Cancelling plans

[usagi]

This has happened a couple of times recently.  I have made plans to be away from my partner, communicated those plans in advance, and then near the actual date she gets upset that I made plans to be away.  One of these times I tried to hold my ground but it resulted in a huge mental health crisis for her.  The most recent time I decided to cancel my plans to accommodate her.

She's said that we need to have a day together to keep our relationship healthy.  She has a very emotionally intense job working with at risk folks so Sunday is generally a stressful day for her.  So lately we've been making Sunday our day together.

Now it seems that I will no longer be able to make any plans on this day.  I fully agree that she and I need to spend time together to work on our relationship but I think it should be a little bit more flexible.  I feel like this is an instance where she really needs me to help her regulate her emotions.

The instance where I tried to hold my ground was very important to me.  I ultimately cancelled my plans there too after she had her break down.  This time is less important but I still don't like it when she says she's OK with something and then changes at the last minute.  She said that I should have put it on the calendar and she could have planned for it.  But I told her about these plans months ago and we've talked about it since then.

I feel like if I try to hold my ground on making plans with my friends or family to be away from her it's gonna just blow up and I'll have to cancel.  Otherwise I'll need to either suffer her break down or not make those plans in the first place.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Elitevaz]

I had a big problem with this too. Even before meeting her, I was to be her photographer and she my model. She cancelled every shoot. I couldn’t photograph her until we were in a relationship and i took her to a nice place and made a shoot out of it without her knowing, which she loved the photos.

I had a few times I wanted to watch movies with friends, this became a problem for. I even invited her the first time and paid for a ticket she didn’t come, even though she said she would. She got mad I stayed out late with my male friends and suspected me of cheating. There were 2 other movies I went to with the same group of friends and she wasn’t happy any of those times.

Another time I had to go to Puerto Rico to see my kids. I left secretly and told her after I got there. Obviously she raged. She accused me of meeting my ex there to cheat, which I did not. I had a good time with my kids and focused on them.

I had to stop photography because I just could not talk to any girl without being accused and she was so mentally draining I didn’t have the energy for it anyway.

[usagi]

I had to stop photography because I just could not talk to any girl without being accused and she was so mentally draining I didn’t have the energy for it anyway.

That's horrible!  What are you doing for work now?  Are you still in that relationship?  Have you found any ways to negotiate time away?

[Jabiru]

Hi usagi, it sounds like you're frustrated that your plans end up canceled. I'd recommend to go ahead with your plans unless there's a legitimate emergency. As you do so, it sends a signal to her that you're serious about it and she will learn to trust and respect your decisions. There may be sparks as you stand up for yourself, but it's important to be consistent. Thoughts?

[usagi]

Hi Jabiru,

I do need to do that, I agree.  I'm just very gun shy at the moment after the last blow up.  Last time I tried to stand my ground I was worried she might hurt herself or worse.  It got very bad.

Sunday's are a hard day for her for lots of reasons.  We share custody of her son with her ex.  Sunday is the day he goes back to his dad.  She also gets worked up about the start of the work week.  So this is her day to have someone just pay attention to her and help her feel better.

That said, I realize that I am accommodating and maybe enabling her behavior.  I guess at the moment I just need a break from the roller coaster.

[Elitevaz]

That's horrible!  What are you doing for work now?  Are you still in that relationship?  Have you found any ways to negotiate time away?

Photography is my hobby mostly. She left me in June. Suddenly became ice cold and stopped communicating. My life while with her devolved into just going to work, coming home to cater to her disregulation and sometimes go to the gym. Phone on silent, little communication with anyone else. I wasn’t prepared to deal with this at all. I feel she wasn’t in control, but I loved her so much and wanted to protect her. She drove me to the limits of my self control.

I found the pure attention from her very rewarding, but it sucks I wasn’t equipped with the right mental tools to deal with it. Still depressed from her discarding me, don’t find many other girls attractive still. No other girl was as vulnerable and admiring as her in my life.

[Cat Familiar]

People with BPD tend to try and isolate their *loved one* from friends and family. Be aware of this happening. It’s much easier to prevent it at the outset than to try and fix relationships with others after they’re broken.

[usagi]

Photography is my hobby mostly. She left me in June. Suddenly became ice cold and stopped communicating. My life while with her devolved into just going to work, coming home to cater to her disregulation and sometimes go to the gym. Phone on silent, little communication with anyone else. I wasn’t prepared to deal with this at all. I feel she wasn’t in control, but I loved her so much and wanted to protect her. She drove me to the limits of my self control.

I found the pure attention from her very rewarding, but it sucks I wasn’t equipped with the right mental tools to deal with it. Still depressed from her discarding me, don’t find many other girls attractive still. No other girl was as vulnerable and admiring as her in my life.

Really sorry to hear about what happened.  I feel like that is a real struggle with my uBPD partner.  When she's feeling good I get tons of love and support.  When she's struggling it's all hands on deck to manage the drama.