Anxiety About Phoning BPD Mom

[So Stressed]

I continue to have a relationship with my BPD mom even though I seem to be her scapegoat. She is very old and I do not want to be out of contact with her at this stage of her life.  However, every time I think it is time to call her to keep in touch, I go through extreme anxiety about how she is going to be. Sometimes, she is fine and as loving as she is able, and other times, she is just mean and angry and I take the brunt of everything she is angry about including stuff that has nothing to do with me.  I try not to take it personally, but that is hard since she often attacks my character and tells me that I am to blame for most things that make her angry. So, this morning, I am thinking I need to call her because it has been several days, and she will likely already be mad that I have not called often enough.  So, it is a bit of a vicious cycle.  If I put off the call, it escalates the anger I may experience when I do call. 

I used to have a sibling that I could talk to about this, but Mom has divided us and now sibling also uses me as the family scapegoat.

I usually have a plan. If she gets abusive, I just end the call by saying something like, "Maybe this isn't a good time. I'll call back another time." But, the abuse that happens before I get off the call stays with me for the rest of the day or a few days.

Thanks for listening. I don't really know what to do about this. I understand that my options are no contact, or call and deal with the abuse, or develop a thicker skin so the abuse doesn't bother me, and do what I do, which is end the call if she's abusive.  I do go to therapy, but I can't have a therapy appointment every time I need to call my mom.  So, if anyone has any suggestions about other options, I am open to hear.

[Methuen]

I usually have a plan. If she gets abusive, I just end the call by saying something like, "Maybe this isn't a good time. I'll call back another time." But, the abuse that happens before I get off the call stays with me for the rest of the day or a few days.

What to do?

If you know you are going to call her, could you make a plan to do something you enjoy that would completely distract you afterwards? What activity can you do that doesn’t leave space in your mind to ruminate?  It should be something you look forward to and enjoy.

Could this work for you?

[So Stressed]

That's a good suggestion, Methuen.  Thank you. I should plan that before I call. 

I tried to make a call this morning, but I just wasn't up for it, so I wrote in this forum and decided to wait until tomorrow.

[Methuen]

That’s the best thing you can do. Before I have any contact with my mom, I check in with myself. If I’m not in a good mental space, I know not to initiate or engage with mom.

We have to learn to check in with our own needs too.

[zachira]

The best advice my therapist ever gave me was to pay attention to how I was feeling inside when in the presence of a disordered person (instead of observing and taking on their feelings). My mother with BPD has passed away. Being the child of a BPD mom, we are often regarded as not being a separate person by our mother and become the go-to target for our mother to dump her overwhelming feelings on.  It seems that you are trying very hard to set boundaries with your mother and it is not working because like most mothers with BPD she does not honor her child's boundaries no matter what you do. What boundaries do you  think are a must with your mother for you to feel safer and less overwhelmed ?Many members on this site, have found that time is a number one boundary: including how often to interact, how long to interact, and to know when it is time to end the interaction.

[So Stressed]

Thanks Zachira! I like the idea of taking the focus off the disordered person and focusing on myself. I am so fearful of my Mom and her moods. She can be so cruel that I get really terrified before I have to see her or call her.  I can't unhear the awful things she says to me.

[Notwendy]

Thanks Zachira! I like the idea of taking the focus off the disordered person and focusing on myself. I am so fearful of my Mom and her moods. She can be so cruel that I get really terrified before I have to see her or call her.  I can't unhear the awful things she says to me.

I understand the fear. I feel anxious and guarded around my mother. We kids grew up being afraid of her. In some ways, we are still afraid of her.

I don't know how much personal counseling you have done - but in addition, 12 step CODA and ACA groups helped me to not be as emotionally reactive to the things my mother says. When a counselor first suggested this I thought it was odd because I assumed they were only for alcohol issues, which didn't apply to me now, but they are also helpful when dealing with a disordered person.

It would be hard to not react emotionally to things a parent says- they are an important person in a child's life. There's the saying- they know how to "push our buttons" due to this relationship. One thing that helped me was the idea that- if someone "pushes our buttons" - who is the one with that button? We are. So we can work on changing that.

One is boundaries- our boundaries. If someone says something to us, that doesn't make it true. If someone called you an elephant, you'd not react emotionally to that- because you know you are not an elephant. Their saying it doesn't make it true.

It helped to think of something absurd when my mother says something mean to me. This doesn't means I don't ever react. I still do- but it's less often than before.

Also decide how often you want contact and how to manage the calls.

[livednlearned]

Something that I found useful when I was exiting a 7-year estrangement with my father was to talk to him by speaker phone with my H present.

I have friends who would've done the same for me if I asked although H was a good choice because he also comes from a disordered family. 

I don't know why it helped to have H there. Maybe having a sympathetic witness there helped center me. I remember one of the first calls when we did this, H's facial expressions were grounding. My father would say something and H would raise an eyebrow or look perplexed or smile or give me two thumbs up. He used to turn my palms up when I felt stressed, and would take a deep breath to encourage me to do the same.

He also taught me that shaking my limbs after the call was oddly helpful (he did a lot of martial arts).

Is any of that something you would feel comfortable doing?

Your nervous system likely has a memory that is independent of what you are trying to will to happen, making it hard to break the spell a bit. I think some of us may be more susceptible to others in a fight/flight/fawn sense and introducing someone's energy that is calm and not in flight can help us regulate.

[Dominos]

Ahh that’s so rough! Sending some big hugs!

I was listening to Dr Ramani and she suggested keeping a tally of the number of insults, degrading comments, etc. that you get and giving yourself a reward when you hit a certain number. Ex: 5 gives you a massage.

[So Stressed]

Thanks everyone!  Some good suggestions about planning something exciting after the call, or shaking my body after it.  Counting the insults....well, that might give them life and I don't want to remember them all after the call is over.

Today has been a bad day.  I got two very nasty emails...one from my uBPD mother and the other from my sibling, who I am starting to think has some disorder.  They reacted very badly to a boundary I set.

When they get so angry and accuse me of various things that are projections, I start to wonder if I am the problem. I have 2 close friends who always encourage me to let my family override my boundaries.  I have been doing what they want for my whole life because it was just easier than sticking to my boundaries, but that is not right.

[SweetSass]

Instead of thinking your 2 choices are: call mom now or no contact;

How about giving yourself another month to not call your mother? 

Or you can always email her a brief message?

[zachira]

Your mother and sibling have dumped their uncomfortable feelings onto you. Many of us on this site, are familiar with the feeling of thinking something is wrong with us when this happens. Focus on how you feel inside instead of how they are feeling, and you will likely start to feel better. It is terrible to be the scapegoat, especially when it involves more than one family member and the family members are from our family of origin. What boundary did you set that they did not like? If you keep the boundary, eventually your mother and sibling will likely tire of trying to violate it.

[So Stressed]

Thanks Zachira!  My boundary had to do with how much time I spent with them over the Christmas holiday.  I told them when I could be there, and they both got really angry and told me I needed to change my travel arrangements.  I did not change them.  I have had too many Christmases with a lot of anger and drama from them and I decided that I was not going to be there long. It worked better for me as there was less time there so shorter window of opportunity for them to abuse me.