Anyone w BPD dad? Anyone w BPD dad + psych/verbal abuse w mom as classic victim?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi BPDfamily community,

I'm recovering from CPTSD and early-origin, lifelong dissociation from psychological violence from my BPD/NPD dad (and now scapegoating stepmom - now NC w both.. except close sibling is in contact). I'm coming to a realization that it may be really beneficial to my healing (strength of/anchoring in my own reality/knowledge) to find community with people who not only grew up with and understand the deeply complex, nuanced dynamics of insidious psychological violence from irreconcilably gaslighting of BPD rage/shame/control/punishment/splitting etc from a parent, but from a father in particular.

To be clear, my (late) mom did not have a personality disorder. She was kind and loving (though co-narcissistic/co-dependent) though the abuse eroded her to a shell of a person before she divorced my dad, so I grew up with a very depressed, gaslit mom who on the one hand vehemently tried to defend herself verbally with yelling and on the other was not able to know her experience (much less mine). She also already had a lifelong dissociation response to her own anger and violation/anger from others.

I'm also a male (I think BPD abuse has a different, more intimate/deep projective/controlling "flavor" w same-sex kids, and also an HSP (highly sensitive person) and INFJ. Other unique details are we grew up extremely isolated - parents didn't have any friends, no children in our neighborhood, didn't really know neighbors, no cousins, v limited contact with one distant aunt - so the climate was a vacuum of possible validation / anchors for reality, backup, care, safety or justice.

I've gained a lot from others on here (thank you!) but I can't help but hope for others with more specifically-matching family-of origin / life background. Its a *little* frustrating that while there is so much info and resource for children of MOMS with BPD (wonderful this has come to be!), there seems to be VERY little anywhere about BPD men, much less fathers, or specifically the experience of children and esp sons of BPD fathers.

If you can relate to ANY of the above (BPD dad, OR also domestic abuse dynamic, growing up isolated, being highly sensitive, etc), OR you have any resources/info about BPD in men or (ideally..) children/sons of BPD fathers, I would love anything you have to share! Blessings.

[Ventralvagal]

Hi BPDfamily community,

I'm recovering from CPTSD and early-origin, lifelong dissociation from psychological violence from my BPD/NPD dad (and now scapegoating stepmom - now NC w both.. except close sibling is in contact). I'm coming to a realization that it may be really beneficial to my healing (strength of/anchoring in my own reality/knowledge) to find community with people who not only grew up with and understand the deeply complex, nuanced dynamics of insidious psychological violence from irreconcilably gaslighting of BPD rage/shame/control/punishment/splitting etc from a parent, but from a father in particular.

To be clear, my (late) mom did not have a personality disorder. She was kind and loving (though co-narcissistic/co-dependent) though the abuse eroded her to a shell of a person before she divorced my dad, so I grew up with a very depressed, gaslit mom who on the one hand vehemently tried to defend herself verbally with yelling and on the other was not able to know her experience (much less mine). She also already had a lifelong dissociation response to her own anger and violation/anger from others.

I'm also a male (I think BPD abuse has a different, more intimate/deep projective/controlling "flavor" w same-sex kids, and also an HSP (highly sensitive person) and INFJ. Other unique details are we grew up extremely isolated - parents didn't have any friends, no children in our neighborhood, didn't really know neighbors, no cousins, v limited contact with one distant aunt - so the climate was a vacuum of possible validation / anchors for reality, backup, care, safety or justice.

I've gained a lot from others on here (thank you!) but I can't help but hope for others with more specifically-matching family-of origin / life background. Its a *little* frustrating that while there is so much info and resource for children of MOMS with BPD (wonderful this has come to be!), there seems to be VERY little anywhere about BPD men, much less fathers, or specifically the experience of children and esp sons of BPD fathers.

If you can relate to ANY of the above (BPD dad, OR also domestic abuse dynamic, growing up isolated, being highly sensitive, etc), OR you have any resources/info about BPD in men or (ideally..) children/sons of BPD fathers, I would love anything you have to share! Blessings.

[Notwendy]

There is some information available on men with BPD. I can't recommend any as it's not something I have read a lot about it but I have seen some information. I think there's an explanation for why there may not be as many children of fathers with BPD. Information about BPD is relatively recent- not new but recent enough that there wasn't much available when I was a child. Also, I think it's a diagnosis that was mostly considered for females with BPD- who due to cultural/gender roles behave a bit differently than men with BPD. I've seen where females are diagnosed with BPD 3 times more than males but this might not reflect the actual prevalence of BPD in males.

There are probably adults with fathers who have BPD but it may not have been recognized as frequently as mothers with BPD and/or they were given a different diagnosis. Now, with more awareness, this prevalence might change.

It's good that you posted your situation. It's possible that other posters who have fathers with BPD are looking at this board too and can relate to your post and will respond.

[Tortuga50550]

Hi Ventralvagal,

I feel you. I also grew up with a BPD father and a mother who, despite her good intentions, was overwhelmed by the situation and would yell back when yelled by him. My mother didn't had a disorder, but she had been living in a dysfunctional family with a father that would hit her, and in a social context where she had to be tough in order to be able to do the things she wished to do. So when confronted with my BPD father, she didn't had any real information about how to confront the situation.

My father had also anger issues. Each time he would get frustrated at something, he would break something or get in a verbal fight (or both at the same time). Add that to impulsiveness, and it results on multiple car accidents that have left me with a deep scared. There was never a direct physical or sexual violente, nor to me nor to my mom. But there was a lot of emotional manipulation I think, and a big lot of gaslighting. As a child, his anger was never directed at me, but as I started to stand my ground, he became more insecure. Right now he's on therapy, and while he no longer has anger attacks, he still uses guilt and gahlighting as a method.

I was also surprised when I realized how many sources for BPDMoms where out there, and so little for BPDDads. In my case, the book "Walking on Eggshells" helped me a lot to understand BPD, since it talks generally about BPD people, both male and female.

Wish you luck!

[SweetSass]

I have a father with Bpd and it has been truly one of the hardest things I have had to endure.

He is extremely immature, arrogant, very quick to explosive anger, he enjoys humiliating me by glaring at me in front of others. 

Moreso he is extremely paranoid, quite misogynistic and enjoys criticizing and belittling others in order to build himself up.

He lacks self-awareness and has very poor social skills.  He is a prolific liar.  He gaslights to avoid accountability.

He has very low self-esteem and he is very jealous of others.  Though he projects and thinks others are jealous of him. 

Since he does not work well with others, his employment has been erratic and lacks discipline and ambition for career goals.  My father enjoys spending money as he is quite narcissistic and obsessed with the idea that others are judging him by his net worth so he spends frivolously and thus is fiscally irresponsible, has bad credit and swimming in debt. 

My father’s extreme paranoia has led him thinking that others are recording and watching him.  It’s exhausting.  He also used to participate in road rage, driving in very dangerously fast speeds thereby frightening us all.

It is very draining being around him as we must walk on eggshells lest he erupts in a tantrum and hurls accusations.  He also would routinely threaten suicide in very graphic violent terms.

I recall being disgusted and embarrassed at his emotional instability and low emotional intelligence.  I have tried over the years discussing his behavior with him because he is essentially a bully who enjoys intimidating me but all this did was convey my weakness to him and he has since amped up his death glares in order to feel superior and powerful.

Now my father is in his late 70s, with no savings and no long term care insurance and because he thinks I am required to follow his orders because he is superior to me and my parent, he announced that he planned to move in with me immediately.
In his old age, he prefers to act waifish in order to guilt me into paying for things. 

He lies shamelessly and tells everyone that I am opportunistic and that he gifts me money!  Because he is obsessed with this idea that he is a responsible and successful philanthropist, he engages in smear campaigns and I have been his main target of blame.  He thinks he is being stealth and that I am unaware of his duplicity.

Obviously that will never ever happen, as I have repeatedly warned him to be financially responsible. 

I am No Contact with him for my mental health and personal safety.  I do not trust him. 

[Turkish]

Ventralvagal,

It's great that you posted this. As a man, I think that more males don't post here due to the stereotype that men tend to suffer in silence and are hesitant to speak out and advocate for themselves. Lurkers are legion, and hopefully your post encourages more men to participate. The women here are awesome and very supportive.

The book Understanding The Borderline Mother was focused on women, but men can certainly be Waif, Hermit, Queens/Kings, Witches/Warlocks as well.

[zachira]

Men often turn all their uncomfortable emotions into anger. In many families and cultures, anger is a strength in men, and weakness for men to be sad, lonely, needing affection and love. There are probably as many men with BPD as women; men just get a different diagnosis when they see a mental health professional. Therapy was developed by men for women. Most therapists today are women. Most therapy clients are female.  Men commit suicide at much higher rates than women do. Our prisons are full of men. We have got to find ways to help men that are specific to the needs of men.
I am sad for anyone who was raised by a parent with BPD. My mother had BPD. The sad part is highly dysfunctional disturbed people often marry each other, which leaves the children with little or enough support to grow up to be healthy adults.  

[Tangled mangled]

I am sad for anyone who was raised by a parent with BPD. My mother had BPD. The sad part is highly dysfunctional disturbed people often marry each other, which leaves the children with little or enough support to grow up to be healthy adults.  

It’s truly sad growing up with even one disordered parent and the grief is doubled if both parents are.

I see many Bpd traits in my dad although I am tempted to say he is more of a malignant narcissist- high functioning university lecturer. Cheated on my mum several times but my mum still had the need to protect him from the consequences of his actions.

To the original question. The relationship between my dad and brothers was an interesting one- when it was good they form a gang to put every woman they know beneath them- that included me and my mum and sister. When it was bad- usually because brothers have refused to obey him or challenged his authority, the rife was toxic. Quarrels and endless arguments, with putting each other down. If they had a common foe then they worked together to shoot their target down. It was all or nothing. My brothers idealise my dad- he is seen as the misogynist authority in the family and since the females are out numbered in my family, it’s like you can’t have a say as a female in the family, you are meant to serve them. Even my mum demands that level of service even though she resents it herself.My brothers almost worship our dad like he is a superior being even though he has made all kinds errors of judgement while we were growing up and literally cheated on our mum right before our eyes.

My brothers have not been successful in their relationships because they can’t find a woman who will serve them like a slave and quietly put up with abuse the way they were raised to expect.

[Sappho11]

Hi Ventralvagal,

I grew up with disordered foster parents, in a similar scenario you describe. One of the things that has helped me the most (more than years of therapy in fact) is a book named "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents". Stupid title, but that book is worth its weight in gold. So many insights, great exercises, and if your parents are still alive, pointers on how to interact with them in the future. I cannot recommend it enough. It also helps you uncover subconscious beliefs about yourself and how to move forward in a better fashion in life. Just a great book overall. With a bit of googling, you can even find versions of it online.

I have a father with Bpd and it has been truly one of the hardest things I have had to endure.

He is extremely immature, arrogant, very quick to explosive anger, he enjoys humiliating me by glaring at me in front of others. 

Moreso he is extremely paranoid, quite misogynistic and enjoys criticizing and belittling others in order to build himself up.

He lacks self-awareness and has very poor social skills.  He is a prolific liar.  He gaslights to avoid accountability.

He has very low self-esteem and he is very jealous of others.  Though he projects and thinks others are jealous of him. 

Since he does not work well with others, his employment has been erratic and lacks discipline and ambition for career goals.  My father enjoys spending money as he is quite narcissistic and obsessed with the idea that others are judging him by his net worth so he spends frivolously and thus is fiscally irresponsible, has bad credit and swimming in debt. 

My father’s extreme paranoia has led him thinking that others are recording and watching him.  It’s exhausting.  He also used to participate in road rage, driving in very dangerously fast speeds thereby frightening us all.

It is very draining being around him as we must walk on eggshells lest he erupts in a tantrum and hurls accusations.  He also would routinely threaten suicide in very graphic violent terms.

I recall being disgusted and embarrassed at his emotional instability and low emotional intelligence.  I have tried over the years discussing his behavior with him because he is essentially a bully who enjoys intimidating me but all this did was convey my weakness to him and he has since amped up his death glares in order to feel superior and powerful.

Now my father is in his late 70s, with no savings and no long term care insurance and because he thinks I am required to follow his orders because he is superior to me and my parent, he announced that he planned to move in with me immediately.
In his old age, he prefers to act waifish in order to guilt me into paying for things. 

He lies shamelessly and tells everyone that I am opportunistic and that he gifts me money!  Because he is obsessed with this idea that he is a responsible and successful philanthropist, he engages in smear campaigns and I have been his main target of blame.  He thinks he is being stealth and that I am unaware of his duplicity.

Obviously that will never ever happen, as I have repeatedly warned him to be financially responsible. 

I am No Contact with him for my mental health and personal safety.  I do not trust him. 

I've just typed up a lengthy post about my father with whom I recently reconnected, and I feel as if I am reading a 1-to-1 description of what's in my near future based on how things are now, and my experience in similar situations. Not good. Are you my estranged half-sister? I'm only half-joking. You have my compassion either way.