7 years out from my first BPD ex...

[capecodling]

I've posted on here a fair amount about my most recent breakup with a BPD from 3 months ago.  I'm still in some pain over that, however, I thought this was worth its own thread because I just received a message from my first BPDex who I was together with, off and on, and it finally ended 7 or so years ago.

At the time, one of my friends who is a therapist had diagnosed her (my ex) as likely having BPD, but my ex denied there was anything wrong on her end and I took on all the blame (of course.)   At the time of the breakup I was traumatized and devastated just like now with my more recent breakup with another BPD woman, I was so angry with her and felt so betrayed.  She had broken up with me to go back with her past lover.   I was crushed.  I remember being out one time and I thought I saw her at a shopping mall and I was so triggered I was trembling.

Early on in the breakup, when she was bouncing around between men and a hot mess, she did offer hookups a few times and try to recycle, but at a certain point I stopped accepting her offers for sex, knowing how many strings would be attached.   She was a really vibrant and sensual woman, I could see how she had hooked me in so deeply, but once the trauma bond was dissolved the spell she had over me was broken and she reverted back to being just an ordinary woman, without the sexual or emotional pull that she had when we were together.   It still took at least 2 years of essentially NC for the ruminations about her to stop.

Later on she would actually get her life together somewhat, become a psychologist, and actually became a decent friend after many years, we would send each other Christmas cards around once a year and usually a happy birthday, but not more than that.  She seemed to become aware at some point of her BPD condition because she admitted to me that I had been right about her back then (when I had said she had BPD traits) she said to me she thinks she does have BPD.   She also stopped going from man to man (or multiple at once) and has become essentially a "cat lady" living in a remote area alone with her pets and says she doesn't intend to partner again.

She has stopped recycling attempts, she probably sends a handful of friendly, but not flirtatious messages per year, just asking how I am doing and wishing me well.  She seems like a genuinely decent person (as a friend) but I would never dare be anything more than that with her, knowing the potential destruction that's there.   I suppose she is an example of a BPD who has mellowed out slightly over the years, she definitely isn't living happily ever after but she isn't sowing destruction and chaos everywhere she does like my most recent ex.

I can say she has absolutely no pull on me from where I am now, no ruminations, she's just like an old friend who I now feel vaguely fondly towards, given that she has demonstrated 7 years of good behavior and seems to be in treatment.   I still wouldn't ever be anything more than friends and wouldn't advise *anybody* to get into a relationship with her, even with the treatment, that danger is probably still lurking under the surface.

[Pook075]

My wife and I have been separated for about a year and currently divorcing.  We also got a diagnosis right after the breakup and like your ex, she denied it.  My wife now tiptoes around that conversation though as we talk and accepts that there is something off with her.  

Like your ex, she plans on being single from now on since the relationship will very likely turn bad over time.  She did chase someone who wasn't available, and at this point I actually hope they end up marrying someday.  He's a good guy and would take good care of her.  But she's terrified of the patterns repeating and I think she knows that she can't be an emotionally available wife long term.

I think a big factor is the realization that BPD is at the center of everything and a serious relationship just might not be in the cards for that person.  It makes me sad in a way, I want my wife to feel love again someday, but I also hope that she wouldn't sabotage it with negative thinking and lashing out.  Who knows, only time will tell.

[Augustine]

My previous ex would suddenly materialize out of nowhere like she beamed down from the Enterprise. It was always jarring, and in the end, completely unwelcome. 

Her appearances were always fleeting, sometimes measured in weeks, but usually months was the norm.

I adapted to her ebb and flow for a while, as the benefits certainly hit the spot, and apart from the soul-destroying vagaries of the disorder, I enjoyed her companionship.

I’d still receive the odd email, or text, years and years after formally calling everything off.

Looking at someone you once cared about, more than anyone else in the world, with unequivocal emotional detachment is surely one of life’s sobering moments. 

It stands to reason that just like a locomotive, wherever the tracks are laid, there it must go, so BPD likely delivers some fairly unenviable life outcomes in late middle age and beyond.

I’m principally concerned about my outcome at the moment, as mastering the art of self-sacrifice for disordered women means that if I don’t repair my own tracks, my next stop isn’t going to be any more enviable than our BPD counterparts’.

[capecodling]

My wife and I have been separated for about a year and currently divorcing.  We also got a diagnosis right after the breakup and like your ex, she denied it.  My wife now tiptoes around that conversation though as we talk and accepts that there is something off with her.  

Like your ex, she plans on being single from now on since the relationship will very likely turn bad over time.  She did chase someone who wasn't available, and at this point I actually hope they end up marrying someday.  He's a good guy and would take good care of her.  But she's terrified of the patterns repeating and I think she knows that she can't be an emotionally available wife long term.

I think a big factor is the realization that BPD is at the center of everything and a serious relationship just might not be in the cards for that person.  It makes me sad in a way, I want my wife to feel love again someday, but I also hope that she wouldn't sabotage it with negative thinking and lashing out.  Who knows, only time will tell.

Its amazing how clearly you narrate it now.  It seems to always reduce to such a simple story given enough time and perspective, but in the middle of the storm for me it was always so disorienting and confusing, with so many "why" and "what if" questions and seemingly no answers.   To hear you talk about it so calmly, and even wishing her to find someone, that's inspiring.   I feel the same way about the ex above, given 7 years of distance from her I'd love it if she found love.   Was it like that for you, confusing and overwhelming when you were in it, but seems to mostly make sense now?

[capecodling]

I’m principally concerned about my outcome at the moment, as mastering the art of self-sacrifice for disordered women means that if I don’t repair my own tracks, my next stop isn’t going to be any more enviable than our BPD counterparts’.

I think the fact that you're thinking about this and asking these kinds of questions, shows that odds are you will end up on a favorable track, once you decide to exit the BPD railway to destruction.    Its more those who blame everyone else -- the way the borderline does -- who are likely to keep repeating the same mistakes.   

For my part, I've had some of my own bad tendencies which have landed me in these types of relationships again and again.   But now that I know what to look for I've spotted it and derailed (to continue the train metaphor) a few early relationships that could have turned into the same nightmare, so I feel like there truly is hope.

[ForeverDad]

It is possible that because you are no longer in the relationship that the full impact of BPD traits is reduced.  Maybe the person is better and less disordered, but from a distance you may never be sure.

It took me quite a long time to come to an epiphany.  In a general sense, we cannot fix our disordered loved ones.  Support in effective ways, Yes, but fix, No.  Fixing is up to the individual and to a lesser extent the professionals.

All of us were in close relationships with our acting-out disordered ones.  Yet it seemed any attempts to fix were sabotaged.  Why?  Because of our close relationships.

BPD is a disorder most evident in close relationships.  The closer it is, the more evident it is, if not at first then over time.  And what is closer and more emotion filled than a spouse?  Someone in a peripheral relationship such as a brief encounter at a store or restaurant or even coworkers may notice something is "off" but they don't get the full brunt of the impact as we experienced.

[Pook075]

Its amazing how clearly you narrate it now.  It seems to always reduce to such a simple story given enough time and perspective, but in the middle of the storm for me it was always so disorienting and confusing, with so many "why" and "what if" questions and seemingly no answers.   To hear you talk about it so calmly, and even wishing her to find someone, that's inspiring.   I feel the same way about the ex above, given 7 years of distance from her I'd love it if she found love.   Was it like that for you, confusing and overwhelming when you were in it, but seems to mostly make sense now?

For me, I got back in church shortly after the marriage fractured and that helped me immensely.  Biblically, we're supposed to submit to God...and marriage is one of the closest things on Earth to that relationship.  Husband and wife are supposed to submit to each other, always forgive each other, and strive to become closer every day.

So that's what I did- I apologized to my wife for any deranged accusation she could think of, and I treated her well after she walked away.  I tried to reconcile for months but at the same time, that Biblical definition of marriage stayed fresh in my mind and I knew I couldn't settle for anything less than that.  I also realized that I was horribly depressed and frustrated in the marriage because my wife was never there for me like she should have been.

I was mad for a short time, but eventually I realized that my wife was sick (BPD) and would never be able to be the partner that we all deserve.  What's the point of being angry over that?  That's what it all comes down to- what we personally need to feel loved, supported, etc.  It's okay to be selfish in that regard, to want a partner that will be there through better or worse, in sickness and in health, etc. 

Moving forward, I do want my wife to be happy because I still love her very much.  I accept that she's mentally ill and can no longer love me like a husband, which is completely fine since I deserve more than what I was getting anyway.

[Augustine]

I think the fact that you're thinking about this and asking these kinds of questions, shows that odds are you will end up on a favorable track, once you decide to exit the BPD railway to destruction.    Its more those who blame everyone else -- the way the borderline does -- who are likely to keep repeating the same mistakes.

From your lips to God’s ears, and thank you. 

The recovery finishing line is within sight now, despite the odd day when I still feel like faeces.

I’m fortunate(?), in a way, as towards the end of my relationship it was clear that we were growing apart, and our life goals were no longer running along a parallel course…notwithstanding having to deal wth her debilitating mental illness, which was as endearing as a fire in an orphanage.

But I did love hear dearly, despite having to acknowledge that I never truly did know her, and despite the relationship being as easy to manage as running a marathon wearing swim fins.

For my part, I've had some of my own bad tendencies which have landed me in these types of relationships again and again.   But now that I know what to look for I've spotted it and derailed (to continue the train metaphor) a few early relationships that could have turned into the same nightmare, so I feel like there truly is hope.

I’m a maven for rescuing females, and the Kleenex tissues that I’ve doled out to weeping women over the years have probably absorbed the equivalent of Lake Erie in tears. 

And then you experience a BPD relationship, and understand that nothing dries faster than a troubled woman’s tears.

[capecodling]

And then you experience a BPD relationship, and understand that nothing dries faster than a troubled woman’s tears.

Yes, it goes from a weeping and tearful “please give me another chance i’ll do whatever it takes” to suddenly all the tears have dried and there is a cold and angry “i am done with you forever.” You don’t know even know what happened.