Situation with hBPD Mother, Elderly sick nBPD father deteriorating further

[todayistheday]

My hBPD mother is still raging.  She was still refusing to take Dad to his 5 day follow up, so I made the drive and took him. Then she later said that we would not let her go to it.  There was a screaming match after the appointment, because we had not asked a question that she wanted an answer to.  Something that never occurred to us.  I asked before leaving what she wanted me to find out.  She said she was not involved and did not care.

He told me that she screamed at him about his situation and his doctors from the time I left until I got back a couple days later.  She told him lies about me -- a big one -- she said that I had said something to her that she had actually said to me.  She said that I told her that she didn't know what she was talking about.  She had told me that.  I had let it pass, her being her.  When I told him that I would NEVER say that to anyone, but especially to HER, he said that she had told similar things about him and then gotten mad at him for the things that he allegedly said but did not.
Question:  Do Borderlines BELIEVE the lies that they are telling -- do they become their distorted version of the truth?

There was a temporary reprieve. Despite the screaming that was till going on,   left their house to come home.  When leaving, I gave her a side-hug and quietly whispered "be nice".  And she was for a while.  Can it be that simple?  (BTW, when I said that, she replied, "I'm always nice.")

Today, I got a call from Dad. During it, I heard him cry.  I think that's the only time that has ever happened.  It broke my heart and I wanted to cry too, and I did after.  He said that he could not understand why she did not want to help him or take care of him.  That no matter what was going on, he would always take care of her.

What I did not and will not tell him is that if she happens to outlive him, she's on her own.  I will help take care of her as long as he is around for his sake, but not for hers or mine.  But if she outlives him, she's on her own as far as I'm concerned.

I wanted to draw a boundary and get out of it.  But my husband pointed out how much my father needs me. I cannot and will not abandon my Dad.  He stayed married to my Mom for our sakes when we were kids, and then was unable to get away when we graduated.    Sister (GC) never got away either, only me.  

My Dad and I are close in other ways too.  I'm not a "Daddy's Girl", but he and I are more of "peas in a pod".  So he means the world to me.  We have similar interests and up until Covid did things together.  He's at an age that Covid was unfortunate timing for.

I know that I cannot fix it, and that's difficult too.  I still have not seen my counselor.  Too many things going on the next few weeks to carve out any more time - as much as it's needed.  

[Methuen]

Question:  Do Borderlines BELIEVE the lies that they are telling -- do they become their distorted version of the truth?

IMHO, yes.  That is my personal experience.  I believe there is deep dark psychological stuff inside them.

There was a temporary reprieve. Despite the screaming that was till going on,   left their house to come home.  When leaving, I gave her a side-hug and quietly whispered "be nice".  And she was for a while.  Can it be that simple?  (BTW, when I said that, she replied, "I'm always nice.")

Does a child always remember how to behave, or do they need reminders from a parent?  Remember that our pwBPD have the emotional intelligence of a child, but are in adult bodies. My mom has said "Will you be my mommy?"  That is her expectation.  BPD's struggle with emotional self-regulation, and like to rely on others to help them with this.  In your case, the gentle reminder to your mom is probably helpful to the situation with your dad, because she knows she is being watched, and that might possibly help her manage her feelings, or just take the edge off for your dad.

Today, I got a call from Dad. During it, I heard him cry.  I think that's the only time that has ever happened.  It broke my heart and I wanted to cry too, and I did after.  He said that he could not understand why she did not want to help him or take care of him.  That no matter what was going on, he would always take care of her.

My dad died from his illness over 18 years ago, but when my mom was behaving like this, I confidentially reported it to dad's doctor and case manager.  I think it eventually helped him get into long term care sooner.  He was better off there, than with my mom.

Year's earlier (before his illness had progressed), my dad had asked me to take him to his doctor.  So I did.  At that appointment, he told his story about how his wife was treating him.  The doctor listened and replied:  "It sounds like she has Borderline Personality Disorder".  This was the very first time I ever heard this term.

Has your dad ever talked to his doctor about his situation?  

I know that I cannot fix it, and that's difficult too.  I still have not seen my counselor.  Too many things going on the next few weeks to carve out any more time - as much as it's needed.

It sounds like there is a lot going on.  I hope that some of the "things going on" are for your own wellness.  Counsellors these days are often booking far ahead, so it might be worth considering booking an appointment now for down the road.  Even if the waters miraculously calm down, there will be plenty to discuss and "process" with a counsellors help.  They are wonderful at validating our experience, reminding us what "normal" is, and offering strategies and information relevant to our situation. 

[Notwendy]

Oh gosh, I am so sorry-
My BPD mother also must have told my father lies about me, because eventually, he also joined her in her anger. They were both angry at the boundaries I had, but her abusive behavior escalated.

There was one moment with my father that was similar to yours. I was scared for him. Keeping my mother's behavior secret was a family rule- and I broke it. I told his doctors, the hospital social worker, to please set up home health help. At some point, he became angry at me and stepped in to "rescue" BPD mother- and they both insisted that she was taking good care of him.

My error at the time was that I emotionally reacted to my parents but I didn't understand the classic Karpman triangle dynamics. I had stepped in as rescuer and this led to BPD mother taking victim perspective- and he rescued her "against" me. While I believe I did the right thing by trying to intervene for his own welfare, I know now that these dynamics between them- were going on for decades. My best advice to you is to do what you believe is in your father's best interest, but don't react personally to these patterns between them. It's not about you, it's their dynamics.

By the time he passed away, it seemed as if I was disowned. BPD mother didn't allow me to have any of his belongings that were sentimental to me- said some made up things about me to her family and friends and some weren't speaking to me. I was despondent. I felt like an orphan as Dad was the only one who had acted as a parent to me. I grieved that loss.

And yet, there was this odd sense of relief- not because he was gone but because he was the "glue" between me and my mother. Much of my complying with her and tolerating her behavior was because I wanted my father's approval. I also think his presence formed the basis for her relationship with me because at this time, she didn't want it.

So, I had the choice of cutting contact with her or not. It was an odd sense of freedom- to choose. For several reasons, I chose LC. But I also have boundaries with her. She doesn't like that. I don't live close enough to BPD mother to be a caregiver, and I learned from the experiences of trying to help him that this would be an emotionally abusive situation. I see now that she's also abusive to her caregivers.

NC is also a choice you can make. I encourage you to look into the elder care laws and resources available in your area, in the US, that would be Medicare, Medicaid- the differences between assisted living, skilled nursing, and home health care. The cost of home health aides  is extraordinary. Skilled nursing homes are expensive but some people qualify for Medicaid assistance- and there are specific laws with who qualifies for that.

In the event that your father ever needs some of these, you will know about them. My parents rejected my suggestions for assisted living, but it was good to have the information.