My bpd mom's birthday is soon. Conflicted about seeing her

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I would like to see her but it means a day or two of feeling very depressed after my visit. There will be no party or cake as she doesn't want one.

Am not sure what to do.

[TelHill]

I would like to see her but it means a day or two of feeling very depressed after my visit. There will be no party or cake as she doesn't want one.

Am not sure what to do.

[zachira]

TelHill,
One of the biggest challenges of having an emotionally dysregulated close family member, especially a mother, is learning early in life to take on the feelings that the disordered family member projects on to you, because they cannot face their own feelings. The best piece of advice my therapist ever gave me was when in the presence of a disordered person is to observe how I was feeling inside. Following this advice, helped me to own my feelings instead of observing in great depth how the other person was feeling and then taking on their feelings. Is your mother depressed? My mother was severely depressed and I did not realize for most of my life how this affected my tendency to be depressed. Whether you go to see your mother on her birthday or not, can you make a chart of what feelings are yours and which feelings belong to you and perhaps share it with us?

[Methuen]

This is really tough Telhill.

When I have dilemmas like this, I write out a list of pros and cons for each side.  It helps me analyze the problem more rationally.  That’s just what works for me.

At the end of the day, I find that for me it comes down to balancing my need for safety with my need to fulfill my sense of duty as a daughter.

It’s just really tough to find the balance.

What are the issues for you?

[TelHill]

It was decided for me since we have unhealthy air conditions in our area due to fires to the north of us. Staying close to home.

Will see her next week.

[Tangled mangled]

This is really tough Telhill.

When I have dilemmas like this, I write out a list of pros and cons for each side.  It helps me analyze the problem more rationally.  That’s just what works for me.

At the end of the day, I find that for me it comes down to balancing my need for safety with my need to fulfill my sense of duty as a daughter.

It’s just really tough to find the balance.

What are the issues for you?

I respect daughters like you Methuen who can still manage to engage with their bpd mothers. The courage you must have each time you interact her and dealing with the recurring grief that’s triggered.

I gave up on my loyalty and sense of duty to my parents especially my mother. She was bent on destroying me and at almost 40 I’m only realising the impact of the damage she has done in my life.
I’ve no intentions of resuming contact with mine and it’s so much easier as she lives in a different continent.

The thought of sending my mum a text triggers distress and depression in me and can totally relate to what Tehill posted.