Is there hope for us when we didn't raise SD that is pwBPD?

[StepMothering]

Two years ago my now 31-year-old SD was brought to us by her ex because he thought she was going to kill herself with drug use and no desire to live.

Backstory:  My husband did not raise her after the age of 3 and her mother did not allow him to be involved in her life for many years. He didn't fight her mother because he lived hours away and was trying to establish a career to continue paying child support. He regrets it at this point, but 20+ years later he is doing what he can to be a good father to the adult she is today. I didn't even meet SD until she was in her mid-twenties and had already been living on her own as an adult in another state since she was 18.  My husband & I were on our way to being empty nesters until she showed up on our doorstep with this episode.

Since SD has been with us after this original episode, we arranged for the psychiatric evaluation leading us to a BPD diagnosis. In the past, we started her with a psychiatrist that has her on a medication regime.  We placed her in an out-of-state inpatient DBT program that she dropped out of early. Then we put her in a local DBT outpatient program where after a year the psychologist recommended we change her to a trauma-focused DBT outpatient program.  She is just under two-months into this new program. We also enrolled her in a trade program so she can earn training and certification so she can eventually get gainful employment.

Episodes since she has been with us have ranged from a police pick up and being checked into a mental hospital for evaluation to mostly her raging and spiraling where she tends to leave our home and live in her car for days to weeks at a time.  She is currently in one of these episodes and is not talking to us so we are in the dark except that she is not attending the trade school.  She doesn't currently work as she has not been able to hold down a job. We are paying her car payment, phone bill, etc.

Her mother has had some involvement but wants her to come stay with her in another city and SD says her step-father is very demeaning toward her so she leaves their home within days returning to us. 

This week her mother reached out to my husband to tell him that this latest episode is because my husband doesn't take up for his DD.  Her mother says he needs to prioritize his DD over me because children should always come first. This has come as a shock because I have been extremely supportive with her and a situation that was not a part of our plans together.
The only thing we can think has triggered this is that I sent a text to my husband asking him to 'Please don't let others weigh in on decisions that are for you & I' which was pertaining to remodeling that we are in the midst of on our house. Supposedly she saw the text message and my husband believes she thinks this was directed at her.

Even though there is an obvious situation to deal with between my husband and I about priorities, what has really been on my mind is that maybe our help and support will never be good enough or work. SD mother's feedback has really opened my eyes.
I am the only one taking the Family Connections course and reading books about BPD, because my husband doesn't read books and travels so frequently that he keeps missing the course. SD mother doesn't believe that her daughter really has this diagnosis. 

SD was raised by her mother.  Wouldn't it be much more helpful for SD healing, if her mother is the one taking some responsibility for her financial well-being as well as providing her a safe place to live?  Should we be insisting her mother be the one seeking help for DD and herself? 
I feel like maybe I have allowed myself to be caught in a never-ending spiral from which I should extricate myself. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Stepmothering
Thanks for your post - there are many step parents here who have the same questions that are on your mind. You have become involved later on in your sd's life - others have become involved when the children are younger, and they have walked a tightrope for conmany years.

I wonder if you have looked at the post by WorkingOnItToo about a study looking at childhood trauma dn bpd? The conclusions of that study pointed to genetic components rather than trauma. I thought of this post immediately when you mentioned sd's mother was asking her father to make her the priority rather than you.

It is the kind of thing someone with bpd might do ie try to drive a wedge between people, so I am hoping sd's mum is not going to go down that path. It is something to be aware of I think.

If you are the only one doing the course, then I do wonder if you are taking on the full responsibility of sd. I would be inclined to see myself in a 'one step removed' position ie of supporting sd's father to support her.

This would mean lots of discussion between you and dh about roles and responsibilities clarifying:
 - what support does your husband want to put in place for his daughter
- how possible is this level of support from your perspective
- what role you would play eg if police become involved would you contact dh to deal with it etc
- what the limits of your support would be

It would be great if you and dh could study up on bpd together so that you are on the same page - but I think it is good to remember that you are supporting HIM as he supports his daughter in the ways you have agreed upon.

I suppose I am saying that I would step back from being the one taking responsibility. I would also be alert to the possibility of sd's mother trying to drive a wedge here and there in your relationship with your dh.

BPD is a very complex illness and can take its toll on those who support a loved one. You have been plunged into the middle of this complexity and I hope you can step back and have the time and space to work with dh to plan a way forward together.

[StepMothering]

Thank you for replying.
I have insisted that we go to therapy together so I am looking for the right therapist.

I realized that SD practitioners are to help her and not to help us. So we need to find our own help. But me going to therapy alone (as I have been) can't help US, only ME.

[Sancho]

Hi Stepmothering
Good on you! You can't carry this load by yourself.

Have to say that I really admire you for responding the way you have to this situation. You have come to a different point in the road which you need to do in order to move forward - but the way you have responded so far shows such a caring person.