spouse.

We are now four months separated / final discarded by her, with a divorce (initiated by me) expected to be finalized in another month or so.

I started working out towards the start of the year. I'd say it was half for myself, and half in an effort to be more attractive to her (as she was gaslighting me and moving on). After she left, I kept at it and am down ~40lbs, definitely more muscular, and feeling a bit better when I see myself in the mirror.

Emotionally I am also much healthier. When something upsetting happens, I am much more capable of self-regulating. I have a richer social life, largely thru friends at church and a couple of Celebrate Recovery groups I attend. I could do with a bit more one-on-one / non-group friendship, but I'm an introvert so that's always going to be a work in progress.

If anything, I think I had a lot of growth during the marriage -- it taught me a lot about what is or isn't healthy in an r/s. I recognize that God made me to be a lot more resilient than I used to give myself credit for. Now I just have to apply that to areas which are worth it (and not waste my self or my efforts on things that were never meant to be).

Oh... And sleep... I've gone from 4-5 hours a night before to 5-6 hours a night after. I've always been terrible about getting enough sleep, so I'll take the extra hour as a win!

[Augustine]

Before I met my uBPDstbxw (married 13 years), I was honestly pretty emotionally immature and primed for codependency. I didn't have a good grasp on what a "normal" or "healthy" relationship was because I suffered a lot of abuse as a child.

Throughout the marriage, I lost a lot of what little self esteem I had and definitely built up more and more negative self perceptions. A lot of these were false, but were built up nonetheless in response to constant reinforcement by my spouse.

We are now four months separated / final discarded by her, with a divorce (initiated by me) expected to be finalized in another month or so.

I started working out towards the start of the year. I'd say it was half for myself, and half in an effort to be more attractive to her (as she was gaslighting me and moving on). After she left, I kept at it and am down ~40lbs, definitely more muscular, and feeling a bit better when I see myself in the mirror.

Emotionally I am also much healthier. When something upsetting happens, I am much more capable of self-regulating. I have a richer social life, largely thru friends at church and a couple of Celebrate Recovery groups I attend. I could do with a bit more one-on-one / non-group friendship, but I'm an introvert so that's always going to be a work in progress.

If anything, I think I had a lot of growth during the marriage -- it taught me a lot about what is or isn't healthy in an r/s. I recognize that God made me to be a lot more resilient than I used to give myself credit for. Now I just have to apply that to areas which are worth it (and not waste my self or my efforts on things that were never meant to be).

Oh... And sleep... I've gone from 4-5 hours a night before to 5-6 hours a night after. I've always been terrible about getting enough sleep, so I'll take the extra hour as a win!

It’s a back-handed compliment, admittedly, but the good elements that inevitably emerge from these experiences is that one becomes far more resilient, and by virtue of your actions in particular, you’ve learned that your worth as a conscionable human being is inviolable.

I’m having a monumental struggle with my ex disparaging me as an abuser, and calling the police.

 It’s particularly horrific for a reason, as I had recently put my life on the line while protecting our house and property when the largest forest fire in our province’s history came within 800 meters of our house.

My entire identity is predicated on honour, fidelity, and perseverance in the face of extreme adversity, so being vilified by someone to whom I was willing to sacrifice my life for has been the most damaging experience of my life.

She called the police about an hour after I ended the relationship.  She knew my weaknesses, and was happy to inflict as much damage on me as possible.  

It wasn’t until I discovered BPDFamily that I finally found all my answers.

[ConflictedWalrus]

I just got a goofy mental image: Picture living your life trapped in a cage with a hungry tiger, but all you want to do is pet the kitty. That's the later half of my marriage in a nutshell.

I’m having a monumental struggle with my ex disparaging me as an abuser, and calling the police.

It’s particularly horrific for a reason, as I had recently put my life on the line while protecting our house and property when the largest forest fire in our province’s history came within 800 meters of our house.

My entire identity is predicated on honour, fidelity, and perseverance in the face of extreme adversity, so being vilified by someone to whom I was willing to sacrifice my life for has been the most damaging experience of my life.

I crossed the entire continental US to rescue mine from human traffickers once. Just saying that last sentence reminds me how surreal life can be when you're in the FOG and chasing the impulsive, self-destructive "love of your life" (more like "trauma-bonded limerant object").

Only a couple years later I was greeted by the police over a false DV claim she made. She was going to take our son and leave. I thought I would go to jail, but within a couple of hours she changed course and we proceeded as though it never happened.

These are just two out of many, many, many examples of the insanity she inflicted (and which I helped perpetuate through my codependent responses).

The monumental struggle you mention is very real. An important tool for me has been to take a step back (mentally and emotionally) and try to look at anything that happened as objectively as possible... Leaving the FOG, I can see so much clearer that her allegations were/are unfounded, and my behavior was pretty darn respectable given the abhorrent circumstances she brought into my life.

[Augustine]

I just got a goofy mental image: Picture living your life trapped in a cage with a hungry tiger, but all you want to do is pet the kitty. That's the later half of my marriage in a nutshell.

In the latter half of mine, I experienced nothing but images of death.

It wasn’t until I left, and moved 6272 km away, that the images coalesced into an answer: The former province in which I had resided was a burial ground.

Everything died, and was buried in that place: The love and respect that I had for her, a large part of me died there as well, all my hopes that I had for our future…etc…I’m sure you can easily fill in the blanks.

I joke that if I accomplish nothing else in this life, at least I had tremendous success with removing disordered women from the dating pool for years at a time, so that others wouldn’t suffer an identical fate.

I crossed the entire continental US to rescue mine from human traffickers once. Just saying that last sentence reminds me how surreal life can be when you're in the FOG and chasing the impulsive, self-destructive "love of your life" (more like "trauma-bonded limerant object").

However much it grieves you to reflect on these events, if you had conducted yourself differently, operating contrary to your principals and conscience, would you be happy with yourself now?

Don’t misunderstand me, as there were many times when I felt like putting my x’s head through a Cuisinart, but when she was in distress, I never lost touch with the pathos of life…and despite being annoyed/resentful half of the time, I still followed through with doing the right thing.

I really think this is to our credit, as so few people operate this way anymore. 

Only a couple years later I was greeted by the police over a false DV claim she made. She was going to take our son and leave. I thought I would go to jail, but within a couple of hours she changed course and we proceeded as though it never happened.

These are just two out of many, many, many examples of the insanity she inflicted (and which I helped perpetuate through my codependent responses).

 That abandonment trauma of theirs is quite an insatiable beast when provoked, isn’t it?

Mine had mastered the art of laziness, and could barely muster enough energy to rise from the sofa most of the time.

  However, she suddenly tapped into the stamina of a race horse when her abandonment trauma was triggered, and would spare no effort whatsoever in making my life a misery. 

As the old expression goes, “When you’re going through hell, keep going.” and I was on a plane bound for the west coast-and sanity-within a week of calling it quits. I just grabbed what I could, and ran, rather than expose myself to more harm.

The monumental struggle you mention is very real. An important tool for me has been to take a step back (mentally and emotionally) and try to look at anything that happened as objectively as possible... Leaving the FOG, I can see so much clearer that her allegations were/are unfounded, and my behavior was pretty darn respectable given the abhorrent circumstances she brought into my life.

“How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it.”

Your conduct was exemplary, and that can never be taken from you.

I don’t miss my x at all, as she was nothing other than a callow and feckless tyrant, despite being very well educated, and holding a position of considerable responsibility.

I think that the images of death that I saw there extended to my corporeal being, as well as my spirt, so I feel nothing but gratitude every day that I wake-up knowing that I averted a tragedy.

I’ve not quite advanced to your stage of discernment where I can separate the disorder from the damage she did to me.

What I can state categorically is that you and I are now free, and our lives are made richer by their absence.