Found father after almost 30 years, unsure about his personality

[Sappho11]

There's always something.

I decided to be compassionate in the face of my father's health fears and told him I was thinking of that Zen proverb "It is nonsensical to fear that which we do not yet know". I've always found this a comforting thought.

He replied with a huge rant of what an arsehole quote this was, that I was calling him an idiot, that my mother (who suffered of stomach cancer almost all her life, was a model of courage, optimism and self-possession and never once complained, even in her final days) would have feared cancer (which is completely untrue and a highly inappropriate claim), etc.

In short, it's well-crafted disordered argument bait, the way only disordered people can fashion it. My heart was racing for a good minute. I suddenly thought "Oh! Physiological trauma response" and it calmed down. I replied "You're trying to start an argument, but I'm not participating. I told you something comforting, not insulting. The remark about my mother is completely inappropriate and you know it. Have a nice day."

He replied a weird word salad of an unrelated Confucious quote, called me "little daughter", that his life had been too long and too difficult, that he would never provoke arguments which hurt him so much, that he was beyond that, etc. etc. Ah, the self-victimisation stage again.

I'm not going to respond.

Also I'm going to go for a little Zen walk now to get rid of that cortisol in my system. And next time he starts with that pity-grabbing health bullPLEASE READ, I'm just going to ignore it. There is no point.

Radical acceptance, radical acceptance...

[Sappho11]

There's also another thing I've been thinking about. My father and I have been planning to go through with a legal, formal acknowledgement of his paternity. At the beginning I thought it would be nice to be legally integrated into a family. Also I'd be getting citizenship of this country by descent and would avoid paying 60% inheritance tax when my father passes away one day.

I've now been thinking. I don't really need citizenship here; I have citizenship of another European state, and if I wanted this one, I could apply for it myself in a couple of years' time. The tax benefit might not even be applicable, there's not much to inherit anyway and if, I can see my father giving it all to his nieces since they seem to be more pliable.

On the other hand, going through with that legalisation would open me up to a huge liability. By an ancient historic law, this country charges first-degree relatives for maintenance costs before social security steps in. In other words, if my father goes down the road of dementia (which isn't unlikely given what I'm seeing), has to go to a care facility, and lives as long as my grandmother (who's suffering from dementia but is still alive at 93), I am possibly exposing myself to considerable financial trouble a few years down the line, which might last for decades. From what I've read, courts here are merciless, and they have no problem sending entire families to their economic doom to save the broke state a few pennies. I don't think they'd have much compassion for me, unmarried, no dependents, earning a decent living off (now comfortable, but hard-earned) self-employment. Imagine getting shafted like that, and having to sacrifice the life you've wrested from a hostile fate to spend decades paying for a dysfunctional father who didn't even raise you. I really have to think this over well, and if I go through with it, cover all my bases.

I think it might be time to get in touch with my estranged half-sister who hasn't spoken to our father in fifteen years.

[Sappho11]

Checked my messages. My father added to his rant: "I still always love you though, my daughter. Do you?"

No inclination to reply, since 1) he's trying to pin his meltdown on me once again, 2) his declaration of affection is conditional once again, and 3) he's looking for validation, nothing else.

Don't know what to say because I sure won't enable him any longer.

[Sappho11]

I'm slowly uncovering the reason for my father's dysfunction.

After some careful questioning, it turns out that his own father was the classic post-war family despot. A decorated war hero and certainly a good soldier, not so great at home. No tenderness, a lot of domination, emotional overpruning and strict discipline, and my father clung to women for consolation as a result. Most of all, a great emphasis on role-playing in the family, the father was not to be questioned under any circumstance, hence my father has no male model regarding apologies and saying "I'm wrong". His father was an absolutist ruler, and my father firmly believes that this privilege is now owed to him as well, by mere merit of role.

It hasn't occurred to him once to ask whether I, for my part, really owe him any of this, seeing as he was absent all my life and I raised myself. To him, I call him "father", so he's automatically entitled to all the privileges of a father – which includes not questioning him and doing everything he says. This is what constitutes "respect" in his eyes and that's how it works.

It gets worse. My father's father was universally revered, and for good reason, as he was a model of resilience and strength which was of supreme importance in the war and post-war years. My father constantly battles against the subconscious knowledge of not measuring up to that ideal in the slightest: he's artistic and sensitive, but he doesn't see that as strengths, and he has had neither the emotional intelligence nor the perseverance necessary to have developed these talents. Instead, he went the way of least resistance and chose a career as a businessman, in which he was reasonably successful, and most of all, could play the role of being a leader, a "strong" man. All his life he's mistaken steamrolling others with drama for actual strength, and he's listened to nobody who'd have pointed it out (like his ex-wife and his estranged other daughter). In truth, he's incredibly fragile, and whenever things don't go his way 100% because somebody sets a boundary, not only is his psychosis of omnipotence shattered, but he's also immediately, emotionally confronted with the fact that he's sensitive and far from being the calm stoic his father was. Hence the acting out. Classic narcissistic injury.

Somehow he's also clad this "I am so great and strong" delusion into another of being limitlessly altruistic, warm and loving, which is his personal way of "outdoing" his strong but cold father. In situations that show him that this isn't actually the case (such as him being less popular, or having a much worse 70th birthday than his father did), he completely melts down and blames it on his "unfair" surroundings.

Conclusion: Because he's constantly playing a role (a contradicting one, and also very poorly), it's impossible to connect with him on a true, emotional level. There's just nothing there. Shame, but that's how it is.

I can only pray that I take after my mother. She, too, had a father who was professional military and dominating at home. But she was very rational herself, also flexible, and found clever ways of standing up to him, which led to a relationship of mutual respect rather than the one of oppression as between my father and his family. A man like my father would have seemed cute and harmless in comparison: hence her way of bypassing his antics with a simple "oh, silly you" and her skill in not engaging. But I also understand why she would have thought "Yeah, I'm not going to marry that".

There's a silver lining to all of this: I'm glad I didn't grow up with my father. Yes, I had a bloody awful childhood, violence, abuse, alcoholism of caregivers, poverty, the lot. But at least I was always able to say "Those aren't your parents. What these people do or say doesn't matter", which eventually saved me. Growing up enmeshed with my dysfunctional father would certainly have turned me into a nutcase myself.

There's always some good.

[Sappho11]

I'm kind of using this thread as a notepad. I hope this is all right.

So many things are making sense now. In speaking to my father, I've often felt as if I am talking to a wall. For instance, he once asked about my friends, so I described three of them: one a penniless, womanising jazz pianist, one a sedate middle-class lawyer with a family, one a high-achieving banker who runs businesses for a sense of purpose at this point; all by chance different nationalities and in different places on the political spectrum.

My father replied with his own list of past (!) friends and said: "Contrary to you, I've always had friends from different classes and backgrounds, with all kinds of opinions." I was confused and asked him what he meant, since my friends were from different classes and backgrounds? He just repeated himself: "Well, yours are all from the same background, mine were all different." He went on to list a bunch of trades which were all remarkably similar.

Considering his role issues, he probably subconsciously thinks: "I can be friends with anybody, which makes me special" and "A father always outdoes his child". So anything that I do just as "well" as him threatens his shaky foundation, even if it's something completely ridiculous as diversity of friends (which is mostly happenstance and hardly a virtue). The only ways in which he grants me "talent" are in things that do not touch his sphere of action: female physical beauty, sartorial style, the technical part of my profession. Anything that "rivals" with his role: thoughts, economic theories, business strategies, emotional composure – he discounts, because they belong to him and him alone in his mind.

I'm now thinking I'm also pushing his buttons because due to my introversion and a "freeze" rather than "fight" response, I generally appear to stay detached from his outbursts. Nothing riles him up like a calm and quiet response to his antics. He'll use escalatingly egregious tactics to try and lure you into emotional contagion and becoming as hysterical as he is: pouting, being passive-aggressive, then being outwardly aggressive, projecting, making inappropriate remarks about my late mother, eventually threatening suicide.

I'm not taking the bait anymore.

[livednlearned]

Something that has helped me when interacting with people with traits similar to your father is that they are often fighting for position. It can be about anything.

It can make for a perpetually aggressive way of being. Aggression is often covert, sometimes passive, at times overt, because the potential for injury is near constant. The contest is relentless and it's fought in the mind. Goal posts move constantly and you never know when the game starts and finishes.

With my BPD family members, I assume the fight for position is part of who they are. It means not letting down my guard, having short visits, not sharing too much, and essentially doing what I can to not make things worse.

[Sappho11]

Something that has helped me when interacting with people with traits similar to your father is that they are often fighting for position. It can be about anything.

Yes, this is it exactly. Fighting for the position of omniscient, omnipotent patriarch.

It can make for a perpetually aggressive way of being. Aggression is often covert, sometimes passive, at times overt, because the potential for injury is near constant. The contest is relentless and it's fought in the mind. Goal posts move constantly and you never know when the game starts and finishes.

With my BPD family members, I assume the fight for position is part of who they are. It means not letting down my guard, having short visits, not sharing too much, and essentially doing what I can to not make things worse.

These are all true and good advice. Another thing I've read is to focus on the outcome you can control, not the relationship. For example, state a boundary and follow through with it. Don't get dragged into the other person's emotional spiral, just let them be. What's important is that you've said what you want to say, because that's what you can manage. The other person's reaction is beyond that.

By the way, I was in the middle of a meeting, when the phone rang (I couldn't pick up). It was the florist again, no kidding. Several days after my birthday, and my father is still trying to have those damn flowers delivered. At this point it's beyond question for whose emotional sake they really are.

I've now texted him asking him to call off the florist. No explanation, no justification, just that. Give him nothing to argue about.

Guess what? "Ok, I'll try" (plus a complaint about how they didn't respect his order etc.)

Getting there. Slowly.

[Sappho11]

Day 5 of my father trying to have the flowers delivered.

I'm beginning to understand the effect of Chinese water torture.

[Sappho11]

I've been burying myself in work lately so that I don't have to think about all this.

It's been difficult. I live a very isolated life thanks to my recent emigration and I haven't told anyone in person about the problems I am going through with my father.

Last night I talked on the phone with an old friend of mine. He comes from a severely dysfunctional family himself and instead of listening to my concerns, he kept interrupting me to talk about his own trauma. I tried to tell him of my father's BPD traits, of the toxic arguments, of the constant emotional drain, and my friend's response was pretty much: "You wanted a family, now you have it. It's your own fault. All of that is normal", when it is very much not. He made me feel like I was being ungrateful and I left the phone call feeling 1) ashamed to have opened up to him and 2) lonelier than before.

I've been feeling very isolated in general lately because while people were quick to congratulate me on the fairytale story of having found my father after such a long time, most of them tell me I am making a mountain out of a molehill when I am very much not. And it makes me feel really stupid. I never complain, ever; and now that I do it once, when something serious is up, people not only brush it off, they actively tell me I am being ungrateful, that I'm being a bad daughter (often "compassionately" adding that I simply can't know any better having grown up an orphan), that I shouldn't complain etc.

It's strange how having family can you make you feel lonelier than having none at all. That latter absolute loneliness nobody understands, even though most people pretend to. But now that I have one, it's even worse, because now people feel qualified to present themselves as moral arbiters.

Anyway. Back to work now.

[Sappho11]

After a good month of carrying all of this around, I finally broke down tonight on a Zoom call (of all things) and told a friend who's actually a work contact. I was already in tears before I could tell her anything, because she was so genuinely warm and concerned, and actually listened. She's been in my life for years and is an absolute treasure. Interacting with her always reminds me that normal, calm, reliable people and relationships exist and I am deeply grateful for that.

[Methuen]

Sappho11, I just caught up reading your posts from p2.  I really just want to give you an encouraging hug, and say that I think you are managing so well with all you are dealing with.  Your posts show you working through the pragmatics of the situation, and it seems to me that is your WISEMIND at work as you process and analyze all this.  

Your last post sounds like you've most past acceptance and entered into the grieving stage.  E. Kubler Ross would call that progress.  It's so hard, but it's progress.

I admire you.  I really do.  Reading your posts, I hear courage, clear thinking, disappointment, hard work (working through all this) and determination, and inner strength.  Even if it doesn't feel like it to you right now, that's what I hear when I read your posts.

Keep posting.  We support you!

 

[Sappho11]

Thank you Methuen. That is a lovely thing to say. We're all trying our best at the end of the day.

I've started applying the advice of "focus on the outcome, not on the relationship". That is, to get clear about one's own needs, state them clearly, and then let the other person manage their own emotions. I keep reminding myself that my father's emotional reaction is not my problem, it's his. Boundaries, boundaries.

I don't want to jinx it but it recently worked. He's been sending me articles about a country I used to live in, which was an unhappy time and which I do not want to be reminded of, which he knows. So I asked him to please stop sending me articles about that particular country, unless it had to do with the country we live in.

In the past this would have sparked a meltdown along the lines of "now you don't even want to read articles I send you, I thought I was doing you a favour, how else are we going to stay in touch, should I censor myself" etc.

His response now: "Ok I won't send any more". Good! Followed by "I just sent you these because that country's decisions always have an effect on or country". I'm realising just now that this is a poor attempt at trying to weaken my boundary again. Whatever. I just replied "Thank you".

If he sends any more, I'll restate the boundary and tell him I'll have the messages deleted if he keeps sending them.

-----

I have to admit the distance is doing me some good. I haven't seen him in six weeks and I am slowly beginning to feel like myself again, without having to bury myself in work. Last night I even went out and socialised a little. I went to a new restaurant alone and the waiter gave me a very warm welcome, which felt like a cure of the soul. This country doesn't tip, so there was nothing in it for him, he was clearly having a good night (with other patrons too) and wanted to share the good vibes. There is something deeply heartening about seeing healthy, happy people interact without apprehension, with ease and with peace. Self-possession and warmth in relating to others. This is how things should be.

[Sappho11]

Thought there was a rapprochement, but apparently not.

Lately things have been good. I'd been planning to go visit my father again, but he's been evasive.

Yesterday I asked him about Christmas. I was really looking forward to it this year. I haven't celebrated Christmas since I was five years old. This year, after having found my father, I thought we'd all celebrate together.

My father is now telling me he's been having a "couple's crisis" with his wife and that they're going away at the end of the year, and that there is "nothing he can do". Not a word about what the rest of the family is doing either.

The message is clear though: I am not part of the family.

I'm looking at yet another Christmas alone.

I've been having trouble lately, a decades-old problem has cropped up again, and my biggest client hasn't paid me in over three months. All around terrible. It seems there is no end to bad news this season.

[Sappho11]

Just saw that my father wrote me a novel-length text regarding something unrelated in the middle of the night last night. Lots of problems all around. I do get the sense that if I am to be a part of this family, it will be as part of the parent, not child. A parent with no agency however. That isn't what I want my life to be.

Spent the morning looking at volunteer options over Christmas. There's no way I'm spending those days alone this year. Surely there must be something better to do.

[Red Admiral]

Hi I really don't know where to begin after reading your post, although this is so sad I had to message you. I have looked on this site and posted only twice but have never felt the need to share my story which is unusual and precisely the same as yours. Although the incidents are not verbatim the thoughts and feelings could have been written by the same person. However my story began twenty years ago when I found my father at the age of 37. He had never been in my life and had left my mother when she was pregnant. Which of course was terribly sad but my mother was actually diagnosed with having Narcissistic Personality Disorder which is a rarity. I was the scapegoat in the family dynamic and I considered her parents as my own, they were my rocks during a very unsettled childhood. Before my grandfather passed he told me to try and locate my natural father as he was worried that I would have no one in my corner when he died. Three years later I did and that is where our initial stories become as one. No one can truly understand what it is like when you find a natural parent as an adult, there are so many expectations and as you described it, it can only be described as a whirlwind. I know that it is recommended that before finding a natural parent you should get counselling to prepare you for all of the emotions that are brought to the surface. I wish I had sought professional help prior to finding my dad as my childhood had left scars that needed to be addressed. You want so much a happy ending that you choose to ignore your initial gut instinct and red flags. My gut instinct was precisely the same as yours but sadly I knew nothing about BPD and I thought with time things would settle, how wrong could I be. When I first spoke to him on the phone my first red flag was that he spoke constantly about himself. He didn't ask about me or how my life had been over the years, but I put it down to nerves.  This could be of epic proportions so I will try to remove any padding which is a little difficult. I  immediately noticed that conversations which should have had a tone of empathy had none and I told him during an early conversation that I had noticed this, however I knew by his reaction he had no clue what I was talking about. Before I found him I was terribly unhappy and was in a marriage that was on it's last legs. I had married very young essentially to leave the home that I shared with my mother. When I found my dad he was struggling with his life at home and I thought his moods were related to external problems and not a serious personality disorder. It never occurred to me for one moment that both my parents would have a Cluster B disorder. After talking for a while foolishly we moved in together, thinking that we could somehow fast track memories and make up for lost years. And immediately more red flags came into the equation, in fact enough to adorn a circus ring!  After my divorce had come through he thought it would be nice if I changed my surname to his, because it should have been on my birth certificate. I didn't really see the need but he was pretty insistent and as the name was actually nicer than my married name I did. During conversations about the past pretty much everything that had happened to him he was not responsible for, he negated responsibility for everything. And I considered from what he told me about his life that he was reckless in many ways. He always spoke very effusively about himself but seemed disinterested in others feelings or emotions. If I ever highlighted something he had said that had been unacceptable he would deny it, or use word soup to try and deflect and confuse. It seemed that he also had a mental rule book that he expected everyone to understand without actually communicating what was in it. He would sulk for days if anything annoyed him whether at home or an external stress. His moods swung between anger, spaced out, depression and normal. I would be his lifeline one minute and then persona non grata the very next, there was absolutely no middle ground. But there where days of clarity and genuine kindness which confused me  I knew that something was terribly wrong. My head told me to run for the hills but my stubborn streak and pride kept me stuck in the situation. I didn't want to have yet another unhappy ending, and thought that I could somehow turn things around, failure was not an option. And so the situation went on for years with me being on a rollercoaster ride one that I didn't understand. At times when he was spaced out I knew that he had no control over his thoughts and emotions and as an empath this saddened me and guilt would also render me inert. I tried to find an answer as to what was wrong with him, and it was only by chance 16 years later that the final piece of the jigsaw was put in place. I read a story of a mother describing he son in a BPD rage, and it was dad to a tee. Apart from one criteria self harming dad meets every DSM criteria. When he is in a calm headspace he will acknowledge that he has BPD but he calls it "Berserker Syndrome". I have read a great deal about BPD and it is possible to stay in the life of someone who has the disorder, but it does require an awful lot of patience. I should have trusted my first gut reaction and acted on it, you have and from what you have experienced already you should proceed with caution. In my case hindsight is a wonderful thing and I wish I had information at the time to help me. I have learnt how to communicate effectively with him and and there are good days. He is 80 years old now and I am glad I met him, I accept that he has an illness and although difficult at times hence my earlier "sound off" post. You have the buffer of mileage between you and healthy advice and input from others. I would say if you want to remain in touch with him, don't expect anything to change, and accept that he has deregulated and disordered thinking. Although difficult do not allow guilt trips to be played on you and set boundaries that you keep to. You will undoubtedly experience more of the crazy stuff but if there are a few good times in the mix and you can remain mentally healthy you may be able to have a father in your life. I wish you all the very best for the future and thank you for your post it was the first one that I could completely and utterly identify with. 

[beatricex]

hi Sappho,
OMG, this sounds absolutely horrible.  It reminded of my earlier days of internet dating, where I would talk to a guy for months and months, it all got built up....then when we would finally meet it was nothing but fighting, drama, horrible horrible misunderstandings and me wondering how people could be so different and desperately seeking to find a way out!  How could I be so wrong about someone?


I think this is just some stranger you discovered was your sperm donor?  I mean really, family is what is familiar to you and you don't really know this dude so he's just a mentally ill guy you kind of wish you hadn't found right?  It was probably good for you to know the history between him and your Mom though right?  And also to meet him so you could stop wondering how he turned out?

This is troubling and I'm so sorry it happened to you.  I think you are strong and will recover, though.  Think of it as one big "test" which I believe you are passing by the way!  How to have boundaries with someone who will never get it.  great job
 

b

[Sappho11]

Hi I really don't know where to begin after reading your post, although this is so sad I had to message you. I have looked on this site and posted only twice but have never felt the need to share my story which is unusual and precisely the same as yours. Although the incidents are not verbatim the thoughts and feelings could have been written by the same person. However my story began twenty years ago when I found my father at the age of 37. He had never been in my life and had left my mother when she was pregnant. Which of course was terribly sad but my mother was actually diagnosed with having Narcissistic Personality Disorder which is a rarity. I was the scapegoat in the family dynamic and I considered her parents as my own, they were my rocks during a very unsettled childhood. Before my grandfather passed he told me to try and locate my natural father as he was worried that I would have no one in my corner when he died. Three years later I did and that is where our initial stories become as one. No one can truly understand what it is like when you find a natural parent as an adult, there are so many expectations and as you described it, it can only be described as a whirlwind. I know that it is recommended that before finding a natural parent you should get counselling to prepare you for all of the emotions that are brought to the surface. I wish I had sought professional help prior to finding my dad as my childhood had left scars that needed to be addressed. You want so much a happy ending that you choose to ignore your initial gut instinct and red flags. My gut instinct was precisely the same as yours but sadly I knew nothing about BPD and I thought with time things would settle, how wrong could I be. When I first spoke to him on the phone my first red flag was that he spoke constantly about himself. He didn't ask about me or how my life had been over the years, but I put it down to nerves.  This could be of epic proportions so I will try to remove any padding which is a little difficult. I  immediately noticed that conversations which should have had a tone of empathy had none and I told him during an early conversation that I had noticed this, however I knew by his reaction he had no clue what I was talking about. Before I found him I was terribly unhappy and was in a marriage that was on it's last legs. I had married very young essentially to leave the home that I shared with my mother. When I found my dad he was struggling with his life at home and I thought his moods were related to external problems and not a serious personality disorder. It never occurred to me for one moment that both my parents would have a Cluster B disorder. After talking for a while foolishly we moved in together, thinking that we could somehow fast track memories and make up for lost years. And immediately more red flags came into the equation, in fact enough to adorn a circus ring!  After my divorce had come through he thought it would be nice if I changed my surname to his, because it should have been on my birth certificate. I didn't really see the need but he was pretty insistent and as the name was actually nicer than my married name I did. During conversations about the past pretty much everything that had happened to him he was not responsible for, he negated responsibility for everything. And I considered from what he told me about his life that he was reckless in many ways. He always spoke very effusively about himself but seemed disinterested in others feelings or emotions. If I ever highlighted something he had said that had been unacceptable he would deny it, or use word soup to try and deflect and confuse. It seemed that he also had a mental rule book that he expected everyone to understand without actually communicating what was in it. He would sulk for days if anything annoyed him whether at home or an external stress. His moods swung between anger, spaced out, depression and normal. I would be his lifeline one minute and then persona non grata the very next, there was absolutely no middle ground. But there where days of clarity and genuine kindness which confused me  I knew that something was terribly wrong. My head told me to run for the hills but my stubborn streak and pride kept me stuck in the situation. I didn't want to have yet another unhappy ending, and thought that I could somehow turn things around, failure was not an option. And so the situation went on for years with me being on a rollercoaster ride one that I didn't understand. At times when he was spaced out I knew that he had no control over his thoughts and emotions and as an empath this saddened me and guilt would also render me inert. I tried to find an answer as to what was wrong with him, and it was only by chance 16 years later that the final piece of the jigsaw was put in place. I read a story of a mother describing he son in a BPD rage, and it was dad to a tee. Apart from one criteria self harming dad meets every DSM criteria. When he is in a calm headspace he will acknowledge that he has BPD but he calls it "Berserker Syndrome". I have read a great deal about BPD and it is possible to stay in the life of someone who has the disorder, but it does require an awful lot of patience. I should have trusted my first gut reaction and acted on it, you have and from what you have experienced already you should proceed with caution. In my case hindsight is a wonderful thing and I wish I had information at the time to help me. I have learnt how to communicate effectively with him and and there are good days. He is 80 years old now and I am glad I met him, I accept that he has an illness and although difficult at times hence my earlier "sound off" post. You have the buffer of mileage between you and healthy advice and input from others. I would say if you want to remain in touch with him, don't expect anything to change, and accept that he has deregulated and disordered thinking. Although difficult do not allow guilt trips to be played on you and set boundaries that you keep to. You will undoubtedly experience more of the crazy stuff but if there are a few good times in the mix and you can remain mentally healthy you may be able to have a father in your life. I wish you all the very best for the future and thank you for your post it was the first one that I could completely and utterly identify with. 

Thank you for your response, Red Admiral. You are right, the similarities are striking, uncanny even. The talking about himself the first time you reconnected, and you putting it down to nerves. The way your father seemed strangely unempathetic. Things moving at a breakneck pace. Him insisting that you, an adult woman, change your name to his. The unaccountability, the word salad. I am so sorry you are going through this. And you're being a living warning to me.

My father has mentioned repeatedly that he's been having problems with his wife. I am not surprised, given the ungrateful manner in which he acts towards that lovely woman. A part of me is wondering whether he wants to acknowledge me as his daughter in official documents so that he'll have a safety net when he needs care. I am not entirely sure his wife will stick around.

You've not only shared a massively relatable story, you've also given me a glimpse into a potential future of mine. Thank you.

[Sappho11]

hi Sappho,
OMG, this sounds absolutely horrible.  It reminded of my earlier days of internet dating, where I would talk to a guy for months and months, it all got built up....then when we would finally meet it was nothing but fighting, drama, horrible horrible misunderstandings and me wondering how people could be so different and desperately seeking to find a way out!  How could I be so wrong about someone?

I know you mean well but I daresay those aren't exactly comparable scenarios.

I think this is just some stranger you discovered was your sperm donor? 

No, my father was an on-and-off fixture in my mother's household when I was a child up until I was around five years old. He was the only boyfriend she had, to the point that I asked her at the time whether I was allowed to call him "Papa". So he's not some rando, he's the father I've wanted for three decades. He's also from a different country than the one I grew up in and I identify with his nationality a lot more than with my own (to the point that I chose to live in his country even before I found out he was my father). We also have a great number of idiosyncratic traits in common – traits that I have never encountered in anyone else. So I can't just say "oh well, too bad".

Also I have no other relatives at all. I went from being a lifelong orphan to having at least someone. The marginal utility of "having one relative" vs "having no relatives" is immense, both in social and practical matters. This is something that is very difficult to explain to people in normal social networks.

There are a great many aspects to be salvaged here even if the relationship itself is less than perfect.

I mean really, family is what is familiar to you and you don't really know this dude so he's just a mentally ill guy you kind of wish you hadn't found right?

No, see above.

It was probably good for you to know the history between him and your Mom though right?  And also to meet him so you could stop wondering how he turned out?

Yes I am grateful about his stories about my mother, but they are secondary. Mostly I want a father. And I can assert from experience that having a loopy, undependable father is still better than having no relative at all. If this wasn't so, I'd have thrown in the towel long ago and gone NC. Finally, at the end of the day, I am still a naive believer in family. So I am willing to put in a reasonable (not self-annihilating!) effort to make things work, even if the path is littered with disappointments.

This is troubling and I'm so sorry it happened to you.  I think you are strong and will recover, though.  Think of it as one big "test" which I believe you are passing by the way!  How to have boundaries with someone who will never get it.  great job
 

b

Thank you, if you say so. I don't really believe in "tests", only in obstacles of our own making, so I am trying to figure out how to navigate this whole thing. Sometimes I get tired and then I rant on here.

[Sappho11]

Another little tidbit. I think I may have mentioned that my father never added me on Facebook, which he extensively uses. I asked him to add me today and found that I can still see – nothing. No list of family or friends, barely any posts.

I remember when I tried to reach out to him a year ago, I could see a great many of those posts – I remember because I was curious and looked up a couple of people back then. Now we're connected and I can't even see that. It also looks as if he's cleaned out his feed so that I can't see any interactions.

My original plan was to go on Facebook, look at his connections, and see whether any family members have tagged him in pictures, for example on the date of my birthday when he claimed to have been "in too much pain to go out", even though I suspect he secretly spent the day with his niece and had a great time. At this point I wouldn't be surprised. Same about potential upcoming Christmas pictures.

I'm also wondering what he told his wife about me. The way he rants about this lovely woman to me, I wouldn't be surprised if he does the same thing about me to her.


One bizarre silver lining. There is one thing I did see on my father's Facebook profile: a veritable onslaught of tasteless, below-the-belt memes, generally directed against youth and women. I'm not so much bothered by the misogyny as by the cheapness as well as the complete lack of common propriety and decency. I knew that my mother, who was from a genteel, bourgeois home wasn't allowed to marry him, the son of a poor factory worker, when they were both seventeen. Looking at the things my father posts, I now realise that must truly have been worlds colliding. It sure is a collision with mine. He may have worked himself out of his beginnings financially, but he certainly never did so in terms of personality; inside he's still the kid from the slum, hiding behind a very thin veneer indeed.

I've noticed this before in certain things, though of course I've been trying my darndest not to let it on.  I now wonder whether certain outbursts of his are now due to my accidentally having triggered such insecurities. The day we last met, when we had this big row about him threatening suicide, he had shown me around his hometown, acting like a tour guide. And I mean this literally: he spoke like an actor portraying a tour guide, strangely stiff and rehearsed, often stopping to stand in awkward places to spool off his text (complete with awkward, flawed Latin quotes). I feigned enthusiasm, of course, asking him how he knew all these wonderful things. "Oh, one reads" he said. Except... he doesn't.

I'm now thinking of so many little moments that are making sense. He once ranted about being invited to dinner by his erudite neighbours and complained to me how he'd get "bored to death" listening to their discussions of Kant. I laughed and told him to send me over next time instead, I love Kant and would love to chat with the other "bores"! – He immediately changed the subject and never brought it up again.

He's also asked me how many aristocrats I know, how many wealthy people, etc., which I found rather bizarre. His class anxiety is through the roof in so many ways. He loves to pretend, but he doesn't really know how, which makes the whole thing almost comical in nature. He pretends to have read all kinds of things yet doesn't recognise the most obvious allusion. He goes to expensive restaurants but feels ill at ease there to the point he doesn't even remember how to make conversation. He goes on about how many hundreds of ties he used to own but dresses very poorly (in a country where clothes are central to national identity). It's a laughable charade, obvious to anyone, and yet he carries with him a tremendous fear of being found out.

Layers upon layers. I'm kind of beginning to smile at the whole thing now. Maybe my Christmas really is better spent reading Schopenhauer and cutting cheese the proper way. Maybe that's still lonely, maybe that's not a lot, but at least it's something, and something that nobody can take from me.

[Mommydoc]

Sappho11, I just read your posts from beginning to last and I am so impressed with your knowledge of BPD, your self awareness and balanced approach.  It sounds like you are committed to an ongoing relationship with your father and you are learning who he is.  It sounds like you may be grappling with the dissonance between what you hoped and fantasized about versus the reality of who he is.  The distancing is healthy and will help, but it will be important to continue to adjust your hopes and expectations.  I am happy that you seem to have great friends who really came through on your birthday.  Your fatheris unlikely at this point to change.  You have a lot of tools and a supportive audience here to help you stay focused on yourself and your needs.  Please keep posting and keep us updated as you navigate a very complex and difficult situation. I don’t know what the best course is in terms of legalizing his paternity.  It sounds like there are a lot of potential down sides, so I encourage you to wait to move forward.  I just lost my last parent, my mom and am about to “divorce” my only sibling, so my FOO is essentially gone.  I have only a few living distant second cousins who I don’t have a relationship with, so I am focusing on my “chosen” family and realizing how special these relationships can be.  I hope you will surround yourself with those who can give you love in a healthy way. 

[Sappho11]

Sappho11, I just read your posts from beginning to last and I am so impressed with your knowledge of BPD, your self awareness and balanced approach.  It sounds like you are committed to an ongoing relationship with your father and you are learning who he is.  It sounds like you may be grappling with the dissonance between what you hoped and fantasized about versus the reality of who he is.  The distancing is healthy and will help, but it will be important to continue to adjust your hopes and expectations.  I am happy that you seem to have great friends who really came through on your birthday.  Your fatheris unlikely at this point to change.  You have a lot of tools and a supportive audience here to help you stay focused on yourself and your needs.  Please keep posting and keep us updated as you navigate a very complex and difficult situation. I don’t know what the best course is in terms of legalizing his paternity.  It sounds like there are a lot of potential down sides, so I encourage you to wait to move forward.  I just lost my last parent, my mom and am about to “divorce” my only sibling, so my FOO is essentially gone.  I have only a few living distant second cousins who I don’t have a relationship with, so I am focusing on my “chosen” family and realizing how special these relationships can be.  I hope you will surround yourself with those who can give you love in a healthy way. 

Thank you Mommydoc. That was a heartening encouragement. You are absolutely correct about holding off on the legalisation of paternity. All good advice.

I am sorry for your recent loss. And I am glad that you have lovely people to rely on. I'm sorry, I just got more bad news, I struggle to say what I want to say.

[Sappho11]

So this morning I received a long email from my father. Apparently his wife has seriously talked to him about divorce. They're on the rocks.

Absolute catastrophe in so many ways. Though I don't blame the poor woman.

I absolutely adore her and her family; I actually get along with better with them than with my father's. We celebrated my father's birthday with his wife, one of her daughters and the daughter's husband. Very warm, empathetic people, kind, genuine (even though my father thought little of them, as usual). I couldn't remember ever having felt so happy in my life – to finally be part of such a loving family!

And of course there's the fate of my father; I don't think it would do him well to suddenly be left alone at 73. I don't know what he would do.

In typical fashion, he blames it all on his wife. Tells me she went off the rails from one day to the next, that she is "loving one moment and cold and arrogant the next". I'd take this seriously if I didn't know he's said the same thing to me about myself. His dysfunction is now painting her as the crazy one. I feel just so, so much compassion for the woman – and I have no way of telling her that. It's a nightmare. My father's antics have recently caused yet another rift when he wasn't invited to the very intimate wedding of his wife's grand-daughter, and his wife was summoned there in secret. Instead of understanding (there were only 15 guests on each side of the marrying couple) or at most enquiring what it is that made them not want him there, he completely went off the rails and now blames it on everyone else.

I sent a sober yet compassionate email to my father trying to tell him that he needs to take a good long look at himself and realise he is playing a part in all of this. That this might well be the last chance. That talk of divorce is serious and that women don't "go crazy overnight". That he needs to start owning up to his own part in all these affairs. That a therapist would be a good idea in this point.

All I can do.

I just wish I could contact my step-mother. I want so badly to hug this lovely woman and say "I understand, I understand; you're not crazy, there is nothing wrong with you or your family". But I can't.

[Sappho11]

I just re-read the last email my father sent and even the syntax reads eerily similar to my BPD ex's writing, even though they were different ages, different nationalities, speaking entirely different languages.

In his long rant, he mentions me in one sentence: "However, for once I would have liked to be with you. Fate has decided otherwise for this year." Sure, "fate". I'm reminded of the quote that what people call fate is mostly just their own foolish deeds. Never has this been more applicable than here.

He also says that he's always hated Christmas but doesn't know why. I have a pretty good idea: because those days are about family and not all about him.

One thing that's unintentionally comical: He says it is "idiotic" for his wife to make such a fuss, considering that they "have so little time left on this Earth".

All I thought was: That's exactly why that poor woman is "making such a fuss". And I can't blame her. She's raised two daughters and has grandchildren and even great-grandchildren now. They are the light of her life. She's 76 years old and still dresses well, does her hair, puts on makeup every single day. She's got an admirable grip on herself, yet is warm and empathetic towards others. A female role model if I ever saw one.

I should also add at this point that this woman never met her own father. She looked for him herself as a young woman but found him only after he had passed away. Despite or because of this, she has been incredibly gracious and understanding towards me from the start.

It's not looking good for my father. I couldn't blame his wife for wanting to spend the rest of her life in peace, dedicating herself to her family.

[Sappho11]

It's only occurred to me now that, same as with my birthday, my father has paid not one thought to me and what I am going to do over Christmas, especially alone in a foreign country.

Is that too much to ask of a parent? I have no idea. I think at least expressing concern or compassion towards one's child would be appropriate.

I'm trying to put myself in his shoes and I can see no scenario in which I would not fight tooth and nail to spend Christmas with my long-lost daughter who managed life alone and eventually tracked me down after 30 years – and who also happens to be the only daughter willing to be in touch with me. But of course I might be biased.

I haven't seen him since the day we had this horrible word salad row about him threatening suicide, and I get the sense that he is still subconsciously trying to punish me for that argument and my not giving in to his manipulations anymore.

[Sappho11]

My father responded to my email telling him he needs to take a good long look at himself.

It was pretty much pseudo-intellectual drivel. My BPD ex had the same gear. No civilised conversation to get out of him, but when directly challenged, he turned into a wannabe Shakespeare on the moral high horse, like someone benevolently preaching down from a pulpit.

In this case, it was my father talking about how everyone around him has "the wrong perception of things". My favourite bits are his assertions that

1) everyone owes him "respect" because he's older (and by "respect", he means everyone unquestioningly doing what he says)
2) his wife's grand-daughter should have invited him to his wedding because he bought one or two gifts for the great grand-daughter and
3) his wife's children "owe him gratitude" because he's taking care of their mother financially (which is a ridiculous thing to claim to begin with, and which I even doubt – she lives in his small house but that's about it, and she seems to have her own money).

Funnily enough, apparently the grand-daughter even provided him with reasons why she didn't want him there. He said these were "distorted and hardly credible".

Since I have nothing to lose – as I see it, I don't really have a father anyway – I poked the bear and responded that he had overlooked the main point of my message: that it was his lack of self-reflection causing all these problems; that he couldn't go around acting like a despot; that he had to respect people in order to be respected; and that he better listen to the warnings, pointers and reasons he's being given by his wife's family before it is too late and he's miserable and alone.

One thing is for certain: I definitely won't be going through with the legalisation of paternity. All I see at the moment is a massive, massive liability that, as of now, is easy enough to avoid. I'd be a bloody fool.

[Mommydoc]

It is amazing to witness your clarity. It is so clear you really wanted to make this work and yet you have been honest with yourself and accepted the reality of your situation. I think it takes many of us a lot longer. You might consider taking a break from your father, allowing yourself to refocus your energy on other relationships and personal goals. You don’t have to abandon him or the relationship. Given the discussion of divorce, at minimum he will be needy and demanding, but he could also dysregulate  and things get worse. Be cautious. My therapist calls it “love from a safe distance.”

[Sappho11]

It is amazing to witness your clarity. It is so clear you really wanted to make this work and yet you have been honest with yourself and accepted the reality of your situation. I think it takes many of us a lot longer. You might consider taking a break from your father, allowing yourself to refocus your energy on other relationships and personal goals. You don’t have to abandon him or the relationship. Given the discussion of divorce, at minimum he will be needy and demanding, but he could also dysregulate  and things get worse. Be cautious. My therapist calls it “love from a safe distance.”

Thank you Mommydoc. You are being so kind. It has taken me a long time to catch on myself – my first experiences with BPD were in childhood, with a diagnosed BPD best friend. The households I grew up in had similar patterns. So if I managed to see it here, it's only because I've been seeing the same things elsewhere for almost thirty years. Better late than never!

A break certainly is a good idea. I just feel sorry about my step-family. They were so kind and welcoming and I wish I could celebrate Christmas with them. At this point I wouldn't be surprised if my father told them I was "busy", the way he lied to his relatives about my birthday.

Distance certainly is in order.

[Sappho11]

As outlined in the recent thread (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=357078.0), my father keeps inventing increasingly absurd stories in order to get sympathy or attention. I wouldn't be surprised if that whole "my wife has gone crazy" shtick is completely fabricated, things are as usual at home, and he just doesn't want me around for Christmas because then he won't be the centre of attention (I haven't met much of my family yet, so it would be an introduction). – Of course, the other, perhaps more likely scenario is that his poor wife has really been worn down by his psychotic ways; I wouldn't blame her.

A couple of little things have happened recently that make me question whether my father been lying to me from day one. He makes up things so nonchalantly that I no longer know what to believe – even inventing entire people who've supposedly died recently. If the dying continues at this rate, my country will face a serious degree of depopulation by the end of the year.

He finally accepted my friend request on Facebook which I sent him a good year ago. He's always claimed to never have received the messages I sent back then, nor my messages to him in 2016 (when I was still thinking he was only my mother's boyfriend), nor those I sent in 2008. Last Christmas I wrote to him on another platform – a message which I believe gave me a read receipt back then. It also never reached him – allegedly. He only responded when I sent him a physical letter to his address this summer (and which his new wife saw). I have not mentioned this before: His first response was an angry letter in return, calling me by the formal form of address, stating that I had to be a fraud, that I had acquired his address by illegal means (it was on of his social media profiles...), that I couldn't be who I was claiming to be since I hadn't replied to his first letter in three weeks, that my mother would have been disappointed in me (!), but that he wished me all the best.

Well now that I read that back, knowing it comes from someone who is mentally ill, it sure makes a lot more sense than it did at that moment.

It's true that I hadn't replied to his "first letter", the reply to mine – because I had never received it. Had he even sent it? We will never know. He claimed it had been returned to him eventually; but I never saw it.

Of course, a normal person might have sent a letter saying: "I have not heard back from you, did you get my first letter?" But no. He sent that angry tirade of slander and insult instead. Perhaps he was hoping that I'd abandon ship.

When I read that letter, I cried my eyes out. It was the first sign of life of him in 30 years – and it was that! A friend happened to ring at that very moment. He had never heard me cry and was overwhelmed with the situation. "Your father is an arsehole. Forget him." Solid advice. But, of course, I didn't know whether he really was my father or not at the time. I needed certainty. So I wrote an angry response myself – with measure and restraint of course. I also added my email address. Then I sent the letter by registered post.

My father sent a short email the same evening the letter arrived. "What a lot of misunderstandings" he wrote. Then he started asking me about my mother. I spent a good two or three weeks furnishing him with all the details that he wanted to know about her, as his curiosity was insatiable; he wanted to know everything, how her life had been without him, what years she had married and whom etc. He didn't ask about me until much later.

I suggested to meet up. He agreed and told me to come visit – but then gave me a choice of dates one month out. I didn't understand the long wait, and still don't. Maybe he thought it would be easier to manipulate me via email. The messages went from detective-like probing about my mother to being sappy about me within the span of few weeks.

There are many things that were odd even from the first meeting – one of them being that he didn't admit to being my father until he had met me – but I'm noticing that I completely veered off course in this post. Perhaps this is for another time.

tl;dr My father lies so prolifically, I no longer know what to believe.

[Sappho11]

I'm reading back some of the emails from the beginning now and I find them nauseating. Was I so blinkered? So in need of a father? I must do better. How did not see the red flags? The histrionic tone? The love bombing – and cranked up the max whenever he's startled me with some angry, unexpectedly aggressive message?

Some of those things give me the chills:

I'm perfectly willing to act and react as you wish, and I want you to know that in addition to your love, I need your trust, because trust is a great proof of love and I'd rather die than betray it.

Have you understood that you are now my most precious possession?

I want to die with you as my daughter, but please don't ever question the love I have for you, or the admiration for what [sic!] you are, totally unconditionally.

I also noticed that he started talking of "tragic deaths in the family" about a month in and how much he has been suffering. Back then, I offered to drop everything and come visit right away. (I do not even recognise myself in these emails I wrote scarcely three months ago.) And again his suddenly nonchalant response: "Yes I am touched by all these deaths, but they are normal. They have close families that take care of everything, don't worry."

When I failed to reply for a day or two, he sent a message talking of me as "a little bird that mustn't be caged, mustn't be suffocated". And when I did reply: "You're not ordinary! Your complex character fascinates me. I must be crazy, it's true!"

It doesn't even make sense. Not to mention an entire undercurrent from the very start suggesting I was "fragile", "capricious", in need of protection, and so on, and so forth... blimey, I can't even go on reading these, it is too creepy. What was I thinking?

 

[Sappho11]

Well the saga is nearing its inevitable end.

I've been tardy in replying to my father because I have been having considerable business trouble, and right now it looks as if I won't even be able to make rent at the end of December. At this point it's just as well that I have been told to stay away for Christmas, because I couldn't afford to go anyway, the roof is currently on fire and I'll be glad to have a day or two off once I've (hopefully) managed to find a way to solve this dilemma.

My father kept asking me why I wasn't replying and sent a message telling me I could confide in him, that I had a father now, that that counted for something etc. At this point I should really see the h00ver attempts for what they are but I thought "what the hell" and replied.

I told him I was glad he had sent me that email, because I had frankly begun to doubt whether he wanted to be a father at all. He had refused to see me on my birthday, had refused all compromises to meet up since, and had told me to not come for Christmas.

I said I was glad if we could put that behind us and told him about my current predicament that was worrying me.

BIG MISTAKE.

He responded with his usual "it's all a misunderstanding" and I knew the rest would just be dysfunctional nonsense. He inadvertently admitted that he had uninvited me for Christmas because of the whole birthday drama he caused, and of course pinned the fault on me. According to him, I have only myself to blame, because I "failed" to cross a vital, sensitive and clearly-communicated boundary of mine for him. Of course this is ridiculous, and I at least know it. He then went on with the weirdest, typical BPD excuses that make no sense: that he couldn't "risk the same scenario for Christmas" (reminder: it was HE who had cancelled my visit on my own birthday even though I had already booked everything!); and almost hilariously absurdly, that I had once told him I was an agnostic and that he therefore didn't think I'd celebrate a "Christian tradition like Christmas" (this, by the way, from an atheistic father... who celebrates Christmas himself each year... and with whom I've visited several churches to light candles for my late mother... and whom I told several times that the worst thing about growing up an orphan was being alone for Christmas). None of it makes sense.

Oh and since that wasn't enough, concerning my business worries, it was a whole paragraph of "told you so", telling me how to an "old fox" like him this was obvious from the start, that he knew all along this would happen, that he had told me "a million times" (reality: footage not found) etc., plus him panicking about how I am going to pay rent?!?!?! (You'd think it's his rent I'm paying!) Can't I ask some of my friends for help?! – The latter in particular reminded me of my BPD ex who always offered his "unconditional help, no matter when, no matter what", but no matter whether I needed the tiniest bit of assistance or was in great distress, his default answer ended up being a cold: "Don't you have friends you can ask?"

Long story short:

My father is completely and utterly useless as a father;
as a human being, he is a complacent, self-pitying, yet loud and boorish fool (as outlined in many posts above), selfish to the nth degree, which makes him a miserable pain in the arse to everyone in his surroundings, dragging everyone down;
he does nothing if it doesn't benefit himself, yet will insanely talk all day long about how "altruistic" he is and how the world "owes" him;

in short, he is a person I wouldn't even want as a friend, actually not even as an acquaintance, and if we weren't related, I'd have run for the hills long ago.

It's looking like LC in the new year; perhaps even NC.