5 months out - letting go of lots of baggage

[capecodling]

I am 5 months out from the final discard and breakup and painting black.   Some things have gone really well, other parts of my healing continue to be slower than I would like:

Ruminations (60% recovered) - They are a lot less intense and painful, but I continue to ruminate on how sensual she was - a lot of BPDs are - and wonder if I will ever find another woman sensual the way she was.   In reality, her sensuality was in somewhat brief moments, the rest of the time she was angry or triggered and not very sensual at all, but I lived for those brief moments when she was.  The good part is this is the only thread still connecting me to her.  I don’t really miss other parts about her anymore.  When she and I first broke up I missed everything about her, like cooking meals together and doing activities and her sensuality, now the only thing I miss is how deeply sensual she was, so this is progress.

Sleep (100% recovered) - I am sleeping well again, after a year and a half I was with her of not being able to sleep much at all.  I was getting 4-5 hours of bad sleep per night with her, now I al back to a solid 7+ hours nightly.   Thank god.

Depression (100% recovered) - I had issues with depression before I met her but they were horribly bad during the time with her.  My depression now feels like a thing of the past.

Anxiety (100% recovered) - Crippling anxiety when I was with her.  I am not an anxious person, but when I was with her I don’t know exactly what it was but something was pushing my buttons.  Like my subconscious knew I was under attack and was shouting “danger! danger! danger!” It is now completely gone.

Focus / Ability to concentrate (100% recovered) - My work really suffered the year and a half with her,  I couldn’t motivate myself to do work, even when things were going well.  Thankfully this has come back and work is on track once again

Connections with other women (80% recovered) - I can connect well with other women, there are several I have been dating who seem like they would make wonderful partners.  I think I would mark this as fully 100% recovered if I found a woman who seems as sensual and enjoys being in her own body as much as my ex BPD did.  She was a real siren.  I’ve found several women who were close to the same level as my ex, but I need one at her same level or who surpasses her to show my subconscious that her sensuality isn’t irreplaceable.  I think in time this will come.  Its not because I need to possess whoever that next woman is, just to show my trauma bonded mind that this isn’t the unique BPD siren the trauma bond is making her out to be right now still.

[Pook075]

It sounds like you're well on the path to recovery, minus one big thing- comparisons.  You just can't do that since you're not being truly honest with yourself- everything you experienced is who your ex is, not just the feel-good stuff.  So if you're looking for that sensational love affair to start things off, the odds are pretty strong that you've found another BPD relationship.

I get it, I really do, but in time those ruminations are going to switch on you as the bad gets weighed equally with the good.  Maybe my relationship was different since we've been married 25 years, but I look back and see loneliness for the better part of two decades. The good times were good, sure, but the bad times were really, really bad.  And the bad far outweighed the good since my ex was always running from something.

My depression comes and goes- I still struggle with breaking up the family and all the other people I cared about for over half my life.  Maybe that's because the holidays are coming up and most of my side of the family aren't here anymore.  Maybe its because I'm in a long-distance relationship and I feel lonely.  I don't know.  But I do know that it's normal and going through this is a much longer process than we want to admit.

It's great that you're doing well though and making big strides!  We will continue to root for you!

[capecodling]

It sounds like you're well on the path to recovery, minus one big thing- comparisons.  You just can't do that since you're not being truly honest with yourself- everything you experienced is who your ex is, not just the feel-good stuff.  So if you're looking for that sensational love affair to start things off, the odds are pretty strong that you've found another BPD relationship.

I get it, I really do, but in time those ruminations are going to switch on you as the bad gets weighed equally with the good.  Maybe my relationship was different since we've been married 25 years, but I look back and see loneliness for the better part of two decades. The good times were good, sure, but the bad times were really, really bad.  And the bad far outweighed the good since my ex was always running from something.

My depression comes and goes- I still struggle with breaking up the family and all the other people I cared about for over half my life.  Maybe that's because the holidays are coming up and most of my side of the family aren't here anymore.  Maybe its because I'm in a long-distance relationship and I feel lonely.  I don't know.  But I do know that it's normal and going through this is a much longer process than we want to admit.

It's great that you're doing well though and making big strides!  We will continue to root for you!

Thanks for the vote of confidence, man.   You are absolutely right, the loneliness and intense anxiety and depression I felt when I was with her were as much a part of our relationship as any of the good times.  Its interesting how our trauma-bonded brains like to take the few best moments and stretch them out across the entire relationship by looping on those few good memories over and over and over.  Then we end up convincing ourselves the entire relationship was like that.   Or could have been like that if only we had done XYZ differently.

I remember the moment I realized we were doomed.  It was actually early on in our relationship.  She had just gotten an early break from work to come over and hook up, which we did and it was quite enjoyable.  Then I felt her disassociate and it was like the whole energy between us suddenly shifted.  I didn’t know what a disassociation was then but I definitely know now, but something in me recognized we weren’t going to make it and this intense sadness came over me out of nowhere.

I think that many of us on here think that the misery we are feeling now is caused by having all of the experiences that the BPD put us through, and to some extent that may be true in some extreme cases.  But I think for most of us, they just embodied something that brought our trauma to the surface, and if I am being completely honest that unintegrated pain / trauma was already there long before I met my ex.

It would make sense, if you are still trauma-bonded to your ex like I am, that the way to heal the trauma-bond is to heal the underlying trauma.  Not the trauma from your ex, but the childhood trauma that made such a toxic situation possible in the first place.

[Pook075]

It would make sense, if you are still trauma-bonded to your ex like I am, that the way to heal the trauma-bond is to heal the underlying trauma.  Not the trauma from your ex, but the childhood trauma that made such a toxic situation possible in the first place.

That's pretty deep and I agree, we all carry stuff that we have no business carrying.  And like you, I saw signs before we were married all those years ago that should have been clear red flags.  But I chose to ignore them. 

I remember that I thought about breaking up shortly before we were engaged...I wish I could remember why, the truth is that I have no idea.  But something felt off and for about a week, I couldn't shake it.  I'm glad we married though because I love my kids with all my heart and I wouldn't trade those memories for the world.  A terrible ending doesn't cancel out 24 years of fond memories (with a bunch of other stuff mixed in). 

I'm just glad that I can see the good and the bad now for what they were.

[capecodling]

That's pretty deep and I agree, we all carry stuff that we have no business carrying.  And like you, I saw signs before we were married all those years ago that should have been clear red flags.  But I chose to ignore them. 

I remember that I thought about breaking up shortly before we were engaged...I wish I could remember why, the truth is that I have no idea.  But something felt off and for about a week, I couldn't shake it.  I'm glad we married though because I love my kids with all my heart and I wouldn't trade those memories for the world.  A terrible ending doesn't cancel out 24 years of fond memories (with a bunch of other stuff mixed in). 

I'm just glad that I can see the good and the bad now for what they were.

I agree with you that a terrible ending, or even a terrible entire relationship shouldn’t cancel out where you are today.  Even a relationship like mine, which resulted in no kids, or anything else of tangible value, I still wouldn’t want to erase that experience because of all of the lessons and growth that resulted.  And in my case it was a year and a half and almost all of it was bad.  But there is no way I would have woken up from my stupor of being in toxic relationships without it.

There is a book called “Passages” about this process and how it makes us who we are, provided we allow ourselves to learn from our mistakes and then break out of the toxic patterns so we can heal.  I’ve followed a lot of your posts and can tell — with respect to your BPD relationship— that you are one of the few on here who largely has healed. 

I hear you that there are other struggles that continue, for example with loneliness in your current long distance relationship.  I would challenge you that sounds like existential loneliness that likely existed before your BPD relationship.

I can see it now too, from being close to 100% recovered from my BPD relationship that a lot of the things I struggled with during earlier stages of the breakup, that I attributed specifically to her, actually have nothing to do with her.  That toxic, horrible, traumatizing illness we call BPD, embodied in my partner, just brought a lot of that to the surface.  It gave me a convenient target for a lot of my emotional pain that was already inside of me long before I met her.  And for sure she did some really lousy things that no person should do to another.   But I can see now how much of this really was about me and my own pain.  I also think that this was actually an important and necessary step in my own evolution and growth.

[capecodling]

I agree with you that a terrible ending, or even a terrible entire relationship shouldn’t cancel out where you are today.  Even a relationship like mine, which resulted in no kids, or anything else of tangible value, I still wouldn’t want to erase that experience because of all of the lessons and growth that resulted.  And in my case it was a year and a half and almost all of it was bad.  But there is no way I would have woken up from my stupor of being in toxic relationships without it.

There is a book called “Passages” about this process and how it makes us who we are, provided we allow ourselves to learn from our mistakes and then break out of the toxic patterns so we can heal.  I’ve followed a lot of your posts and can tell — with respect to your BPD relationship— that you are one of the few on here who largely has healed. 

I hear you that there are other struggles that continue, for example with loneliness in your current long distance relationship.  I would challenge you that sounds like existential loneliness that likely existed before your BPD relationship.

I can see it now too, from being close to 100% recovered from my BPD relationship that a lot of the things I struggled with during earlier stages of the breakup, that I attributed specifically to her, actually have nothing to do with her.  That toxic, horrible, traumatizing illness we call BPD, embodied in my partner, just brought a lot of that to the surface.  It gave me a convenient target for a lot of my emotional pain that was already inside of me long before I met her.  And for sure she did some really lousy things that no person should do to another.   But I can see now how much of this really was about me and my own pain.  I also think that this was actually an important and necessary step in my own evolution and growth, as much as I disliked the entire process of being in a relationship with a BPD I can’t believe i’m saying this but i’m actually grateful for what it has given me.

[Pook075]

I agree with you that a terrible ending, or even a terrible entire relationship shouldn’t cancel out where you are today.  Even a relationship like mine, which resulted in no kids, or anything else of tangible value, I still wouldn’t want to erase that experience because of all of the lessons and growth that resulted.  And in my case it was a year and a half and almost all of it was bad.  But there is no way I would have woken up from my stupor of being in toxic relationships without it.

There is a book called “Passages” about this process and how it makes us who we are, provided we allow ourselves to learn from our mistakes and then break out of the toxic patterns so we can heal.  I’ve followed a lot of your posts and can tell — with respect to your BPD relationship— that you are one of the few on here who largely has healed. 

Three things got me to where I am today:

1) This site and actually talking out my feelings and emotions.  Like Shrek, there were layers that I didn't know existed and each of them had to be peeled back to figure out what I was even feeling, what it meant for my life, and how to pick up the pieces and move on.  Almost every month there was a new "aha" moment, like, Hey, wait a second, I never saw my relationship from this viewpoint before." 

In the end, I realized my wife was mentally ill and she hid it very well.  It's impossible to help someone that refuses to help themselves, but that doesn't mean we can't still love them and just be there when they need a shoulder to lean on.  Her emotional damage runs very deep and she has no idea what to do with it, which deserves sympathy, not anger or hate.

2)  My faith in God played a pivotal role in healing, and it's what guides me today.  Fourteen months ago, my life was about work and family, where I spent the majority of my life waiting for my wife to return home since she was always off to help someone, to save them.  I came last in that relationship and it had me so down and depressed, I wasn't praying like I should or asking God to guide me.

Today, I am active in church and volunteering in an organization as a Christian mentor to inmates getting out of jail. I am there in a way for friends and family in a way that I've never been able to before, leading with compassion and understanding.  I get out in nature almost daily just to experience life and take photographs, and the world all around me feels alive and beautiful.  I am a different person because my life has completely changed through faith and a new-found passion for living.

3)  An understanding that my wife never meant to hurt me, she was simply doing the best she could under an impossible set of circumstances.  She made countless bad decisions and truly broke my heart, but she did so because there was so much internal pain that she had absolutely no idea where to turn.  And while I still very much love her, she is incapable of loving me in the same way or being there for me as a wife.  I can accept that because I now understand how we got to where we are today.

If I could go back and change the past, I could love my wife in a different way and show her so much more support and understanding.  But was never up to me to "fix" my wife because that's not in my power, she has to want to change and escape this mental prison that she's been trapped inside her entire life.  It's heartbreaking but it's also 100% true- at the end of the day, this wasn't about me.  This was about her and self-preservation through disordered thinking.

I hear you that there are other struggles that continue, for example with loneliness in your current long distance relationship.  I would challenge you that sounds like existential loneliness that likely existed before your BPD relationship.

Maybe 8 months after the separation, I met my fiancée on an international Christian dating site.  While I had met others with mixed results, our conversations quickly became incredibly deep and meaningful. Within a week or two, she was easily my best friend in life. We shared everything, openly and honestly, and I received compassion in a way that I had never experienced before.  Yet we also learned from each other and grew, it definitely wasn't love bombing or anything that I was accustomed to.

Even in occasional arguments, we'd find a path to mutual understanding and apologize before going to bed, with genuine forgiveness on both sides. Over time, both of our hearts changed as we leaned into one another in the way we're actually supposed to love.  And I remember praying and asking for guidance; my divorce wasn't finalized yet and I was so incredibly head over heels in love with this woman.

This couldn't be my path, could it? Yet we kept growing closer and working through life together.

So a few months ago, I flew halfway around the world to meet in person, scared out of my mind that I was making a mistake.  But it was amazing and so natural, we were just there for each other and had such an incredible time together.  There was no drama, no heartache...we experienced life, all the ups and downs, and each of us took it in stride leading with love, compassion and understanding.

In short, she's the Christian wife that I've always dreamed about and we both put God 1st in everything.  I want her here for the obvious reasons- to get married, to build a life together, but I also want to take care of her just as much as she wants to take care of me.  It's kind of funny, we'd argue every morning when we met up at breakfast over who was supposed to make the coffee, she felt so out of place with me serving her that it's definitely going to be a fun thing to figure out how to meld our cultures together.  We're both stubborn as mules, LOL, but we laugh at ourselves over it as well.

I shared that story not to talk about my relationship, but to show what's waiting for each of us once we truly heal and put those past burdens aside.  There is always hope and once we accept that we can't change the past, we can start living in the present and really begin to thrive. 

To bring it full circle though, my happiness and stability also allows me to love my ex wife in a way that was impossible to do before, simply because I'm now outside that pain and can see it for what it really is.  It's also allowed me to build an amazing relationship with my BPD daughter as well and forgive her (daily!) for all the dumb mistakes that she seems destined to make.  By being a better version of me, I'm able to love in a completely different way...which should be the ultimate goal for all of us regardless whether we reconcile or move on.

[capecodling]

To bring it full circle though, my happiness and stability also allows me to love my ex wife in a way that was impossible to do before, simply because I'm now outside that pain and can see it for what it really is.

I'm responding to you just as 6 months post breakup are coming up for me   There are a lot of things that have come up for me in the past month that I wouldn't have understood at the beginning of my healing journey 6 months ago when I just wanted the pain to stop!  We were all there at one point, just broken up, in the most unimaginable pain, and wanting to not be in pain anymore.

To respond to the other points you made also, this site did help me in a similar way to you in those early stages where I needed to understand my ex, and all her seemingly irrational actions and behaviors.   Like you, at a certain point, I realized she hid things very well and thus did not want to get better yet.  This point of realization was when, like you, I stopped focusing on her and made it more about understanding my own wounding that had made this situation possible in the first place.

To be 100% honest, now that I'm at the 6 month mark,  I realized I still was spending a lot of time thinking about her behavior and being angry at her --- but that seems like another way of just maintaining my limerent, trauma-bonded connection to her.   It certainly is better than being in contact or checking social media, but only marginally better, as it is still slowing down the healing process to keep renewing that trauma bond.

Also what you said about spirituality has helped me a lot.   I'm not involved with any organized religions personally, but daily mediation and prayer have been a major component of this past month of healing.   I think recognizing that there are deeper parts of us, from the subconscious all the way down, that are at play and cause us to manifest these types of toxic relationships.   And that there is healing to be done at deeper layers at well -- some of the most profound shifts I've had healing from my toxic BPD relationship have come from these realizations.

I feel like I've basically healed from my breakup finally.  There is still some pain and some ruminations, but I realized it only took a minute to actually heal --- its like you have this shift in how you think about your breakup and realize that shift could have taken place months ago just as easily.   I really want to write a post on this, but I'm not sure the me from 6 months ago would have understood.

For me it came down to understanding limerence, and seeing first hand how I could form limerent connections just as easily to other women.  That my limerence actually had nothing really to do with my ex, other than she was someone (with BPD) who was more easily able to activate my limerence due to her own issues.   But the limerence 100% belongs to me, it wasn't her fault, she just showed up to reveal that wounding that was already there.

[Pook075]

About to hop in a work meeting, but just wanted to say that I'm so happy you're still growing and healing.  The revelations will continue to come in strange ways- the more you learn about yourself, the better you'll understand the failed relationship as well.  Unfortunately, the anger will continue to rear it's ugly head every so often when you least expect it, but that's okay.  It's all part of healing.

I'll give you a deeper reply after work today or over the weekend, and I'm very glad spirituality is helping you as well!

[tina7868]

I feel like I've basically healed from my breakup finally.  There is still some pain and some ruminations, but I realized it only took a minute to actually heal --- its like you have this shift in how you think about your breakup and realize that shift could have taken place months ago just as easily.   I really want to write a post on this, but I'm not sure the me from 6 months ago would have understood.

Thank you for capecodling for sharing your insights and journey. I feel like there are a lot of parallels between your experiences and mine. It was only when I read this paragraph from your post that I realized hey...I am basically healed from my breakup too. In my case, what lingers isn`t anger but hope, but I realize that those belong to me too, it comes from a way I see people and I don`t even want to change that.

So thank you again!

You bring up an interesting point in whether the you from 6 months ago would have understood the shift it took to actually heal. It seems to me like I am still shifting, and gaining insight even now.

[capecodling]

Thank you for capecodling for sharing your insights and journey. I feel like there are a lot of parallels between your experiences and mine. It was only when I read this paragraph from your post that I realized hey...I am basically healed from my breakup too. In my case, what lingers isn`t anger but hope, but I realize that those belong to me too, it comes from a way I see people and I don`t even want to change that.

So thank you again!

You bring up an interesting point in whether the you from 6 months ago would have understood the shift it took to actually heal. It seems to me like I am still shifting, and gaining insight even now.

I'm glad you have healed so much!  I followed your posts and saw you came from a place of pretty extreme pain.   

You know, my work colleague told me something I never forgot on the day of my final breakup with my BPDex.  My colleague had been through the same thing and there came this point months out from her breakup where she had this sudden realization: "I'm going to be ok." 

That sudden realization is like a line you cross and you can definitely feel it.  It doesn't mean the ruminations are gone completely, and doesn't mean there aren't still some unintegrated tough emotions.   

I actually never understood what my colleague meant until recently.  Its like you reach a critical point in your post-breakup journey where so much healing has taken place, that a full recovery is inevitable.  Its just a question of time.  And continuing to do what you've been doing and allowing your process and time to keep chipping away at that trauma bond.

Anyhow, it sounds like you have reached a similar point in your recovery and I congratulate you on that.