Hey Staylor, glad you landed here -- you're among friends who understand the intensity of a relationship with a pwBPD (person with BPD).
You've certainly been through the wringer over the last four years, and much of your story sounds so relatable here -- the amazing beginning, the fast pace, a few red flags, an event (or a couple of events) that seemed to set off more intense BPD-type traits and behaviors, her blame, risky behaviors, and wildly varying emotions... all with what sounds like if not actual substance abuse, then risky use of alcohol and drugs. It makes a lot of sense that you're kind of left standing in the wreckage wondering "so what do I do now".
Couple of things are standing out to me in your story:
Although DBT has helped her regulate her emotions, its obvious that her BPD is still pretty sever...
It sounds like you accept that even though she has tried some BPD-specific treatment, she still has some pretty extreme acting out behaviors -- that she does not seem to be actively applying the lessons of DBT in a way that significantly impacts her risky choices.
and
I guess my main concern is she's making radical life changes in a state of being unwell... it's more the kids I'm worried about than me...
How old are the kids? How have they responded to their mom's actions? And is their dad in their life at all?
...
You're in a high-intensity situation right now, and she doesn't sound anywhere close to a baseline where she can hear and process rational input. That's one of the very challenging parts of being in a relationship with pwBPD -- when they're dysregulated, there isn't a ton we can do to "help" or "explain" or "fix it". Even though in a "generally normal" relationship, in a conflict, if we offered to help, or explained the situation, etc, that might help lower the emotional temperature, it's unintuitively the opposite with pwBPD. In times of conflict and dysregulation, usually
Justifying, Arguing, Defending, and Explaining ourselves is like throwing gasoline on a fire. The most rational reasons we give pwBPD, instead of making things better or helping them make wiser choices, can sometimes increase the intensity of the conflict.
So, in high-intensity situations, where we want so much to make things better, often a more helpful approach is to look at ways we can "stop making it worse" (not to say it's all our fault! More to say -- we only control our own contributions to the conflict, so we can look at moves we're making and decide to try different approaches to turn down the intensity).
There are a lot of good starting places in our "Tools" section up top; any one of the articles would be a fantastic read. You can try the one on
Don't Be Invalidating for starters -- it kind of relates to the idea that in order to not make things worse in our relationships, we need to move away from the invalidation of Explaining stuff to partners and towards helping partners feel truly heard.
Again, none of this is to say "well it's your fault for XYZ" -- not at all. It's really about how having a relationship with a pwBPD can take deeply nonintuitive skills and approaches.
I hear how much anguish you're in as you watch her self-destruct, and I'm reading how you're willing to try nearly everything to better your relationship. While there are no guarantees, and she is struggling with some intense traits and behaviors, you can come here and learn some counter-intuitive tools and work on your side of things. Sometimes, when one partner changes an approach, it can impact the relationship dynamic for the better.
Staylor, feel free to settle in, read other threads, check out the Tools and Tips section above, and let us know how you're doing.
-kells76
