Finding space for my own grief while navigating services, estate with uBPD siste

[Mommydoc]

My mother passed away a few days ago. I haven’t posted in a while as my focus has been on my mom and her final journey.

 I have shared my story many times, but for those not familiar, I have been my 93 yr  old mothers caregiver for last 15 years, as well as Health Care POA. My mother has end stage Parkinsons. She almost died from COVID last Dec, had a partial recovery,  but was never the same and has been declining slowly over the last 10 months. I retired early from a physician executive role 4 months ago to care for her. I share financial POA and Co Trustee responsibilities with my uBPD sister, who lives across the country and has done essentially nothing to support my parents. I have managed everything and every time I ask for help or her input she challenges, disagrees and tells me what a horrible sister I am. It is never about my mom.My sister has intense jealousy that my parents moved from our hometown to where I live to get my support 13 years ago. She is jealous of my marriage, my kids, my professional accomplishments and relationships with both my parents. I wasn’t a golden child but my parents definitely relied on me, and didn’t really know how to deal with my sister.

I have learned so much from this site and am so grateful for the journey of learning about BPD, setting greater boundaries and being a better advocate for my mother.  When my father passed away 7 years ago I was completely unprepared for her rage, attacks and blame. I didn’t know what BPD was. Her narrative of what happen was a complete distortion of reality, painting  herself as a virtuous victim and me as a vicious persecutor. This forum, a great therapist and a lot of reading has given me so many tools and a completely different perspective.

Despite the long and tortured journey, my mom was my best teacher. She demonstrated such grace, faith, patience, joy, gratitude and acceptance, never ever complaining about the many infirmities of her condition. My sister has treated me very poorly and as my mother condition worsened so did my sister’s behavior. She refused to sign basic trust documents, showed up unannounced and disrupted my mothers care and making unreasonable demands, she threatened to move my mom out of her assisted living/ memory unit, as well as legal action against me. She attacked me, my husband, my mothers caregivers, the facility, my mothers doctors, hospice team and the facility director. Anytime some one didn’t do what she wanted when she wanted they were labeled “Team Mommydoc”. It has been exhausting. 8 months ago, I transitioned from LC to NC, and asked hospice and the facility to keep her updated and do FaceTime with her so she and my mom could say connected. In recent months as the end approached I decided to go to low contact, mostly email updates and in the last week, I have re-established limited phone and text contact. My therapist and I anticipated the need for this, given that there is so much to work through. It’s exhausting.

After talking through it, with many I decided to let her take the lead on services. Without going into detail, it’s a 3 ring service. She has made it super complicated and made it all about her/ her family and decided to have a memorial for “both” my parents in multiple locations (all requiring significant travel for my family and with no consideration of my adult children’s very demanding career/work schedules ). Though she is following many of my moms wishes there are also some very weird things she claims as my parents  wishes that just don’t feel right but aren’t worth the conflict.

My mom loved the assisted living she has lived in for the last 7 years, it was her home. My sister hated it because it was close to me. They want to have a celebration of life for my mom. My husband, son and the social worker all three have independently told me to work with the facility to plan a memorial for my mom and not tell my sister, so my immediate family and all of her friends here and her caregivers can grieve without my sisters drama. My husband and I will also attend the mass and service she now has planned in her hometown “because that is easiest” for her, even though it has no relevance to my mom. It makes sense, but it feels deceptive/ dishonest, incongruent with my values. On the other hand, one of my commitments was to advocate for my own needs, to pay attention to my emotions and not let her emotional intensity crowd out the space I need to  grieve ( like I allowed her to do with my father). My kids have both said that my mothers death paves the way for me to finally divorce my sister, once we get through the estate.

My sister is very aware that our relationship may be over. She constantly “offers an olive branch” . I think she is sincere in her desire to reconcile but completely unable, as the olive branch offer is consistently and immediately followed by accusations, blame and nastiness.

Since retiring, my life has been devoted to my mom. I have canceled travel, and deferred many personal and professional goals. Out of empathy, because of our shared legal roles and to protect my mom, I have endured a very unhealthy and unbalanced relationship.As my mom’s end approached I was fearful of the aftermath, as I knew things would amplify. They have. And I still welcome it. As my mom is beginning her new chapter, I am excited about my freedom and forging my next chapter, one that focuses on  my healthy relationships and things that make me happy.

[kells76]

 

[Notwendy]

Hugs to you, Mommydoc at this difficult time.

I think you and the assisted living center staff have every right to have a ceremony without your sister. She has caused drama to them too. I agree that this is an opportunity to distance yourself from her.

You have done your best for your mother. Wishing you comfort and peace.

[GaGrl]

I am holding you in my heart, Mommydoc. 

[Methuen]

Mommydoc, my sincerest condolences for your loss.

You always did your best for your mom, and she felt that from you.

Your private ceremony will be lovely and so meaningful.

Take care

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you. So much respect for you and the decisions you have made and kept with all the challenges you have faced. You are honoring your mother's memory by having a service for her without your sister allowing the people who cared for her the most in her later years the chance to honor and grieve for her.

[Mommydoc]

Thank you so much for your support and kind words. This site has been a safe space and source of incredible guidance, wisdom and support. Thank you all.

Grief is a bit like a rollercoaster, with highs and lows. I am feeling mostly relief for my mom’s transition, grateful that I was able to be witness to her strength and grace and be so involved in her final journey home. I am also excited as my mother lived a life of service to others and was excited to go to heaven. The ups and downs; I have also felt moments of immense sadness and exhaustion. I sense my sister is experiencing ups and downs also but perhaps with a greater intensity and without healthy coping skills to get her through it.

Sharing executor/trustee  responsibilities with my sister is going to be very challenging. The boundaries I had in place for myself and  to maintain her connections to my mom via hospice and the facility staff  are essentially gone. It is no longer possible to be NC as we have so many things to work through. I am beginning to feel the weight of the situation. The email only communication was working as a boundary for me. Now there are texts going back and forth all day. It’s a lot to navigate. She is all over the place and it is hard to pace myself and her. She has been mostly civil, but I am feeling that familiar feeling of walking on eggshells, fully aware that one of her rages is lurking below the surface and will take me down at this really vulnerable time.

[zachira]

Mommydoc,
After you are done with the services for your mother, you might consider having your lawyer be the only person to communicate with your sister. For now, do consider really limiting the contact for your own well being. Would it make sense to dedicate a specific time to reading her messages and a specific time to respond, which could be as infrequent as once a week, or every few days and/or having someone else read and respond to her messages? You are grieving the loss of a mother you dearly loved, and it is important to be able to fully feel your sadness and the appreciation of having your mother in your life, without being side tracked by all the drama from your sister. We are here for you.

[GaGrl]

I so admire your empathy and compassion at what your sister must be experiencing now.

Please give yourself whatever time you need before you begin to deal with the trust and estate issues.

My parents set up everything to make it as easy as possible for me, the only surviving child. I appreciate that -- but it did not alleviate the sense of loss and longing that I felt as my sister had died of breast cancer back in 1988, at age 32. I felt a ridiculous sense of responsibility to "do it right."

Well, I did it all "right." Both of my parents died in home hospice, as they wished. It is almost three years after my mother's death, and I am only now coming out of it.

Grief is complicated.

Don't rush anything.

[livednlearned]

Oh Mommydoc, what a complex bunch of emotions you must be feeling. Being a physician, I imagine you are also able to access a clinical mindset, maybe a bit of a blessing and a curse as you grieve your mother's death.

I'm so very touched by the way you were able to put your mother's needs and wishes first throughout. This is why she chose to be closer to you, she knew you could do this for her. It's an act of love, both ways. 

What are the boundaries you think might help protect you going forward?

What kind of pace do you think is reasonable under the circumstances?

Wisemind can be hard to access when we're vulnerable. Do you have a self-care routine in place to help tip the scales in that direction?

[Mommydoc]

Thank you all for the support and advice. I am emotionally exhausted and very vulnerable. I cleaned out my moms room over the weekend because they needed us out to paint for a new resident who is moving in today. Of course my sister, didn’t respond to my email about what she wanted until today. She wants  everything except my mom’s diplomas which she said my daughter and I can have because we share her profession- like my daughter or I am going to hang my mom’s diploma up in our homes, LOL. There were a few things she said “ I want if you don’t,  let me know”, an unexpected level of flexibility for her.  I have a box for her and another box with things to have more discussion about.

My daughter is flying home for a few days this week, and we will have a caregiver celebration at my moms assisted living and a small potluck at our home while she is home. Even though I want it to be low key, it’s hard to find the energy to even prepare. Next week, my husband and I are planning some time away at our second home. It is a beautiful place, with the gifts of nature and a very beautiful place  in fall and for me a spiritual place. I am looking forward to it, as I have cancelled or cut short most of my trips there over the last year to be with my mom.

The Memorial will be the week of Thanksgiving at my sisters home. Every day my sister changes the date or venue of the memorial service and mass she is planning near her home ( across the country from us). Now our non refundable hotel is far from the newest location. Ugh, more driving. She is planning family game night and brunches and more. I say OK to everything, because it isn’t worth it to give input… but I find it so odd that she has turned this into a memorial for both my parents. My father died 7 years. She  planned his memorial service but constantly tells me it was “all about me” because it was here and some of my friends who knew my dad came. It was here because my parents lived here and what my mom wanted! It is becoming clear she is still deep in grief for my father so who knows how long it will take for her. We are on different timelines. I just need to get through the next few weeks for now. Fortunately my husband, son and I have planned to spend the entire week of Thanksgiving with our daughter. It will be great family time and hopefully a time of healing for us all.

I am struggling with my sisters plans around the burial… it’s aligned with my mom’s wishes but has been expanded beyond that and doesn’t feel right. She just rewrites her own narrative. I don’t have the energy to fight however. Once the memorial is done she will start planning the burial. It requires additional significant travel for us. My kids and husband don’t want to go, and it is hard to imagine going alone when I don’t agree with the plan. Right now, I am saying yes to the cemetery estimates as the costs are reasonable and it needs to happen but I have not committed to attending. I can only do one thing at a time.

Someone sent me “What’s left Behind”, a great book on grief. It  says, “you can say no” to others when it means saying yes to what you need,  even if it another family member. One of the ways I will get through this is to say yes to my sister where it doesn’t matter to me, but also be in a place where I can also say no so I am meeting my own needs and the needs of my husband and kids.  Time will tell but that might mean missing my moms burial.

LNL, to be honest, there is very little clinical perspective going on, I am 100% grieving daughter. Still first child, planner, trying to be the responsible, and work the checklist and making progress. It is helping me move through the profound grief. I agree, Wisemind is almost impossible to access right now.  As mentioned, NC is also not possible right now, but I am working hard on boundaries. Anticipating this time a few months before I retired, I got a second cell phone number for my personal cell. I have retained the first one, as a work #, ( the number my sister has) but I only check it a few times a day, when I am up for it and ready to deal with my sister. The first few days I kept the ringer on, and used it to call her and answered her calls. Now we are mostly texting and emailing. It is civil, but I know it won’t stay that way. I am prepared for the worst.  Her not having my primary cell is a good boundary for now.

Pace is a great question. I think slow is better, but there is a part of me, who  wants to forge through the difficult parts (working with her on the estate) so they are behind me. GaGrl, I know what you mean that the estate part is not the emotional part. I know grieving my mom is going to be a very long process. My father died 7 years ago, and I focused myself more on my mom’s needs and reacting to my sister, which probably made it much longer and harder. I was very close to my dad and am now in a good place. I have always been close to my mom too, but gotten really close since he passed. The good news is the estate part is very simple and straightforward, as I have been working to simplify and consolidate most of the assets. My sister has told the hospice team she doesn’t want to involve lawyers, but the first person she reached out to within hours of my moms death was the trust attorney who wrote the trust. I talked to the trust attorney a few days later and she let me know my sister had contacted her. She has previously set strong boundaries with my sister, and I gave her permission to do so again, if my sister tries to challenge the provisions of the trust or will. When she does, it will be the trust attorney who recommends ( like she did previously when my sister made legal threats against me) we get our own attorneys. I don’t really worry about it, because truth is, I think the legal stuff is very straightforward and I don’t really have any specific interests or attachments other than to stay true to how the trust and will were written. The trust will take time to work through, and doesn’t need to be addressed immediately, as long as taxes and bills get paid. I am thinking of suggesting we meet with the trust attorney, after Thanksgiving so we can get through the memorial, spend time with our immediate families and go from there. It will be easier to distance myself and work through the attorney(s) at that point. I just finished watching some of the conversations with my mom on video before she lost the ability to speak and they are so sweet and delightful, so loving and positive. Those videos and my many memories are priceless and worth so much more to me, than any painting, piece of real estate or jewelry.

Zachira, thank you for the very practical advice. It feels like you are channeling my mom for me! Right now, a couple of times a day is working, but as we get through the many decisions and the first few weeks, I hope we will get back to weekly or less. If she gets nasty, the task of screening them will go to my husband ( he’s done it before and is willing to do it again). I also plan to insist he participate in any family meetings without the attorney present. She will behave at the memorial, because other people will be there, including my son, who she adores. I am safe as long as I don’t allow myself to be alone with her, in person or in meetings. Interestingly she declined hospices offer for a family meeting to talk through next steps after my mom passed.

I have slowed down in most aspects of my life, but I am trying to connect with friends who care about me , spend time with my puppy and exercise, but all a little less. I started doing some boxing a few months ago and it is a great for times like now. The rest is blank time, to read, journal, pray, cry and meditate. Sorry this is so so long, I am processing a lot!

[Notwendy]

Hi Mommydoc-
I just wanted to reach out to you with a virtual hug. Your grief is proportional to your relationship with your mother. She clearly was a loving mother to you and the two of you have a special bond. Your sister can have material things but she can not ever take any of that from you.

Grief, as you know, takes its own course. I grieved the loss of my father. Admittedly, I was just an emotional mess for a while. You have had to be the one in charge, the caretaker, but it's OK if you are just an emotional mess for a while.

When it comes to the trust, let the lawyer deal with your sister. Seems it's clearly written.

Take care of yourself. You know your sister is going to act up- because, these behaviors are how she copes. If she felt your father's memorial was "all about you" - then she may want this to be "all about her". I agree with you not arguing with her over the plans, there's no point. Let her have her moment- you have years of wonderful memories of your relationship with your mother.

If there is something sentimental you want that belonged to your mother- stand up for that. This is not the time to be "generous" with things you really value and let her have them. I agree with limiting your contact with her and not being alone with her.

Take care of yourself--

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hi MommyDoc,

Just wanted to give you my sympathies.

Sending you support through those harder times.

 

[Mommydoc]

Great to hear from you Riv3rWOlf, appreciate the support. NW, your post is so helpful. I have decided that I will step back and let my sister have everything she wants from the personal effects.The trust will be divided up equitably in compliance with the legal documents supported by state law. I have things that my mom gave me over the years, tangible and non tangible. The videos of some of our conversations are my treasures that hold a place in my heart forever. I wish I had taken more, but the ones I have are priceless. I still listen to the last voicemail my dad left for me and I can’t let go of.

My daughter flew in last night, today we are having a small gathering at her AL with caregivers, my family, and a few special friends. It will be brief but meaningful. Afterwards a small potluck with my close friends at my home. I am going to focus on my amazing family and friends and bask in the memories of mom and the love that surrounds me. Next week my husband and I are headed to our special place, and I am going to disconnect and spend time in nature before heading to my sisters home where the Mass/memorial will be. We will spend less than 24 hours there, my son and husband will buffer me. I am waiting until after Thanksgiving to propose the meeting with the attorney. I hope it will be easy and I can just let the lawyer(s) guide the process. Looking forward to distancing myself from my sister to follow. So far, she seems to be trying, mostly just sending me photos from her phone. But I am prepared for what we know will eventually happen. It’s a matter of time, and I am grateful that I have been able to maintain some boundaries and focus on my own grief, which is immense. Thanks all!

[zachira]

I grieved for a long time not being able to have any of my mother's things. Over time I realized I have many treasures from my mother that she gave me while she was alive and I have let go of my sorrow of being deprived of having any of her things from her estate because my siblings took control of all her things and my brother was the executor. You are wise to realize that you already have many things from your mother that you treasure. Most of all, you have wonderful memories of a loving relationship with her which has allowed you to make loving relationships with your husband, children, and friends. You are also wise to have the estate divided equally between you and your sister, because she is going to contest everything you do, and just cause endless drama. It warms my heart that you have so many caring people who support you while you grieve the loss of your mother.