H problemsolved an upcoming child support issue

[kells76]

Just sharing how H is troubleshooting the CS transition when SD17 turns 18.

She turns 18 on the same day of the month that H usually pays CS. And, in our US state, CS must be paid for adult children up through age ~21 if the child is attending college & not failing out.

To solve the first issue, H plans to pay Mom the relevant fraction of SD17's CS (i.e., if he usually pays on day X, then Mom will receive X/30 of that amount), with the remainder going to SD17. After that month, Mom will only receive CS for SD15, with SD17's amount going to her.

H is working directly with SD17 to set up direct deposit to her bank account, and that seems to be going okay.

This is likely a better plan than trying to work with Mom to say "well SD17 is born in this month, so SD17 will receive the full amount for the month".

As far as I know, H has not talked with Mom about this. I don't really anticipate gratitude from her, and I think she'll probably complain to the kids, but at this point SD17 is pretty determined to move out of Mom's house so I don't think Mom will be able to guilt her into staying for financial reasons -- but we could be surprised 

(Despite every other ongoing conflict we've had, weirdly Mom has been okay with H paying CS by check directly to her. I think H sold it as "otherwise you get less because the CS agency takes a cut")

As much as I wish that we had a two-family setup where the parents could talk with and cooperate with each other, we don't, and so that means that the kids have had to grow up a bit more and work directly with H on a lot of things that a cooperative family would've handled between the parents.

Anyway, hope that problemsolving is helpful to others out there.

[Turkish]

After that month, Mom will only receive CS for SD15, with SD17's amount going to her.

"Her" meaning the fraction of CS obligation going directly to SD17now rather than her mother?

10 years ago in California, our stipulation was turned into the county and signed by a judge. So similarly, I'd guess, I write checks directly to mommy, no garnishment like one of my coworker buddies had since the mid 90s until their kid turned 18.

[Notwendy]

Is she planning to attend college? How will your H be sure that she is using the money appropriately?

I don't know your SD- some college freshmen are mature and serious about their studies and some need more time to mature.

If the law states that the college student must not be failing- what accountability is there to monitor?

At 18, college students are considered adults and the college won't provide information to you without their consent. Some schools have the students sign waivers for financial info, or grades- whatever they allow the parents to see.

I also think students do have a right to some privacy and likely there will be some growing up to do on their part- so expectations need to be appropriate. They may have their ups and downs with grades but you don't want to see them completely fail out- like stop going to class or not do any homework.

If I look back at my own experience, I think this arrangement would be a good idea- to not have my college funds controlled by my BPD mother. But I also would have felt a sense of responsibility- a return for the investment- to maintain at least passing grades.  So in general I think it's a good thing to bypass a BPD mother and send it to the newly adult child- but also I think you can expect some accountability for it.

[Rev]

Is she planning to attend college? How will your H be sure that she is using the money appropriately?

I don't know your SD- some college freshmen are mature and serious about their studies and some need more time to mature.

If the law states that the college student must not be failing- what accountability is there to monitor?

At 18, college students are considered adults and the college won't provide information to you without their consent. Some schools have the students sign waivers for financial info, or grades- whatever they allow the parents to see.

I also think students do have a right to some privacy and likely there will be some growing up to do on their part- so expectations need to be appropriate. They may have their ups and downs with grades but you don't want to see them completely fail out- like stop going to class or not do any homework.

If I look back at my own experience, I think this arrangement would be a good idea- to not have my college funds controlled by my BPD mother. But I also would have felt a sense of responsibility- a return for the investment- to maintain at least passing grades.  So in general I think it's a good thing to bypass a BPD mother and send it to the newly adult child- but also I think you can expect some accountability for it.

Having been through something similar - albeit in Canada where the laws insist on going the mediation route before the courts - I resonate with this advice.

My situation was different but led me to the same place. Bio-Daughter - bi=polar. Ex-W who was on a totally different plane on how to handle my D - passive aggressive towards me - enabling towards my daughter.  The only way forward to was to insist upon accountability.  Saved alot of heartache - and although the situation was hard and my relationship to my D has taken a major hit - she did graduate from University and is, the last I hear, working.

Hang in there.  There's no path like the straight path.

Eric (aka Rev)

[GaGrl]

Since D17 is under 18, is her mother on the bank account with her? Your DH may need to help her set up another account after she turns 18, so that her mom no longer has access to those funds.

[ForeverDad]

Since D17 is under 18, is her mother on the bank account with her? Your DH may need to help her set up another account after she turns 18, so that her mom no longer has access to those funds.

Also ponder what to do if D17 shares her separate account's password with her mother?  How to explain such a scenario enabling manipulation or pressure to D17?

Also, with D17 soon to become an adult, BioMom may shift to higher levels of manipulation and pressure to the younger sister.

By the time my son became an adult, I had added him to my auto insurance as a driver.  (He lives with me so I include him since both he and the car are here.)  Since the discord had reduced so much by the time he was out of school, we also helped him start his own credit history, though my memory fails me on the precise details.

[Notwendy]

It should be a joint account between your H and SD.

I had that arrangement with my kids. I could then transfer a monthly allowance directly into their account. I had transfer access to their accounts, but they didn't have access to ours.

For tuition, an online payment can be made directly to the college in the student's college account. Your SD has to set this up. Most college students don't mind allowing their parents financial access so the parents can pay the college for tuition

Students have a debit card they can use for books, and other expenses. Usually a debit card isn't the most secure but students don't generally have a lot of money in the student accounts.

Good idea to have overdraw alerts (conncted to a small savings account0 so that they don't get these fees. It takes a while for students to get used to keeping tabs on their spending- you don't want to pay fees for a $5 cupt of coffee they buy.

If your SD is on a college meal plan, you can purchase the meals and they are added to a card they swipe when entering the college cafeteria and also one can add money for on campus snack bars.

While you don't want to enable, it's also a learning experience for the student to have their own account so it's a partnership between the two of you. I see no reason why BPD mother needs to be on the account and would suggest she doesn't have access to the money. If she needs records you can send her a copy of the statements. She might still coerce SD for the password but if her name isn't on the account, she can't withdraw the money.