The outcome after 8 months so far

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

exW and I have been separated now for almost 14 months. Divorce is still in the process. D13 is living with Ex and her parents.

The thing that is kind of getting complicated is the fact that she's trying to have our D stay more with me. So why is that a problem?

Well, first of all, our D is special needs. Mild case of autism, mild case of cerebral palsy (can walk alone), poor eyesight. Each of those would not be a problem, but combined they are. What D can do and our lifestyle is quite limited. She's getting more mature and better, but it's still limited compared to children without disabilities. And I'm alone with her. I have some assistance, but that's only on some days for couple of hours. Ex has her parents, plus the same support of several hours.

We agreed that D will be spending 5 days (with sleepovers) for 14 days during school. The Ex is now pushing to extend to 6 days and I'm afraid she will be vocal in the court for her idea, possibly prolonging and making this a long process.

She's also trying to 'equalize' her vacation time spent with D for me to compensate. For example, they are on vacation now for 9 days - Ex is trying to push the next week to stay with me. That's 7 full days. Why? "Because I was with her for 9 days and need to work and rest a bit". She didn't ask for my time, my work, anything. She just bumped a text with "D will be with you for 7 days starting from Friday". That's it. I called her back to explain that I have an assignment on Tuesday and Wednesday and can only have her stay 4 days with me. She didn't listen, just repeated herself without hearing me at all. She didn't even pretend to care.

I then lost temper, started shouting and yelling (no bad words, just incredibly frustrated, trying to state my ground), she hung up and texted back "that's not how we talk", proceeding with a wall of text how incredibly unreliable, manipulative, rude I am, I will see in court, etc. I texted back and said "I will return D on Tuesday" and she replied "Go ahead, I have seminars, you will face a locked door and an empty house".
She didn't mention any seminars, any specific date, nor stated anything specific before their vacation. She told me she'd need some days after to recuperate to which I agreed. But that was not 7d straight. That was few days more.

We don't share 50:50 parenting - she's the responsible one. I already agreed to pay quite large alimony that includes everything and is safe in the long run. Having daughter for 7 days straight means that my work is very limited, my private life almost suspended and that we are almost approaching a 50:50 parenting, with me still paying alimony money (there's no alimony in 50:50). I'm already very frustrated atm. D was on summer holidays for over 2 months and she already spent a full month with me.

I'm trying to impose my own boundaries the entire time but Ex crushes them with ease using brute force (not acknowledging my time, saying I'm her father, ending the talk, knowing to precisely push my buttons regarding our D, etc.). Wherever I try to be firm and adamant in my takes, she lashes out and destroys every meaningful and healthy connection we maintained for weeks. At those times it's like trying to reason with a 3y old child.
We are still waiting to go to court, but we are going for uncontested divorce. But the way it looks it will be contested and prolonged for who knows how long.

[Manic Miner]

exW and I have been separated now for almost 14 months. Divorce is still in the process. D13 is living with Ex and her parents.

The thing that is kind of getting complicated is the fact that she's trying to have our D stay more with me. So why is that a problem?

Well, first of all, our D is special needs. Mild case of autism, mild case of cerebral palsy (can walk alone), poor eyesight. Each of those would not be a problem, but combined they are. What D can do and our lifestyle is quite limited. She's getting more mature and better, but it's still limited compared to children without disabilities. And I'm alone with her. I have some assistance, but that's only on some days for couple of hours. Ex has her parents, plus the same support of several hours.

We agreed that D will be spending 5 days (with sleepovers) for 14 days during school. The Ex is now pushing to extend to 6 days and I'm afraid she will be vocal in the court for her idea, possibly prolonging and making this a long process.

She's also trying to 'equalize' her vacation time spent with D for me to compensate. For example, they are on vacation now for 9 days - Ex is trying to push the next week to stay with me. That's 7 full days. Why? "Because I was with her for 9 days and need to work and rest a bit". She didn't ask for my time, my work, anything. She just bumped a text with "D will be with you for 7 days starting from Friday". That's it. I called her back to explain that I have an assignment on Tuesday and Wednesday and can only have her stay 4 days with me. She didn't listen, just repeated herself without hearing me at all. She didn't even pretend to care.

I then lost temper, started shouting and yelling (no bad words, just incredibly frustrated, trying to state my ground), she hung up and texted back "that's not how we talk", proceeding with a wall of text how incredibly unreliable, manipulative, rude I am, I will see in court, etc. I texted back and said "I will return D on Tuesday" and she replied "Go ahead, I have seminars, you will face a locked door and an empty house".
She didn't mention any seminars, any specific date, nor stated anything specific before their vacation. She told me she'd need some days after to recuperate to which I agreed. But that was not 7d straight. That was few days more.

We don't share 50:50 parenting - she's the responsible one. I already agreed to pay quite large alimony that includes everything and is safe in the long run. Having daughter for 7 days straight means that my work is very limited, my private life almost suspended and that we are almost approaching a 50:50 parenting, with me still paying alimony money (there's no alimony in 50:50). I'm already very frustrated atm. D was on summer holidays for over 2 months and she already spent a full month with me.

I'm trying to impose my own boundaries the entire time but Ex crushes them with ease using brute force (not acknowledging my time, saying I'm her father, ending the talk, knowing to precisely push my buttons regarding our D, etc.). Wherever I try to be firm and adamant in my takes, she lashes out and destroys every meaningful and healthy connection we maintained for weeks. At those times it's like trying to reason with a 3y old child.
We are still waiting to go to court, but we are going for uncontested divorce. But the way it looks it will be contested and prolonged for who knows how long.

[GaGrl]

Alimony is separate from custody/child support.

What is your custody and child support agreement, as opposed to your alimony agreement?

You should not be trying to mix the two.

[Manic Miner]

Alimony is separate from custody/child support.

What is your custody and child support agreement, as opposed to your alimony agreement?

You should not be trying to mix the two.

I'm from Europe and those two are on the same agreement. One is concerning child support, like days and time I spend with a child on various occasions. The other one is the amount to pay to the care-giving parent (mother) for support that is 1/2 of the total pay that child will get per month (meaning mother will provide the other 1/2).

If there's 50:50 parenting, there's no alimony, as each parent has the same rights and provide roughly 50% of everything or based on their mutual agreement.

If you were asking about alimony for Ex, you only pay alimony if she or he is unable to work, has insufficient funds to live or is unemployed. All of these must be met. Generally speaking, you rarely pay a spousal alimony when there's no kids involved. That's how it works here.

[EyesUp]

A few comments, not intended to judge - only to help.

First, you need to get your temper 100% under control.  Never raise your voice.  It will only come back to bite you.  From now on, you need to be above and beyond reproach.

Next, if your Ex threatens further litigation - don't respond. Instead, prepare. Keep a meticulous journal of the schedule as well as a concise journal of these interactions. If at some point you are drawn into a legal conflict, be prepared to file a counter-motion and present your evidence that your D's mom is not honoring the agreement and you wish to seek a modification to reflect the true division of time. You may even go so far as to file for a modification first rather than waiting for your Ex to take action.

Finally, the hardest one. Is there any way you can identify additional resources or support for your D? It sounds like the conflict with your Ex may continue, so you need to be prepared for anything and your D should always come first. Do you have any concerns about your Ex's ability to care for your D?

No easy solutions here, and yes I've put all the responsibility for everything squarely on you.  I don't know how the process works in the EU, but if it's anything like the US you need to be superdad. I appreciate that your D has unique needs, so you need to be unique superdad.   

Nothing about this is easy - I wish you and your D good luck navigating through this.

[ForeverDad]

First, you need to get your temper 100% under control.  Never raise your voice.  It will only come back to bite you.  From now on, you need to be above and beyond reproach.

Next, if your Ex threatens further litigation - don't respond. Instead, prepare.

So true, while your ex may do all sorts of antics and get away with much of it before the court, men are held to a higher standard.  You do not want to gift her the slightest hint of "a threatening tone", as an ex is likely to claim, or your ex may jump around claiming fear, abuse or DV.

To help keep a cool temperament, imagine the judge looking over your shoulder, monitoring you.

Finally, the hardest one. Is there any way you can identify additional resources or support for your D? It sounds like the conflict with your Ex may continue, so you need to be prepared for anything and your D should always come first. Do you have any concerns about your Ex's ability to care for your D?

No easy solutions here, and yes I've put all the responsibility for everything squarely on you.  I don't know how the process works in the EU, but if it's anything like the US you need to be superdad. I appreciate that your D has unique needs, so you need to be unique superdad.

Around here we advocate that our members, as reasonably normal parents, are the very best persons to care for the children.  If there is any way to make it work, then find a way.  After all, our children are precious, not second or third level of priorities, you find alternative support services to handle the extra care needed for what you can't do or don't have time for yourself.

Perhaps you can hire a sitter or even a part-time home attendant.  Such additional costs should be deducted from any alimony agreement.  You would be foolish not to have a clause to handle that likely scenario.  Will this work for you?  If so, see how simple it is to ponder the situation and devise some alternate solutions (that actually enable you to be a more involved and more empowered parent)?

I suspect - strongly - that after you reach whatever agreement your stbEx wants, she will almost certainly dump more parenting time on you.  Therefore be sure to have a clause in there that adjusts the "alimony" she desires to match the percentage of care she dumps on you... while below 50% then alimony ends.

To repeat, don't ever complain that you have been "gifted" too much time or authority.  Rather, have a clause that addresses how to adjust the alimony or support when parenting changes.

Otherwise, all too soon you will have a lot of parenting and still be paying alimony she is holding out for.

Would the proposed alimony end at age 18 in 4-5 years?

[Manic Miner]

Thanks guys, some nice suggestions and observations here.

First, you need to get your temper 100% under control.  Never raise your voice.  It will only come back to bite you.  From now on, you need to be above and beyond reproach.

Yes, I understand, I know. I was unprepared for this. She was literally 'ghosting me' in real time. Like effectively not listening, hearing, noticing, just repeating and imposing her demands. This came after a 'good wave' when I thought she finally settled with our agreements and a healthy relationship we maintained for our D.

We do have a personal assistant that is free and provided by the govt's healthcare service. She's very nice and our D loves her. But the caveat is that she's only available for 4h a day and 3x per week (incl. weekends). While that does help, the most time consuming parts of the day that I have with D she cannot do. Also if I'm out or need to work, I only have 4h time frame to sort everything and get back.

I could try to find a sitter and have that sorted in alimony clause, like Forever Dad said, but I know exactly what my EX would do then - she'd say that she also needs one, because of her work, so if I cut my alimony money to pay for my sitter, she won't have enough to pay for hers. Maybe the judge will see that it does not make sense to have full alimony if D would spend more than 40% time with me.

Even now, the way it is and what we both agreed and signed on, our D spends 10 sleepover days per month with me during school. That's 1/3 of the month or 33% of time and Ex still receives full alimony because of her special needs, holidays, excursions, clothing, etc.

My Ex is the master to play back and forth games, to 'equalize' our responsibilities, even though she's the sole caregiver and a parent responsible for D - by the law. Totally unaware that I'm already providing more time, care and money than I'm obliged to do.

She's always reminding me how she's a mother with incredible responsibilities and I'm there to support her and our D.
In a nutshell, she tries to impose 50:50 parenting, by her own standards and demands, while receiving alimony money like she's the sole parent.

Would the proposed alimony end at age 18 in 4-5 years?

No, she's SN. There are some changes after 18y, as there are some assessments every year or so to check whether she's able to work. The amount or form will change but I don't expect it to end.

Do you have any concerns about your Ex's ability to care for your D?

No. Not while she's living with her parents at least. My Ex is a language teacher and a very good one. Teaching wise and spending time with our D, she was always great, kind and very creative. I was never worried.
Where I do have concerns is her time and organizing skills - she is a terrible time organizer outside of her job. She forgets, gets lost and then tends to shift responsibilities (if I am involved 1% you can bet all your money I will be the one called). You get the picture. Also her money allocation is questionable at best. She was never a spender, but definitely could save much more on careful planning. Something she always lacked and was my task when we were together.

[ForeverDad]

Perhaps it would be better for any support moneys, and especially once she's the age of an adult, be paid into an account managed by a professional?

How else would you reduce the risk of a parent having sticky fingers?  I know you're trying to reach a settlement, but often settlements are too one-sided in favor of the entitled problem parent until a big hearing or trial is looming.  Then the entitlement weakens and true negotiations begin.  That is what often happens with our members.

[Manic Miner]

Perhaps it would be better for any support moneys, and especially once she's the age of an adult, be paid into an account managed by a professional?

Not familiar with that, but will check it out. If anything for the future.

I know you're trying to reach a settlement, but often settlements are too one-sided in favor of the entitled problem parent until a big hearing or trial is looming.  Then the entitlement weakens and true negotiations begin.  That is what often happens with our members.

Yes, I understand. It's something I hope too (the settlement, to finally close this chapter of my life), but the way I see it now, I know exactly what you're talking about. We'll see. Since she's a high-conflict personality that thinks the world (me) owes her a lot, I can easily see the trial.

The good news is, I know exactly what I did in the last 7 months, above and beyond our agreement and more.