The "shoot yourself in the foot" disease (frustration, rant)

[maxsterling]

3 weeks in, and W is already having issues with her job and wants to quit.  This is not unexpected, because nearly the exact same thing happens every time she tries to work.   It makes me wonder if BPD should be described as the "shoot yourself in the foot" disease because Ws coping mechanisms are always things that make situations worse. 

At the core of W's issues seems to be a complete inability to be by herself, work on problems by herself, or make decisions by herself.  The "I hate you don't leave me" seems to extend beyond romantic issues.   She hates dealing with coworkers and has resentment towards them, yet the more they pull away, the more W leans into them and then builds resentment when they don't respond to her cries for assistance in the way that she likes. 

Every job she has had since I met her starts the same - lots of initial optimism followed by a very rapid souring.  "Very rapid" meaning within a day.  Then follows a manic obsession to try and "fix" the problem - brainstorming for new strategies, re-arranging furniture in her classroom.  Every time she quickly finds an antagonist whom she blames for her stress.

She seems to be aware of this pattern, yet her solution is to magnify the pattern and then quit. 
Example - the main "antagonist" here is a more senior teacher in her grade.   W will go on about how she resents this teacher, how she isn't nice, doesn't communicate clearly.  This teacher set a boundary that she does not work on the weekend.  So, what does W do?  Tries communication with this teacher on the weekend, gets frustrated when she hits the boundary, and then tries to communicate more, making this teacher frustrated and upset.   W interprets this frustration as hostility towards her, now strengthening the resentment. 

Several times she has asked my advice regarding how to handle situation with a "should I" question.  Many times I have responded by saying something like "It's 11pm, do you really need to send that email now?" Other times it may be "does that really need to be said, or is it better to just take care of it yourself?"  !00% of the time she ignores my advice and 100% of the time it makes the situation worse, and she knows it, yet she keeps doing it. 

More than likely she will quit this job.  And more than likely that will put the final nail into her teaching career.  I don't have a problem with this, but what I do have a problem with is later she will complain about being broke, not being able to afford something, being in debt... Many people have advised her to simply get a part time job that pays no more than what she is allowed to work and keep her disability.  But she won't do it. 

I'm doing better at taking care of myself.  But with this continual cycle of chaos it is quite difficult.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

Max, I am curious about how this surprises you? BPD affects all relationships. It affects the most intimate the most- but it also affects friendships and work relationships too.

I think we do get into the mindset of that- we are the problem. If only we did this one thing or that one thing, our pwBPD would be OK. Or buy into their feeling that- it's something else, not them.

It's confusing too as there are moments of clarity, and if a person is intelligent, then we assume they can be functional but with BPD there is poor emotional regulation, anxiety, and difficulty with relationships that could be overwhelming to them.

The most factual evidence that your wife's function in a work situation is impaired is that she receives disability. This means some professional has determined this.

Max, this isn't under your control. Let her manage the job situation. It would be good if there are jobs she can manage but she needs to decide to try them.

[maxsterling]

Max, I am curious about how this surprises you? BPD affects all relationships. It affects the most intimate the most- but it also affects friendships and work relationships too.

I think we do get into the mindset of that- we are the problem. If only we did this one thing or that one thing, our pwBPD would be OK. Or buy into their feeling that- it's something else, not them.

It's confusing too as there are moments of clarity, and if a person is intelligent, then we assume they can be functional but with BPD there is poor emotional regulation, anxiety, and difficulty with relationships that could be overwhelming to them.

The most factual evidence that your wife's function in a work situation is impaired is that she receives disability. This means some professional has determined this.

Max, this isn't under your control. Let her manage the job situation. It would be good if there are jobs she can manage but she needs to decide to try them.

I think what I find interesting is seeing how the "don't leave me" part also applies to everyone.  With work relationships I had always assumed she wanted them over with and didn't have too much emotional investment there.  But now I see it working exactly the same way as with loved ones.

Permanent disability is not easy to get, especially for mental health issues.  Usually one needs a social worker and/or lawyer as an advocate.  W was hospitalized for an extended period when this happened.  She has a strong desire to work and "be normal" - I just don't know in what way she would be able to work and even tolerate a job.

The only thing I can do is accept that this is the way it is.  If it was me, things would have to be really bad for me to quit after a month because there is so much negative involved with quitting.  That means you have to tell your boss that you are quitting, leaving a vacancy that will be difficult to fill. That means telling your students that you will no longer be their teacher.  That is hard on them.  Then there is the shame of knowing you could not do the job and worry about how others may view/judge you.  Considering shame and fear of being judged negatively are in some way behind nearly every one of W's dysregulations - she must feel this job is really bad if she would rather face all that.

Last night she wanted to talk about this endlessly, and I am emotionally tired from that.  I did feel an obligation to listen to her and try to steer her to a more positive direction.  I listened to the issues she was having and tried to respond generally, saying that it sounds like a lot of stress, and that even excellent teachers would be stressed, and that no job is worth feeling that much stress over.  I did my best to be validating of how much stress she is feeling and avoided minimizing her stress or trying to find solutions to the things causing her stress (even though many of her issues didn't sound that unmanageable to me but I can see how they are difficult for her). I encouraged her to take a sick day and be with S6(who is ill) and focus on that.  It took lots of encouragement, but it seemed to help.  I also told her that if she decides to quit, that is up to her and I would support her decision. 

I'm trying to step out of this as much as possible.  I'm even trying to not even have an unstated preference as to the outcome, but that is difficult because I do have a preference.  My hope is that W finds a way to manage her stress enough to get thru the school year, but if I stated that preference to her I then am on the hook for the blame when things fall apart.   I feel quite sad being in that type of relationship, because it would be nice to be with someone of whom I can encourage and help work through problems; hence the "shooting herself in the foot" because Ws behavior leads others to enforce boundaries which then make her feel further alienated.

[FarDrop77]

I find it surprising just because my experience with my wife is that she is completely different around those she isn't close with.  Like she will be in the middle of flipping out about something or another and then get a phone call from another kid's parent and it's like "finger snap!" different person.  I don't think her coworkers were ever aware of her behaviors, and she was successful in her two previous careers before we met (high school teacher and then a program director at an arts center).  Sometimes this can work to my advantage because she'll behave rationally for a while if we're around people and then actually stay that way for a bit when we're alone again.

[Notwendy]

BPD is a spectrum disorder. It affects the most intimate relationships the most but since it's the pwBPD with the condition, not the other people, it affects all relationships to some extent. It is possible for someone with BPD to "hold it together" with less intimate relationships like friends. My BPD mother can do this as well.

We all do this to some extent- we are more formal in the workplace than we are at home with family- but "who" we are is consistent. With my BPD mother, it's like a whole different persona with other people.

If someone is high functioning BPD- they can do well in the work setting. With my BPD mother, it's inconsistent. She can be high functioning socially in some ways but with tasks, or keeping a schedule, she isn't. She could not emotionally manage the task expectations of employment or the social aspect. Like Max's wife- she wants to feel "normal". At the time my parent's married, most women didn't work outside the home, so this was not something she strived for.

When the behavior seems to be more with family, and we see them manage better socially, I think we do tend to think it's isolated to family- but disordered thinking is with the person, not the other people around them. It just may be that these relationships aren't as close. In our family, my BPD mother's behavior was a family secret. People outside the family didn't see it. Since she is elderly- and needs assistance- she's gotten into similar dynamics with her caregivers that she has with family members- as that is a closer relationship than a social acquaintance.

Max is correct- it isn't easy to get qualified to receive disability. A medical professional has to provide evidence that this person is not able to hold a job to support themselves. They must have some kind of condition that limits their ability. Surely your wife knows what is on the report- what disorder is listed on there. Denial and avoidance of shame is a part of having BPD - it's understandable that someone wants to feel competent. There are people with all kinds of differences in ability who are in the workplace but one requirement is being able to get along with co-workers and a disorder that impacts relationships might make that difficult. The suggestion of a part time job is a good one, but your wife would need to be the one to do that.

[maxsterling]

This morning she went to work but did not want to go.  I did my very best to stay out of the decision, but I did point out that at some point she will have to go back and deal with the people there.  She did have another excuse D6 being sick.  I laid out her choices for her - which is easier, going to her job or sitting on the computer and coming up with substitute teacher plans at the last minute.  The choice was entirely hers, unfortunately I am sure she will claim I pressured her to go if she has another bad day. 

She said she had a lot of anxiety and that was physically apparent - this was of the "nervous breakdown" variety.  I mentioned how it is a half day today and the kids are doing testing, so she won't have to deal with her class as much.  When she told me half days are no easier I realized dealing with the students is not the issue here.   The issue is that she has an intense fear of criticism, and she fears criticism from the other staff.  And for a pwBPD, she interprets ANY feedback as criticism.  She makes it sound like she is being punished or that her coworkers are horrible - I am sure that is not the case at all.  She actually asked for additional support, so they told her to meet with the instructional coach every morning - to which W interprets as punishment.  But the real issue is that W fears being observed, and this school has a very hands-on principal who likes to visit classes during the day.  She views these visits negatively rather than an opportunity for guidance. 

This sounds strikingly similar to the first teaching job she had after I met her - She had a hard time managing her students, had a team member whom she butted heads, and when she was told her class was going to be observed for routine observation, she took it as criticism and was overwhelmed by uncontrollable anxiety.  She took the day off, went to her P, who then walked her across the street to the hospital and admitted her.  She was in the hospital two weeks, was granted a medical release from her contract.  She claimed short-term disability for awhile, and then a social worker helped her reinstate federal disability. 

I feel the best scenario here would be for the same thing to happen.  She should probably resist going to the hospital as she would be away from the kids, but if she quits without going to the hospital, she then sits at home alone in a negative spiral while the kids are at school.  Her leaving the job then becomes "medical reasons", saving her some shame.

Me sitting here as a non-disordered person I can think of many things she could do or the school could do to help.  The school probably already has done those things, just that W interprets them negatively.  I would coach a non-disordered person to try and get through one day, don't attempt to much, don't expect perfection, don't be afraid to ask for help or say "no", take deep breaths and know that it could be worse...for a pwBPD those things are impossible. 

[thankful person]

My wife hasn’t worked for a few years while raising our family, apart from her dog boarding business she runs from home. But when she was in the workforce, these were the patterns I observed all the time, her jobs didn’t last long and there were lengthy gaps between them, sickness or injury, and lack of attendance. She would usually pick a couple of colleagues she really liked but then fall out with them or the boss. Sometimes her “friends” had their own mental health issues and would treat her badly, but other times they were just regular people who didn’t reply to her messages immediately.

Sadly my wife also enrolled in many college courses over the years but has little to show for it due to dropping out from finding the work too hard, personal differences, mental health problems, or being kicked out for poor behaviour and attendance.

My wife also seems to purposefully sabotage anything good even if it doesn’t involve relationships with other people. She has recently cancelled a hair appointment and her plans to join a new church, because people are dropping off their dogs here. This doesn’t seem like a big deal unless you know how difficult and time-consuming it is for her to organise such things. She is trying to make me feel guilty for arranging work on the days my mother’s not here next week, because now she can’t book her hair appointment for those days. Sorry not sorry I’m not going to be working during the few days my mother is welcome here this year!

[thankful person]

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[maxsterling]

She told me yesterday that she wants to quit because the job makes her "suicidal".  This is much more serious than simply that the job causes stress or anxiety.  This is also the second time since I have met her that this happened, and I assume this has happened with previous jobs.  I don't see anything particularly out of the ordinary with this job - in fact the staff and administration seems much more accommodating than in her previous jobs.   That tells me that the only way she could possibly work is in a position where there are no repercussions if she decides not to show up for work or quit on short notice, and one where she does not have to deal with as many people.

I did suggest that she consider in-patient care or an IOP program should she decide to quit - because that would mean her simply being at home by herself while the kids attend school, with her former boss living just a couple streets over.  A few days ago her T suggested she give it more time and that things tend to get easier.  I am guessing she did not tell T that she was suicidal, because I don't think that would be wise advice to give to someone that fragile. 

She asked my advice, and I was more realistic, saying that she can't count on the job itself getting easier and that for things to feel easier requires a change in mindset on her part.  I did suggest that if she could think of things the school could do to alleviate some stress, she could approach her principal with her situation and ideas and see if he can work with her. 

The long and short here is that if she is truly suicidal, that takes #1 precedence.