Desperately need advice

[Daisy P.]

Hi, I found this site while I was searching for anything that would help me with what I'm going through with my sister. I've ready many posts and they have helped me greatly. I've now read the book Walking on Eggshells and I'm now trying to draft a text to my sister and I'm terrified, stressed out, and need some feedback. This is going to be a long explanation because I'm totally at my wits end, sorry.

Some background on is: we were both very abused, poor, and neglected as children but dealt with it differently. I turned to therapy, studying, learning, moving out on my own at 15, working my ass off to finish school, trying to grow and change what I could. She turned to drugs, alcohol, and one dependent relationship after another. I'm definitely not in much of a better mental state than she is internally, I just know that it's mine, so I've learned to not take it out on others. She is undiagnosed, haughty, and blames everyone and everything for her problems. I did have to cut her out of my life for many years because of the addictive behavior and my enabling role as her savior and surrogate mother.

She has gotten herself off the drugs and alcohol so we reconnected about 15 years ago. At first it was great, we were happy to be sisters again. But as her life continued to have one major problem after another (failed jobs, friends on drugs, failed relationships) and my life slowly stabilized and I've created a career, friend group, and wonderfully boring life for myself, our relationship has slowly deteriorated as she has rewritten history and now believes that I didn't suffer as much as she did as a child. I don't try to correct her, stand up for myself, or tell her my experiences because it just becomes a competition.

We are now in our fifties and for the past 2-3 years it's become entirely about her. She doesn't ever even ask how I am, has no idea what's happening my life, and only reaches out to me when she needs money. Of course she never out right asks for money, but as she goes on and on about her financial troubles, and if I don't offer, then I am attacked for not being there for her, and that I should have known if I really cared about her. I have leant her money multiple times, and she does indeed pay it back, but I'm on a teacher's salary and a tight budget. I do what I can when I can because I know what we went through and I know why she is the way she is.

Right now, however, things have come to a head and I don't know what to do or say. She has had a spinal injury that is causing her to go numb in her hands and legs. She is terrified and angry at the universe, and so, of course, I have become the punching bag. She is getting an injection in 2 months that is supposed to fix the pinched nerve issue, but in the meantime she can't work and needs money to get through the next few months.

I sent her $200, had groceries delivered to her, offered to help her fill out all her paperwork, talk to her doctors, whatever I could do since I'm across the country. She at first was grateful, but then became enraged that I hadn't jumped on a plane to come out and help her. She has friends helping her, so I explained that I can't afford last minute plane tickets, but that I could plan ahead and come out when she has the injection that we are hoping works. She then became angry that I would spend the money on a plane ticket instead of just giving her that cash (I'd be buying the ticket with a credit card then slowly paying it off). She then told me all she needs is someone to cosign a loan for her so she can get through these months. Of course this is all dispersed amongst random texts of accusations and attacks of how I don't really care about her.

Before I found this site and did the reading, I stupidly tried to stand up for myself and I "defended and explained" and told her that in order for us to continue I need to be spoken to with respect and dignity. Of course that backfired so I did try to cut her off again, but I'm just so worried about her physical health right now. She's is threatening suicide one minute, then the next saying she can't do that until her cat dies because she can't leave him, but after that she has nothing to live for.

After a couple of days of me trying to ignore her, I reached out again and told her I was too worried about her. Again, we seemed to be in an okay spot, I was helping her try to weed through the disability forms and, I thought, being an emotional support.

Then the cosigning of the loan came up again and I told her lovingly that I wish I had unlimited funds to give her, that I would help her if I could, but that I couldn't cosign on a 6,000.00 personal loan, that it would put me in a dangerous position of not being able to help myself if something happened to me. Her response was, "I know, I wasn't asking you."

Then when a mere 24 hours went by with me suffering from a sinus infection, so not texting with her all day every day, she just brutally brutally attacked. "How could I think she would ever default on the loan." "This is crunch time " "This isn't the time for any of this psychology b.s." How I don't care about her at all, etc, etc etc. (I'm leaving out the really rude words and accusations because I can't even repeat them.) She sent a disturbing crying video message to me of her physical lameness. This is all text and video, so I had to block her because they hurt to much, and I was starting to not be able to sleep, and the sound of my phone dinging was making me sick to my stomach. I'm worried, I feel for her, I'm definitely in the F. O. G. stage. How can I leave her when she is in this state? If I'm being honest, I can't believe I'm even admitting this, I can't feel that love I used to have for her. All I feel is anxiety, sadness, and frankly that she didn't give a rats ass about me. I want to help her through this physical crisis, but then I'm going to rethink if I want to continue this relationship. It's only about me serving.

So, sorry, after that long intro, what I want to do is unblock her and send her a text that I've drafted based on the reading I've done.

Here is the draft and I would welcome any any advice at all.

"Hi ____, I did get your video and I know you are very scared and that may be causing you to act out. You are in my mind constantly and I love you. When the texts began to hurt me too much, I had to block them for a while. Just so you know, when I unblock, whatever you have sent doesn't get saved and then come through, they just disappear. This saves my heart from having to read things that are hurting me deeply. I will unblock and check on you periodically, but I will have to reblock if the texts become hurtful again. You should be receiving a food delivery today, and I've been trying to get ahold of your doctor to see if things can be sped up, but he is very busy so it's taking a while. I love you and will stay in communication as much as I can."

Thanks for reading and for any input.

[livednlearned]

Hi DP, welcome and hello 

Your sister is in a lot of pain and it's tough to stand by and watch family members hurt. She's threatening suicide and has a turbulent life that makes it hard for her to make her way to stability and financial security. She's also abusive and lacks empathy, and that's a type of pain many of us here can identify with: family bonds that feel like obligations, plus grief when our loved ones don't or won't act like family.

I guess the question is what your goal is? Do you want to continue helping her with resources (money, food, etc.)? Do you want to help her with your time (calling health care professionals, problem solving)?

A lot of us with dysfunctional families carry tremendous guilt (or fear, obligation, guilt = FOG), and we try to negotiate peace with people who aren't wired for it. Sometimes the best we can do is to not make it worse.

It seems like your message is to justify, argue, defend, explain (JADE) in the hopes she will be nicer or more grateful. Yet, she seems incapable for now.

Would you be ok if she blocked you while she went through this challenging time? Sometimes pwBPD feel abandoned even when people are helping. Do you think even if you had money and time she would appreciate what you were giving her?

[Daisy P.]

Hi LivedNlearned,

Thanks for your reply, a lot to think about.

Yes, it would hurt if she blocked me, but do I just continue to take the abuse since she is so much pain? I will if it's the right thing to do, but the things she is saying are so horrific that I'm not sure I'll be able to recover from them. I spent my life getting over abuse like that, and still deal with it's fallout.

I do want to help in the ways I can. I really do. But money seems to be the only thing she wants, and the one thing I don't have. But because I am stable compared to her, she doesn't believe me. She thinks I'm just holding out. I can give her my time and help which I know she's needs. I've spoken with her doctor and she isn't quite grasping his prognosis since she's so emotional.

If I had unlimited funds?  Once I got her through this crisis, she would indeed want and need more, and it would never be enough. She has in the past wanted to come live with me in my 1 bedroom apartment, sleep on my couch, and she can't believe that I would put a 3 month time limit on it.

I know the empty crushing need she has. I know the pain of not having a parent when we were growing up. I know that she sees me as her mother who doesn't love her because I'm not 100% taking care off her and that this is repeating the pain we went through as kids. I feel horrible about it.

I guess my goal is to help her through this. I know that this situation isn't one of her self created ones. So I guess I  just do what I would do, but not communicate? Just do what I can from the background?

[TelHill]

Hello Daisy and welcome!

I am very sorry to hear about your situation and your sister's illness.  It sounds like you are doing a lot for her from a long distance. You have set some boundaries you feel comfortable with (refusing to cosign a personal loan and saying no to moving in, but purchasing groceries and helping to secure needed medical care). 

My elderly and disabled BPD mom says whatever is on her mind. It's chaotic and can be irrational. It's often verbally abusive. It doesn't take much for this to happen. When she's under the weather or very stressed, the abuse escalates and is pretty scary. It sounds like your sister act similarly.

It's helped me not to get caught up in her impulsive and changing beliefs. I take a step back and try to rationally look at the situation. What I can do, what can she do herself and what resources she has from others who can help her.  This will truly help her.

My bpd mom has always had issues ever since I can remember. I know she had a terrible childhood. She grew up during a war with not much to eat. She had to hide from gun shots and bombs to stay alive. I feel awful for her and wish I could erase this past for her. I want a better life for her. 

It's good to be careful of the communications you send to her if you decide to reach out. Asking my BPD mom to not to be volatile gets me abuse,  word salad and high drama. She says I'm the problem.  It doesn't resolve anything.  It leads to frustration and gets her jacked up even more.

I've trained myself to wait at least for 15 minutes to calm down and decide on an action when getting an upsetting text.  You can block all of them or read the texts and respond to specific ones only.

[Daisy P.]

Thank you TelHil,

Your story helps and I hope I can be as strong as you someday. Right now all her words are hurting me so badly. I know that my past abuse causes me to be too sensitive, but I don't know if I can handle it. She knows how to go straight for my jugular.

When I wait to respond she freaks out even more, like endless voice texting diatribes that just go on and on, like 4,5,6 in a row that are paragraphs long. She basically recording herself going off on me. Do I just respond as if she didn't say any of it?

I don't where the line is between tolerating it and removing myself from an abusive situation. I'm going to try very hard to not take her words personally. Not sure if I can.

[Tangled mangled]

In addition to what others have said, if I was in your situation, I would restrict communication to just emails.

She can send you endless rants and you can choose to delete them.
I can relate to growing up poor and working hard to achieve stability. I have learned the hard way not to jump into my family’s problems- if they don’t ask for help I don’t get involved. If they ask for help I only give a fraction of what’s needed.

In the past I use to jump in to carry the weight even before they ask. I only got validated when I was serving and nothing was ever enough.

Remember that in dealing with loved ones who suffer from bpd: you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it.
The only control you have is over your self.

[livednlearned]

I don't where the line is between tolerating it and removing myself from an abusive situation.

You summarized so elegantly what the crux is for many of us with BPD loved ones.

The line between tolerance and removal is often based on our capacity, and also our values, and that line is tricky because it can shift. And there are no right answers. What I am willing to tolerate might be different than what you want to tolerate, and both are right.

What's important is that you check in with your needs and wants and values because as you point out, her wants and needs are seemingly endless. You have to have boundaries in the relationship otherwise there are none. Nothing good happens in a relationship with no boundaries because that leads to a mental illness-fueled mutual relationship.

She is understandably scared and her stress levels will be high, and people with BPD don't do stress well.

I found it is more effective to set non-verbal boundaries. Your sister might be too dysregulated right now to feel anything but fury, even if she were to get her way, so setting boundaries won't necessarily change her behaviors but it will begin to outline what the rules of engagement are.  

One thing I learned having BPD people in my life is that the more you give, the weaker they perceive you to be. When you are fully committed to your boundary and refuse to budge, there may be a test (sometimes called an extinction burst or counter move) to see if the boundary really as solid as it appears to be. If you cave during the test, then the next time you try to assert that boundary the test will be even worse because last time her test worked so a bit more should work even better.

I guess the question is whether you want to enact non-verbal boundaries (just change your behaviors) or send something to her that describes the boundary. Either way, don't expect her to help honor the boundary, especially now while she's in free fall. It has to be a boundary you can enforce whether she agrees with it or not.

[Daisy P.]

Thank you all so much, it really helped. I was just asking myself that today, Tangled Mangled, how much do I want to "carry" her (even if I could).

I just finished Stop Caretaking The Borderline, and, man! I am so so so the caretaker, described me to a tee, even my career. Even when we were kids, that was my role in the family, and my romantic relationships end up this way too. I pick NPs of course! I'm learning so much.

Based on everyone's good advice and my reading, I know I need to really focus on myself much much more. I need to even learn HOW to take care of myself. It feels so weird to even say that, like I'm selfish. I've got a lot of work to do, so I'm going to shift my energy for a while. I will feel guilty either way, so I might as well choose the path that might teach me I don't HAVE to feel guilty in the long run.

I can't thank you all enough for taking the time to read and reply to a total stranger.