How do I heal from growing up with her?

[Aircookie]

My brother got remarried last night and my older BPD sister was there. I'm told she is doing better since moving out of my parents' house. She's holding down a job, looks healthy (not obese anymore), and is pleasant to be around, but I'm so angry with her. 2 years ago she attacked my Dad and scratched up his face. Then she notified us all to see what an abusive man he was. "Look what he made me do!" She was shocked when we called her on her elder abuse and demanded she move out. She was 50 years old! My Dad was 75. And it started, like always, so quietly. During the quarantine she restricted our access to my parents, and we let her because we've always just let her and avoided the arguing. We even said, "Mom and Dad raised her, now they can deal with it," because they turned a blind eye to the abuse we endured under my sister's hand while growing up and we thought it was karma that now she had only them to control. When we found out just how bad the abuse had become, well, I was ashamed but still angry (with my Mom, especially) that they just allowed it to get that bad! My mother won't stand up for herself but just submits and submits. And my Dad seeks peace at any cost. They had a dog who ran the household because they wouldn't take charge. Seriously, this little dog dictated when they left the house. They'd sneak out the back door to get away from him! So a BPD first born? Are you kidding, they were the worst at dealing with her or protecting the rest of us. So we got hit, verbally abused, and manipulated, gas lit, controlled. The emotional damage is enormous. And I'm still recovering from it. I chose my husband because he reminded me of her and yet gave me the love and respect I never got from her. But it's been a hard 22 years. I still think he's an a-hole much of the time, but he's now on anxiety medicine and the last few years have been good. I've cut her out of my life since that day 2 years ago and actively choose to not be around her. I'm polite at social events but there is not a relationship here. And yet, I woke up at 1:30am and couldn't sleep all night. This is very very unusual for me. I finally fell asleep at 6:30am, missing an important appointment at 9am. (Did I just self -sabotage)? When I did jolt myself out of sleep, I've felt like I'm the worst person for sleeping and missing the appointment, even though the person it was with forgives me and rescheduled for next week. I've spent the rest of this Sunday researching BPD online. I finally fell asleep when I realized I couldn't sleep because seeing my older BPD sister at the wedding really upset me. Even though she was well behaved and cordial. Well, now that I think about it, it's not her style to act out in front of others. She reserves that for the privacy of home. Her style is to be the perfect daughter, which she was. My mother puts great stock in appearance, especially weight control, and I have gained about 30-40 pounds since that awful violent day at my parent's house. It was a turning point acknowledging that they were helpless, too, and needed their kids to rescue them from their oldest. My brother drew the boundaries that day, supported by me and my other 2 sisters. I'm not sure the second oldest has forgiven him because she didn't fully support all the boundaries we drew. She's been the emotional support for the BPD eldest while I've been the scapegoat. The baby girl has been her little buddy all these years. They are both 6ft tall and called themselves "the powers on high". My BPD sister lets this baby sister (10 years younger) manipulate and coax her into doing things that she'd bite my head off for breathing about. I'm amazed at how hard each role has been on each of us. I feel lucky that I got cast as scape goat because the decision to cut ties with her was fairly easy. No guilt here...well, not as much as the others have.
So last night wasn't fun. I'm overweight and stressed and angry, and my BPD sister is trim and smiling and healthy and unapologetic and manipulative as sin. What is she plotting now? When will the next shoe drop? I think I'm worried for my brother's new wife and her 18 year old daughter. I just have so much baggage. How do I heal from this? How does our family heal from this? It hurts that we are so distant from each other.

[memom23]

I'm so sorry. That's a lot to unpack. What a lot of suffering you have all endured! All I can say is: 1) good for you for establishing boundaries two years ago and 2) get some support for yourself! You deserve a lot of self-care and healing. I've recently found a wonderful therapist, and between that, meditation, mindfulness, exercise, journaling, medication, and a lot of other tools too long to mention - I am starting to truly heal, and allow more joy into my life. I've put myself last for so long, hostage to my BPD daughter. I lived in fear of her next explosion - I could never predict when or where it was going to come from. Self-care is non-negotiable now. Healing is possible. Take care of you. You've suffered long enough.

[Aircookie]

Thank you. Just writing about the pain has helped. Your advise is good. I've cut off ties in anger, but after reading a lot on this site, I'm considering cutting off ties to heal. And to not feel selfish about that. This is a good site. I'm so glad I found you all.