20 yo Son went no contact

[InTheWilderness]

My 20 yr old son with BPD has had a rough year. He's been hospitalized three times with suicidal ideation (overdosing on various meds), was subsequently diagnosed (this helped his state of mind) is now working a job he likes (EMT, which has a higher than average suicide rate). He lives in another state across the country.

His relationship with his father has always been idealized/hateful. His father had an authoritarian parenting style (we're still married). He was also a great father in many ways that neither my husband or I had with our own fathers.

My relationship with my son has been very good in comparison (though not great). He's told me I'm the only one who ever cared about him. A month ago he cut contact with his dad. This isn't the first time, but it is different. First, it's a month. Second, he cut ties with me because I'm married to his father, blocked me on his phone and gmail. I told him I will honor his request because it's important to respect his boundaries. But I'm having a hard time with this; I'm in counseling.

I decided to rent a place for three months near him later this fall. I'm hoping this won't trigger him, but I don't know. I have to try. Also, I'm hoping it will help to show him that I'm not abandoning him. He has recently spoken about buying a gun when he turns 21 and killing himself (I wrote about this in another post).

I understand that no one here has the answers. And I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. But he is alone where he lives. No friends or family. I guess I'm looking for hope or another way to think about this that isn't so painful. The grieving is real. What has been your experience with no contact (not by your choice)?

Thanks for reading.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[AcheyMom]

It seems we are damned if we do and damned if we don’t as far as being in contact.  Sometimes it seems like so much work to have a relationship with them, but having no contact can feel like torture.  My daughter is 33 and we have had some brief no contact periods and one lasting nearly 3 years.  I think about her every day.  I think it’s literally impossible not to as a mother.  I worry about her all the time.  But I find that she only contacts us when she really needs something.  She brought us back in recently when she lost her boyfriend and ran out of money.  She ended up in mania (she also has bipolar disorder) and is now in hospital.  We have visited her a few times and she was not nice at all and just wants us to bring her things.  The last time we went she lashed out at us as soon as we arrived so we left and haven’t been back.  I’m having a really hard time deciding how much I want to become involved.  When we have no contact our life is pretty peaceful other than missing her.  Nobody is telling us how bad we are all the time.  Our younger daughter loves us and tells us we were the best parents ever while our bpd daughter seems to harp on every little mistake (or perceived mistake) we made with her.  I’m much further down the road than you are, and very tired .  I can’t tell you what to do, just wanted to let you know you’re not alone with this dilemma.  It’s really a no-win situation that I don’t wish on any parent. Whatever you decide, I hope it works out.

[kells76]

Hi ITW;

Yes, I remember your previous post, about your S20's suicidal ideation.

Have you let S20 know yet that you'll be renting near him for 3 months in the fall? If so, how did he respond?

It seems smart to have a set time frame for pursuing that path (vs having it be "open ended" or "I guess I'll return home sometime if I feel like he's okay" etc). Could be a good balance between caring for him and caring for yourself. Do you think your S20 would do better with frequent reminders about not only your arrival date, but your departure date?

And it sounds like your H won't be going on that trip?

...

Even with everything going on in your S's life, these two points seem hopeful:

My 20 yr old son with BPD has had a rough year. He's been hospitalized three times with suicidal ideation (overdosing on various meds), was subsequently diagnosed (this helped his state of mind) is now working a job he likes (EMT, which has a higher than average suicide rate). He lives in another state across the country.

It's such a mixed bag, yet the fact that he accepts his diagnosis and is working in a meaningful (though stressful) job that he enjoys -- that is really good to read. I wonder if maybe he'll see something or hear something, from a call or from a coworker, in this line of work, that can help him continue on his journey of healing. 20 is so young and many young adults don't have a lot of "aha!" moments or profound insights into themselves until a little later. He's getting to an age where maybe some stuff that he hears and sees will stick with him and help him reflect on himself.

[InTheWilderness]

Thanks, Acheymom and kells76.

Acheymom, my heart goes out to you. Bipolar is a hard one by itself, not to mention BPD. My nephew has Bipolar and BPD traits. He and his family have really struggled. It sounds like you are doing what you can to stay healthy in this dysfunction. I am realizing that no-contact, though absolutely awful, has spared us from the extreme emotions and frankly, anguish my son experiences. What he feels, we feel too, and we have been riding his emotions with him. He and I have been pretty close, so it’s difficult to understand why he thinks he needs to weather such hardship without support. But this disorder is one of the emotional mind and logic doesn’t help much.

Kells76, I’m afraid to tell my son I’ll be visiting. Last time I mentioned I was thinking about it, he told me not to come and then quit talking to me. No, my husband would not come too. Sometimes I think my son might be testing me. If I don’t come out, I don’t care about him. I really have no idea. This disorder is a mind****.

Your right, kells76, from what I’ve read, he doesn’t have the risk factors for a more severe case of BPD. This gives me hope. But like you said, he is so young. And with the ADHD he is impulsive. We just need to keep him alive so he can seek treatment and get better.

Thanks to you both for sharing your thoughts.