Cynical partner

[Winterberry]

How do I comfort/support my partner with bpd when he’s feeling suicidal and hopeless when he argues back at everything I say? I try to just listen, tell him the positives, reassure him, everything but he says I’m not good at helping him. I understand it’s not my responsibility but I’m the one he talks about it to so I want to help the best I can. He’s very blunt and cold and sometimes mean when he feels like this but I look past it and I just want to help him. What kind of things should I say?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[maxsterling]

Welcome to my world.  My W spirals downward at least every other week, the exact same spiral about the exact same things, and I have grown very tired and impatient at listening to the same complaints, especially since the time she spends complaining and the time I spend hearing her complaints could be used to solve the problem she is complaining about.  The problem with BPD is the black/white thinking.  When she is in a negative spiral, EVERTHING must be negative and interrelated, meaning it is nearly impossible to get her to look at "the bright side" of anything. 

So what do I do?  I let her complain (vent) for awhile, trying to not take anything personally.  I try to validate things that are valid, and at avoid invalidation at all costs.  Telling her to "look at the bright side" is invalidating because to her there is no "bright side".  If she starts becoming insulting towards me, I let her know I will not stay and listen if that happens AND BE FIRM.  After she has vented for a period of time (15-30 minutes) I can usually try to help her break things into pieces, at that point I can help get her out of the whirlpool by finding one step she can work on. 

But I would say my success rate is 25% or below.  Many times she just needs to wallow and come out of it on her own or take a Xanax.  And if I don't have the patience or time to listen to her complain, I recognize I am not obligated to sit and listen to it, and there is nothing wrong with me taking care of myself or the things I need to do.  Sometimes I won't answer the phone when I know all she will do is complain to me.  Sometimes in the middle of her downward spiral I will excuse myself to the restroom first validating how bad she is feeling, then apologizing for having to step away, then explaining I have been having digestive issues all day.  Usually when I come out of the restroom, she has lost her train of thought or has gotten buried in her phone. 

[kells76]

Hi Winterberry;

I'm so sorry you're going through this with your partner right now. That sounds deeply stressful for both of you. I think I hear you just wanting to help and be supportive, yet even though you've tried being positive and reassuring, he says those aren't helpful.

One un-intuitive aspect of someone feeling suicidal is that sometimes (it depends on the situation) they really want to be understood.

Suicidal ideation doesn't happen because the person forgot about the good parts of life. Often, people with suicidal thoughts, instead of wanting to be told "but life is actually so good", would like someone to understand how hopeless they feel.

It can be inadvertently invalidating to tell someone with suicidal thoughts "but you have so much to live for" or "why not look on the bright side instead".

I wonder how it would go to try, instead of being positive and reassuring, to validate how he is feeling, without trying to do any "reminders" or "pick-me-ups"?

...

So in the past, maybe it went like:

Him: I just want to die. I don't want to be alive any more. It's all too much.

You: Babe, I get it, but there's so much more to life if you can just make it through -- I believe in you!

...

Now, maybe it could go more like:

Him: I just want to die. I don't want to be alive any more. It's all too much.

You: You must be overwhelmed. Anyone in your position could feel that way. It does sounds like too much.

...

What do you think?

...

In the meantime, we do have a suicidal ideation protocol here on site; plus, you could check out the Lifeline site for more resources.

Keep us posted on how you two are doing;

kells76

[maxsterling]

You: Babe, I get it, but there's so much more to life if you can just make it through -- I believe in you!

With my W, she is really feeling bad about herself for her own failures, even if she doesn't say it or says the opposite by blaming others.  If I told her something like this, she interprets this as her inability to "make it through" as another personal failure and another way she is letting others down. 

Right now my W is feeling suicidal about her job.  She is a very insecure person and constantly compares herself to others and wonders how her co-workers are handling the stress yet she can't.  This turns into self-loathing and worthless feelings. I have been handling this by asking for narrative about what is happening, and trying to validate what she is feeling:

"wow, they are asking a lot of you."
"I see how hard you have been working and how much you want to succeed.  Its hard for anyone to work so hard at something and not see positive returns."
"Where I work, many of the things you are describing are the responsibility of my manager or HR staff, placing them upon you is an extra burden that keeps you from being effective at your job."

These things are true statements no matter if Ws poor attitude is exasperating the situation.

[thankful person]

As someone who’s suffered from depression and suicidal thoughts, I think the idea of “making it through” Is far too much pressure, it’s like telling an alcoholic they’ll be fine “as long as you never drink again…” They talk about taking things “one day at a time”, but even the idea of one day can feel unbearable when your job is a struggle and colleagues have it in for you (this was all too real for me unfortunately). Being there with the suicidal person and being there for them through their pain could be more valuable than talking about any kind of future, when any kind of future is terrifying. I’m no expert but as I said these are my thoughts from personal experience.