I thought I was doing better, but I'm struggling this week

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

As a quick refresher, my ex is a woman with BPD and plenty of NPD it turns out.  It's been a little over 4 months since the final break-up.  I will spare everyone the details of what led up to it - it's the typical.  She was verbally, physically and emotionally abusive (the screaming in my face, spitting at me, hitting me, kicking in doors, and the most hateful words ever spoken to me).  Then each time I set my boundaries, she would say she didn't want to live without me and I would try again.  This included three times when I started to pack my stuff to move out, only to try again. 

I'm really struggling with two main areas.  First, the day of the final break-up was so bizarre and I still can't make any sense of it.  We had a minor conflict the night before because she was over an hour late getting home leaving me to take care of her responsibilities for the night - all it was, was that she promised to get home from pickleball in time to take care of the dogs which I did 6 nights out of 7 because of her PB playing.  I didn't yell, I just told her that it bothered me that she didn't stick to her promise.  She hated when I called her out.  Anyway... the following morning she was naked in the bathroom and I came in and started hugging her and she melted into me like she used to do.  It was always so sweet - those precious moments when that aching inner child of hers was briefly vulnerable.  When I got to work I texted her about how nice the hug was earlier and she texted back that she loves it when I hold her like that with heart and kiss emojis.  She broke up with me that afternoon.  I can't make sense of it and I hate that I keep thinking about it.

Since the break-up there was the issue of the house we co-owned.  I ended up letting her buy me out for a very small amount ($3,000) because I just wanted to be done.  She has been so hateful, disdainful and contemptuous towards me since the last talk we had at the house shortly after the break-up when she told me I was best relationship we ever had.  She tells me that she only agreed to buy the house because I "made" her.  She claims the same thing about her moving to my city - I "made" her.  There is a whole other story about that, she was so into moving here, and then she would act resentful and claimed that if she moved to my city, I would cheat on her.  Which of course, I didn't.  I told her at least 4 times not to move here if it results in resentment and that we can figure something else out.  She claims I never even said that.

I am probably rambling now.  The bottom line is that I filed all of the house deed paperwork this week, turning the house over to her.  Much like the relationship I took care of everything including all of the utility and other service accounts, all the legal work, all the courhouse filings, like she is a 12 year old.  I sent her a "goodbye" kind of email Tuesday afternoon, walking her through how to set up all of her own accounts and the practical items that still need attention in the house - even after all of her contempt, I was still helping her.  I included a last paragraph thanking her for the good times, and telling her I will always care about her and that I send her love and light energy and best wishes for her future.  And to take care of herself.  SHE DIDN'T EVEN RESPOND!  And I know it shouldn't hurt because I'm so better off, but it hurts so much.  We lived together for three years, all of my friends and people that know the both of us always talked about how much I put up with from her.  And she doesn't give a PLEASE READ. 

During the idealization phase she pursued me like a stalker!  My friends told me she was obsessive and there is something wrong with her.  She would always tell me that I was the love of her life, her soulmate, she will alwasy love me forever, she wants to have kids together, yadda, yadda, yadda.  When she first started to pursue me I had a girlfriend already.  I told the BPD that she needs to slow down, that I have much to figure out and I would take some time.  She would email me that I'm ghosting her and I am mistreating her and how could I treat her like this, etc.  Then an hour later, she'd send another email telling me I'm the love of her life, she loves me unconditionally, she doesn't care how long it takes, she can be happy just knowing I am alive and she gets to love me from a distance.  Then an hour later she's furious again. 

Here's the other weird thing, since the break-up when we have had to interact in person, she was different, even nice, even sentinmental a little bit at times.  But by email and text, she is so hateful and contemptuous and just plain mean and cold.  And I am struggling with this.  How can she come to hate me so much, when I have actually done so much for her - EVEN SINCE THE BREAK-UP.  How could she melt into me and break up with me in the same freakin' day??  I am struggling this week, I guess because with the house settled, it's finally over.  I'll probably never hear from her again. 

Oh, and of course, she didn't do her break-up thing until she had her next sponsor/caretaker all lined up.  She claimed she never cheated, but there is a guy at work she admires.  This was two days after the break-up.  Then two days after that, she made out with him at a bar.  I was pressing her for the truth about what is going on, but she held to swearing she never cheated.  She says it was because she had another session that day with her new "counselor" who told her I was abusive and she needs to get out of the relationship.  I am not and I was not abusive, though I did yell a few times after she had spit on me or told me she hated me and wishes I was dead, or screamed PLEASE READ you two inches from my face. 

Ultimately I guess the reason doesn't matter, but this kind of break-up is so traumitizing and such a hit to self worth.  It's just so hard to understand her contempt for me.  I never cheated on her, I never hit her, I made her the number 1 priority of my life, I bought her a diamond promise ring, I gave her freedom, etc., etc.  It's just so bizarre and surreal that this woman even within the last few weeks before the break-up was telling me she doesn't want to live without me.  The emotional discard of these people is so freakin' painful and it sucks so bad when I have a bad day. 

[thecrusader]

As a quick refresher, my ex is a woman with BPD and plenty of NPD it turns out.  It's been a little over 4 months since the final break-up.  I will spare everyone the details of what led up to it - it's the typical.  She was verbally, physically and emotionally abusive (the screaming in my face, spitting at me, hitting me, kicking in doors, and the most hateful words ever spoken to me).  Then each time I set my boundaries, she would say she didn't want to live without me and I would try again.  This included three times when I started to pack my stuff to move out, only to try again. 

I'm really struggling with two main areas.  First, the day of the final break-up was so bizarre and I still can't make any sense of it.  We had a minor conflict the night before because she was over an hour late getting home leaving me to take care of her responsibilities for the night - all it was, was that she promised to get home from pickleball in time to take care of the dogs which I did 6 nights out of 7 because of her PB playing.  I didn't yell, I just told her that it bothered me that she didn't stick to her promise.  She hated when I called her out.  Anyway... the following morning she was naked in the bathroom and I came in and started hugging her and she melted into me like she used to do.  It was always so sweet - those precious moments when that aching inner child of hers was briefly vulnerable.  When I got to work I texted her about how nice the hug was earlier and she texted back that she loves it when I hold her like that with heart and kiss emojis.  She broke up with me that afternoon.  I can't make sense of it and I hate that I keep thinking about it.

Since the break-up there was the issue of the house we co-owned.  I ended up letting her buy me out for a very small amount ($3,000) because I just wanted to be done.  She has been so hateful, disdainful and contemptuous towards me since the last talk we had at the house shortly after the break-up when she told me I was best relationship we ever had.  She tells me that she only agreed to buy the house because I "made" her.  She claims the same thing about her moving to my city - I "made" her.  There is a whole other story about that, she was so into moving here, and then she would act resentful and claimed that if she moved to my city, I would cheat on her.  Which of course, I didn't.  I told her at least 4 times not to move here if it results in resentment and that we can figure something else out.  She claims I never even said that.

I am probably rambling now.  The bottom line is that I filed all of the house deed paperwork this week, turning the house over to her.  Much like the relationship I took care of everything including all of the utility and other service accounts, all the legal work, all the courhouse filings, like she is a 12 year old.  I sent her a "goodbye" kind of email Tuesday afternoon, walking her through how to set up all of her own accounts and the practical items that still need attention in the house - even after all of her contempt, I was still helping her.  I included a last paragraph thanking her for the good times, and telling her I will always care about her and that I send her love and light energy and best wishes for her future.  And to take care of herself.  SHE DIDN'T EVEN RESPOND!  And I know it shouldn't hurt because I'm so better off, but it hurts so much.  We lived together for three years, all of my friends and people that know the both of us always talked about how much I put up with from her.  And she doesn't give a PLEASE READ. 

During the idealization phase she pursued me like a stalker!  My friends told me she was obsessive and there is something wrong with her.  She would always tell me that I was the love of her life, her soulmate, she will alwasy love me forever, she wants to have kids together, yadda, yadda, yadda.  When she first started to pursue me I had a girlfriend already.  I told the BPD that she needs to slow down, that I have much to figure out and I would take some time.  She would email me that I'm ghosting her and I am mistreating her and how could I treat her like this, etc.  Then an hour later, she'd send another email telling me I'm the love of her life, she loves me unconditionally, she doesn't care how long it takes, she can be happy just knowing I am alive and she gets to love me from a distance.  Then an hour later she's furious again. 

Here's the other weird thing, since the break-up when we have had to interact in person, she was different, even nice, even sentinmental a little bit at times.  But by email and text, she is so hateful and contemptuous and just plain mean and cold.  And I am struggling with this.  How can she come to hate me so much, when I have actually done so much for her - EVEN SINCE THE BREAK-UP.  How could she melt into me and break up with me in the same freakin' day??  I am struggling this week, I guess because with the house settled, it's finally over.  I'll probably never hear from her again. 

Oh, and of course, she didn't do her break-up thing until she had her next sponsor/caretaker all lined up.  She claimed she never cheated, but there is a guy at work she admires.  This was two days after the break-up.  Then two days after that, she made out with him at a bar.  I was pressing her for the truth about what is going on, but she held to swearing she never cheated.  She says it was because she had another session that day with her new "counselor" who told her I was abusive and she needs to get out of the relationship.  I am not and I was not abusive, though I did yell a few times after she had spit on me or told me she hated me and wishes I was dead, or screamed PLEASE READ you two inches from my face. 

Ultimately I guess the reason doesn't matter, but this kind of break-up is so traumitizing and such a hit to self worth.  It's just so hard to understand her contempt for me.  I never cheated on her, I never hit her, I made her the number 1 priority of my life, I bought her a diamond promise ring, I gave her freedom, etc., etc.  It's just so bizarre and surreal that this woman even within the last few weeks before the break-up was telling me she doesn't want to live without me.  The emotional discard of these people is so freakin' painful and it sucks so bad when I have a bad day. 

[thecrusader]

Strangely enough, shortly after I posted this, she texted me about one of the bills.  She was being condescending and disdainful.  We had a brief exchange in which she presented herself as being the mature one and the "healthy" one.  Ugh, it's tough to take.  It ended up with "I wish you the very best in life!"  She even said she apologized for making me feel disrespected since the break-up and the "understands" that I feel that way.  It was like a quote from a relationship textbook.  Of course, she never spoke this way during the relationship. 

She did it again.  She found a way to make me look like the bad guy, the unhealthy guy, etc.  She seems so over it and past it already.  It's like she just decided in her mind that the relationship was all bad and she has moved on and life is good again, etc.  And that hurts.

I have re-read texts and emails and even posts on here.  It seems that in my case, the first couple of years were spent dealing with the resentments she had built up while I was still with my previous girlfriend and my BPD expected me to just drop everything and be with her.  I think during that time, I spent so much time and energy trying to "prove" myself to her. 

I think I just realized something that also makes recovery so difficult.  As I spend those first couple of years dealing with her resentments, I expended a lot of love and emotion and energy trying to "prove" myself to her... trying to earn her trust and accomodating her.  And over time, that drains a person, expecially when the BPD is kind of "ratcheting" down the whole time requiring more and more proving to her that I am worthy, etc.  And after a while, my fuel tank starts to empty and I don't have as much to give, and I am starting to feel like I need some back.  And that's when I started to become more and more needy, because she had sucked the life out of me.  And, of course, at that time she starts to look at me more with disdain because I am being more needy and she needs to be more social and spend time with friends and yadda, yadda.  And then it's a slippery slope from there.

Man, this recovery is tough... very tough.   

[Heartbroken94]

I think I just realized something that also makes recovery so difficult.  As I spend those first couple of years dealing with her resentments, I expended a lot of love and emotion and energy trying to "prove" myself to her... trying to earn her trust and accomodating her.  And over time, that drains a person, expecially when the BPD is kind of "ratcheting" down the whole time requiring more and more proving to her that I am worthy, etc.  And after a while, my fuel tank starts to empty and I don't have as much to give, and I am starting to feel like I need some back.  And that's when I started to become more and more needy, because she had sucked the life out of me.  And, of course, at that time she starts to look at me more with disdain because I am being more needy and she needs to be more social and spend time with friends and yadda, yadda.  And then it's a slippery slope from there.

Man, this recovery is tough... very tough.    

Hi there,

Obviously no two situations are exactly alike, but wow, there are aspects of what you describe that seem very familiar to my own experience. The above, in particular, is right on the money. The analogy of the fuel tank getting drained (it's as though we basically lose our identities, I think), and not getting anything back, is exactly what I feel I experienced as well.

I know there's no magic words anyone can say to make it better, but I would repeat the refrain that I've read on this forum many times--it's one that I take a lot of comfort in: you're not alone. Thanks so much for sharing.

[thecrusader]

Thank you heartbroken94.  I am thankful for your response and this forum.  It's so hard to find sympathetic ears, because these BPD women are so charming and endearing to the people they come across in life.  They only show their BPD side to their sponsors/caretakers.  I take comfort knowing that others have gone through it too. 

[Pook075]

Hi Crusader.  Just a couple of quick things before I run out the door:

1) Bad days/weeks are common.  You did love her and your feelings were real.  If you could just cast them aside and forget about her, that would be a pretty big red flag.  Don't try to run from that because that's not who you are.  You're still healing and that will take time.

2) Her breaking up with you after a nice morning was very similar to my situation.  After we separated, my wife came home twice and both times, things were going well.  Then she inexplicably announced that it's over out of nowhere.  Don't try to solve this mystery because it's something that happens in a mentally disordered person's head.  The easy explanation (for you and me) is that they had their eye on someone else and it was the path of least resistance.  New relationships are fun...fixing old relationships aren't.  It's probably that simple.  Likewise, don't try to figure out if she was cheating beforehand or anything like that, because it truly doesn't matter if it was in her head or in real life.  She made a decision to leave and move on...that's the part that actually matters.

3)  The recovery is tough because your feelings were genuine.  The best path forward is focusing your energy into something else, something productive both physically and mentally.  Find the new you and it will start to get easier.  Analyzing the past will literally drive you crazy because there's no real answers.

4)  For the part about treating her better than she treated you, and being painted as the "bad guy", that's BPD 101 since they always have to be the victim in their own story.  There's nothing you can do about that and you have to accept it.  Everyone told me how horrible I was to my ex for months and how I did so many things wrong.  But now they're asking me what happened because they still have no idea what I could have done.  The truth is that I didn't do anything, the relationship simply imploded from disordered thinking and instability.  People who care about you will see that in time.

[Augustine]

  I can't make sense of it and I hate that I keep thinking about it.

It’s understandable, as trying to impose order on chaos is a fundamental human trait. 

However, there is a danger in trying to construct a normal apparatus around the borderline behaviours that will stand up to scrutiny, as the borderline misperceives, misinterprets, and misbehaves by definition, so there will never be a bona fide understanding that isn’t directly linked to the diagnostic criteria.

Think of what has occurred to you as an Act of God, and let’s go through the list:

i. which involves no human agency

The borderline sense of agency is not functionally present due to their “Identity disturbance with markedly or persistently unstable self-image or sense of self”

ii. which is not realistically possible to guard against.

Self-evident.

iii. which is due directly and exclusively to natural causes, and

Self-evident.

iiii. which could not have been prevented with any amount of foresight, plans, and care.

The borderline pathology is a one-way reaction delivering only one outcome: tragedy. It cannot be understood, reasoned with, or incorporated.

Another common error is in thinking that the borderline sees the world from our reference frame.

Whereas you and I will see things linearly, the borderline sees the world as recursive fractal spiralling into infinity, with no stable reference points whatsoever.

Trying to incorporate their behaviour into our reference frame truly is like trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole.

However, this is one of the two areas where you can get bogged down for months: trying to make sense of insane behaviour.  It’s a fruitless enterprise, and why radical acceptance is foundational in moving forward.

The second area where people get stuck is in their misunderstanding of the borderline’s ability to seemingly move on from their partner so easily.

As mentioned, BPD is a very serious mental illness, and borderlines do not perceive subjects; they only see objects. This is also why ruminating excessively on the failed relationship is counter productive in every sense except as a means to avoid these couplings in the future, or to ward off reconciliation attempts.

-There never was a you in the relationship from the borderline’s perspective.

- The behaviours either had nothing to do with you, or it was obliquely related to you; it was never personalized.

- They are not equipped to deal with relationships, or reality.

- It’s very tempting to analyze the relationship down to the level of atomic distances, but it soon becomes a compulsive pattern of behaviour if practiced for long, akin to digging yourself into the ground.

[thecrusader]

Pook and Augustine, I thank you both deeply.  I'm going to have to discipline my own inner dialogue as much as I can to simply stop trying to figure any of it out except why, when I saw the signs earlier on, I didn't leave before she even had the chance to fully attach and then emotionally discard and cause my tailspin so to speak.  My compulsion to try to "save" her and to feel so sorry for her those times I saw the glimpses of her deepest pain.

[Augustine]

Pook and Augustine, I thank you both deeply.  I'm going to have to discipline my own inner dialogue as much as I can to simply stop trying to figure any of it out except why, when I saw the signs earlier on, I didn't leave before she even had the chance to fully attach and then emotionally discard and cause my tailspin so to speak.  My compulsion to try to "save" her and to feel so sorry for her those times I saw the glimpses of her deepest pain.

Never apologize for being high in conscientiousness, and agreeableness, and the scourge of these couplings resides in us second-guessing our best attributes during, and afterwards.
 
It’s normal to want to aid our partner in their times of distress, and unconscionable to conduct oneself otherwise.

This is purely a recommendation, but the key to wellness is bridging that cognitive gap between the borderline behaviour we’ve all experienced, and the mental illness.  

There are a number of resources on YouTube that I found  immensely helpful: Dr. Todd Grande’s series on BPD; Borderlinernotes; and Lise Leblanc.

With minor exceptions, we all experienced the same behaviour.  

What you can extract from this statement is that it was never about you from the beginning.  Yes, their mental illness is exacerbated by relationships, but the behaviour isn’t conditional on the partner’s worth/faults/etc.  

I seem to be in the minority here, as I desperately wanted out of my relationship.

This is not to say that I didn’t love and care for her.  It was just an acknowledgement that the coupling was inherently unsound, and I was more of a caretaker in the final few years than a partner.

Don’t forget this:

You’re not the one with a mental illness that is so all encompassing that you have to destroy all of your intimate relationships.