Doing well but want to know if this the way

[sam_the_wise]

I on advice of a therapist is am practicing meditation and observe how I feel physically and mentally when she says hurtful things and try to remain calm. For instance today she compared me to her freind’s husband and said she wanted a manly man like her husband and I am impotent. These are her words on the message she sent and later when I called she said I have been an impotent man. Shraddha is her friend.

“I want what Shraddha has. That has always been my idea of marriage and family.
A dependable, responsible, mature, and protective man who can be the father of my children.
But since you’re none of that with me, you can’t be the father of my children, and that dream is slowly dying with each passing day.”

I observed my face getting hot and heart beat racing and I didn’t defend or fight back. I now see this as things said to me to motivate me. I also see it as her expression of hopelessness as I lack those qualities. I told her I understand how you feel and I know it is because of lack of qualities in me. I am working on it and will improve and I am sorry that you have to suffer meanwhile. I also have found a therapist who doesn’t empathize with how hurt I am on contrary tells me to not feel sorry for myself and man up. I am told I am man, I am not supposed to get hurt, especially when I lack man like characteristics of protection, my wife has right to say compare me and whatever she wants to say in her emotions, all of it is true as well. If I am not being there for her I am emotionally absent on top of being unmanly and “not-protective”. So,  I now listen to all this, say sorry and thank her for bearing with me and work on being manly.


Is this how it is done? Is this empathizing?

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[sam_the_wise]

Nevermind I lost it. She criticized me for social drinking and connected to how non protective I am and l lost it. I yelled. I told her that if I am not suitable to be father you are not suitable to be mother, your kids will be serial killers with a overly critical mother like you. I am still fuming and angry and I think I am going to be punished for this later.

[thankful person]

It’s a process, look after yourself as you would a small child, tell yourself you’re doing your best in impossible circumstances. We should not have to put up with this abuse and we don’t deserve it. It’s understandable that you got pushed over the edge and we’ve all said things we regret in a moment of anger, but with a pwbpd this can cause worse problems than it would for a regular person. I generally find it counter-intuitive to fight back these days, but yes my wife does still push me over the edge at times, even just a couple of months ago. Be kind to yourself and don’t give up.

[sam_the_wise]

I never have guts to just break it. I am starting to come down and feel guilty.

[FarDrop77]

I am working on it and will improve and I am sorry that you have to suffer meanwhile. I also have found a therapist who doesn’t empathize with how hurt I am on contrary tells me to not feel sorry for myself and man up. I am told I am man, I am not supposed to get hurt, especially when I lack man like characteristics of protection, my wife has right to say compare me and whatever she wants to say in her emotions, all of it is true as well. If I am not being there for her I am emotionally absent on top of being unmanly and “not-protective”. So,  I now listen to all this, say sorry and thank her for bearing with me and work on being manly.


Is this how it is done? Is this empathizing?

I'm confused as to what makes your wife think you're not manly and not protective.  And why does your therapist think you haven't "manned up" enough?  It doesn't sound very therapist-like to agree with the things a pwbpd says when they are splitting.  Or is that more your interpretation of what they said?

[sam_the_wise]

It is about how I am not emotionally available and how I don’t rise up the occasion whenever she is expressing herself. In everyone’s opinion I am a looser who can not even take responsibility of my own mistake.