Brother with BPD, controlling our dad

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post. I am pretty sure my brother has BPD (along with other mental health issues, he was diagnosed with bipolar as a teenager I believe and hospitalized). He refuses to get help or take any medications. Growing up he would have angry outbursts and my parents would just give in to his demands to maintain peace.

Some background, our mom had Bipolar disorder so it was a very chaotic and unstable household. She had attempted suicide multiple times, multiple of which were witnessed by both me and my brother. She recently passed away (not via suicide) so its been a really tough situation all around.

My brother's BPD symptoms have escalated since then. He has grown increasingly paranoid and controlling. He lives with my dad and has angry outbursts over nothing frequently. He had "rules" and "schedules" around various things like phone calls, visits etc for a year. My dad gave into it, partly to maintain peace and party because he was grieving his wife.

A month ago things escalated to the point where I had to go over to their house and call the cops. I mentioned we needed mental health support as my brother was at one point diagnosed with something. He heard me talking to the cops and accused me of having an agenda. Essentially cops brought up family therapy and gave us some resources and left. I stayed with my brother for hours after our dad went to bed, listening and validating his feelings. Even in that conversation he accused me of having an agenda.

After that incident, my dad had been not giving into his angry outbursts / demands and doing his own thing. But I think things are back to how they were (with my dad giving into my brothers unreasonable demands) in the last few days.

My brother and I were not close growing up but we were getting closer over the last couple of years as we opened up about how hard it was growing up in our chaotic household. But over the past few months, he has been having angry outbursts with me as well. He told me I was being manipulated and brainwashed by my in-laws (who are essentially like parents to me).

Couple of days ago he got angry at me for not following one of his "rules." He called me furious telling me how I am the villain of his story and how I am the reason him and my dad have not gotten along. He threatened to create conflict between me and my in-laws / husband.

I had planned to see my dad this week for dinner at my dad's house (which my dad ran by my brother) but my brother now is saying no and how it was never confirmed. How plans were changed and how that was not okay. Which leads me to believe that he is once again being controlling and my dad is giving into it to maintain peace.

I have talked to my dad about his before and have said that me and my husband will take care of him as he gets older and he has choices. I have reiterated that if he ever feels unsafe he needs to call me or the authorities. My dad understands and has said he has a responsibility as a father towards my brother and can't abandon him. He has said that my mom was the same way and he knows how difficult that is.

My dad has also said that after he is gone, I should not feel responsible for my brother. He has told me to focus on my relationship with my husband and my own family that I have created.

I just feel so stuck. I want to continue having a relationship with my dad because I love him dearly but that requires me to give into my brother's demands and outbursts. I have been slowly decreasing my contact with my brother and at this point I feel like the best way is to cut off ties. But I cannot do that as long as my dad and brother live together.

Would love some insight and help.

[anon123]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post. I am pretty sure my brother has BPD (along with other mental health issues, he was diagnosed with bipolar as a teenager I believe and hospitalized). He refuses to get help or take any medications. Growing up he would have angry outbursts and my parents would just give in to his demands to maintain peace.

Some background, our mom had Bipolar disorder so it was a very chaotic and unstable household. She had attempted suicide multiple times, multiple of which were witnessed by both me and my brother. She recently passed away (not via suicide) so its been a really tough situation all around.

My brother's BPD symptoms have escalated since then. He has grown increasingly paranoid and controlling. He lives with my dad and has angry outbursts over nothing frequently. He had "rules" and "schedules" around various things like phone calls, visits etc for a year. My dad gave into it, partly to maintain peace and party because he was grieving his wife.

A month ago things escalated to the point where I had to go over to their house and call the cops. I mentioned we needed mental health support as my brother was at one point diagnosed with something. He heard me talking to the cops and accused me of having an agenda. Essentially cops brought up family therapy and gave us some resources and left. I stayed with my brother for hours after our dad went to bed, listening and validating his feelings. Even in that conversation he accused me of having an agenda.

After that incident, my dad had been not giving into his angry outbursts / demands and doing his own thing. But I think things are back to how they were (with my dad giving into my brothers unreasonable demands) in the last few days.

My brother and I were not close growing up but we were getting closer over the last couple of years as we opened up about how hard it was growing up in our chaotic household. But over the past few months, he has been having angry outbursts with me as well. He told me I was being manipulated and brainwashed by my in-laws (who are essentially like parents to me).

Couple of days ago he got angry at me for not following one of his "rules." He called me furious telling me how I am the villain of his story and how I am the reason him and my dad have not gotten along. He threatened to create conflict between me and my in-laws / husband.

I had planned to see my dad this week for dinner at my dad's house (which my dad ran by my brother) but my brother now is saying no and how it was never confirmed. How plans were changed and how that was not okay. Which leads me to believe that he is once again being controlling and my dad is giving into it to maintain peace.

I have talked to my dad about his before and have said that me and my husband will take care of him as he gets older and he has choices. I have reiterated that if he ever feels unsafe he needs to call me or the authorities. My dad understands and has said he has a responsibility as a father towards my brother and can't abandon him. He has said that my mom was the same way and he knows how difficult that is.

My dad has also said that after he is gone, I should not feel responsible for my brother. He has told me to focus on my relationship with my husband and my own family that I have created.

I just feel so stuck. I want to continue having a relationship with my dad because I love him dearly but that requires me to give into my brother's demands and outbursts. I have been slowly decreasing my contact with my brother and at this point I feel like the best way is to cut off ties. But I cannot do that as long as my dad and brother live together.

Would love some insight and help.

[kells76]

Hi anon123;

Ouch -- I hear the hurt in your story. When pwPDs (people with personality disorders, whether full-blown/diagnosed or "just" traits and behaviors) do relationships, control is often involved. It seems like when you're part of a family system where BPD is at play, you can't just have normal independent relationships. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

There's sometimes a rigidity around how pwBPD do family roles and relational roles, and I wonder if it's because pwBPD struggle to have a sense of self truly coming from the inside. So, to stabilize chaotic emotions and an unstable sense of self, if they can make everyone around them "play their part", perhaps that gives stability.

It can be helpful to learn more about the Karpman Drama Triangle as one model for how relationship interactions happen when a family member has BPD. Take a look at that thread and let us know your thoughts -- I'm wondering if sometimes you want to rescue your dad from your brother?

Is your brother younger or older?

And one more question came to mind here:

He threatened to create conflict between me and my in-laws / husband.

How is your relationship with your H and his family? I wonder if you could give them a heads up ahead of time -- wouldn't have to be lengthy -- that your brother is having some challenges and may try to tell them things about you, and if they ever have any questions, the door is always open with you and you'll answer them.

Sometimes we fear that the pwBPD in our lives are so persuasive and powerful that others will believe them right off the bat. This isn't always the case.

anon123, fill us in on how things have been for you these last few days, whenever works for you. And again, welcome;

kells76

[zachira]

I have a BPD brother who lived with my mother. He lived with her until she passed away. I have found that the boundary that works best with my brother is to only be around him when I am with people he wants to look good in front of and are people he would be ashamed to witness his angry outbursts and other disordered behaviors. Do you think that this could possibly work with your brother?

[TelHill]

My brother (older by 6 yrs) has a PD of some sort, perhaps BPD, but does not have loud, impulsive outbursts like my d(untreated) BPD mother.  He is passive aggressive and our father is still alive.

Another boundary would be to ignore gossip he tells you.   Don't agree or disagree. Do gray rock.  He can easily tell an unsuspecting relative or friend you were gossiping about them to make you look bad. I have experienced this, unfortunately.