my mom has BPD

[tigers4]

I hope that maybe writing about this will help me feel not so alone. To tell you a little about myself, I am 21 years old with a 17-year-old sister, and my parents are still together but should be divorced at this point. I have been in therapy for almost 2 years trying to combat my relationship with my mom and figured out over the summer that she has BPD (even though she has no clue and neither does anyone in my family). It's a hard pill to swallow that the only way she could get better is if she's willing to change, but she doesn't know she needs to change. I have become very discouraged over the past few months because nothing seems to get better. It's so hard because I know my mom loves me so much, but she always hurts me without realizing how much she lies and manipulates me. I want to cut our relationship off, but I can't because, in the end, it would hurt my sister, who is still at home while I am at college. We started talking again after a month of not due to a huge fight. It sucks, though, because I used to not worry about taking her phone calls, and now I am stressed because she calls me multiple times a day. Part of this is due to the unfortunate time that my dad, as of a few days ago, might have prostate cancer. Everything in my life right now just feels like it is crumbling before my eyes, and all the boundaries I have worked on setting to give myself space are failing because of my circumstances. I am normally on top of everything, but now that isn't the case, and I feel like I am failing at everything. My question is, how do you not let it affect you when you have felt hurt by the people who are supposed to love you the most?

[Methuen]

how do you not let it affect you when you have felt hurt by the people who are supposed to love you the most?

Radical acceptance, self-compassion, taking care of yourself, boundaries, focusing on what you have control of, and finding ways of letting go of what you don’t. 

So glad to hear you have a T.  That is awesome.  Also glad you found this site.

First, let your school work keep you grounded, and stay focused on that for now.  What year of college are you in? Prostrate cancer is generally one of the more treatable ones.  Where is your dad on this journey?  Is it still early?  What is the treatment plan and prognosis?

Your mom is probably going to catastrophize this.  Can you get your info directly from your dad, or via telephone with his doctors?  I would suggest info from your mom is not reliable.  She may not have awareness that she is distorting or catastrophizing, and will present it as fact to you. I guess what I am suggesting is to get your facts from the source and not from your mom. Then you have reliable information on what you and your family are dealing with.

Secondly, how is your dad doing?  Is he focused on his own health, or on your mom’s coping or lack of it?

Thirdly, would your sister be interested in T? How old is she?  It is reasonable to be concerned about the younger sibling at home.  Does she have friends?  Support?  Interests? (Sports, music, hobbies?)

While you can support your parents, they are the adults and should be able to take care of this themselves.  Your job is to focus on your studies and your goals and yourself.  You are not responsible for anyone else’s feelings. 

It my be helpful to read up on some topics on the information part of this site…such as SET, don’t JADE, boundaries…and explore self-care.

[HappyChappy]

I hope that maybe writing about this will help me feel not so alone. To tell you a little about myself, I am 21 years old with a 17-year-old sister, and my parents are still together but should be divorced at this point …

It’s “normal” to feel that way, but be assured you’re not alone. Folk on here can empathise, you’re part of a BPDfamily. Writing about it is supposed to help, better out than in.

We never understood why my Dad put up with is, but since he’s died we realised he tempered her behaviour. He told us he didn’t divorce because men would never get custody of the kids back then.

I have been in therapy for almost 2 years trying to combat my relationship with my mom and figured out over the summer that she has BPD …. It's a hard pill to swallow that the only way she could get better is if she's willing to change…

Agreed, it is hard pill, but therapy helped me. Knowledge is power and BPD spread “false news” so understanding it is part of your recovery. Your Mom’s recovery is up to her, she’s an adult.

My therapist told me that given she’s got what she wanted (i.e. ruled the nest) all her life – why would she change ? Also the guilt would be too much for her to handle at her age. I’m the only relative still in contact with her, and she still keeps asking me why her other “terrible children” don’t. We’ve all told her (not that she has BPD, but the specific behaviour that turns people away) and her response was to just amplify the bad behaviour. So I just change the topic or count her down on the phone to stop her. Sometimes coping mechanisms is all they allow us.

I have become very discouraged over the past few months because nothing seems to get better. It's so hard because I know my mom loves me so much…

Time is a great healer, but it took me (and many on here) longer than we would want to come to terms and re-adjust our behaviour (to better deal with it). But it’s encouraging that you’ve realised what’s behind her behaviour and you say you know your mum loves you. Sounds like your getting there. My Therapist told me to measure my recovery over 6 month periods and celebrate even the smallest progression. You should be proud you made it to this forum – you’re ahead of many. Be good to yourself.