Broke up with partner with untreated BPD

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Had 4 months of hell with my pwBPD. Was physically and mentally abused, worst time of my life. Have 2 kids she didn’t give a damn just kept on the abuse and mood swings in front of them. Now the split is over and she is a good girl again, starting therapy next month.

I told her it’s over. After 6 years second time i break up w her. Can’t love like this anymore. She has a demon on her shoulder and when it comes out she Will destroy anything in her path. We still live together as I need to sort out what to do, help with finances and the kids. She is on her best behaviour right now trying to get me back.

Anyone been in a similar position? Or have any suggestions on what I should do? Should I wait to see of the therapy helps or changes her?

[Overthetop]

Had 4 months of hell with my pwBPD. Was physically and mentally abused, worst time of my life. Have 2 kids she didn’t give a damn just kept on the abuse and mood swings in front of them. Now the split is over and she is a good girl again, starting therapy next month.

I told her it’s over. After 6 years second time i break up w her. Can’t love like this anymore. She has a demon on her shoulder and when it comes out she Will destroy anything in her path. We still live together as I need to sort out what to do, help with finances and the kids. She is on her best behaviour right now trying to get me back.

Anyone been in a similar position? Or have any suggestions on what I should do? Should I wait to see of the therapy helps or changes her?

[capecodling]

She has a demon on her shoulder and when it comes out she Will destroy anything in her path.

Anyone been in a similar position? Or have any suggestions on what I should do? Should I wait to see of the therapy helps or changes her?

Mine felt like a demon was running her too.  At times it would be there and it felt like there was an actual demon possessing her.  Then it would be gone and the sweet girl would be back.  I never really believed much in demons, but it describes how she was exactly.  I even had photos of both versions of her (before I deleted all the photos) and you couldn’t even recognize her because she would shape-shift so much between the “demon” and “angel” versions of her.  I showed the photos to several friends who couldn’t tell it was the same woman in each set of photos.

As for therapy.  Look, I hope the therapy helps your ex, I really
do.  One of my best friends whose mom was a BPD said to me when I asked about therapy (when I was where you were - recently broken up but hoping therapy could save things.) My friend put it like this: “She needed to be in therapy for 15 years BEFORE she met you for there to be a fighting chance and it would still be a very difficult relationship.”  

I’m not sitting here saying that people can’t heal, in fact I think they can, but for some reason most BPDs seem like they don’t want to get better, that’s the main problem.  They’ll make a big show of going to therapy when you threaten to leave but the person who truly wants to get better would have already been taking action on their own before they met you, not NOT when you threaten to leave them or have already left.  Its already too late at that stage.

[EyesUp]

OTT, Welcome.

Do you share the kids with your pwBPD?  i.e., is she the kids' bio mom?  If so, my advice is to slow your roll while you get acquainted here and carefully consider next steps.

In fact, whether your pwBPD is your kids' bio mom or not, you need to immediately focus on the best interest of the kids. 

These situations are highly individual, but framing the situation this way might help you gain conviction re: next steps - no matter what you decide to do.

Always putting your kids first will also be a boon to them and ultimately to you when/if you decide to separate and there are legal concerns. 

Assuming your pwBPD is the kids' bio mom, I suggest the following:
- passwords and security on your phone immediately
- discretely begin to interview attorneys who litigate family law and who are familiar with high conflict cases
- discretely begin to protect whatever assets you've got - before you formally separate
- discretely begin to consider what separation looks like - who goes where - and what resources you might need to make this happe
- be prepared for false allegations.  not a bad idea to have a voice recorder going 24/7

If this sounds like scare tactics or the sort of conflict you'd like to avoid, I'm right there with you.  However, considering this stuff in advance will help you decide what you want to do, and what you need to do - and you'll prepared if worse comes to worst.

To answer your question, yes, I do think it's fair to support your pwBPD with therapy and give her some time.  The way she handles it may also help focus and frame your decision re: next steps, and also give you some assurance that you've explored all possible options. 

My advice is:  Don't think of this as a one-dimensional situation, i.e., "let's try therapy and see how it goes" - instead, while she's in therapy - you should be too.  As well as carefully considering and taking action on some of the things suggested above.  Do it in parallel.  Make sure you have resources for YOU and also for your kids. 

The best outcome will be when you can look after yourself and your kids - not just your pwBPD.

[Overthetop]

Mine felt like a demon was running her too.  At times it would be there and it felt like there was an actual demon possessing her.  Then it would be gone and the sweet girl would be back.  I never really believed much in demons, but it describes how she was exactly.  I even had photos of both versions of her (before I deleted all the photos) and you couldn’t even recognize her because she would shape-shift so much between the “demon” and “angel” versions of her.  I showed the photos to several friends who couldn’t tell it was the same woman in each set of photos.

As for therapy.  Look, I hope the therapy helps your ex, I really
do.  One of my best friends whose mom was a BPD said to me when I asked about therapy (when I was where you were - recently broken up but hoping therapy could save things.) My friend put it like this: “She needed to be in therapy for 15 years BEFORE she met you for there to be a fighting chance and it would still be a very difficult relationship.”  

I’m not sitting here saying that people can’t heal, in fact I think they can, but for some reason most BPDs seem like they don’t want to get better, that’s the main problem.  They’ll make a big show of going to therapy when you threaten to leave but the person who truly wants to get better would have already been taking action on their own before they met you, not NOT when you threaten to leave them or have already left.  Its already too late at that stage.

Thanks for sharing. I think the word ”demon” is a term to describe traits that are totally crazy from the girl we think we actually know. But I have accepted that this is a part of her and not like before trying to fix it or avoid it by walking on eggshells.

Yes me too I have been thinking if she really want this therapy or it’s just a theatre to make me stay. Problem is she have lied about things before so I don’t know or trust her. But right now I have to stay for a while, let’s see how things develop. Atleast the demon is of her shoulders now and I can have some peace of mind while she is trying to show me that she is a good girl and get me back.

Thanks again for sharing your experience

[Overthetop]

OTT, Welcome.

Do you share the kids with your pwBPD?  i.e., is she the kids' bio mom?  If so, my advice is to slow your roll while you get acquainted here and carefully consider next steps.

Answer: Yes she is the bio mom. I am slowly detaching my role as a partner. I am not as emotional with her and stop having sex with her. It’s very hard as we almost live like we did before. But with the sexual and emotional detachment we no longer fight and I feel I have some power back. She is treating me really good and trying to seduce me into sleeping w her. Before she used emotions and sex as a control strategy, with being ”on” and ”off”. Anyhow now we are atleast friends and no fights in front of the kids.

In fact, whether your pwBPD is your kids' bio mom or not, you need to immediately focus on the best interest of the kids. 

These situations are highly individual, but framing the situation this way might help you gain conviction re: next steps - no matter what you decide to do.

Always putting your kids first will also be a boon to them and ultimately to you when/if you decide to separate and there are legal concerns. 

Answer: Yes that is what I am doing. I love her but I have become mentally damage by all the abuse and control. I am scared to damage the kids brains and create a wrong modeling for their future relationships.

Assuming your pwBPD is the kids' bio mom, I suggest the following:
- passwords and security on your phone immediately
- discretely begin to interview attorneys who litigate family law and who are familiar with high conflict cases
- discretely begin to protect whatever assets you've got - before you formally separate
- discretely begin to consider what separation looks like - who goes where - and what resources you might need to make this happe
- be prepared for false allegations.  not a bad idea to have a voice recorder going 24/7

If this sounds like scare tactics or the sort of conflict you'd like to avoid, I'm right there with you.  However, considering this stuff in advance will help you decide what you want to do, and what you need to do - and you'll prepared if worse comes to worst.

Thanks for the advice. I will look this up. My own brain is tricking me if all of this is neccesary. I know because she is on the good side now. But if she splits on me I don’t actually know what she is capable of anymore.

To answer your question, yes, I do think it's fair to support your pwBPD with therapy and give her some time.  The way she handles it may also help focus and frame your decision re: next steps, and also give you some assurance that you've explored all possible options. 

Answer: yes that is what I thought aswell. To let her start therapy and play it cool. Keep my detachment and see how it goes. I joined a support group and I will ask them if they have any suggestions of good therapists for me. Thanks a lot for the advice which I will follow.
My advice is:  Don't think of this as a one-dimensional situation, i.e., "let's try therapy and see how it goes" - instead, while she's in therapy - you should be too.  As well as carefully considering and taking action on some of the things suggested above.  Do it in parallel.  Make sure you have resources for YOU and also for your kids. 

The best outcome will be when you can look after yourself and your kids - not just your pwBPD.

Answer: Yes problem is she has the advantage because we live in her hometown. I am trying to get some resources such as money and perhaps  for a place to live. But right now I know that I need to help with good and rent etc for my kids to have roof over their head and a good life until she have a good job. So as long as we are on good terms it’s okey for me.

The other day she was crying, regretful of all the things she done to me. She said that she has a fear inside that I Will abandon her. So she treats me bad all these years so I can leave her and she can relax. Even though deep inside she don’t want me to leave and loves me she is triggering that. I don’t know I can’t be a doormat and accept abuse and punishment because someone is scared of abandonment? Say she understand why I can’t continue this but she is thankful that I convinced her to go to therapy. Maybe one day she Will heal she Said.

I know the kids have it betterwhen we are together but when she splits its damaging for the whole family and somehow I became her trigger to lash out on.

Thanks for your time and advice. Much love.