Adult Trauma causes of BPD

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello all,
It took me 4-5 weeks after a breakup to realize that I had been involved with someone who fits the description for BPD like a hand in glove. Very difficult to get this off my mind, although everything clicked when I read the description of BPD and have no (conscious) interest in getting further involved with her.

My question is whether others have experience or thoughts on whether trauma experienced as an adult is/can be an antecedent of BPD.

The person I was involved with was upfront initially that she had been through breast cancer in her 20s, which is now recurring, and had a suicide of a close family member. I was absorbing this and sort of coded it into my impression of her, as having some kind of PTSD. But the relationship-specific behavior completely blindsided me.

She wasn't entirely lacking self-awareness. She was a bit more awkward and robotic than passionate (partly cultural). I wonder whether her BPD could have been recent-onset, as van der Kolk and others say trauma is the root of BPD. I can't help but wonder whether she can heal.

I'm having a hard time accepting rule #9 of this site, that there's nothing I can do to help this deeply suffering person. 

[524_316]

Hello all,
It took me 4-5 weeks after a breakup to realize that I had been involved with someone who fits the description for BPD like a hand in glove. Very difficult to get this off my mind, although everything clicked when I read the description of BPD and have no (conscious) interest in getting further involved with her.

My question is whether others have experience or thoughts on whether trauma experienced as an adult is/can be an antecedent of BPD.

The person I was involved with was upfront initially that she had been through breast cancer in her 20s, which is now recurring, and had a suicide of a close family member. I was absorbing this and sort of coded it into my impression of her, as having some kind of PTSD. But the relationship-specific behavior completely blindsided me.

She wasn't entirely lacking self-awareness. She was a bit more awkward and robotic than passionate (partly cultural). I wonder whether her BPD could have been recent-onset, as van der Kolk and others say trauma is the root of BPD. I can't help but wonder whether she can heal.

I'm having a hard time accepting rule #9 of this site, that there's nothing I can do to help this deeply suffering person. 

[StartingHealing]

Hello all,
It took me 4-5 weeks after a breakup to realize that I had been involved with someone who fits the description for BPD like a hand in glove. Very difficult to get this off my mind, although everything clicked when I read the description of BPD and have no (conscious) interest in getting further involved with her.

My question is whether others have experience or thoughts on whether trauma experienced as an adult is/can be an antecedent of BPD.

The person I was involved with was upfront initially that she had been through breast cancer in her 20s, which is now recurring, and had a suicide of a close family member. I was absorbing this and sort of coded it into my impression of her, as having some kind of PTSD. But the relationship-specific behavior completely blindsided me.

She wasn't entirely lacking self-awareness. She was a bit more awkward and robotic than passionate (partly cultural). I wonder whether her BPD could have been recent-onset, as van der Kolk and others say trauma is the root of BPD. I can't help but wonder whether she can heal.

I'm having a hard time accepting rule #9 of this site, that there's nothing I can do to help this deeply suffering person. 

It sounds like you care for this person.  I cannot speak to the cause of BPD in people.  Is it genetic? Is it nurture? Is it "only" trauma?  Is it a mixture of some sort?  It's for those 30 pound brain people to figure out.  She can get better but she is the one that has to put in the work.  We didn't cause it, we can't control it, we can't cure it. And in my experience, helping turns into something else that can leave lasting scars after you recover from it.

I bid you clarity in this.  Best of luck

[once removed]

My question is whether others have experience or thoughts on whether trauma experienced as an adult is/can be an antecedent of BPD.

borderline personality disorder is on a spectrum of severity.

on the lighter end of the spectrum, you have what would be called "bpd traits". this may make for a very difficult person, and/or one that lives with/causes a lot of turmoil, but may not reach the threshold for a diagnosis. toward the end of the spectrum, you have borderline personality disorder, or severe borderline personality disorder.

whats the difference? generally, the level/amount of suffering that the person is experiencing as a result of these personality traits and coping methods. crisis is usually what leads to a diagnosis.

could someone with bpd traits experience a trauma later on in life, have great difficulty coping, and reach the threshold for a diagnosis where they might not have earlier? yes, it is possible.

I was absorbing this and sort of coded it into my impression of her, as having some kind of PTSD.

mind you, a lot of things can "look like bpd", including ptsd.

Complicating Factors  When we encounter high conflict or destructive relationship behaviors it is important for us to know that the problems can be caused by a broad range of things that look a lot a like:

    immaturity,
    short term mental illness (e.g., depression),
    substance induced illness (e.g., alcoholism),
    a mood disorder (e.g., bipolar),
    an anxiety disorder (e.g., PTSD),
    a personality disorder (e.g., BPD, NPD, 8 others),
    a neurodevelopmental disorder (e.g., ADHD, Aspergers), or
    any combination of the above (i.e., co-morbidity).

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorder

I'm having a hard time accepting rule #9 of this site, that there's nothing I can do to help this deeply suffering person.  

i think that article is making two points.

1. you cant cure her of whatever ails her, or resolve this for her
2. as a former romantic partner, youre in an awkward position to help, with your own healing to do. it doesnt mean "thou shalt not help this person".

It took me 4-5 weeks after a breakup to realize that I had been involved with someone who fits the description for BPD like a hand in glove. Very difficult to get this off my mind, although everything clicked when I read the description of BPD and have no (conscious) interest in getting further involved with her.

it would help us to better understand how things played out. what happened? did you break up with her?

[524_316]

helping turns into something else that can leave lasting scars after you recover from it.

I bid you clarity in this.  Best of luck

Yeah, I have been ping-ponging between wanting to punish her, and wanting to help, and then wanting to punish her for not accepting that she needs help. It's her total lack of sentimentality and 'getting away with it scott-free,' quickly pivoting to the attention of others, that has kind of added friction for me moving on.

Thanks for your thoughts - it's helpful.

[524_316]

borderline personality disorder is on a spectrum of severity.

on the lighter end of the spectrum, you have what would be called "bpd traits". this may make for a very difficult person, and/or one that lives with/causes a lot of turmoil, but may not reach the threshold for a diagnosis. toward the end of the spectrum, you have borderline personality disorder, or severe borderline personality disorder.

whats the difference? generally, the level/amount of suffering that the person is experiencing as a result of these personality traits and coping methods. crisis is usually what leads to a diagnosis.

could someone with bpd traits experience a trauma later on in life, have great difficulty coping, and reach the threshold for a diagnosis where they might not have earlier? yes, it is possible.

mind you, a lot of things can "look like bpd", including ptsd.

i think that article is making two points.

1. you cant cure her of whatever ails her, or resolve this for her
2. as a former romantic partner, youre in an awkward position to help, with your own healing to do. it doesnt mean "thou shalt not help this person".

it would help us to better understand how things played out. what happened? did you break up with her?

Thanks for your helpful observations. Yes, there are no real types in human psychology, we're all somewhere on every spectrum. Just as people who can be described as BPD don't acknowledge their flaws, neither do we. I agree with the folks (like van der Kolk) who say that it's not about the symptoms, it's about the causes. So the labels can be unhelpful.

This person I was involved with definitely had a lot of bad cards dealt to her in adult life, and I'm not sure whether her BPD traits even go back to adolescence. She certainly has some of the traits of c-PTSD and also narcissism, having avoided relationships until she didn't, and then the stress of the relationship itself probably triggered her BPD behavior - the thermonuclear meltdown at the suggestion of abandonment.

I think I got into this mess because I cared more about her welfare than my own, and I can't be the only one who experienced that..(?) Finding it impossible not to empathize with her, even if she treated me appallingly. When I was ending this relationship with her, I made an index card that said "UNABLE" on it, and that helped remind me that it's not her intentions driving this, she's just unable to be in a relationship, unable to be what I need. It helped.

You're right, I'm not in a good position to help her, but it makes me sad because she has no one, really. Like a lot of people, she lives in a cocoon relying 100% on online relationships with strangers. I recently lost a close friend, too young, to alcoholism and had a similar conversation with a mutual friend; you can't help the guy and he has to help himself, and he doesn't. Still, when you are best friends with someone and then have to leave him by the side of the road in life, to his own devices, there's something not human about that. We're social animals, pretending in the modern world that we can just block and delete each other when they don't suit us. I'm going to be fine, but she won't.

It would be easier to move on if I thought she was "just like this," but I really think it's the result of trauma she's experienced over the age of 25. I don't think she's a hopeless case, but I wouldn't want to get back with her, even if she got fixed.

Thanks again for your comments.